Excommunicate
“U R XCOMMUNIC8TED LOL! PWNED!”
To excommunicate someone is to throw them out of the Catholic Church.
Generally, only the Pope can excommunicate people, though Chuck Norris has sometimes excommunicated people, generally with a roundhouse kick.
Not to be confused with Ex-Communicating, which is generally frowned upon, unless you get yourself some sweet booty. Which is unlikely, seeing as the person in question is your Ex to begin with.
Note: Excommunicated Catholic girls are always, always horny. This is a good thing.
De-excommunication of Dave Shell[edit]
Dave Shell was formally excommunicated by the Belchertown Passion of the Christ Vatican on November 12th, 2003. After constant pleading by Dave Shell to be De-excommunicated, the Church allowed him to be, after abiding the following rules:
The first party has agreed that the time is upon us for the de-excommunication of the second party. The first party is willing to accept the de-excommunication of the second party as long as the second party accepts and follows the following terms of the first party:
I. The Passion The first term is that the second party must accept The Passion of the Christ as the greatest work of cinema ever created (or devised). Ergo, any mention by the second party of any film that the second party believes to be the "greatest (or best) movie ever made" is a direct breach of the contract. Concordantly, the contract is void and the excommunication is reinstated. the previous relates to all of the proceeding terms, as well.
II. Food As by the request of the first party, the second party must get cuisines for the first party at any time requested by the first party. Paying for the aformentioned food products is not a term, as thou will be paid by the first party.
III. Movies If at any time, the first party requests that the second party not be present at a film viewing, the second party must not attend.
IV. Seating The first party may, at any time, request that the second party be seated in a chosen seat and/or position. This is applicable for cafeteria, cinema, and any other seating arrangements.
V. Speech The second party may at times be asked to be silent, speak quieter, or in any other direction; by the first party.
VI. Judaism As by the frequent request of the first party, the second party must accept the Jewish faith as a valid religion and never scold Jews (except in very rare circumstances announced by the first party). This includes any scolding of anyone of Jewish/Hebrew background, as well as any recent converts to the Jewish faith. Scolding of Jews or Judaism in the context given in The Passion of the Christ is o.k. as well as quoting lines from South Park about Jews or Judaism.
VII. Jehovah's Witnesses The second party must disregard any Watchtower eschatology accepting a future date to be Judgement Day.
VIII. Mormonism Last, but not least, the second party must accept that Mormonism is the worst and most stupid religion in the world. This includes the frequent torture and/or murder of Mormons seen until they convert to either Buddhism or Theistic Deism (atheism can be accepted as well), as long as they don't get tortured in the way that Jesus did in the Passion, out of respect. These terms must be followed always (until such time as the first party deems them unnecessary).
The following signatures make this contract legally binding to both parties. First party: Kevin Lucey (Cardinal Bernard Pekaw), Pope John Conor III, Tucker Johnson (Bishop Aringosa Jägermeister)
Second party: David Shell (Jewnadienne)
Offences that result in excommunication[edit]
- Using birth control
- Having sex with a nun
Touching little boys- Visiting Norway or Sweden
- Reading Harry Potter or His Dark Materials
- Coughing during church
- Getting drunk using communion wine
- Stealing offering money to buy porn
- Getting within 100 miles of Las Vegas
- Accepting the theory of a heliocentric solar system
- Shopping at Wal★Mart
