Canterbury

Canterbury lies at the heart of the City of Canterbury, a local government district of Kent, in South East England that straddles the River Styx.

Archbishop of canterbury dreaming

History

Canterbury was established in 1066 by evacuees of the Brilliant Fire of London (also know as the Great Fire or, by detractors, as the Not Very Good Fire). It is a city in Kent that is the spiritual home of the Church of England, a pseudo-religious belief system based around supporting the England football team. Canterbury is also the site of a small chapel where something called 'Christianity' is practised. Christianity (or Godism) - despite popular belief - was invented in Canterbury C.1170 AD (After Dinner) in the Middle Ages. A local eccentric named Thomas a' Becket decided that Catholicism wasn't for him as he preferred sodomising farmyard animals to small boys. He also had a sneaking suspicion that the Pope was a Nazi. In modern times, Canterbury was the site of a failed airborne invasion in the Second World War. Ze Germans, as they like to be known, chose Canterbury due to its strategical importance of being within England. Their plot was thwarted when their parachutes failed to open and they all fell to their death. The reason for this was found to be poor workmanship on the parachutes. They were made in a Welsh sweatshop.

Population

Canterbury is one of the largest cities in the world after Scunthorpe (the economic capital of England) and Wales, which, despite its inhabitants' protestations, is a city and not a country. The population currently stands at approximately 9 million people, with many living in middle class houses; however the majority living in lower class hovels, which are locally termed 'Shit Holes'. The ethnicity is as follows; 40% Polish (70% of these are Polish chavs), 18% Chinese, 60% Student, and 2% native English. This accounts for 120% - Canterbury's female teenagers are working hard to increase the population so as to rectify this mathematical problem. There is a long-standing embargo on anyone moving in or out, unless they have first sought permission from the Archbishop who in turn must ask if God personally permits the proposed move. Many of the students inhabiting Canterbury have been there for many years, having never left once allowed in. Many Godists believe that this is because students, rather than Jews, are God's chosen people. Canterbury is home to Barton Court Gayrammar School, which holds over 800 inmates, I mean pupils.

Geography

Canterbury lies within a deep gorge which is larger both in length and depth than the Grand Canyon in Holland. The surrounding hills are named after Saint Stephen, Saint Martin, and Saint Dunstan. The origin of these names comes from three warring blokes who fought in 1918 over the valley, using Polish immigrants as foot soldiers (human shields) before deciding it didn't matter all that much. They were made saints in 1995 when the Archbishop recognised their services to society. Through the middle of Canterbury runs the River Stour, which is the third longest river in the world, at over 100 miles in length. The river was only discovered in 1983, when the then Archbishop Sylvester Stallone fell in having not noticed it was there.

Thomas à Becket

Thomas à Becket was Archbishop of Canterbury in 1170. He brought in many reforms within the Church of England, such as the rule that all clergy must be closet homosexuals. He gained the name à Becket as 'Ahh!' was his last audible sound when he was stabbed by consent of the King who had caught him sodomising the Royal Flock.

Legends

Canterbury is renowned worldwide for its ghost population. A 2004 survey estimated that 70% of its citizens were tormented earthbound souls. Ethereal spirits are in such demand in the city, that in the late 1990s the local council began a countrywide employment drive for the dead, successfully recruiting at least one ghost for every two pubs.

Hank the Twat

One of Canterbury's best-known ghosts, Hank the Twat can be seen - as legend has it - floating along the river on Sunday nights, bemoaning his lot. He can be recognised by that fact he's in the river and answers to the name Hank. It is said that if one looks directly into his eyes, they will see eyes.

Mary O'Skulligan

Blankets for eyes, hammers for fingers, a biscuit for her single foot! This is the sort of cack tourists visit Canterbury for. And they're seldom often disappointed.

Alan Davies

Apparently he went to university in Canterbury. Is he dead yet?

Institutions and Traditions

Canterbury's main institutions are the Cathedral, the King's School, The Universities and the production of cheese.

The Cathedral

The cathedral of Canterbury is enormous, one of the largest in Europe. Its cavernous interior can hold as many as 17 people in relative comfort. The traditional ceremonies that take place include regular sex shows, sodomy of farmyard animals and occasional praying. The cathedral's boss is the Archbishop, who answers directly to God.

The King's School

The King's School is an academy for posh little twats who have plenty of heritage. The school is known for its orgies, its high cocaine use and its student-teacher relationships. Its traditional ceremonies include 'Insulting the Proletariat', 'Running from the Drunken Students', and 'Getting Sodomised by the Cocaine-Drenched Teacher.' The last of these traditions is a remnant from the days when Britain was a Catholic country.

The Universities

60% of Canterbury's population are students. They attend either 'The University of Kent, or 'Canterbury Christ Church Polytechnic' (often mistaken for a university). The University of Kent is in fact academically one of the best universities in the world, and their students are completely aware of that. University of Kent offers unconditional offers to any student who's next of kin earns 50k and above, should this not suffice it has been said that UCAS points are also accepted as a coin of eligibility. Popular alumni of University of Kent include Britney Spears, Ken Barlow and Kerry Katona whom all were awarded a first class degree. Next time you bump into a current or former student of University of Kent, ask them about themselves and you'll see their head growing ever so slightly. This is their ego pressing against their skull, they love the feeling.

Canterbury Christ Church Polytechnic offers a wide range of degrees, however it is best known for its crayoning and finger painting courses which are known nationwide. Its relatively small however this only adds to its quaint environment.

Other Notable Facts

Cheese Making

Canterbury is an important cheese-making city. The popular cheddar 'Cathedral City' is made here with the milk of virgin cattle.

St Julian

Canterbury is the legendary home of St. Julian, bearded wonder of British business, entrepreneur, bon vivant and man-about-town.

Food shortage

There are no Tesco Supestores, Extras or Expreses on the city of Canterbury; just a Metro which has been scientifically proven after much investigation to be classed as "shit" as it sells no Aunt Bessie Crinkle Cut Chips. The lack of food supply is so vast to the extent where I heard a morbidly obese man once say, and I quote "peckish".

See Also

• Christianity
• Great Britain