From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“Heh, I've already broken that habit.”

~ Duke Nukem on nuns


~ Father Jack on nuns

“Nuns! Reverse! Reverse! Me”

~ nuns

“Fuck you, penguin.”

~ a small child

“Why so mean to thy fellow penguins?.”

~ Lord Guin

“Nice, but the wrong gender.”

~ Oscar Wilde on nuns

“Get thee to a nunnery”

~ Hamlet on nuns

“At one point The Empire State Building was the tallest building in the world.”

~ Captain Irrelevant on nuns

Those of you from CreationWiki a message from God and Evolution. Hello from Illinois this one been reading the based article Feeding The Dogs....

A nun is a woman trying desperately to become a penguin through habit. Nuns, unlike penguins, may fly and give small children hand jobs if starring in a television series or when fired from a Chuck-Nun. A ni is not to be confused with a nun, for this is a terrible insult to the Knights who say Ni! In common parlance, however, a nun is a female monk.

Nun may also refer to the state of having less than some.

Also used in an alternative saying for not your business: nun-ya.

Use by the Pope as 'semi-elite' soldiers in the AOG[edit]

Nuns, being naturally feminine, curvacious, and well... brutally penguinesque are often 'called' upon by the Pope for use in special operations that normally involve hijacking or killing the adherents of some branch of Protestantism. Some cases, or another when the Modern Swiss Guard is too busy fucking around with the Pope's bitches.

The typical Nun receives 3 months-a-year complimentary weapons (for killing Vampires,) survival, and Sudustion training along with a shotgun, 3 grenades, and special priestly blessed vaginal rosaries for use in combating the Heretical Protestant Threat.

These 'Footsoldiers' have operated somewhat successfully for the last 400 years until 1955 when John Ashcroft and other Protestant leaders formed a pact with the WBC and the Sing Along N' Dance (Like Hell) All Black Gospel Praise Choir Church on whateverstreet Mississippi that resulted in the highly successful Holy Church-Christ Army of Protest which, among other famous exploits did the following to severely wound the Pope's numero dos footsoldiers reputation and morale.

  • Destroyed Convent #171 in a 2 hour 5 man assault that obliterated the horrifying anti-aircraft gun that would served to protect that particular Convent from the Protestants for eons past.
  • Got back at Pope John Paul II and severely weakened his 'Holy' power.
  • Defeated John Paul's second in command, Randall Flagg at Las Vegas, Nevada and managed to escape the wrath of the deadly blue Virus
  • Managed to 'somewhat' hold off Ratzinger's all-out assault on the Protestants of America in what was known as 'Revenge of The Pope II: The Ratzinger Chronicles'. They also supposedly successfully infiltrated the Vatican with their own 'Elite poops' known as J'elites, but due to the United States, Government crackdown on overtly open war between Catholic and Protestant the outcome of this infiltration attempt is NOT known as of yet.
  • Butchered countless Nuns with their J'elite attacks (More info on the J'elite can be found here) and overall managed to balance out the power before things got too out of hand.

The History of "My Child"[edit]

Despite never hardly ever indulging in "sex" per se, nuns have managed to find a 'legitimate' way to get pregnant. Unfortunately, this occurs every time they put on their robes. Thus, they have an insane amount of children. Often forgetting which child is theirs and which one is Sister Mary Beth, they decided calling everyone "My Child" is a generally safe idea.

But Seriously[edit]

No. Still not going to do it. Can you blame me?

Consider This a Warning[edit]

See how easy I buckle to pressure! Hmmmph! Outrageous!

Oh, yes. Nuns. Dreadful beasts, over seven stone, with sharp teeth and soulless eyes, two meters long. Known to spend long periods of time submerged. Can strike without warning. Bloody pests, they are.

Types of Nuns[edit]

Sally Field|Flying Nuns[edit]

Invented by the Germans in World War 1, they soon became the terror of the skies, shooting down balloons, planes, UFOs, and dead souls rising to Heaven. The first flying nun was flown by Manfred von Richtofen, the Red Baron, while he was waiting for the paint to dry on his plane. In total, flying nuns racked up an outstanding 135 kills before the war ended.

Their means of propulsion is basically powered by pushing out a consistent stream of flatus, or fart gases in laymen's terms, which they can maintain non-stop for up to four hours. This has the added effect of disabling defensive anti-air batteries and pursuing fighter planes trying to shoot them down, as they are instantly fatal to pilots and gunners not equipped with gas masks.

Singing Nuns[edit]

A plot device used in movies, such as "The Sound of Music", "Debbie Does Dallas", and both "Sister Act" movies. Typically they are used when someone needs a song sung about some kind of moral issue.

Evil Nuns[edit]

Get it? Nun Chucks? right, blah blah blah, my cousin did this joke better!

Used as a plot device in many horror movies, these are the most fun of all nuns. Unlike other nuns, they drink blood and enjoy sex. See "Rosemary's Baby", "The Omen", or "Bird on a Wire". They will rape you with their saggy old vaginas and attack you with their saggy and un-perky tits which stretch when they fling them at you. They have sex with Satan and shoot their demonic abortion babies at you.


NunZillas are commonly found in Turkmenistan, and they are unique in the fact that they can breathe fire out of their nostrils, crush cars with their tusks, and mercilessly grade pop-quizzes. NunZillas are the leading cause of death, cancer and heart attacks are direct causes of NunZilla snot.

The Nun of Your Business[edit]

A slave nun, usually hired by employers when they are short-staffed or if they're sick of employing and want to have a break and sit in front of a computer looking at various interesting websites on the net (eg: Facebook, Uncyclopedia). Their ability to undergo highly stressful positions in call centres and airline companies (including pilot) is sincerely benefited by those who are likely to suddenly experience SEHS due to the overwhelming intake of stress.

Common Nuns[edit]

These are the nuns that are usually found hanging out in nunneries or wandering around Europe smuggling drugs. They are the natural prey of Dean Koontz, who eats them to maintain his strength. These are also the nuns employed by the Pope in the Pope War(1492-1489) when he attempted world domination.

J-Town Nuns[edit]

Do you want me to explain this one, see the photo as they just gave ya the bird. They're often going around I-355 speeding while chugging volumes of Monster Energy as the average age for them are 24-28 years old. Kid cussing one out these nuns have their own brand of sass. They're often the younger version of the nun smoking a ciggie, reading 2 Kings 18:27 and throwing bird at you.

The kind of nun that was the archtype for the Clint Eastwood film where the nun was swearing and secretly having a cigarette. They'd make the given name of Mother Angelica blush, the family had the EWTN playing late hours of the night as some might not be able to banter about them as they show up in St. Joseph Provena every now and then. The J-Town Nun will change social windmills if given the chance. The grand-aunt would watch the Founding Mother on a tv screen for years and one may never know when a J-Town Nun would take the trip to Ohio to seek out Angelica. They do have a sarcastic humor to them and can out swear the pastor who came up with "Forgive Assholes." Except they would say "Bless you, hypocritical bastard" when it came to the priest who raped boys and murdered on camera. They'd be sending the one who killed the priest behind bars every small press title they have stashed.

Things Commonly Enjoyed By Nuns[edit]

A nun of the Church of Uncyclopedia (the Nuncyclopædian Order)

See Also[edit]

External links[edit]

*Here’s what a nun’s naughty bit looks like. Also features a monk with a hard on. This one works as desktop background but leaves a space.
*Here’s a monk and a nun almost naked. This one is the right shape for a desktop background. Is he doing her cunt or her ass?
Neither are copyrighted. Sporked from RationalWiki