HowTo:Date an Emo Girl
Are emo girls dateable, you ask? Why, yes they are. I've dated them, so that is definitely true. However, emo girls are difficult to get, as it takes time and patience. They're harder to get than ordinary, nerd, or sports girls, but are easier to get than popular girls or cheerleaders. Emo girls are really hot due to their unique hair styles and cool clothing and their "don't fuck with me" attitude. Don't go on a date with them without reading this. It will help you, a lot, seriously.
Before we begin, you need to know the two types of emos, nice emos and mean emos.
The most common type of emo girl is the nice one. Nice emo girls are quite gentle and act like ordinary girls. Most emo girls tend to hang around in girl groups, and don't cut themselves or talk or think about suicide. They may, however, get a little emotional at times.
The rarer type of emo girl is the mean one. They are called this, surprisingly, because they have little to no respect towards other people. Mean emo girls are usually bitter and just want to be alone because they hate their life and everything in it. What you need to do is be nice even if she is insulting you or throwing death threats at you. You don't even have to tie her up, at least, not right away. They tend to cut themselves, so that’s something you should work on removing from their daily activities. You may notice that there are no images of a mean emo in this section, so just imagine an emo gone mad. Scary sight, isn't it? Don't ask how I know this, because I refuse to tell.
How to know if that girl is an Emo Girl
Many people tend to get emo girls mixed up with other stereotypes, like punks, goths, and posers. Before you approach an emo girl you’ve got to make sure she's not a goth or a punk. Goths and punks wear different clothing and do not suffer from the same sort of depression as emos do, nor do emos have Mohawks like punks or wear skirts like goths. To tell the difference between a emo girl and a poser, you must know these facts: Her mascara is bought in bulk, wrist cut lines run across the street and not down the river (applies only to mean emos), she does not own any Hannah Montana pajamas, bathrobes or comforter sets, and her angst is not primarily directed at the latest Gossip Girl episode but rather at softer targets like her parents and her upbringing. If she does not fit this description, she's a poser, plain and simple. You can still date a poser if you like, but we’re here to learn how to date emo girls. No excuses and no substitutions. Let’s move on.
Depending on the girl's social life, emo girls are either solitary or in a group of girls. They can be found at any school, except in all boys’ schools of course. They are far more common at concerts, especially in rock, metal and punk concerts. They have been known to even appear in churches, not to burn them down but to praise their hidden inner goodness. This breed is called Christian emo, and yes, they exist. I didn't believe it at first until I saw one reading a Bible and attending church. Anyway, Emo girls typically can be found in almost any country and any continent at any time on this earth, and they can even be found right in your own neighbourhood. Exceptions to this are: North Korea (for its lack of freedom), Muslim countries (for their lack of fashion style, excluding Lebanon), and Antarctica (for its lack of people).
When approaching an emo, you need to know some tips on how to do so correctly and safely.
Tip number 1: Analyze her; no, not her body, but you got to admit she has one fine body, but seriously, no. Look on the way she acts and at her facial expression. By carrying out this reconnaissance you can identify her by her attitude, and know how to make the right approach.
Tip number 2: You must understand that you are typically putting yourself at risk. Emo girls are, as any girl, equipped with dangerous weapons such as nails, pepper spray, and defence skills such as head butting and kicking. Unlike other girls, however, emo girls will not hesitate to use these weapons, and may be equipped with more dangerous weapons such as switchblades and handguns. Their nails will usually have nail paint on them, so any scratches received from an emo girl could get infected if not treated right away. That’s why it’s wise to check first; you wouldn’t cross the road without looking would you? Remember:
Nice Emo= Poses very little threat
Mean Emo= R.I.P.
I learnt these tips the hard way, and have the scars to prove it.
Tip number 3: Do not do any of that, "Hey baby, how about you and me get a milk shake, check my Pecs" or try any of your “groovy” pick up lines; in fact don't do that with any girl because you'll look like a total dork if you do. Usually, if she doesn’t get frightened off first, emos could have a discussion with you if she likes you, but may get freaked out if you're not talking about angst, misery or depression. This would seriously ruin your chances. In some cases they tend to be shy and will run and hide, so take a delicate approach.
Mean emo girls, however, take more advanced measures to bond with. Before I tell you what you need to do to make the right approach, I will show you a video of someone who tried the wrong approach.
Video starts; some guy approaches a mean emo
Some Guy: Hey girl, man you're looking fine toda... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! HELP ME!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Blood splatters everywhere, video ends
Yeah, you don’t want to watch the rest of that. Don't worry, he's fine. Not mentally though. You’re not afraid are you? Don't worry, that guy was a tool, don’t act like him, and you'll be just fine, and if not, I'll look after your mom. Anyway, here are the tips for interacting with a mean emo girl: Caution must be used at all times when approaching mean emos; don't do anything fancy or stupid because she'll think you’re a prick and will give you the bird. When approached, she may ignore you and tell you to leave her alone, but try to flatter her. Tell her angst is very attractive and suits her well, and agree with the things she thinks are stupid, unless she hates things that they contradict your beliefs, then move on to another subject. Tell her you like her and that she is a very cool person. If she says something like "you don't know my pain" tell her a very tragic story in your life. By doing these things she may become quite fond of you, but won't show it.
However, the number one tip on approaching a mean emo is this; get ready to run, at all times. Because the split second you screw up and piss her off, she will attack. You better eat a good meal, get plenty of sleep and exercise, and pray to God for protection and speed, because you'll need it. She won't chase you far, but you just need to get the fuck out of that area. She'll stop chasing you from exhaustion, because they are usually out of shape. She'll cool down afterwards, so wait a few days and then try again. She might hate you, but if approached correctly she will forget about the previous encounter. If you anger her again, you might want to find another emo because third chances aren't guaranteed.
Meeting Her Parents
As with any other girl, you have to meet her parents. The parents are usually like other parents you may have encountered; mother always wanting to take a picture of her daughter's first date and the father is over in his chair constantly cleaning his gun and glaring at you. You want to make a good impression with them, because if you screw up they will ask you to stay away from their daughter, which is obviously counterproductive to your ultimate goal.
However, this doesn't apply to us adults; we can do whatever we want, whenever we want. The constitution says so. Despite this immunity, you still have to pay her parents a little visit every decade or so. For teenagers, remember the girl's father's rules; "Be afraid. Be very afraid." He isn’t talking about his daughter, but about what he can do to you. I'm scared just thinking about it.
Going on a date
Forget about going to fancy places like the Melting Pot. When you are dating an emo girl, you don't have to worry about spending all of your money on expensive places. Instead, ask her where she wants to go, as the places emo girls like tend to cost less than when dating another girl. She loves hardcore music, so taking her to a punk concert would be a great idea, and punk concerts are cheaper than normal concerts. They also like to be around gloomy and sad places where people are mourning and full of pain and misery, so why not take her to a funeral, even if you don't know the person? And if anybody asks, just say you're here for a special occasion. Watching warehouse fires is another great date idea since emos love to watch things burn; it warms their souls (keep a blanket in the car to sit on in case you are lucky enough to come upon a warehouse fire).
Give them Gifts
Like all girls, emo girls like gifts. Emo girls always like jewelry, but you might want to stick to the blunt ones. Preferred jewelry includes earrings, rings for their nose, rings for their tongue, rings for their lip, rings for their eyebrows, rings for their eyelids, rings for their spleen, necklaces with skulls, and bracelets. They don't like ordinary jewelry, so get them jewelry from places such as Hot Topic. Tattoos are another great gift to give to her, as long as it has a dark theme to it or something you see tough guys in bars wear. You should, however, remain ten feet away if you are getting a mean emo girl a tattoo; it can get real bad. They also like stuffed animals like a Hello Kitty or a stuffed Domo, and, for some strange reason, like stuffed animals that like to eat people, like a man eating stuffed bear or a blood thirsty stuffed rabbit.
Emo clothing is also preferred, so if you want to get her clothes, get her a black shirt, jeans, a spike or metal belt, and any non-girly shoes, as this what the normal emo girl wears. If you want to save money, you can give her things like thrift store clothing, and poetry books with all the pages cut out. Just don't give her a Barbie doll. You don't want to know what they do to Barbies. Let's just say that they take their rage from getting this kind of gift from you out on the Barbie, and it ends up in boxes with its limbs in different boxes. Good thing she likes you just enough to not do that to you.
Preventing them from committing suicide
A good thing to remember about emo girls is that 20% percent of them are suicidal, and the missing 10% of them have even committed suicide. You do not want your emo girlfriend to take her life and leave you heartbroken, depressed, and you may even start wanting to kill yourself too. To prevent such a tragedy you need to teach her the value of life, so say things like, "You've got everything to live for". Singing her this song may also help big time with your girlfriend troubles;
You've got the music in you You've got the music in you One dance left This world is gonna pull through Don't give up You've got a reason to live Can't forget you only get what you give Four a.m. we ran a miracle mile We're flat broke But hey we do it in style The bad rich God's flying in for your trial But when the night is falling And you cannot find a friend You feel your tree is breaking Just then You've got the music in you Don't let go You've got the music in you One dance left This world is gonna pull through Don't give up You've got a reason to live.
Good song, good song. Encore! Encore! Anyway, just find ways to change her mind about suicide.
Well, I didn’t have sex until I was married (as I don't want to get an STD), so my info on this may be at variance with that given by others. I am not telling you how to have sex with your emo girlfriend because that’s what health class is for. But I can tell you the experiences you may encounter. Once she asks you to come in her house (or bedroom), try to realise if she is seducing you. Once it's clear to both of you that that's what she wants, it's time to rumble.
During this happy experience you'll be taken into a meadow full of gloomy dark blue flowers. Then you will float through a magical dark place with music and the sight of cute little bears with blood on their mouths. Ravens chirp various bird sounds as you view the lovely place full of dark wonders. Moving on you are then taken to a hard rock concert, where you get down and other related things; the faster the music plays the harder you rock out. Then everything slows down to complete silence, and you find yourself in a small room where you rest peacefully.
When you wake up the next day, you will realize what happened between you and your emo partner. You enjoyed it so much that you'll want to do it all over again, but restrain yourself, you don't want to overdo it. Just wait for few days before starting the process all over again. Oh, you or your partner did remember to use protection, didn’t you? If not, and if you're not married, you're in big trouble. Teenagers: remember the number one rule of the girl's father. Yeah, that one. You may want to think about countries you would like to move to.
When you and your emo girlfriend have dated for some time, and you both are madly in love with each other, you might want to start thinking about marriage. Now listen, this is extremely important, you are about to make a big commitment in your life and you need to make sure that you are going to do this right. The first thing you need to do is to find a ring. Not any ordinary ring, but one with either a skull on top and/or a dark stone. Second, take her to a party; even if she objects, do it anyway. Once there, wait until midnight. Take her to the darkest place you can find outside (without getting the pair of you murdered). Once there, kneel down on the ground, reveal the ring, and ask here, "Would you like to be my emo wife?" Once she said yes, here comes the hard part: planning the wedding.
Like any wedding, you may want to find a church with a pastor and invite friends and family and have a cake and something to flush it down with, along with an old lady playing a piano. But not so fast, it has to meet her standards. The Cake should look gloomy, the punch must be coloured blood red, the setting must be dark, the guests must be wearing funeral clothing, and her wedding dress must be black, not white. You also do not want to be late on your wedding day (especially if she is a mean emo). After you both say your "I do's" you are now a happily/depressed married couple.
"Now what do you do?" you ask. Well, maybe you could have some children, go on a honeymoon, find a warehouse fire, anything. What if the marriage goes sour? Take all the blame on yourself; and don't leave or divorce her, because you're married to an emo girl and that is not overrated. Besides, my emo wife and I have a great life together. Just look how happy we are, and how many children we have. Even if she doesn't look happy, it’s because she depressed. Emos are always depressed, so don't worry that it's your fault. Just enjoy the amazing emo sex.
You have learned the ways to properly date an emo girl. Now go out there and show the world!
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos