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The Superman

The Superman posing for the cover of Time Magazine.

Gender: Male (We think)
Height: 7'3"
Weight: 335 lbs. (Adamantium skeleton)
Eyes: Lazers
Hair: Magnificently curled and shiny
Occupation: Crimefighter/Kicker of Asses
Base of operations: Metropolis, USA
Status: Single and ready to mingle
Date Of Birth Christmas, 0 A.D.
Favorite Food Pop-tarts
Special Ability Ability to disappear as soon as Batman appears

Superman is an American super hero who has looked after the country and kept it free from far nastier characters in lurid tights and costumes. He is said to be based on the life and career of Joseph Stalin, the Russian communist super hero whose own code name translates from Russian as 'Steel' . Superman is famous for blatantly defying the laws of physics, doing good deeds and generally being nice to people unless they want to take over the world or evade parking tickets.

No one actually respects Superman, but everyone envies his tight buttocks and ability to appear credible in public while wearing his underpants outside his trousers.



You know we're all screwed when you see Superman in church.

Conspiracy theorists allege that Superman was once originally a citizen of Indonesia. Actually he was born on Krypton and sent here by his father, Jor-el, to save the planet Earth. As you can tell just by turning on the news, Superman has failed quite miserably and should really start building another rocket and work on finding some other planet to live on before it's too late.

On Krypton everything looks a bit futuristic, with a lot of glowing crystals and post-modern architecture. Krypton had recently isolated itself from interstellar trade to try and bolster their own economy and bring back local mining jobs by cutting the tops off the crystal mountains. There was almost no undeveloped land left for farming, it wasn't long before the population began to die off from starvation. Sea levels had started to rise due to all the energy released from drilling down into the planets nuclear core, causing gold volcano's to erupt at the fault lines; and once the ocean temperatures got hot enough, citizens were told to stay indoors lest they risk walking down the street in their capes only to be blown into the sky by powerful hypercane winds.

Krypton's congressmen had been bought off by special interest mining lobbyists, and without their alien neighbors to rally against, their military, led by General Zod had no where left to go and conquer except down. Kal-El's father, knew it was only a matter of time before the entire planet was going to Asplode, but like Al Gore, he too was ignored. The Kryptonian congress disliked the idea of spending the annual planetary defense budget on saving the planet, arguing the center of the world was clearly the responsibility of the secretary of the interior, so why should the other departments have to flip the bill. The needed supermajority then voted to allocate those funds for hiring Marlon Brando to play Kal-El's father.

Knowing his entire race was doomed, Brando conceived a brilliant plan that involved launching his infant son to a planet a quad-trillion miles away, praying he didn't land in the ocean that covered 70% of the planet's surface; lest his son bring shame to the house of El by becoming Aquaman. To explain everything to Kal-El, his father sent his message in Kryptonese, a language remarkably similar to American English. The economy was bad and all Jor-El could afford was a rocket just large enough for his son; there was no time to make a rocket for his wife Laura or himself; just two separate test rockets for a dog and a monkey. Earth was picked because it had a better economy, and a medium sized yellow sun that would give Kal-El super powers and allow him to take all the good unpaid crime fighting jobs from hard working Americans.

As it happened, the rocket landed in a city called Smallville in the state of Kansas in the nation of the USA. Johnathan and Martha Kent found the rocket with the baby in it, and decided to adopt it and forge a birth certificate so that Kal-El can pass for human and a US citizen. This was, of course before the Department of Homeland Security was formed back when birth certificates were easier to forge. Superman stands for truth, justice, and the American way, just ignore the questionable legitimacy of his birth certificate and all the other lies he passes off as the truth to friends, co workers and loved ones on a daily basis.

As a youngster, Superman always complained that no one understands him, possibly because of his struggle with understanding his own sexuality, as seen in Batman/Superman public relationships.
Superman, as a young pup.

The Superman's first appearance

Superman made his dramatic appearance saving an out-of control space shuttle and it's crew from certain doom. He was not applauded, however, because: A) He had not perfected his super-hero-suit-making technique, and his said suit actually disintegrated as part of a "wardrobe malfunction". Thus, people were too busy laughing at his Kryptonian junk to thank him. Also, B) when they found out he had been fully powered, and on Earth during 9/11, Katrina, the Challenger and Columbia crashes, and the Star Wars Prequels, they became enraged that he hadn't revealed himself sooner, and an angry torch wielding mob of fans tried to beat him to a pulp.

From Smallville to Hollywood

Superman soon became one of the most famous and iconic figures of Metropolis, despite his strange habit of getting mistaken for a bird or a plane. It wasn't long before he had a movie deal under his belt, a deal that would lead to the greatest comic-book epic ever made: Person who normally does things better than other people.

They ended up making a movie with the more catchy title Superman, and the movie was a huge success, and they made another one that was an even bigger success. Then, they made one which didn't do so well critically, but was still pretty sweet at the box office. And then they made one which just f******* everything up, and caused Superman to vanish for 20 years.

He did return, though. With a title clearly written by Captain Obvious, Superman returned, and nobody gave a flying f***. Seriously, his epic return went something like this:

Superman fireballs though Earth's atmosphere, crashes into the ocean, and emerges from his shuttle.
SUPERMAN: Hey guys, I'm back!
BATMAN: Nobody cares.
SUPERMAN: What?! How could that be? I'm SUPERMAN, the greatest hero ever to grace the silver screen. As a matter of fact, I'm really the only one, aside from you.
BATMAN: Well, you remember that little comic company called Marvel?
SUPERMAN: Yeah what ever happened to that little spider-kid?
BATMAN: Dude, that little spider-kid is now the top-grossing comic book character ever.
SUPERMAN: No way! At least I'm still number one at DC and get top billing around here, right?
BATMAN: Yeah, about that...
TONY STARK: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but you two seem familiar. Where do I know you from, I know it isn't the Oscars.
BATMAN: OMG, it's Iron Man! Can I please have your autograph? It's for my son Robin. I'm, I mean he's your biggest fan.

Special Powers

So Red Bull does give you wings!

Superman has, to put it in poetic terms, a whole shitload of powers. (He blames it all on the fact that Earth's sun is a different color than one he's used to.) His generally gigantic quantity of them, and the invulnerability they give him makes him slightly boring among some comic book fans. They don't complain though, lest he knock them out with his laser beams and kill them with his poison gas, all before disintegrating their bodies with his nuclear rays. His powers are the following:

  • XXX-Ray Vision: Superman has the ability to see women as they would be completely nude.
  • Flying: Yes, he can fly. And before you start talking about "being original" and "being unique," remember: this was original and unique. In the '40s.
  • Superintendent: Before getting his pilots license; Superman could only fix tall buildings in a single bound.
  • Super Speed: Yeah, super-speed... So Flash had this skill of having super speed, and super speed only. So of course, Superman had to be a dick and take this speed, along with 10,000 other cool tricks. Knowing that Superman was superior to him in every way, Flash killed himself, and Superman laughed at his funeral and banged his girlfriend on the coffin. What a dick.
  • Invincibility: While every other superhero can actually get hurt when punched, hit, etc, Superman appears to be invincible, so that it is impossible to defeat him, unless around Kryptonite. If a nuclear bomb hit Superman, he'd still live. If a meteor hit Superman, he'd still live. But if a piece of green rock touched him, he's f*******.
  • Super-Breath: This is actually a real power of Superman. He can blow on things until they freeze. What's that? Well, yeah he does blow, but... Stop laughing, OK? It's not that funny, really.
  • BluRay Vision: Superman sees everything in 1080p and hears everything in DTS-HD Master Audio.
  • Super Strong: Superman is so strong. He also stole this power from Captain Marvel. Captain Marvel sued him and lost his ass to Superman. Superman keeps it on the wall in his Fortress of Solitude. He also keeps a blue dress that is covered in his jism, which was once owned by Lois Lane. Just in case.
  • Super-Prefixing: Superman can put the word Super in front of any frickin' thing he does. It's just magical.
  • Super-bad camouflage: Superman has the ability to disguise himself so badly as a specky geek, by only wearing a suit and some glasses. This disguise is so blatantly obvious, nobody has noticed ever, not even Lois Lane.
  • Souper: Superman can drink soup. From a bowl or other similar receptacle.
  • Super Fashion Sense: Since the beginning of his career, Superman has been in touch with his feminine side, which has made it easy for him to stay on top of the fashion world through the decades. Incidentally, he is a recurring guest at modeling shows and conventions, essentially because he is the perfect example of why you don't mess with the classics.


As every school child around the world learns at an early age in chemistry class, Superman is weak to the many colorful varieties of Kryptonite from his ultra heavy radioactive home planet of Krypton. What you may not know, however, is that Superman is also weak to magic, which is different from being weak to holy things like Dracula, he can still hold his hand on a bible in court without catching on fire, though pushing over the book shelf in Raven's room onto him would probably do Supes in. Although he could probably shake the hand of the pope, seeing as he's rescued nuns on a bus from crashing, Shaolin monks like Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat have been shown to harm him, meaning he might only be weak to non Abrahamic religions, genies and witchcraft. Thus either Samantha or Jeannie would easily have taken him faster than a speeding bullet, and if there's a dragon you should call Shining Knight to save you. Superman would take Frankenstein no problem, but Dracula could theoretically suck his blood creating a vampire superman, and his X-ray vision also doesn't work on a ghost like Dead Man. You may have wondered when the last time superman saved a gypsie from danger was, the correct answer is never, because he fears their werewolf curses.

Wonder Woman with her magic bracelets made out of the shield of Zeus can easily beat Superman in a fight, even Aquaman with the right trident from Poseidon can do the job. Though he would still be alive from the earth falling into the sun, a basic fireball spell from a poet demon laureate of hell like Etrigan, or even just a paper cut from some playing cards of Zatanna is enough to do Superman in. You see museums are filled with magic artifacts in DC, so finding a mystically enchanted weapon or haunted peace of art work to smash over him shouldn't prove hard, you don't need to get accepted into Hogwarts and be a 13th level wizard like Gandalf or Alan Moore and have your doctorate in fate, just hit him with the right antique and you can be the two bit thug who killed Superman, you don't even have go selling your soul to Neron for Superpowers or nuttin!

Contrary to rumors, Superman does not have to stop catching crashing airplanes and fighting Brainiac on the Sabbath, reliant on his ancient Greek goddess and workaholic atheist billionaire friend to open the Watchtower airlock for him, as Pikuach nefresh permits him to violate Sabbath in order to save lives. However, if the only thing that's in danger is your stuff, Superman doesn't feel like he's morally obligated to help you, he will still do his best to patrol the skies for armed robberies, blow up giant meteorites hurdling towards your town, or rescue your lost cat stuck up a tree; but if you're being pick pocketed or someone stole your car, than you can probably wait a day or two and give the Metropolis police and fire departments something to keep themselves busy with, all those people do is picket the JLA headquarters and protest being out of work ever since being outsourced by superheroes.

Infinite Mid Life Crisis and Elseworlds College Experimentation

Superman struggles to reinvent himself in order to remain culturally relavent for each new generation and subsequent continuity reboot, and is thus experiencing a mid life crises perpetually. Since the rise of Marvel Comics lead to disinterest in the Justice League's adventures in the 60's his career was on a bit of a downturn. With the exception of poaching Jack Kirby from Marvel to create Darkseid for DC, his biggest threats in the 70's were Terra-Man, a cowboy riding a Pegasus which is an idea too stupid even for some C list like Jonah Hex to fight, and his one true weakness, declining sales. It wasn't until he sold his story to Hollywood for the 78 film that he was back in the public eye.

The 80's were a confusing time, due to the economy DC just couldn't afford to have so many alternate universes so they had to sell a couple and Superman ended up putting Golden Age Superman into an into an inter dimensional retirement home as he lost Supergirl to the AIDS Crisis.

During the 90's he grew a mullet and thought he wanted to be Static Shock and got lightning powers and a blue costume; but Static told Superman to stop copying him and just be himself. You see he had briefly gotten a divorce between his red and blue parts; losing most of his powers in the settlement, though many suspect it was so he could legally have 2 wives without moving to Utah. Clark also began experimenting with alternative life styles like Russian communism and jungle nudism as part of the Elseworlds imprint during his 90's grunge phase, but that was in college so it didn't count as part of the canon. It was also during the 90's that The Labor Strike of Superman occurred, where in he called it quits until he got better pay for being a superhero. Superman was replaced by four Superman scabs who competed for his job, only one of which Steel was any good at the job. Eventually Superman got better pay and working conditions and went back to saving the earth.

It became apparent throughout the 90's and 2000's from the movies and the cartoons that Batman was where the real money was being made so Superman ended up playing second fiddle for a while.. By the 2010's though it was obvious to everyone he was once again washed up as he couldn't even muster top billing for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

The DC 52 Reboots

Fox News tried to warn us Superman was a commie, giving free handouts to construction workers falling to their deaths.

Warner Brothers owned DC Comics, and sales had suffered. Nobody wanted to read Superman comic books or watch Superman movies anymore. So DC rebooted the entire comic book series along with everything else into the New 52. Superman had changed he no longer wore underwear on the outside, and he had a collar on his cape and a new power suit like Batman had, but with the "S" symbol on it.

Kal-El used to be known as Clark Kent, but after the reboot Johnathan and Martha Kent died as a young age and Clark had to grow up an orphan on the streets like Golden Age Superman, however Superman seems to have the same powers as before, except that one of his weaknesses added was a weakness to copyrights as he could no longer use Superboy, Clark Kent, or some other names due to a lawsuit his original creators' families filed against DC. Due to lawsuits with the creators of Superman, DC could no longer call him Superboy, so they just had him wear Jeans, Sneakers, and a T-Shirt with the "S" symbol on it. Clark would report on his blog using his iPhone, and work as "Unknown" until he turned 18, found his security blanket and power armored pajamas and became Superman.

After finding out Clark Kent was not that good of a disguise as all he did was wear glasses as a hipster and comb his hair different, Kal-El decided to fake Clark's death and do work as a Fire Fighter and no longer wear glasses or comb his hair differently. He called himself Joe Clark, and hung out at a firehouse until an alarm happened and then fought fires. After his shift was over he went to the Justice League satellite to pick on Batman for not having any super powers.

"Man of Steel" rebooted Superman in the movies and launched the DC extended universe without realizing it. In this one, Superman is an adult whose dumber than an eleven year old Goku, who for the record has brain damage from being dropped on his head, as Goku knew how to go rock paper scissors and poke someone in the eyes while Supes thinks it's better to kill a man than blind him because being blind is worse than being dead: remember that kids. It might not have been as memorable as the Chris Nolan Batman trilogy, but it was arguably better than that Green Lantern movie.

Furthermore, Superman and Lois Lane are no longer married in the reboot. In fact they were never married and Lois Lane has no idea what Superman's true identity is anymore. This was done for Generation Z, who are still mostly too young to get married, and DC felt that having Superman married would hurt sales. So the marriage was gone, and in place DC claimed Kryptonians have several different genders, and that Kal-El while he appears to be male is actually something else not defined yet. Plus the "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex" jokes got to be too much for DC to bear.

See also