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“All suspects have been arrested, and police are looking for them.”

~ Cabinet Secretary Joseph Ole Lenku on the Westgate mall attack

“Even if you turn the lights off, I shall continue drinking!”

~ Stevie Wonder after drinking Kenyan illicit brew

Empire of Kenya
UnFlag of Kenya.svg Kenya illicit brew.JPG
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Ukipenda ujinyonge"
(Swahili: Let us all drink together)
Anthem: "We love you Obama!" and “Jambo Bwana”
Capital Lake Victoria (according to the Luos)
Nairobi (according to everyone else)
Largest city Lake Victoria (according to the Luos)
Nairobi (according to everyone else)
Official language(s) Kenyan, English
Government Pirate ninja republic
Overlord Uhuru Kenyatta
‑ Deputy Overlord William Ruto
Ethnic Groups Kikuyus, Luos,
long-distance runners,
everyone else
National hero(es) The Mau Mau rock band
Established 1963, after the British had enough of the Mau Mau rock band's music
Currency Kenyatta's shilling
Religion Jesus Christ or Die
Major exports The city of Mombasa, lions

Kenya, officially the Empire of Kenya, is a country in the Great Lakes region of Africa, bordered by Ethiopia to the north, "South Sudan" to the north-west, those Swahili guys to the south, the Indian Ocean to the east and Joseph Kony to the west. It is currently ruled by Overlord Uhuru Kenyatta and his sidekick, William Ruto.

The nation is best known for being one of several possible birthplaces of U.S. President Barack Obama. Most Kenyans go with the story that Obama is Indonesian; nevertheless, they all supported his rise to power in 2008, thinking they'd get food, clothes and their own PlayStation 3s in exchange for losing some of their better runners in the Boston marathon.


Little is known of the origins of the Empire of Kenya, but legend has it that the country got its name from a white guy who went there on vacation in the 1880s. He saw some Kenyans looking at Mount Kenya and saying "Kiinyaa" (Kenyan for "you think Jesus is up there?"), and after deciding the country was his to name, he tried to pronounce the ridiculous word, but instead said "Kenya". Finding his pronunciation hilarious, the Kenyans laughed at him for long periods of time, and the white man thereby swore that he would come back and give them a good kick in the bottom (he was British) some time in the near future.

A decade or so later, the British man fulfilled his promise and came back with his goons to claim the land as his own territory. At first, the Kenyans fought back, but one of the Kenyans named Jimmy agreed to sell out his buddies in exchange for food, clothes and his very own PlayStation 3. The Kenyans, also known for their witchcraft abilities, placed a curse on Jimmy for ratting them out and slowly died of what people call Lou Gehrig's disease over the next 10 years.

The 1950s saw the formation of a rock band called the Mau Mau, which is Kenyan for "Jesus Christ, who brought that guitar?", whose most famous members were Jomo Kenyatta, the lead singer and current Overlord Kenyatta's deadbeat dad, and Dedan Kimathi, a drummer exiled from his native country of Jamaica for refusing to smoke their awesome ganja. After years of torturing the British with their terrible music, the band members were locked away in detention camps. However, they somehow managed to smuggle their instruments into the camps, and continued to play while incarcerated until the British just gave up and left the country in 1963. Jomo Kenyatta was nominated by the band and their fans as Kenya's first ruler the same year.

In the late 1970s, Kenyatta's first mate (he turned Kenya into a pirate republic) Daniel arap Moi decided he had had enough of his bullshit, became a Ninja Pirate (or Pirate Ninja, your choice) and, during a public speech in the capital, Nairobi, Moi pulled down Kenyatta's pants in front of thousands of people. Humiliated, Kenyatta cried like an infant, ran home and committed suicide, jumping from the top of his house. Moi then placed himself as the new Pirate King, but changed his title to Pirate Ninja Overlord of Kenya. Aside from a failed military coup by butthurt Air Force commander Hezekiah Ochuka, who was sentenced to life in prison listening to Justin Bieber (he ended up going insane and stabbed himself in the anus), Moi successfully ruled Kenya until he was deposed by his sidekick Mwai Kibaki, who decided he isn't built to be a Pirate Ninja.


Ethnic violence

Jesus Christ or Die, the national religion of Kenya, inspired by the Taylor Gang created by transvestite rapper Wiz Khalifa.

Kibaki decided that he wanted Kenya to be a democracy and in 2007, he decided to hold elections in the country. The plan went to shit in an unbelievably short period of time, as violence erupted in the country between the ethnic groups of the land. The violence began with Kibaki's Luo nemesis Raila Odinga, who created a Facebook page claiming that "Kibaki sucks!". In retaliation, Kibaki flew to Lake Victoria (the cesspool from which all Luos emerge) and urinated in the lake, and upon learning of the action Odinga rallied several of his mates together to go and egg Kibaki's house. The crisis escalated into a full-scale civil war that left around 1,000 people killed and several hundred thousands more displaced from their homes. Finally in 2008, Raila poked Kibaki on Facebook, and after poking Raila back Kibaki agreed on a truce and the two ruled the nation as a coalition government.

However, the rest of the world just wouldn't stop sticking their nose in Kenya's business, and the Italian detective Luis Moreno Ocampo was dispatched to Kenya to investigate the violence. He returned to Europe with a list of 6 names that included neither Kibaki nor Odinga, who bribed Moreno Ocampo with a bottle of hair gel and some spaghetti.

The prime suspect named in the list was current Overlord Uhuru Kenyatta. He suffered severe trauma after witnessing his father having his pants pulled down in public by Daniel arap Moi, and upon getting home left again to get some ice cream, only to find his father in a pool of his own blood in front of the house. He swore to avenge his father and began training as a Pirate Ninja the very next day to exact his revenge on Moi. However, Moi disappeared after his defeat in the 2002 election before Kenyatta could kill him, but it is said that he is still alive somewhere in Mars today. For this reason, Kenyatta remains an extremely angry person, and is an absolute bastard to everyone in his government, except his deputy William Ruto for some reason (a janitor working at Kenya's State House in Nairobi once reported seeing Ruto down on his knees in front of Kenyatta through a window in their office). Ruto himself was also named in the list of suspects but, regarding the post-election violence, insists he "didn't do it".

Local Kalenjin midget Joshua arap Sang was accused of talking trash about Kibaki on the radio, and frequently posted photoshopped images of him with Rosie O'Donnell on the "Kibaki sucks!" Facebook page. Henry Kosgey, also Kalenjin, was accused of being an administrator on the said Facebook page, after he blocked Moreno Ocampo upon giving the page a "like" in order to be able to view its posts. Francis Muthaura was another name included in the list, and was also blocked from the said Facebook page after posting a retaliatory message that read "Let's go waste those Luo n00bs!! haha lolz", but continues to insist that he "didn't do it". An honest Somalian merchant named Mohammed Hussein Ali somehow ended up on Moreno Ocampo's list.

Trial began in the middle of 2010, but has not gathered much progress as witnesses have been consistently pulling out of the case to receive food, clothes and PlayStation 4's as bribes from Overlord Kenyatta (like the PlayStation 3, the Japanese released the PlayStation 4 in Kenya years before the rest of the world in exchange for nasty sex and cheap labour).

Westgate mall attack

Looking for the terrorists in the Westgate shopping mall.. #butfirstletmetakeaselfie

On 21 September 2013, at about noon, four Middle Eastern dignitaries visited the popular Westgate Mall in the capital to have lunch before delivering a shipment of assorted weaponry to a security firm working in the area. After receiving his order of a beef burger with fries, one of the dignitaries bit into his burger and in disgust began yelling incomprehensible utterances in Arabic, before taking out his AK-47 and spraying the chef with bullets. His three colleagues tried to calm him down, but continued yelling as he attacked the rest of the staff and bombed the restaurant with a grenade. "Now look what you did, Ahmed!" were the words said by the other three immediately afterwards. The attack was heard across the rest of the mall, and people began running for their lives. Within minutes, local police and for some reason several soldiers from the Kenya Defence Forces (KDF) surrounded the mall, leaving the four colleagues no other choice but to grab the weapons they intended to deliver to the security firm and fight their way out. The two groups exchanged fire for hours, and eventually managed to take down over 50 policemen and soldiers. Under the cover of night, the four men ran out of the mall, with one dropping a grenade behind them to make their escape look dramatic. The next day, not wanting himself, the police and the army look like a bunch of idiots, Cabinet Secretary for Interior Security Joseph Ole Lenku was quoted reporting: "I can confirm, although I'm not certain, that there were between 15 to 20 male terrorists, one of them a woman, that were present during the attack. All suspects have been arrested, and police are looking for them."


The lion, one of the many animals you will see having sex in the Kenyan savannah.

As Kenyans are known to be completely useless in manufacturing anything of any use to anyone on the planet, the country does not produce many exports, except for tea stolen from the Indians and coffee smuggled in from Portugal or something. However, the country earns ridiculous amounts of money every year from tourists who want to visit and see a bunch of animals, or take advantage of Kenyans working in hotels in Mombasa and other places along the coast. The Kenyan economy also thrives on illicit brews, robbery and more recently terrorism, which has become a main source of income for the Kenyan youth and a major investment opportunity for the Somalians.

United States Emperor Barack Obama recently tried to export obesity into the country, and progress has been made with the introduction of KFC and Subway chains as weapons of mass consumption in the capital city of Nairobi. More Americans are reported to have been infesting the country as well; Overlord Kenyatta is yet to receive a shipment of industrial size American repellant from the Russians.


Over 90% of all Kenyans believe in the existence of Jesus Christ, and have adopted a die-hard fanaticism towards the Hebrew (their motto is "Jesus Christ or Die", literally, you believe in anything else other than Jesus Christ and you're killed). Famous cases of hostility towards other faiths in the country include the destruction of a Hindu monument in the city of Lake Victoria (otherwise known as Kisumu), which the Indians built to celebrate 100 years hidden in the country without the knowledge of the Kenyans. Fearing an impending Hindu takeover of the country, rowdy Kenyan youths descended on the monument and vaporised it, but somehow found it in their heart to spare the Indians, who by this time had already wet themselves.


A seasoned Kenyan veteran revelling in victory after a game of illicit brew.
A Kenyan man resting (or dying) after suffering defeat in a game of illicit brew.

Game of illicit brew

Kenya's national sport is the game of illicit brew, also known as the game of drink, where common men challenge each other to see who can drink the most alcohol (specially prepared in a huge drum at the back of some guy named Eric's house with vinegar, ethanol and kerosene) without collapsing. The sport is especially popular in the rural areas, where people are too poor to afford normal alcohol. Popular foreign practitioners of the sport include ex-US President George W. Bush.

While the sport has been met with praise in several parts of the country, it has dangerous consequences. Effects of drinking the magical beverage include blindness, impotence, mental retardation, a false sense of accomplishment and an empty wallet. Reports say that over 2,000 Kenyans have been killed by the drink, and several thousands more left blind, broke or without any sex drive.


Aside from the game of drink, the Kenyans are also widely known for creating bionic middle and long-distance runners for use in the Olympics, the most famous example being current 800 metres world record holder David Rudisha Mark II version 8.0.1. These creations of science have dominated middle and long-distance races for decades, as well as obliterating all opposition in marathons around the world. Their closest rivals are the cyborgs from neighbouring Ethiopia, with whom it is reported that the Kenyans are collaborating to create ultimate, invincible super runners. Apart from leaving opponents in the dust during the Olympics, the Kenyans and Ethiopians also plan to use their creation in partnership with Mother Russia to overrun America and rid the nation of morbid obesity by forcing them into running.

See also

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