Todd Palin

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Todd Palin in the mid-1980s, decked out in his Sunday-"Where's-the-meetin'?" clothes.

Todd Palin (born April 1, 1954), commonly known as "Sarah's Brainstem", is the ninth lover but first real husband of former Alaskan half-governor Sarah Palin, the 2008 Republican vice-presidential nominee. He is an oil production operator (i.e. hole digger), commercial fisherman (i.e. deboner), and, in his grandest accomplishment, drives a snowmobile.

Although he has a borderline-retarded I.Q., Todd Palin actually ran Alaska's government during the months that Sarah was governor. While sitting at the adult table at all the important meetings, he made the important decisions (as much as he was able to understand them), and was in-charge of thinking up even more important ways to shoot Alaska's wolves, systematically maim

or purposely embarrass

the rest of Alaska's wildlife, and uproariously decimate its natural resources.

Todd sincerely believes that he will once again take over the reigns of a government and become an astronaut when his wife is elected United States President in 2016. He is determined to become the second First Lady named Todd, tying Mary Todd Lincoln for that dubious honor. Once in the White House, Todd Palin fully intends to again become the power behind the throne, and has already made arrangements with the Secret Service to sleep on a couch in a room just behind the president's toilet.

The Secret Service, preparing for all possibilities, has given Todd Palin the code-name "Half-wit". Palin, on the other hand, enjoys the company of the Secret Service, and thinks they are well-dressed, although ungodly quiet and extremely nosey, maids and butlers.

Early life

Sarah Palin's special husband was raised by Jimmy "Jimbo" Palin and bottle-fed by Blanche "Beige" Palin. His daddy worked for a living, and made enough money to give Todd a real nice bike, a train set that blows smoke, and a pony ride at the zoo that one time. His mommy, a secretary of the Alaska Federation of Natives, is one-quarter Yup'ik (God bless you).

In 1975, after only five years and several hard-won summer sessions, Palin graduated from Wasilla High School, also the alma mater of his wife and one or two hundred of Wasilla's other "Northern Light babies" (all the kids goofed on Palin by spelling and pronoucing his name "Plain". Todd thought it was a compliment, until he wrote "Todd Plain" on his marriage license and Sarah had to set him straight.).

A fish out of water,

Todd has taken some college courses and hopes to earn his degree someday, although there is no realistic chance he will ever do so (unlike his wife, who went to six colleges before finally "earning" her degree).

Todd still keeps Whirlybird Jungle - his first and only car - out back, and pretends to drive it while "sitting in the man's seat".

While still occupying his early life, Palin began to hunt wolves when a deranged neighbor talked Jimbo and Beige into letting Todd travel "up-North" with him to rid Alaska of the dreaded creatures. When he bagged his first "big doggie" Todd nearly clapped his hands off, slobbered from the corners of his mouth, jumped up and down and back and forth in a retarded motion, and alternately laughed and giggled as its pack members nudged the carcass and howled with grief into the wind.


Just like a normal man, Todd wanted to earn some money to buy lots of the stuff he saw honestly depicted on his television and laid seductively before him on shelves in stores. So before realizing that they were all communist fronts, Todd joined every union that would take his parents' money. He belonged to the United Steelworkers Union, Rubber Manufacturing (wink wink, nudge nudge, rubbers) Union, and the Service Workers International Union. Todd tried to join the Ventriloquists Union, but they wouldn't have him because he never has learned how to keep his mouth shut.

To get plenty of oil-soaked folding money, Todd dug holes for British Petroleum (BP) - the same outfit that trashed the Gulf of Mexico. Working in the oil fields of Alaska for eighteen years, Todd dug lots and lots of holes. In 2007, to avoid a conflict of interest and to stay true to his families tradition of quitting, Todd quit his job when BP became involved in gas pipeline negotiations with his wife's administration. However, seven months later, when the family needed a lot of folding money to support Sarah's clothes habit, Todd returned to BP to dig more holes. He dug them very well indeed.

Public life

Voter registration

Todd Palin first registered to vote at the age of 35, in 1989. From 1995 through 2002 he was registered to vote as a member of the Alaskan Independence Party, which actually wanted Alaska to leave the United States. Todd Palin was literally in favor of Alaska forming an army of hole-diggers, moose hunters, and mama grizzlies, fighting a civil war against the rest of America, successfully fending off the world's strongest armed forces and the best money weapons can buy, win that civil war without blowing a hole in the fabric of civilized society, and float off on its own. The consensus around Wasilla was that Todd had obviously seen far too many cartoons for his own good.

In late August, 2008, The Politico reported that Palin was disguising his civil war leanings by registering as an independent. He never has registered as a Republican, which even Todd, in his "one card short of a full deck" mentality, understands is the party of the really stupidheads. In her memoir, Going Rogue: HowTo Murder Wolves, Sarah Palin's ghostwriter confirms this, writing "My husband ain't registered with any party, for sound reasons, believe you in me. I've done eyewitnesseding the idiotsinkrasies of those darn party machines. LoL."

Husband of the Half-Governor of Alaska

Todd Palin, a talented multi-tasker, discusses important Governmental business on his Batman phone while stealthily keeping an eye on Russia from his porch.

When Sarah Palin somehow took over the statehouse, Todd became the First Gentleman (a.k.a. "First Ladies Man", more commonly "First Dude" or "Player", or, commonest of all, "Fucktard") of Alaska for almost two and a half years, enough to count on one hand with half left over. Early on in that role (everything Sarah and Todd did was early on in that role, since they left in the middle of the job) he was best known for wearing his jammies in public. Alaska's journalists thought Todd was a harmless bumpkin of a fellow, called him "Jethro" behind his back (the Beverly Hillbillies kind of Jethro, not the Gibbs kind), and never tried to expose his incompetance because they assumed nobody was stupid enough to give him any real power.

But then, in early 2010, the state of Alaska released some e-mails that Palin had learned to exchange with state officials (although withholding others under a claim that executive privilege extended to Todd as the de-facto head of the Alaskan government!). The emails proved that what the prestigious Anchorage Daily News - whose motto, "We have our writin' hand on the pulse of the extreme northwest part of North America", was made up during a school play - had joked about every April's Fool Day was true: that Todd Palin "Obviously plays the key leadership role in Alaska". Todd had

finally been seen

in the governor's office with his socks off and his feet up.

The emails showed that Palin had discussed and decided a wide range of activities: board appointees, wildlife prevention, use of the state jet, oil and gas production, selling ice to eskimos, marine regulation, gas pipeline bids, wolf killings, native issues, the effort to save the his wife's job and behind, budget planning, moose blasting, pardons and vetoes, oil shale leasing, strategy to cover-up stuff, methods to torture elk, staffing and cake selection at the mansion, civil war planning, cuts to the governor's staff, "confidentiality issues," Bureau of Land Management land transfers, educational funding, and crazy-ass requests to the U.S. Department of the Interior.

In short, half-wit ran the place.

Role as "Joe The Plumber"

Thinking he was Joe the Plumber, Sarah came on to Todd at a GOP Halloween party. Thinking Sarah was a wolf, Todd went for his shotgun, but got distracted by a shiny red doorknob.

During his wife's 2008 vice-presidential campaign Todd, somehow discerning that she was going to lose to an exotic black man and an old Senator, took matters into his own hands, shaved his head, and became "Joe the Plumber". Situating himself in the path of Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama, Todd blurted out "What about taxes?" (He thought he was asking about Texas, but his brain had rewired itself recently and hadn't totally booted-up). Obama gave a friendly, informative, and intelligent answer, the right-wing jumped all over it, and Todd Palin's sockpuppet Joe was suddenly famous.

Todd Palin overplayed his hand, however, and soon the Joe the Plumber sockpuppet became a laughingstock when the press discovered it wasn't a plumber, Joe wasn't its name, and that the last time "Joe" was known to exist was during a snowmobiling race in Alaska.

Champion snowmobile racer

Palin learned as a young man how to sit down in a snowmobile, turn it on, point it in the direction he wanted to go, and hang-on for dear life. Because of this, and in a frantic attempt to get away from his wife, he has competed in the world's longest snowmobile race - the Alaskan Iron Machine - every year since 1993. He gets in the thing, points it, hangs on, and comes in ahead of the other three contestants every once in awhile. When he does this he thinks it's the most fun he's had since he was twelve, when he took off his jammies and found that thing in there.

Palin's most memorable racing moment came in 2008 when he suddenly let his brain "do what it wants to do" just a few yards from completing the race. Todd broke his arm when he was thrown 70 feet after standing up on the snowmobile,

mooning the crowd

, and trying to hide the open liquor bottles before he crossed the finish line. Before going to hospital for a week of observation, psychological testing, and detox, Todd crawled over the finish line to finish in fourth place out of four, impressing the race's appointed queen - a cute eskimo lass of 15 - just enough to get blown for the first time in real life.

Personal life

Todd relaxes in his "Look-at-me-mommy-I'm-all-grown-up"-brand hot tub.

In 1978, Palin knocked-up and then eloped with his high school sweetheart, Sarah Heath. The Palins have five known children: Track (b. 1978, who is not really Todd's son); Bristol (b. 1984, probably Todd's daughter); Willow (b. 1994); Piper (b. 2001, nope. Not Sarah's either. Piper's got too much potential hippie in her to be the daughter of either of these two characters), and Trig (b. 2008), who, like Todd, has Down syndrome. He has one grandchild, Tripp Johnston, born in 2008 to Bristol and present Alaskan governor, Levi Johnston.

Todd Palin fishes, kills wolves, and slaughters bear cubs, all with a baseball bat he has nicknamed, all by himself, "Slugger". He is convinced that the animals will someday get back at him, and once shot a day-glo stick thinking it was a new kind of snake. Todd usually holds a Private Pilots Certificate (he just holds it, like a security blanket), and owns his own plane, a 1/30-scale Piper Super Cub which he put together with glue and bee honey when he was 10.

In 2002 Todd Palin's stepmother, Faye Waddleton Palin, ran for Mayor of Wasilla to succeed Sarah Palin, who was term-limited but would have quit soon anyway. Sarah Palin's mother-in-law, Faye, lost to Dianne Keller, a candidate endorsed by Sarah Palin.


Todd Palin, like his wife Sarah and most other borderliners, believe that their every action is directed by God and that they, like puppets, bounce around on strings. Todd worries that he is a witch, and isn't sure if he is or not, having seen a cartoon once in which a bunny was a witch without knowing it.

He goes to the church building on Sunday to look at the other people, sing like a meadowlark, and practice his conversational skills. He once even saw a celebrity, Levi Johnston, there. When in church Todd Palin worries that he might not be doing things right, and that people stare at him, especially when he forgets where he is and begins to dance or moon somebody. He does his best to mimic the big people when they read from that book with all its sentences numbered, and when sunlight suddenly breaks through a cloud and shines through the church's window he is reminded that he might be a witch.

When Sarah Palin gets down on her knees to pray, Todd sometimes secretly watches and has many kinds of bad-boy thoughts.

The Interview Incident

When CBS reporter Katie Couric approached Todd Palin in 2009 and asked the simple question "Todd, what's your opinion of Alaska's logging industry, and do you realize that man is the only animal that destroys forests?", Palin lost it. He seemed to not comprehend the question, began turning around in circles like Thelonious Monk on a very bad day, and fell into a base-level primate personality stucture complete with giggling and spitting and foaming at the mouth. YouTube vids of Palin's retard dance and Couric slowly backing away have received almost a hundred million hits, many by Palin himself.

Todd gets himself into a big boy controversy

In his most public event, in 2008 Todd Palin started to appear in news reports (shown nervously holding onto his pilots license with one hand and holding his pants up with the other) about the controversial firing of Public Safety Commissioner Walt "Big Wally" Monegan and the bullying of Alaska State Trooper Mike "Tundra Mike" Wooten. At one point Todd Palin actually brought forward new information, in print-block lettering and with pictures colored within-the-lines all by himself, which proved that Wooten was a poopey-head.

In September, 2008, the Alaska Legislature subpoenaed Palin to testify on his role in the events, and when Todd found out about the subpoena he hid under the covers for two whole days. A spokesman for the McCain/Palin (a.k.a. Old Guy/Hot Hillbilly) presidential campaign announced that Todd wouldn't testify - "No, no, no, no! Eh eh, ain't gonna happen, not in a million years" - and coaxed him out from under the covers with some chewing tobacco. Aside from what would have come out of his mouth, his handlers were worried that Todd would handle himself poorly in public and, if he got tired, might dribble on his nighty.

Denied Todd's expert testimony, the legislature's investigator ruled that Governor Sarah Palin had violated the state's Ethics Law by wrongfully permitting Todd Palin, a borderline-retard, to use the governor's office to try to find some way to get that pooper, Trooper Wooten, fired.

And for killing the last surviving wolf pack in Alaska just for the hell of it.

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Wikipedia has a page on Todd Palin which tries to make him look a lot smarter than he is, but can't maintain the illusion and descends into chaos.

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