Philosophers
Philosophers are people just like you. They like to eat fruit and shine their shoes.
The history of Philosophy (roughly translated as "the love of shoe horns") began approximately 50 years ago when Plato asked the famous question, "What is the ultimate answer; the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything?" (It turns out the answer was 42.) After killing Socrates for asking too many questions, Plato went on to teach Aristotle how to dance, and Aristotle extrapolated from the Platonian method of dance that "above all, reason is the greatest."
Afterwards, Aristotle went on to marry Catherine the Great, and they produced many children, all of whom they decided to name Philosopher. The descendants of the Philosophers are now known as philosophers. Philosophers are identifiable by their long, white beards(even the women!), often pretend to be in deep thought, wear togas, and are generally useless in society. Many specimens can be found in Universities, sipping coffee and talking about Truth.
Aristotle's firstborn son, Rene Descartes, was a man of small stature who provoked great ridicule upon himself by wearing clothing outdated by a couple of centuries. He was interested in psychology and developed a system of counting the demons present in the human body (all of them around the stomach area). He tried to prove the existance of God but due to lack of faith he always ended leading the argument into a circle. Later he became the first rational man by realizing that since he thinks he must exist.
In 1976, a descendent of the Philosophers, Cappuccino "Adam" Smith, founded the Economers lineage of the philosopher family. The Economers turned common sense and family tradition around, preferring to sip Truth and talk about coffee. The tea-house lady Smith founded the line upon, Adeartha Acton, is worshipped in family rituals as the Dismal Dame and the dismal lay.
The ringleader of the godless skeptics was David Hume, a close friend of Smith, from the same historical period known as the Age of Darkening Coffee. He and his lackeys, namely Isaac Newton, Thomas Hobbes and John Locke would pray on unsuspecting innocent Christians, sneak up on them in dark street corners, steal their lunch money and then laugh victoriously: "God is not here today. HAHAHA..." Despite these evil acts, which strengthened Cristianity by promoting martyrdom, Hume had one bright idea about the nature of coffee which he claimed is a priorily synthetic. However, he never explained why.
A big gap being left on the idea of Coffee's essence and origin, a new mind emerged to try and complicate things further - Immanuel Kant. A Russian hey hustler from Kaliningrad he and his family were German impostors who served as secret intelligence agents of the exiled Tzar. Soon, young Kant got tired of sneaking around trying to sell hey on the side and after accidentally finding a copy of Hume's "On the Coffee in Humans" in a Danish public restroom, he set his mind on philosophy. He developed the ideas of prior internal coffee synthesis and came up with a purer form of coffee known as espresso (which means "discombobulated expression" in Ugro-Finnish).
The Cluelessundergrads are a completely unrelated family. They try to coffee Truth and to talk sip, but don't do either very well. The most prominent name of this group is Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel (his full maiden name) who ironically became a head of department spreading confusion. Hegel's bitter enemy Arthur Schopenhauer would spend years attempting to repair the damage, sometimes resorting to guerilla tactics with home made explosives. However, it was in vain as Hegel's twin sons Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels continued his legacy, the former of whom would paint his face red claiming to be a reincarnation of a Judaic prophet. Both were subsequently arrested and condemned for embezzlement, racketeering, credit card fraud, labour union tampering, and terroristic acts against small business owners.
The Great Philosopher Hunt[edit]
25 years ago, Nietzsche, the fifth son of Aristotle, decided philosophy wasn't so great, and teamed up with the recently-late, esteemed, gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson to hunt them down. To this day, the Nietzsche Society for a More Useful Society offers rewards in excess of $2,000 for philosopher scalps.