Horny

Unbeknownst to all, this horny toad is making good use of the victim's hand. The victim will write it off as one of the more acceptable bodily wastes and never speak of it again, as is often the case when a male is touched by the genital excrement of another male.

“Yes Please!”

~ Oscar Wilde on being horny

Being horny isn't one of the strangest of the strange diseases of life, with "victims" ranging from birth to Mick Jagger and Madonna. You, in fact, at this moment are horny, you just don't know it. Or you may do, in which case away with you! I'm not that sort of article. "It" comes in many forms and is common in all species of animals. Be it the dog humping your leg or your little brother on the sofa pillows, it's there staring you straight in the groin. Women used to call it the 'tickle' or 'itch' but have now adopted 'horn' as a more graphic description of the same problem.

Facts about being Horny

Looking for Cape Horn.

Being horny is a disease that one covers up in the early stages. It can be triggered by the fold of your jeans, wearing shrunken boxers or trying to squeeze your enlarged organs into a pair of pants you had when you were 11. Other stimuli can come from watching Justin Bieber or cheering on your team on a sports field. To find a safe way of trying to curb your own sexual enthusiasm, you have to be willing to experiment. Just placing your hands there or trying to squeeze the sack won't work. One favourite method is by sticking one's hands in one's pockets and pushing the thumb outward as far as possible while walking in an obvious sort of hunched over position and hoping to god the cool kids don't notice), gives up trying to hide by the time one reaches 25 or so, and then feels the need to aid in the later stages of life by means of viagra, the weekender, and popping the cherries of innocent teenage girls who mistakenly happened by the church on her way home from school.

It is easy to see why for some people now, celebrating the horn is a good thing and a sign of virility. In the wild, Goats without horns are usually infertile, therefore we can assume that horny goats are perfectly capable of mating to produce offspring, and will not cease to do so unless forcibly restrained or subdued by means of tranquilizers or the calming effects of dark chocolate.

A rare picture of a woman that's actually horny..."Feme-Horny"; long believed to be a myth, was recently discovered on myspace and in Rhode Island.

Stags can be very horny—in fact, they are so horny that they are usually called "antlers" instead. That's why you shouldn't go into the forest alone, as their bony appendages can be quite painful if thrust into the abdomen. So you have been warned, steer clear of rutting stags. At sea Whales will migrate thousands of miles down the California coast in search of horn substitutes. Many a surfer has died as a result.

Some humans have made great efforts to find 'horn substitutes'. Popular amongst computer scientists, mathematicians and other shunned members of the community at large is the 'implant method'. To combat the horn, tiny lasers have been inserted behind their nipples. This diverts the brain arousal signal away from the groin to more socially acceptable part of the body. This has lead to the popularity of the Nipple Laser. It comes from the circulation of blood being simutaneously tricombusted into the form of electric waves that descend from the brain, down the spine and avoiding traffic jams in the pelvic region, shoot back up to the chest. That is why you should always check your insurance cover when partying with computer code experts. Proximity to their bodies could literally set you on fire.

The secret to having "laser tits" is to create arousal and stimulation in the mind and body while at the same time keeping your chest and especially taut pores extremely cold—almost subzero temperatures. It is with this natural ability that John Wilkes Booth was able to assassinate President Lincoln from behind closed doors. He was found earlier at the bar demanding ice and a rubdown from the male serving drinks. If Wilkes hadn't been aroused by the black Scottish terrier he brushed passed to the bathroom, he would have never been able to shoot bullets out of his nipples. Abe would have stayed honest, the shortage of white sheets in the South would have never happened and the Civil Rights Movement would not have been necessary. Martin Luther King would have lived out his days as a special advisor to Bill Clinton.

Horniness in History

All boys go from the metaphorical to the literal around about this age, or a lot later.

Since men are notorious about their inability to keep it in their codpieces, a lot of history is essentially the 'need of horn' or cornucopia. Julius Caesar and Mark Antony let their need of it dictate their lustful chase of Cleopatra. Her various methods of cultivating horn gave Egyptian queen the title of 'Queen of the Toga Pole'. The Roman Empire was undone by later emperors who either couldn't get enough of horn or tried to stay away by developing different vices. Nor did the impact of Christianity affect this. Monastic became onanastic as abbeys turned out generations of sexually frustrated, horny holy men.

Later, men of power would show the same weakness. William Shakespeare's plays are replete of horny-corny humour, men 'wearing the cuckold horns' or becoming a strumpet's crumpet. Men tried to get away from the urge by becoming an explorer but as is obvious with landmarks like 'Cape Horn' and the 'Horn of Africa', some obviously couldn't get it out of their minds. Others have tried multiple marriages like Henry VIII and Charlie Chaplin to curb the horn but failed. Everyman is a Little Boy Blue who wants to blow his own horn or get someone else to do it for him.

Today, the spread of horniness amongst men has allowed it to be socially acceptable. Now even women can admit to it without getting stoned or executed (except in Saudi Arabia, Iran, South Carolina, Disneyland..). Horniness has become a leading medical issue as the expectation and gratification of horn will lead to the extinction of humanity, followed closely by the Rhino and the Elephant, especially when horn runs out and we have to start on tusks.

Treating Horny (for Men)

A 'hands on' cure.

If you come down with a case of horny, there are several actions you can take. Some of them are relatively painless, and the others are for those masochists out there:

• You can take antibiotics. These treat the infection roaming through your body. In order to make sure they work you should put your left foot in, take your left foot out, put your left foot in and shake it all about. That's basically what it's all about.
• Castration. That is right, a good ol' chop at the nads. Quick and effective. My advice, don't use anastethic.

• Death. If you are dead then you can't really be horny. Can you, punk?
• For you religion nuts out there, pray to Satan. Clearly someone who doesn't want to be horny is Satan worshipper.

• Sex. The only sure fire way to rid yourself of an embarrassing case of horny is to screw anything that moves or at least looks like you could poke your dick in it and retrieve it safely. More than 98% of the male popluation suffers from horny at any one time, as reported from an Australian study conducted recently. The study concluded that the other 2% are statisticians or castrated monthly. The Australian study was then studied by a North Korean study. Of course, the North Korean study was then studied by students at MIT. No one studied the students though, because they are nerds and no one likes nerds.
• Saw. To treat horny with a saw, obtain a saw and use it to remove the horns protruding out of your head and pubic region.

Treating Horny (for Women)

The boring cure.

Since the source of women's horniness is a lot more complicated, they have their own branch of medicine known as Gynaecology (not Geology as some believe) to offer advise and invasive cameras. Men have theirs too but it is called Selective Genital Elephantitis or Enlargement Surgery in the vernacular.

Over centuries, these have been the cures that woman have been treated with to douse down their libidos (batteries not included):=

• Marriage.
• Babies.
• Religion.
• John McCain.
• Housework.
• Dieting.

All have worked in the past and who is to say, they will not work in the future. Surgery is also an option but not available to Catholics without a signed letter from the Vatican.

See also

• Masturbation
• Girls