Human sexuality and gender
In ancient times life was simpler. A maturing teen in classical Rome was not expected to conform to one strict sexual identity, much less to understand the plethora of identities faced by his counterpart in the modern world. Indeed, any Roman walking the Appian Way whose fifteen-year-old son broached the subject of Sexual Orientation was likely to indicate the direction of the nearest brothel and recommend which girl/boy/goat would be especially good value for his denarius. And in Ancient Greece, it was perfectly acceptable for boys to pass through what Edwardian scholars called a Nancy Phase before embarking on married life – except in ultra-militaristic Sparta, where such behaviour was not only condoned but was a mandatory part of the National Curriculum.
These days, it seems, anything goes. But that only makes understanding the sexual proclivities of others all the harder. Even for the most woke amongst us, it can be difficult not to confuse the many newly-minted sexual identities with the equally confusing number of newly-defined genders. Fortunately for those struggling, Uncyclopedia has consulted a panel of experts in the field to seek their thoughts and experiences on the vexed subject of Human Sexuality and has condensed them into a handy, pocket-sized guide, which we now present to you for consideration.
Sexual Orientations[edit]
There are as many definitions of sexual orientation in the world as there are penetrable orifices. Most definitions include some psychological component (such as an individual’s erotic desires), as well as a behavioural component focusing on the sex of an individual’s sexual partners. Sexual orientation differs from sexual identity in that it encompasses relationships with others, while sexual identity is a concept of self; and also because the word orientation is a 22% longer than the word identity and is thus more likely to make you sound intelligent when used in conversation.
Traditionally, only three sexual identities were known and practising half of these could see you excommunicated and burned at the stake.
Heterosexuality[edit]
Heterosexuality was once the defined norm. By the time that Christianity had taken over Europe it was assumed that man was born of the womb of woman and would spend the rest of his life attempting to rectify the mistake by finding his way back in. Any relationship outside this was frowned upon, or sometimes smiled upon excitedly by a crowd of eager spectators– though this would not necessarily save the happy couple from subsequent death by rectal impaling of a very different sort.
Double Nobel laureate, Linus Pauling, is known for his daily consumption of ten thousand miligrams of Vitamin C (some two hundred times the recommended daily intake). His sexual interest in citrus fruit is less celebrated. Nevertheless, Pauling claimed that “Hetero derives from the Greek word heteros meaning "different" or "other" and, therefore, having sex with anything other than oneself is a heterosexual activity. That includes lemons, oranges, limes and pineapples – but not via the rough end.” Others have used similar arguments to justify their aberrant sexual interest in motor vehicles, chainsaws, the colour of yellow, mythical sea-creatures, the concept of contentment and Taylor Swift.
Homosexuality[edit]
Homosexuality was known from the earliest times but considered sinful from the Medieval period until the mid-Twentieth Century. Horses found engaging in homosexual activity were routinely shot and buried at crossroads. Pigs caught indulging in boar-on-boar action were slaughtered, spit-roast in an entirely different sense to the image currently in your mind and devoured both literally and figuratively with relish. Much the same fate fell to gay cattle, domestic fowl, dogs and coarse fish.
Interestingly, in 1284 two male apes were presented to King Edward I and kept menagerie at the Tower of London. Their vigorous, lengthy, loud and almost continuous love-making was the talk of England’s capital, drawing crowds of gawping sightseers from across the Home Counties. Such was the scandal that the Archbishop of Canterbury was forced to intervene. The Most Reverend Gilbert Fitzcummerbund was recorded to have taken “Ye moste comely of ye two apes to ye Episcopal Palace at Lambeth whereat he was wont to perform moste holy exorcism upon it within the confessional. Verily, sounds ye sounds of ye demons being cast from its body were unwholesome to hear and yet ye Bishop performed exorcism daily and in private for all of ye month of June, twice daily on Saturdays, until such time as his back was much scratched and he could walk only with much effort.”
Homosexuality is easily confused with Hobosexuality, taking an erotic interest in winos, bums, down-and-outs, members of the House of Lords, Gypsies, tramps and thieves. However, research has shown that hobos themselves are rarely conventionally hetero or homosexual, with few taking a romantic interest in anything other than the little, shaggy dog they keep on the end of a piece of rope.
Homosexuality is distinct and different to Homersexuality. Members of all 36 genders may feel attracted to Homer Simpson. And who could blame them? But Homersexuality is broader and encompasses the romantic attachment to any obese cartoon character and to a range of long-dead philosophers. In January 2012, the Senate Committee on Human Relationships recommended that service personnel of both sexes be allowed to list a fictitious spouse from the following list: Chief Wiggum, Fred Flintstone, Cleveland Brown, Eric Cartman, and both Peter or Chris Griffin.
Southern Evangelical Republicans opposed the move but, rather vote down the bill, abstained when Democrats agreed to omit Garfield from the list - bestiality remaining illegal outside Mississippi. The inability of fictitious characters to claim partner-benefits on the death-in-service of their spouse saved the US treasury $45 million annually until January 20th 2017 when it became difficult to justify continuing to prohibit obese cartoon characters from claiming their matrimonial rights while simultaneously allowing them to hold high office.
Female homosexuality has a long history but one shrouded in much mystery. Urban myth suggests that no laws were enacted against lesbian relationships in England either because Queen Victoria refused to believe in such a possibility, or because her ministers were too embarrassed to discuss the idea with her. But, the truth is stranger still. To the best knowledge of historical researchers, female homosexuality was a concept simply unknown before the seventeenth century.
Amorous relationships between two women must surely have occurred in the previous millennia but, according to Marxist historian, Eric Hobsbawm, “Lesbian relationships remained beyond the knowledge of men simply because the women involved did not wish to share their experience – surely the greatest indictment of feudal and post-feudal societies, foreshadowing the rapacious greed of capitalism. One must simply be glad to live in the Age of Pornhub where homosexual women finally seem to have embraced the philosophy: From each according to their ability to titillate, to each according to his need to spank his monkey.”
A landmark EU ruling of 1987 ruled that “The description ‘Lesbian’ should no longer be used for legal purposes to describe female homosexuals and should instead be reserved for referring to inhabitants of the island of Lesbos, the majority of whom are not female homosexuals and have already heard every joke you’ll ever make on the subject.”
Bisexuality[edit]
According to Shakespeare, " A Bisexual is but a knave set upon having his cock and blowing it." But methinks a man who address a third of his sonnets to men doth protest too much. Certainly, Buy-sexuality (from the Latin Buy - meaning to purchase, & Sexus - meaning, you know, doing it.) was the norm in ancient cultures. So much was this the case that our Roman teen would have struggled to comprehend what it means to be a Buysexual and would, naturally, assume that the term referred to a wealthy person in the habit of purchasing comely slaves for horizontal-entertainment.
Likewise, in Roman times, a person described as Buy-curious is likely to have merely been asking for a price, whereas the Bike-curious focus on finding a consenting pedal-cycle with attractively curved mud-guards and a well-stuffed saddle. Biromantics, by contrast, are not necessarily interested in sex with people of any gender but are equally romantically attracted to both ballpoint pens and to their lids.
Other Popular Sexualities[edit]
Two other sexualities often conflated and confused are Asexuality and the lesser known Aromanticism. Asexuals do not find anyone attractive, whereas Aromantics do. Asexuals frequently get their rocks off contemplating the shape and sound of the indefinite article in English, while Aromantics are mostly interested in members of the opposite sex who smell like a dumpster full of deceased skunks (see Melania Trump).
In modern culture, Aromantics are rarely visible due to the lingering shame associated with what was until recently referred to as stench-fetish, and due to the lingering stench of their beloved. Asexuals, however, are often prominent in society (see Isaac Newton, Caitlyn Jenner, Mick Jagger[citation needed]).
Only Brexit stopped a long-running British court-battle transferring to the European Court of Human Rights to settle forever whether Asexuality encompasses people attracted to the word An. Traditionalists insist that the inclusion of Ansexuals within a wider Asexual grouping would make a mockery of the whole idea of Asexuality and the centuries of discrimination Asexuals faced following the development of the English language in the seventh century. Adherents to the idea of inclusion, however, point to the confusion that such a rigorous approach to the definition of Asexuality would bring. Should a consenting adult wish to pursue a fulfilling relationship with the indefinite article preceding the word Herb, he or she would be Asexual in the UK and Australia, but Ansexual in North America. But a Briton in pursuit of a satisfying sexual relationship with the indefinite article preceding the word Hotel would be Asexual if middle class but Ansexual if posh or Cockney.
Lesser-known Sexualities[edit]
Demisexuals are attracted those who have amassed significant bank-balances as a result of marriage to action movie stars who haven't really done anything of note since Moonlighting - a programme you only watched for Cybill Shepherd anyway. Demi Moore was once much in both vogue and in Vogue, despite insisting that her Christian name did not rhyme with Semi on the grounds that: "No man only gets a semi looking at these puppies". In 1992 up to two thirds of men in Europe and an astonishing 83.4% of American men admitted to having significantly demisexual feelings, often after having surreptitiously read their partner’s copy of Vanity Fair [1], ripped off the front page, page 12 and the centrefold and storing them under the bath where their wife/girlfriend never looked.
Pansexuals can be attracted to kitchenware of any type regardless of gender identity. Outside the George Foreman’s household the definition of pan-sexuality does not stretch to encompass those with an interest in Griddle Irons, waffle makers or toasters but may include those attracted to horny Greek gods of the wilderness, and to little boys who refuse to grow up - choosing instead to spend their time flying around cities, peering through windows at little girls as they go to bed (see Voyeurism).
A common myth is that Pansexuals can also be attracted to musicians playing the syrinx (or Pan-pipes). Though it is not entirely impossible that some people may enjoy pan-pipe music, psychologists have yet to report a single case of a patient admitting to such a base and degrading fetish. Rumours that people have been seen to tap their feet to elevator music played on a syrinx persist, but, if true, it is thought that anyone doing so is less likely to be attracted to pan-pipe music and more likely to be attempting to distract themselves long enough to get off at the next floor without chewing off their own ears. In 1996, the United Nations special reporter of war crimes criticised the use of a ‘Pan Pipe Christmas Carols’ CD at the Terrorist Detention Center of Guantanamo Bay Naval Base as a cruel and unusual punishment. Human Rights advocates have suggested that any information gleaned in questioning Taliban prisoners gained through the use of Pan Pipe Christmas Carols was unlikely to be admissible in US court since anyone subjected to such heinous auditory torture was unlikely to remain sane enough to tell right from wrong, right from left or girl from boy/androgene/intersex/Trans+ etc.
People who (with the consent of all parties) have intimate relationships with more than one parrot, budgerigar, or lovebird are said to be Polyamorous. According to the Webster’s Dictionary definition this is not limited to sexual relationships, but also includes intimate emotional relationships with any avian member of the Psittaciformes Order. But try telling that to the famous Polyamorist Nebraska Thunderf*ck, who admits to having “seen a cockatoo in my time” but claims to be unable to “pass a lorikeet without feeling the urge to fluff up my throat-plumage, starting the mating dance and collecting twigs for nest-building”.
Polysexuality is the sexual attraction to multiple fowl, but not necessarily to all forms of psittacine. Polysexuals are usually attracted to true-parrots but are often not sexually interested in New Zealand parrots, such as the flightless Kea. Unlike Polyamory which includes romance in the relationship mix, Polysexuality is limited to sexual attraction and cloaca-on-cloaca action with multiple birds of either gender. Attraction is exclusively sexual – nothing more, nothing less - and polysexual males frequently abandon their partners once eggs have been laid, eschewing brood-duty in favour of pursuing the single life: bar-crawling, eating peanuts and asking who is or is not a “Pretty boy then”.
Similarly, Androsexuals is a term used to encompass anyone with sexual feelings towards humanoid robots, whereas Androgynosexuals are solely attracted to humanoid robots equipped with soft-touch, pulsating vaginas with fully remote control, vary-speed, vibrating function and a washable semen-traps.
Gender & Sex[edit]
One of the most vexed issue of the day across the globe that confounds many governments, religious groupings and Scout packs is the distinction between Sex and Gender. In general, Gender refers to where a person feels that he/she/xhe/it personally falls on the spectrum between male and female, whereas sex refers to grinding your penis into one or more of your partner's bodily cavities, or availing your partner of a body-cavity into which they can grind their genitals, digits, nose, hamster, bicycle etc.
Worldwide, the vast majority of people identify as male or female, but some fall in the middle or move throughout the spectrum and encompass a range of delineations as broad as {insert yo Momma joke here}, many of these gender decsriptions are as complex and difficult to pronounce as the contents of the IKEA catalogue, though their adherents may be more stimulating to sit on.
Cisgender[edit]
Those who identify as Cisgender adopt the gender of their sister(s). This can be especially psychologically disturbing for Cis-gendered people whose sisters adopt the Novigender or another of the more esoteric genders that have come into fashion over the last two decades.
The majority of South Africans take a less nuanced view of gender and generally insist that Cis-gendered people adopt the gender of people from the west bank of the Kei river rather than adopting the gender of people living east of the river in Transkei. Visitors to South Africa should, therefore, take care not to adopt European or North American understandings of these terms when speaking to South Africans and should avoid visiting either Ciskei or Transkei as both are excellent places in which to be raped and/or murdered, not necessarily in that order.
Cis-gendered organic chemists identify as Hydrocarbon-related isomers where two identical substituent groups are locked into position on the same side of a non-rotating, pi-bonded molecule due to the orbital geometry of their p-orbital over-lap. However, within the wider Science community those making such claims are often shunned, even by other Organic chemists - a social grouping traditionally unable to find dates due to the overwhelming odour of their area of study and conversation limited to quantum molecular-orbital theory, the resonance electron-density distribution model and regret.
Trans[edit]
Transgender describes those identify with a gender different than the classic 1974 Pontiac they have been restoring in their garage. Transsexual, however, describes those who have had Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS) to change the sexual organs they were born with to match the gender of their classic Pontiac. Both Transgender and Transsexual people are classified by the American Psychological Institute as Mechanophiles [2], but increasing numbers of Transgender and Transsexual claim not to be attracted to automotive engineers of any kind.
Many people will define themselves as both Transgender and Transsexual before their gender-reassignment has been completed. For instance, a person who has replaced their birth-headlights with E-mark approved 4 to 6 inch, 60 Watt bulbs with functioning High and Dipped-beam function but who is yet to replace their 2.5 inch, stainless steel, splitter-style T304 tail-pipe with a more basic exhaust outlet would qualify as Transgender but not formally as Transsexual.
To avoid confusion such people are often assigned gender, Trans+, and can be found hanging around scrap-yards, parts shops and auto-reclamation facilities.
Other Genders[edit]
Intersex: Most people will admit to being or having been into sex at some stage in their life and yet do not identify as being intersex. Presumably, this is because the term has come to be associated with people born with genitals, gonads, and/or chromosomes that do not match up exactly with male or female. This small demographic has been keen to embrace the label and often cheerfully admit to being "seriously into sex, dude", presumably duet to the unusual number of sexual possibilities their novel genitalia present.
UNESCO report that intersex individuals in Northern Europe are about as common as redheads, which suggests that at least a third of the population of Ireland and a similar proportion of Scots have genitals of indeterminate nature, and which explains both Nicola Sturgeon and Boyzone. Since 1987, it has been illegal to discriminate against intersex people as, unlike Gingers, intersex people have been shown to possess souls. Intersex people are sometimes assumed to be Genderfluid but this more correctly describes those who move between genders, as well as being one of many synonyms for Jizz.
MtF is short-hand for people assigned male at birth who identifies as female. Likewise, FtM were assigned the female gender at birth but identify as male. The label M+M is reserved for those assigned male at birth but identifying as a candy-coated chocolate drops.
Binary is a loosely defined term that can simply refer to the genders at each end of the gender-spectrum, but which is also used to describe people at all points along the spectrum with the ability to do complex mathematics in bases other than 10. Anyone who smiles while reading the statement “As easy as 01, 10, 11” is potentially binary and should be avoided at all costs at dinner-parties.
Non-Binary is an umbrella term reserved for those identifying at places significantly far from the ends of the gender spectrum, and are frequently found wearing t-shirts stating that “There are ten types of people in the world. Those that know hexadecimal, and F the rest.” In the majority of the world’s 198 legal codes, it is fully permissible (and sometimes compulsory) to liquidise such people and to flush their greasy remains into the nearest sewer.
None of the above should be confused with being Bi-gender which is commonly used to describe those who identify as both male and female at the same time rather than fluctuating. It can, however, be used to describe people identifying as any two genders concurrently, while those identifying as more than two genders are more correctly described as Polygender or census-makers’ nightmares.
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Genderless people (also Agender and Gendervoid) such as Action Man/GI Joe are sometimes, but should not be, confused with Eunuchs – males who had their testes (and sometimes their entire genitals) removed to qualify for the Imperial Chinese Civil Service or to sing within Southern European cathedrals as castrati. Both practices ceased in the Twentieth Century when the Bee Gees proved able to produce ear-splitting, hypersonic sounds without the need for surgical intervention, and the Inland Revenue Service is now the only branch iof the Civil Service to have orchidectomy as an entrance requirement. Confusingly, a small but vocal group of people identify as Neutrois – neither male, nor female, anywhere between nor genderless. In previous generations, these people were referred to dismissively as The Dead. A similar but distinct gender are the gender-apathetic, who simply do not care what gender you wish to assign them so long as there is lasagne, wine and Netflix. Be aware, Androgyne was removed from the approved list of recognised genders when it was found to be a 1980s Jean-Michel Jarre album, albeit one without balls.
Several other genders have received publicity in recent years but, at Uncyclopedia, we remain unconvinced by some of these. Maveriques claim to be a non-binary gender existing outside the orthodox social bounds of gender, and Novigenders claim a gender so complex that it is impossible to describe. But there would appear to be a number of other available gender descriptions such a person might usefully utilise along with the adjectives attention-seeking, self-publicising and the noun wanker.
Finally, a number of people with weak gender-identification of themselves have begun to adopt the label as Greygender but our committee believes that this is a term best used to describe the sole gender of visiting aliens who, for some reason, you don’t believe abducted your neighbour while he was driving alone down the highway just because he drinks heavily and has a collection of used tractor tyres in his yard. The cynicism! What else but a one-gender, asexually reproducing species would insist on anally probing their experimental subjects just for kicks?
Finally, a number of people with weak gender-identification of themselves have begun to adopt the label as Greygender but our committee believes that this is a term best used to describe the sole gender of visiting aliens who, for some reason, you don’t believe abducted your neighbour while he was driving alone down the highway. That he drinks heavily, talks to mail-boxes and has a collection of used tractor tyres in his yard makes him all themore interesting to visitorsfrom another planet, fascinated with those of us who think differently.
And, just because society at large dismisses the idea of alien-abduction, should you? What else but a one-gender, asexually-reproducing species would insist on anally probing hill-billies with sub 80 IQs just for kicks?