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I was ahead of the game

~ Oscar Wilde on Beatniks

“Star Date...143254...7...stars...and blacklessness....surrounding...our vessel...those lips...those hips...that scaly scaly skin...when...o when...will”

~ William Shatner on being first beatnik in space

Don't be distracted by the funnies. These cats are straight up annoying, maaaan!

Beatnik is a strange offshoot of a boheimian, on one hand they are similar in the sense that they are layabouts. The difference is all to do with ego and much more on the part of the Beatnik.


A beatnik is a person who engages in one or more of the following activities: listen to Jazz, sip coffee, and smoke marijuana while expressing their drug-induced state by saying "I'm in orbit... man..". Most also have a fond interest in snapping their fingers, "talking jive about karma, maaann...", and wearing moustaches and berets. Beatniks have a lot in common with French people and 98.3% of the world's Beatnik population live in a large underwater bongo complex hidden deep in the Seine.

Snap your fingers... to the beat[edit]

Beatniks, a self proclaimed group of poets, started out around the '50s....or something. They smoked a lot of pot, wrote really deep sounding stuff, and wore a lot of black to muddy their waters and appear deep. Their mass notion notion to "Ride down 66, maaaan..." was started by Jack Kerouac, co-founder of TBSOAWCNCLAR - The Beatnik Society of Americans Who Could Not Care Less About Responsibility. Get a Beatnik and a Hippie in the same room, and Hell-chickens will spontaneously generate.

Important things about Beatniks[edit]

  • They subsisted entirely on coffee and other drugs.
  • They use finger-snapping as punctuation. (Example: "Hey [snap] man [snap] got any junk?")
  • They are usually more intelligent than the average schmuck.
  • They believed that writing should be totally incomprehensible as a truly human statement of inner incomprehensibility, unfettered by societal restraints. This should not be confoosed with absurdism, which was just absurd, maaaan.
  • They never could decide if they were "beat down" or "beatific," so they settled for "beat off".
  • The snap was not merely a quick snap. The hand was held waist high and upturned. So the palm of the hand was facing up. And a snap was produced from this position, denoting lack of concern. Preferable posturing of execution was from whatever position the Beatnik may be in at the time: seated with arm propped, reclining (stoned). The snap never occurred higher than a mere movement of the wrist would allow.
  • Oscar Wilde is suspected of being a Beatnik. However, any mention of this precipitates hot coffee in your lap and a cigarette burn to the face.
  • Beatniks are created by a viral infection that is reported to be spread by bites. There are only two ways to kill a Beatnik: the first being shooting one in the head (anything more powerful than a .22 will work); the second option is to exclaim to one that Kurt Vonnegut is a cum-guzzling faggot.
  • Jazz plays a major part in the life of a Beatnik. Dizzy Gillespie, Miles Davis, Kenny Burrell and many other post and pre-Bop giants are idolised by them.

Ways to know if you're around a Beatnik[edit]

  • The hair on the back of your neck raises, and all you want to do is beat the hell out of someone, maaaan.
  • You like black clothes, but don't like The Cure or My Chemical Romance.
  • Strong smell of coffee on the bus, maaaan.
  • Strong smell of coffee on the sidewalk, maaaan.
  • Strong smell of coffee in the park, maaaan.
  • They're wearing a black beret, maaaan.
  • They are talking to you in annoying... BEAT!... maaaan.

Special Cases[edit]

  • Beanniks - These are regular beatniks who, after consuming gratuitous amounts of coffee, develop bean like properties, such as, being excellent sources of protein, and causing flatulence to their consumers. Well, regular beatniks are also a good source of protein, but beanniks may be consumed by vegetarians.
  • Beeniks - Beatniks who have developed the ability to fly. They'll fricking sting you man. DON'T MESS WITH BEES.
  • Peteniks - Someone named Pete, who exhibits beatnik properties.
  • Robeatniks - Evil beatniks, primarily concerned with collecting chaos emeralds, and killing hedgehogs.
  • Beat-it-niks - These beatniks are just like others eccept they only where red leather zipper jackets and only listen to Michael Jackson, besides that they have the same tendancies as others, to rid yourself of Beat-it-niks ban anything michael jackson from your establishment.

Older version, before warning[edit]

Well, it´s not easy to talk about Beatniks, because they are everywhere. Actually, there could be one in your room right now. As a matter of fact, you could be one of them, for all I know.

If you are, please go on. Or not. You know, Beatniks like to pretend they don´t follow orders. But they do. Just for you are now reading this, it proves itself. For there are Beatniks everywhere and they follow orders.

Preceded by:
Embarrassing Teenage Fads
1948 - 1964
Succeeded by: