“I'm no longer the most famous monster in a sweater who haunted the dreams of children through the 80's.”
Freddy Krueger is a children's entertainer beloved world wide. In the late 1960's he hosted Freddy Krueger's neighborhood, taking children off to the land of repressed memory and hallucination down the train tracks.
In the 1970's he created Elm Street and the tickle me Elm Street doll, the first children's toy to profusely bleed. During the early 90's he co starred in a series of educational computer games called Where in Hell is Carmen Sandiego?, teaching children millenniums of church doctrine, the geography of the planes of eternal torment, and touch typing.
In the late 80's after the success of Duck Hunt, Nintendo felt it was time to up the ante and make a game about teenage human sacrifice for their family entertainment system. Dracula had a bone or 270, to pick with Freddy, ever since he he crashed the annual monster mash in 1990 and accidentally ran over the count's Wolfman. This was after he called Frankensteins 2nd bride a reanimated rebound and accused her of having the kidneys, lungs, and spleen of a man.
After '93, Freddy fell on hard times, black balled from the entertainment industry by Dracula he worked a series of odd jobs trying to make ends meet. Krueger did commercials, coining KFC's catchphrase finger licking good, being paid in experimental surgical grafts of fried chicken skin, the transplant was effective until a horrific encounter with the Taco bell chihuaha. Freddy also tried out for a role in 2002's Barbershop, but the part ultimately went to Sweeney Todd after a randomly selected but disproportionate test audience of burn ward patients reacted overwhelmingly negatively to his use of burn wound patient face. Realizing his true calling was comedy, Freddy attempted to do stand up but was routinely heckled off stage by rival drag queen Fu Manchu. Realizing his act would be better with a straight man, Freddy and Jason started touring vaudeville scene in 2003, with their skit; whose buried under first? The reviews were mixed, unlike the races of couples in horror movies.
After being mistaken for The Crypt Keeper one too many times by boils and ghouls down at the YMCA, Krueger felt it was time to bulk up. So Freddy hit the weights and entered the Ultimate Fighting Championship; where Sub Zero proceeded to scoop out his eyeballs and serve them to him on an ice cream cone (the ice ninja having taken a women's self defense course). Freddy is also an unlock able character in NBA Street, he appears after 168 consecutive hours of game play; although he runs and jumps better than anyone else, Freddy unfortunately can't handle the ball without deflating it.
In 2010 after strip mining the 80's for every last safe established franchise, movie monk Michael Bay discovered Freddy's skeleton beneath the Shaolin monastery and started to reanimate him with CGI. The arcane ritual had to be done very precisely or it would instead create a prequel unmasking a mysterious mystical murder machine to reveal a whiny child; like in Rob Zombie's Halloween. The film friar's incantations were financially successful, and so St. Michael donated all the proceeds of his most recent vision of digitally decedent death and destruction to the families of the insects killed by Fear Factor.
- Bill Cosby
- Jason Voorhees
- Maniac Cop
- Fu Manchu
- Fred Flintstone
- Fred Rogers
- Fred Phelps