Batman (person)
“What, are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do you think I am? I'm the Goddamn Batman!”
Batman (sometimes referred to as The Bat-Man, The Caped Crusader, The Bat, The Dark Knight, The World's Greatest Detective, The Goddamn Batman, and The Adam West) is a legendary Pokemon and masked vigilante, known for his ability to knock criminals' heads together, use nifty Bat-Gadgets, solve mysteries using an amazing level of detective prowess and then dance around, which made him the stuff of legends, especially since he, unlike almost every superhero who ever lived, has no superpowers, much to the chagrin of various other superheroes, especially Aquaman. Batman's secret identity is Bruce Wayne, a wealthy industrialist, playboy, and philanthropist. Witnessing the murder of his parents as a child leads him to train to perfection, dress up like a bat, and fight criminals at night. In 1966, Batman decided to go camping and he stayed camping for 20 years until Frank Miller talked him out of it. In fact most die hard Batman fans take the Miller oath to only talk about or write about the version of Batman after he stopped camping and never ever talk about Batman and camping or that Batman used to go camping at all. This is why Batman must be only written about as dark, gritty, ultra-violent, and never ever anything else that can be mistaken for camping. After that Batman was known as The Dark Knight, and even The Joker stopped camping thanks to Frank Miller as well, gone were the days of fighting a gang of 2 bit thugs on top of a giant type writer for some convoluted reason. In fact that surfing contest that Batman and The Joker had, never actually happened either, so don't bother mentioning it.
Batman is skilled in every form of martial art known to humans. He has been known to hit an enemy so hard, that the sound of hitting the enemy creates a large word like "Ka-Pow" or "Wham" in the air. Batman is one of the few superheroes that can do that, and trained his sidekicks to do that as well. This is a form of martial arts named Batjutzu that Batman had invented.
Bat-Biography[edit]
The first superhero Batman started out under the name Fatman, weighing in at a sweating 58 stone. Fatman was very rarely seen out in public, and was always considered a hindrance at crime scenes because of his huge mass and so was forced into early retirement. As a result of inhumane taunting by small children Fatman fell into a deep depression, and for 3 months ate only Super-Subs, from Subway. Miraculously, Fatman lost weight through eating Super-Subs and Starbucks coffee and was shown in the Subway advert.
On the subject of his weight loss there have been many conspiracy theories, including divine intervention and liposuction. A few have even suspected exercise, but it was not widely believed due to his severe laziness. The theory most likely to be true though, is that Fatman fell down a well and was unable to climb out for three month, his superhuman strength allowing him to survive without eating. As a result of being in the well and not being able to eat Fatman lost a lot of weight, and it was only when a Subway managing director happened to hear Fatman's moping in the well that he was saved, and together the two of them devised the unlikely story.....
Bat-Origins: the True Story[edit]
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These theories were cobbled together from five minutes of research, and were constantly scrutinised in order to try and ascertain Batman's identity. The only constant was that a Mr. Bruce Wayne was constantly linked to events which Batman was also involved in, more than almost anyone else in such incidents. However, in 2007, a team of freelancers discovered the truth about Batman from hidden records and accounts with a few closely involved with him.
Bat-Vampire Theory[edit]
“Darkseid”
Some people believe that a Batman is the result of an accident where Bruce Wayne was bitten by a radioactive Vampire Bat while taking dubious photos of Bob Kane and Dick Grayson. There are no documented cases of this event being witnessed and is generally regarded as a load of old twaddle. However, it would account for why he only rescues people at night, and the overdrawn account at the Wayne Foundation Blood bank. Theorists insist that Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, Frank Miller, George Clooney, Christian Bale and Kevin Conroy are all Batmen. On the other hand Batman's side-kick, Robin, was bitten by a radioactive robin whilst taking photos of Graham Norton and George Michael.
Bat-Duke Theory[edit]
Another theory was that Batman was always a Batman named Bruce, and he wasn't able to change into his alter ego Bruce Wayne until he was attacked by a radioactive John Wayne while searching the Arizona Desert for peyote. It is suspected that the Wayne that attacked him must have been a sick and desperate specimen as normally the victims just become were-cowboys.
Bat-Birth Theory[edit]
Well, when a mommy bat and a daddy man fall in love... Well, they get married and go away on a honey moon. When they come back, the mommy bat says she's gonna have a baby. 3 years later, Batman was born. Not as a baby, but as the full grown Bruce Wayne.
Bat-President[edit]
A less accepted theory is that the original Batman was President James K. Polk. As Batman, Polk won the first and third American-Canadian War, while losing the second due to a tenacious defense by Oscar Wilde at Bikini Bottom.
Every US president followed Polk's tradition until Herbert Hoover, which led to the Great Depression. Under coercion from his butler, Alfred, Bruce Wayne was then force to become the next Batman. A pity. Batman is currently George Bush after a mad airplane flight through a cloud of VC killer bats during his well documented posting with the National Guard during the Vietnam War. This is indeed a fact verified by UnNews and in the "Dark Knight" movie Batman actually does all of the things that George Bush did as President. Including but not limited to torture, domestic spying, innocents dying for no reason in some unjust war, being highly unpopular so much that he makes the bad guy look good by comparison, ruining economies just to bring criminals to justice, massive property damage, and telling his enemies to swear to him instead of God.
Bat-Governing Order of Batmen[edit]
Closely linked with the Bat-President theory, there have been whispers of an underground order of all the previous Batmen, led by the previous Bat-President George H. W. Bush. This order is said to be the true rulers of the world. They have chosen most of the world's rulers since its founding in 1874. A few even think that Elvis Presley in the upper rankings of the order. Since most of the members are supposed to be dead, the order is never in one country for more than a year or two. They are currently thought to be hiding in Jamaica, and might be moving to Mexico by the end of the year. Though the idea probably came from a group of 30 year old nerds, living in their parents' basements, some suspect that there may be a hint of truth in this theory.
Bat-Camera Investigation[edit]
The Hidden Camera Investigation, conducted by a deranged, half-Thai man named No Credson was a supposed attempt to have the real truth about Batman exposed, only the documentary never got made, and he explained that his Dog ate all of his video footage, claiming that it can eat even plastic with ease and gain nutritional value from it due to a rare mutation. While few people actually believe anything he says, he once appeared on Late Night with Conan O'Brian in 1994, and, not realizing that it was a mainly comedy show, eagerly explained what his footage DID manage to capture before the "incident", which shall be shown below:
"Hidden wardrobe cameras reveal that the alter ego of Batman is Superman! This means that Clark Kent is the alter-alter-alter-ego of Bruce Wayne. During the day Superman patrols the skies of Metropolis peeking at all the pretty girls with X-Ray vision, whilst by night, after a super-speed-bat-commute to Gotham City he keeps the streets safe from Kitten Dealers and other perverts. While dressed as Batman, Superman is unable to use his super powers because of a union dispute regarding nighttime safety conditions."
Bat-The Dark Alley[edit]
On occasion, a piece of evidence surfaced pointing to an eccentric and enigmatic billionaire known as Bruce Wayne, who conveniently is nowhere to be found, and according to secret investigations of his mansion, seemed to go into the library and vanish. This had prompted researchers to speculate on whether or not it was indeed He who was Batman. When questioned, Mr. Wayne said "I'm Ba...ruce Wayne. But... Thanks for asking."
Needless to say, this theory is riddled with holes.
Batman and Robin (secret lovers?)[edit]
Batman and Robin were constantly accused of being lovers, which is probably true as they both wear underpants on the outside of their pants. Superman is similarly accused of being kissing cousins with Supergirl back on the farm.
Batman RIP[edit]
Currently a story about the end of Batman. A villain known as the Black Glove creates a club of villains that mirror super heroes in some way. One known as Doctor Hurt posed as Batman's father and wears an outfit Bruce Wayne's father once wore to a costume ball that was Bat themed. They tried to spread a lot of untrue rumors and gossip about Bruce Wayne in the newspaper but Commissioner Gorden found out about it and talked the editor into not printing the story until all sources get checked. The club of villains even recruited The Joker and paid three men to pose as Batman trying to sully Batman's name. One of the fake Batmen shot The Joker in the face, in order to motivate The Joker into a revenge against the real Batman. They capture Batman and shoot him up with LSD and Meth, but Batman has a backup personality of the Batman of Zur-En-Arrh and recovers. He meets Honor Johnson, a man who died a day before Batman met, but helps Batman out to create a new costume that is red, black, purple, and yellow. Batman meets Bat-Mite who is the voice of reason, and helps guide Batman back to Wayne Manor where a trap is laid. Robin gives a message to the League of Batmen to help, and Talia and Damian (Batman's son with Talia) meet up with Commissioner Gorden at Wayne Manor to help Batman. Batman fights his way to The Joker who says that all of this happened because Batman wanted to know how The Joker thought, and that Batman will learn what it will be like to be the clown at midnight. At the end, it all turns out to be a joke on Batman as Jezebel Jet, his lover and girlfriend he tries to rescue puts on black gloves and then The Joker says "Now do you get it?" Batman unmasks as Bruce Wayne and goes insane and stops being Batman for a while, as his spirit and will are now broken. Dr. Hush had plastic surgery to look like Bruce Wayne and takes his place and sells off shares in Wayne Enterprises and announces his retirement and then vanishes and was working with the Black Glove all of this time. Nightwing and Robin join up with Green Arrow and Speedy to protect Gotham as they try to discover what happened to Batman and Bruce Wayne. But it all happened in a parallel Earth thanks to Infinite Crisis as the editors admit it was a bad idea for a story and bring Batman and Bruce Wayne back one year later and nobody seems to have any memory of Batman RIP happening thanks to Zatanna casting a "forget" spell so that everyone forgets that Batman was Bruce Wayne even the villains.
Bat-Songs about Batman[edit]
Batman (and his orchestra) composed famous hits in the early 1940's, mainly 'Stairway To Gotham' , 'Die, Joker, Die ' (known in Germany as The Joker The), 'Someone's Robin' My Friend' 'Jingle Bells Batman Smells' , 'If I Went Crazy Would You Still Call Me Batman?' , 'Enter SandBatman ', 'Smells Like Bat Spirit' , and 'The Ivy May Be Cute' . Some of this songs contain references to Batman's childhood and early life, but of course, the best known song has to be:
Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na phone! Batman! Bruce Wayne! Batman! Paul is dead, miss him. Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na yo!
...you get the idea
Reports indicate that, when played backwards, the song says "go eat a pickle". Due to this and other evidence, it is suspected by many that Bruce Wayne is also John Lennon, and when he turns into his dual ego, he becomes John Wayne.
Bat-Christmas Bat-Incident[edit]
On christmas day in the early fifties, Batman was chasing The Joker through the streets of Gotham. It was reported that Batman had been up all night partying, and he hadn't had a chance to shower, so he smelled. Robin had, unfortunately, come down with a bad case of constipation, so he was unable to aid Batman on that night.
“It was like laying an egg!”
The Batmobile, while rounding a corner, lost its wheel, causing Batman to veer out of control and hit an elderly woman. The woman survived with minor injuries but filed suit with Batman claiming it was "reckless driving". Batman won the case against him, but reported dissatisfaction with the fact that The Joker got away.
This incident has since been immortalized in song, further suggesting that at some later point, the Joker somehow learned the identity of Batman's alter-ego and snuck into his house. There, while Batman was otherwise occupied in the kitchen and Robin was busy in the hallways, The Joker took the opportunity to sneak into Batman's bathroom and urinate all over the wall.
Bat-Movies[edit]
After two serials that no one cared about, Adam West finally got the chance to be Batman in the first movie, Batman 1966, which depicted what Batman would be like in the year 1966. The film was praised for its scientific realism and grittiness during the climactic scene where the UN is re hydrated from their dust, and won the Oscar for best picture and the Palm d'Or at the Cannes Film Festival, among many other rewards and is considered a worthy second to The Room as the greatest film of all time. Its spin-off TV show of the same name was also highly praised for its realism.
Twenty-three years later, Tim Burton directed a sequel to the movie entitled Batman 1989. It depicts what Batman would be like in the year 1989. Burton cast the star, Betelguese, as the supporting role of Batman. Jack Nicholson stars as himself and Lando Calrissian plays Harvey Dent. The film was so successful that Burton got the chance to make another movie with Batman. In 1992, he directed Generic Tim Burton Movie (With a Cameo Appearance of Batman). The film stars Danny DeVito as The Midget from the Sewers and Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman. Soon after, Burton was fired when McDonald's didn't want to have a nose-biting Penguin toy that spewed mysterious black goo.
Warner Bros. decided to hire Joel Schumacher (pronounced Shoe-maker) to direct the next Batman film after being impressed with his work on The Incredible Shrinking Woman. The film was appropriately named Batman Is Gay. In the movie Harvey Dent was exposed to chemicals off-screen which scarred half his face and turned the other half Caucasian. The film also features Jim Carey as himself. After the success of Batman Is Gay, Warner Bros. gave Schumacher the opportunity to direct another film, Batman With Nipples. The film starred the Governator as Mister "Puns galore" Freeze in an Academy Award winning role and Uma Thurman as fake plant lady. For some reason, there were no Batman films for eight years after this.
In 2005, Christopher Nolan was slated to direct Batman Starts It Up. The film would star Patrick Bateman as Batman because of their similar names. The movie is wildly regarded by critics as having completely incomprehensible and unwatchable fight scenes. This has earned the movie several awards (which were later taken away when they realized it wasn't a Japanese martial arts movie.) The movie also set a record for "Longest amount of time before Batman shows up in a movie with Batman in the title".
In 2006 it was announced that a sequel to Batman Starts It Up was in production titled Batman Keeps Going. The film was later renamed The Dark Knight. It is the first movie ever to have been universally declared as "The Greatest Movie Ever Made" before it was even released and is also the first movie to ever have kept the title after it was released. It features Heath Ledger as Jack Nicholson.
Because it's required by Hollywood law that all sequels be turned into trilogies, Nolan fulfilled his contractual obligation with 2012's The Dark Knight Rises. Main character model replicant Christian Bale returns as a washed out has been Bruce Wayne living in the shadow of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, doing battle with Tom Hardy as Bane with a speech impediment that the kids on the playground bullied him for prompting him to get a high pitched voice from doing too many steroids; and Anne Hathaway as a spayed, indoors Catwoman. Liam Neeson even makes a brief cameo reprising his role as Osama Bin Laden.
In Batman: The Prestige, Batman and Alfred meet Wolverine of the X-Men. There was also an animated Batman film called Batman: Mask of the Superior Animation which starred Batman as himself and Luke Skywalker as the Joker.
Golden Age Batman[edit]
Contrary to popular belief, Gatman Batman actually has a long and sorted history of using guns and murdering people, it wasn't until a couple of schoolyard bullies ended up in the river with bullet holes that parents complained he was a bad role model and DC hired Sigmund Freud, the creator of Wonder Woman, to prevent comic books from becoming kindling for a nation wide book burning at the hands of a mad psychologist. Back in the 30's before he started training child soldiers, The Bat took out his anger issues by swooping down and snapping the necks of criminals looking out the window, lynching steroidal giants with a cable from his plane, throwing scientists into vats of chemicals, and pumping vampires full of lead until they turn into a crimson mist faster than Dracula phasing through a storm drain to eat some hobos. After that, Batman never used guns again, although he did hand them out to the troops in WWII and mount some onto his car as hood ornaments.
Bat-Alter Ego[edit]
At long last, a new piece of vital data has been gathered about this hero of heroes:
Batman is really a whole dynasty of people, much like the man he robbed to make his fortune, The Phantom, going from Fatman in 1932, to Bruce Wayne in 1939, to various others, although Bruce Wayne has occasionally resumed the role after a previous Batman left, or was killed.
Bat-Controversy[edit]
Due to the loss of his second Robin, Jason Todd, the mysterious deaths of several muggers near Crime Alley have been suspected to be at Batman's hands, although he points to similar instances from another city, and blames them on tramps led by Zippy the Pinhead.
Despite having super hero status, controversy has plagued his eventful career. From the accusations of drunk driving a car with a nuclear reactor.
Batman was recently kicked out of an ice cream parlor after an assassination attempt of the register clerk was blamed on him. The Batman, in the past, has disclosed his hatred for chocolate.
Batman is said to be Welsh. One day, he was travelling with an Eskimo in the Batmobile when it broke. He looked at the engine and exclaimed "I knew you shouldn't have been driving, you've blown a seal" to which the Eskimo replied "So what?? You buggered a sheep"
In the far future Batman becomes the Dark Knight and the Dark Knight Returns with a female Robin and a Bat Tank. Batman is considered an outlaw because people think he broke The Joker's neck but the Joker twisted his own neck to frame Batman. Batman uses Green Arrow to shoot Superman with green kryptonite and then proceeds to beat up Superman until he says "Uncle". Ultraviolet kryptonite separated the Batman personality from the Superman personality in the far future making both equally retarded and full of emo emotions. In The Dark Knight Returns II, Superman makes out with Wonder Woman to get over the beating that Batman gave him from the first book.
Many experts continue to debate which people Batman is smarter than, the majority consensus being all of them, however this is incorrect. Batman's not the smartest man in the world, if he knew how to invent an android like how T.O. Morrow made Red Tornado, there would be less Robin's buried in the family plot out back. He could't replace his body parts with cybernetics like Cyborg if he got riddled with bullets for not wearing a more bullet proof costume with escape rockets like Steel. He's not automatically invisible to cameras looking at him like Mr. Terrific, mostly because that makes no sense. Batman still needs the Justice League for back up, it's not like he's Dr. Magnus and able to create a super powered team of metal men to serve as his personal army. Lex Luthor has much better medical coverage for his employees as well, and Batman's employee healthcare package even includes nano machines that turn you into a cyborg drone for the government. Hard working Lexcorp employees have access to the cure to cancer though Adam West does have the ability to turn people into two dimensional cardboard cut outs and brightly colored dehydrated dust than reassemble them on the molecular level using a vacuum cleaner and tweezers, so there is that.
Batman has also been accused of being even more of a thief than his clepto ex-girlfriend Catwoman. When he returns stolen Picassos to the museum, the curators will often accuse the martial artist of culturally appropriating elements from different cultures from around the world. There's no way it's politically correct for him to dress like a ninja or a samurai if he's white, nor have a totemic animal spirit, and latino critics feel they have every right to hate him for pretending that he's Zorro. The Australian prime minister has asked Batman and Captain Boomerang both to throw away the stereotype; and except for his butler, most of the English look down on American knights. The monks and gurus would like their training methods back, and all the major Abrahamic religious authorities agree that he's just a member of the laity and really needs to calm the fuck down and get laid; the Catholic Church prefer he be gay even, Batman makes celibate crusading on crime and joyless jihads on injustice look like the pastimes of a bunch of creepy angry weirdos wearing goofy costumes. The religious right thinks he worships the devil and practices the occult, while the environmental left correctly assumes that the Batmobile produces nuclear waste and that he's just another capitalist pig who beats up hippies on behalf of the interests of billionaire industrialists like Bruce Wayne. PETA doesn't care much for the use of bats to attack people and make an escape, considering it animal abuse. Concerned liberal parents also realize that throwing molecule thin boomerang bomb knives is just as dangerous as knives and bombs, possibly more dangerous than guns even; and that novelty item shaped powerful explosives, however hilarious they may be are no laughing matter. Batman's freezing and defoliant batarangs are technically chemical weapons and the secret modifications to his house not on record with the city also wouldn't fair too well in court, so he's probably facing way more jail time than he would just for having an unregistered machine gun, that's without getting into what kind of prohibited substances he has for synthesizing antidotes to chemicals no one's ever heard of, and the whole interfering with a criminal investigation each and every week thing.
Bat-2OC[edit]
The dance commonly referred to as the Bat-2OC (two-oh-see) is in fact a waltz-crump hybrid. It involves sweeping your index and middle fingers across your eyes starting from the nose, and out towards the temples (index finger is placed above the eye and the middle finger is placed below the eye), while kicking wildly in random directions and screaming "ficas, ficas!" Then, the person attempting this dance needs only to eat the aforementioned fingers, and in doing so, has successfully completed the Bat-2OC.
Many right-wing dance groups across the nation state that the Bat 2OC has nothing in common with either waltzing or crumping, but shortly after issuing such bizarre statements it is not uncommon to find the bodies of such individuals lying in unmarked graves with index and middle fingers removed and a bat symbol spraypainted on thier tombstone. Clearly, Batman feels that it is indeed a waltz-crump hybrid dance.
Batman's Top 10 Peeves[edit]
- 10. After dramatic entrance at scene of crime, having to convince everybody he's not a professional wrestler.
- 09. When you can see outline of underwear through Bat Suit.
- 08. Punks who gather around and smart off while he's getting gas for the Batmobile.
- 07. Nuclear power source for utility belt has rendered him sterile.
- 06. Really stupid people that shout out, "Hey! Where's Tonto?"
- 05. When dry cleaners accidentally switches Bat Suit and San Diego Chicken costume. When an episode focuses way too much on Jake.
- 03. Seeing Alfred the butler talking to Albert Goldman.
- 02. The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a piece of cardboard can summon him at night.
- 01. When people call him "The Batman" -- it's just "Batman," damn it!
Bat-Death[edit]
Batman was recently killed in the annual 2008 end of the universe Final Crisis; however, Darkseid's omega beams instead sent him to the stone age. This making sense to anyone? No? Didn't think so.
It allowed DC Comics to make someone else as Batman to sell more comic books. Like when they killed off Superman and had four people take over for him, now they have four people take over for Batman.
"Whatever happened to the Cape Crusader?" shows Batman dying and being reborn over and over again thanks to Darkseid's Omega Beams using the Omega Sanction which instead of killing Batman makes him go back to the stone age and be reborn over and over again with each new life being worse than the last, but he is always reborn as Bruce Wayne aka Batman on each Parallel Earth.
Seriously, WTF is up with that? Why not kill him off and bring him back as a Black Lantern during the Green Lantern miniseries of "Blackest Night"? At least he'd be a Zombie Batman instead of a Stone Age(there is no Stone Age with the Batman,just the ambush that leads to sudden death."trust me I would know he nearly killed me in the Dart Night."(the Joker 2008?) Batman being reborn.
Why the need for four people dressing up as Batman? Don't we have enough lunatics wearing caps and cowls running around in the DC Universe like the League of Nations Batmen?
So now after a big war, Dick Grayson aka Nightwing, the Original Robin took over for Batman and Bruce Wayne's bastard lovechild with Talia al Ghul, Damian Wayne took over for Robin. Of course this is temporary, and only until Bruce Wayne returns from the dead or stone age or whatever happened to him and comes back as the original Batman."now that's what I am talking about!"(the cat in the Hat)
The DC Fanboys whined too much and DC decided to find a way to bring Bruce Wayne back from the dead or back from the past or an alternative Earth or whatever: at least each generation to take the mantle of The Phantom get's an actual death scene, even if their costumes make them stick out like a purple sore thumb.
Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Just Us[edit]
In 2016 Bruce Wayne filed a suit against Superman for razing one of his slums in Metropolis. Superman asserted the fire insurance should cover the losses. After allowing a brief recess to let them deal with Doomsday, the jury woke up from their two and a half hour long nap and reached a decision; finding them both in contempt of court.
Recently Batfleck has earned a new nick name that strikes fear into the hearts of criminals women everywhere, Buttman, after the hero to children world wide was called out by multiple women on allegations of groping their glutei maximi. Affleck denied the allegations saying, "That's booty yo!"
Bat-See Also[edit]
- Fatman
- Batroom
- The Batles
- Batmobile
- Robin
- Batgirl
- Bat Villains
- Gotham City
- Batman: The Fanfiction
- L Lawliet: Anime Batman
- Zorro: Colonial Spanish Batman
- The Boogeyman: Also hides underneath your bed.
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