Mental masturbation

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For other fun things to do with your brain, see Masturbation (disambiguation).

Mental masturbation is a method of intellectual self-stimulation that creates a pleasing sensation. Yet, this activity has deep philosophical and social histories and has been the subject of controversy.

It was first devised by college students in the early 1960’s.


Spock engaging in mental sex, which in some countries is considered masturbation.

Mental masturbation is a simple process that is usually done in isolation.

First, one must remove his or her scalp, exposing the brain.

Then, one lubricates the brain. Vaseline is a popular lubricant, but acceptable substitutes include lotion, olive oil, kerosene, and liquid oxygen. The brain is lubricated to avoid chaffing when the brain is stroked.

However, before stroking the brain, it is important to have a piece of tissue or a facecloth covering the cerebellum to absorb the ejaculate that results from an intellectual orgasm.

Then, one strokes the brain and feels an increasingly pleasurable sensation until one intellectually orgasms.

After the intellectual orgasm, people usually blank out or take a nap. However, it is important to clean one’s self and re-attach the scalp before doing anything else.


Mental masturbation has been considered a shameful activity by mainstream society, and is therefore often not openly discussed. Nevertheless, people sometimes gather in groups for mental masturbation.

Group mental masturbation seems to be something that is done outside of the public sphere and there are varying reports as to how common it actually is. However, there are no real statistics on this because nobody really gives a shit.

Mental Masturbatory Aids[edit]

People often use items to intensify the sensation of mental masturbation. Such aids include fantasy or science fiction novels and Wikipedia. Hypno-erotic meditative recordings may also be used.

Watching hours upon hours of an exact specific subject matter of people spouting beliefs similar to, or the same as the watcher on YouTube in order to self-brainwash. Then, become a zealot for that subject matter in order to feel good about oneself.