Belly Button
The Belly Button or the Navel (but since only weirdos and army personnel use the word "navel" we'll just be calling it the belly button), is a scar on the abdomen left by rowdy fetuses who like to play ball in the womb. They can have varying shapes, depths, and lengths, depending upon how rambunctious you were in your mother's tummy and various odors and colors. Because of how unique they are to the individual, in the future along with fingerprinting, retinal scans, and radio collar transmissions, belly button scans will become a staple for national security.
Only humans have them since it's just the human fetus who plays contact sports in the uterus. Though there are many variants, the belly button typically comes in two types; Innies and Outties. In ancient times, Innies and Outties often raged bloody and fruitless inter-continental wars against each other, resulting in no clear winner and a lot of wasted time.
The Innie Belly Button[edit]
The innie belly button is the most talked about type of belly button. For reasons that can only be described as "because it resembles a vagina". Along with outties, they are the most versatile type of navel. They can be an amazing source of entertainment/spiritual renewal. Shove a small candle into that innie hole, cup your hands and it's Easter Sunday. Or attach hooks to it and suspend yourself over lava flows from a helicopter as part of your routine on your weekly special on A&E.
Warning: When performing a raspberry, do not accidentally lick around the navel area unless it is clean. You will get belly button lint in your mouth and it does not taste like Macdonald's Apple Pie. Otherwise, suck on it as long as you like.
Functions of the Innie Belly button[edit]
The innie belly button serves a wealth of handy uses for the individual/society.
- Tremendous amounts of storage space - up to about 320 GB or two Ipod Classics.
- Swimming Pool- Only if laying flat. Also is a hassle to clean as lint frequently mixes with the water creating quicksand thus making the swimming pool a non-viable option for belly button use.
- Bathroom - Again only if laying flat. The navel-potty is easily flushed out by standing up again.
- Natural Spring Water - Caution; The residue from left over navel fluff gives the water a funny taste.
- Personal Identification - As each belly button is unique, the navel serves as a quick and easy way to distinguish between identical twins.
- You can also use one as a vagina
- Subsidized Housing - Lay flat for best results. No roof though.
- Copulation - Girlfriend so fat you can't reach her va jay jay? The Belly button is there.
- Portal to Another Dimension - Time travel also available.
- Drinking Glass - Fill a belly button with liquid and drink from it. You can also fill it with food and eat out of it.
The Outtie Belly Button[edit]
The outtie belly button is the less celebrated of the two types of navels due to reasons that can only be described as "because confused little girls like to pretend their prominent outtie belly button protrusions is an abdominal penis and love to horrify their older brothers by grabbing it and making "psssss" sound as if they are peeing." The outtie belly button is less likely to be exposed mainly due to its horrendous ugliness. Star Wars co-star Jabba the Hut is actually the outtie belly button of a young woman who is trapped underneath but otherwise healthy.
Outtie belly buttons are extremely soft and tender and when pushed in by a curious finger, one can hear the sounds of the intestines sloshing around. Because of their tenderness, the outtie belly button has been targeted by reflexologists as a point of concentration for massages. Slow gentle strokes of the outtie can cause it to spray a white liquid into the massager's face. The outtie belly button is the number one erogenous zone.
Functions of the Outtie Belly Button[edit]
Much like innie, the outtie belly button serves a variety uses for everyday and every other day-people.
- Trampoline - The outtie belly button is spring loaded. Just grab your children and hop and jump to your heart's content or until you have a heart attack from strenuous physical activity due to your habit of eating 11 cheeseburgers a day.
- Rappelling - Attach some rope, grab on to the rope, swing from the rope, push off while on the rope, land and put the rope away. Read a book. Just like a spy.
- Dairy products - The outtie's resemblance to a cow's utter makes it ideal for milking. (Caution; outtie belly buttons don't actually produce milk. If you yank on it and white fluid comes out, don't drink it. You just mistakenly found the penis.)
- Pylons - Place several people with outtie's next to each other and you can have navigable pylons for your driver's test. Alternatively, construct more to get additional pylons.
- Microphone The outtie belly buttons hollow structure allows for tremendous resonance of the voice when spoken into. Word of advice; people generally don't like it when you sing into their navels. Ask first.
- Doorbell - The outtie is very soft and squishy and when pushed makes a loud "Squerssshhh" sound. Also, pushing in the outtie and yelling "DING DONG" is just as effective.
- Discipline - Children being brats again? Wife won't whip up that sammich? Dog heels instead of attacks? The outtie belly button's protrusion-like state and flexibility makes it ideal for use as a whip. If you have an outtie, just jump up and down and move side to side and the navel will curl and snap at anybody daring to disrespect your authority.
The Belly Button in Pop Culture[edit]
Many celebrities and regular Janes across the globe get off by exposing their belly buttons, especially innies. The fashion industry has been quick to capitalize on this. Crop top shirts that slowly constrict the blood flow to the upper and lower body, causing the blood to pool at the mid-section more specifically the navel, giving it a bright red glow, are very common specifically in the Western World. Belly Button piercings are also very common with each individual adorning their own type of ring, with each ring granting the individual the power of Earth, Wind, Fire, or Heart.
Belly Button Lint[edit]
Belly button lint is a byproduct of having a belly button. It is unavoidable and must be eliminated from time to time or it can become a nest to a family of Navel Eagles. You don't want Navel Eagles because it is very awkward explaining to your school counselor why you have birds of prey on your abdomen. The worst part is, you probably won't have an answer and will have to serve lunch detention for an entire semester. Also, belly button lint can become food for a rare type of parasite creatively named the "Navel Parasite". It is a type of worm that feeds on navel belly button lint. You'd think that would be a good thing having them because they eliminate navel fluff with their voracious appetites, but they don't stop eating once the lint is gone. They then burrow themselves deep in your tummy and explode, which causes you to gain weight. Naval parasites are the leading cause of obesity in humans. They have also been linked to navel cancer. This paragraph is a little more long-winded than I had hoped it would be...
Cleaning the Belly Button[edit]
Especially for innies, dirt and debri tends to collect after periods of time and left unnoticed. As they accumulate, you will realize a foul smell developing and this indicates it is time to clear your belly button. To clean, it is recommended that you stick a Q-tip in your innie and clean in circular motion. Be gentle and some moisturizer would be great since skin is really sensitive in there. Many couples opt for use of tongue to clean each others' belly buttons during erotic sex.
Belly Button Lint as Art[edit]
Many people, mostly Europeans, highly regard the lint of navel. Every year in Paris, France,scores of condescending, trite and contrived Euro-hippies gather at the front gate of the Louvre, waving wads of cash. This is where auction begins. Countless amounts of money are spent on navel fluff carvings of inanimate objects such as the erect penis, or abstract paintings of concepts such as being a total bitch, or random navel pottery fluff. This event which donates a whopping 3.6% of it's profits to curing nail fungi is called the Le Carnivale de Douchebagz, which translates to "The Great Navel Auction".
Some forms of Belly Button Lint often sold include;
- Navel Lint Statues - Made completely out of belly button lint, they can sometimes tower up to 6 or more feet in height. Due to navel fluff's soft texture these statues are not very solid and are prone to collapse at the most inconvenient of times like when you are hauling your navel statue of Katie Holmes into your station wagon and it falls apart just as your wife goes into labor. They often emit a funky smell and eerie glow at night.
- Navel Lint Pottery - Created by grabbing a wad of lint from your own navel, you place your belly button lint on a tray which is spun by a pedal on the floor into any shape you desire. The lint is moistened beforehand to make working with navel fluff more irritating.
- Navel Lint Paint - Gathering your navel fluff and throwing it into a moist pile, then adding dye makes for a tremendously useful paint. Take your brush, dip it into the paint and make paintings of things nobody cares about such as colorful charts of economic theory.
- Navel Lint Interpretive Dance - Often times to enhance their already mind-blowing routines, interpretive dance experts smear a combination of navel lint and canola oil on their bodies forming a thick plaster over themselves. They then hold their arms out in front of them in a zombie like manner and terrorize the audience members in the front row by consuming them. They don't actually dance in these specific routines and there is nothing to interpret. Rightly so, use of belly button lint has been outlawed in performing arts.