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Tools of the trade.

Cutters are people who injure themselves on purpose by making scratches or cuts on their wrists, arms, wrists, legs, wrists, or bellies. Some people self-injure by burning their skin with the end of a cigarette or lighted match. They enjoy second- and third-degree burns, and occasionally go as far as dousing themselves in napalm and lighting up while singing the Barney song outside a nursery. This looks so cool that it could become a future Christmas tradition.

Such self-injury is more common among girls. When boys try it, the correct diagnosis is effeminacy, for which the treatment is to scold all their classmates not to make fun of them.

With all the talk about it (see above), it is obvious that cutting is the latest fad. However, most doctors recommend that nobody do it, except emos, goths, and fans of Marilyn Manson; and even in those cases, only to fit in.


People don't always cut themselves for attention. In fact, cutting is what most experts consider to be an unhealthy coping mechanism, as masturbation is an unhealthy coping mechanism to pornography. This advanced medical terminology simply means that cutters have not developed healthier ways of dealing with personal problems, and could benefit from months of professional counseling at hundreds of bucks per hour. People may also cut themselves for reasons including the following:

  • Cutting is nearly always associated with compulsive behaviors, bipolar disorder, compulsive behaviors, eating disorders, compulsive behaviors, obsessive thinking, and compulsive behaviors. However, cutters never have problems with drug or alcohol abuse because they have insufficient remaining blood to carry the drugs to the brain.
  • Some cutters have had a traumatic experience, such as living through a break-up, having a partner cheat on them, or attending a convention of Furries.
  • Freedom from emotional pain. Since their emotional pain is so intense and they hate living in their suburban neighborhoods and never having to work, they want to at least relieve themselves of not experiencing the pain their gangster classmates feel.
  • Making cool drawings.
  • They wanted to test their new blade sharpener.
  • Normal sex just doesn't cut it and they need something even freakier than last time.

If the cutter's motive is the simple fact that he was born ugly, professionals warn that cutting may constitute a vicious circle.


Van Gogh became a cutter not just to attract attention but to keep his face within the sides of the canvas.

Most psychiatrists contend that there are many healthier ways than self-mutilation to cope with difficulties. They are wrong! However, they list: Talking to parents (the cutter should pretend they are not too busy to bother with you), other adults, or hobos on the street.

Cutters for whom self-mutilation is an escape from personal trauma may find that instead re-inflicting the trauma on those nearby is just as exhilarating. Consequently, instead of cutting, some people cut others. This avoids scars on the cutter, and grabs attention, especially if the cut person reacts. It is preferable to cutting in every way, except for the risk of retaliation.

Results of cutting[edit]

Although cutting is viewed as an escape from trauma, it is actually often an enjoyable family experience. In fact, many of the happiest historical figures have been cutters: civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr., ex-president Bill Clinton, former funk and soul musician James Brown, Godzilla's counterpart Mothra, and even little Diddy Kong.

Cutters don't usually intend to hurt themselves permanently when they cut, just long enough to garner some vital attention. And many cutters don't mean to keep cutting once they start. Emo Hitler eventually died after cutting off his entire penis and feeding it to his dog, who had been ignoring him.

This is a cutter of special importance when walking through the slash.

It's easy to misjudge the depth of a cut. Practice makes the difference between cutting so deep that the entire appendage falls off, and cutting so shallow that no one will notice at all. Cuts can become infected if a person uses dirty cutting instruments. And experts warn against cutters sharing blades. Like intravenous needles, these can become vectors for disease.

Other cutters[edit]

There is a mosquito repellent called Cutter.® However, unlike the original, it does not leave ghastly scars on the skin. Use of Cutter® does not call people's attention to the cutter — not even if he cuts Cutter® with red food dye — and in fact actively makes mosquitoes pay less attention to the victim. Whereas bug stings and bites can make everyone pity you and sometimes buy you ice cream.

There are also tattoos and piercings. Technically, these are not classified as either self-injury or self-mutilation even though they are equally disfiguring and leave the victim equally ugly. This is because the National Psychiatrists' Guild eagerly "liaises" with other Professional Organizations. In fact, contributions are still welcome, as there will always be a next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual.

See also[edit]