Rich people

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A future rich person

Rich people are the cornerstone of all modern social groups. Poor people are often jealous of rich people, there is absolutely no reason for this except for COMMUNIST SEDITION!!!

How to identify rich people[edit]

Wears a Hat (the larger the richer).
  1. Eats at fancy restaurants every day.
  2. Has more than one house.
  3. Travels in limousines.
  4. Has a hat (the larger the richer--well, that rule only applies if the hat is not a sombrero).
  5. Carries around a very small and grotesquely deformed dog in their purse.
  6. Has a giant turd in a glass display case on their mantle above their pristine fireplace.
  7. Smokes cigars.
  8. Owns several women made out of gold.
  9. Says "shoppes" instead of "shops," and you can tell even when they are talking.
  10. Only buys things with Italian or French names.
  11. Magniloquently and grandiloquently utters locutions concerning ostentatious, grandiose, non-vernacular vocables. (Un-Rich Translation: Uses big words.)
  12. Can afford life saving health care without government assistance.


It should be noted that rich people have a strong dislike of not just physical labour, but of doing any work at all. Since they do not work and are very wasteful of their money (buying things like gold-embroidered toilet paper) it is unknown how they remain rich. Recent research has shown that it might have something to do with the pact between the banks, the stock market, satan, Santa and the Easter Bunny. Other prominent theories include the 'fuck him he's just a fucking asshole theory', the 'he has more than me and is therefore evil theorem', and the 'he's not rich everybody else is just poor axiom'.

Scientists believe that with genetic engineering it may one day be possible to interbreed the rich and poor despite millennium of isolation having effectively lead the two species to diverge in their evolution, via inserting the wealth gene responsible for being born to rich parents and vice versa.

How to identify an un-rich person[edit]

  1. Frequently urinates in a toilet not made out of gold (or a hole in the ground.)
  2. Can afford to eat (horse shit) only once a day.
  3. They do not fuck their mothers... well, not too often anyways.
  4. Is despised by pigeons and their shit.
  5. Smell funny.
  6. Has less than $1,000,000.
  7. Does not own a Rolls-Royce.
  8. Eyes do not glow when the word "stocks" is mentioned.

How to ingest[edit]

A typical un-rich person preparing for the hunt

One way rich people benefit society is their high nutritional value. Un-rich people can eat them to get the nutrients that dog food just wont give you. The proper way to ingest the rich person is to kick them square in the crotch (if male), or headbutt their ovaries (if female). While in pain and bewildered you claw open their stomach and smash them open like a piggy bank. When they realize what is happening they will offer you money to have you stop. This is a common trick but if you accept this bribe you may turn into a rich person yourself and because you would be among un-rich people at the time you will quickly become their prey.

Since "eating people" is discouraged in so many countries today, it could possibly result in your being rejected by your friends (in case you have any) but since most un-rich people don't have any friends you will probably be okay with this. Rich people may also use their pet dogs, called "lawyers" by them and their friends, to battle you in court for eating their rich friends. These "lawyers" have a nose for finding your weak spot and will tear you to shreds. They do this in part with the aid of fellow dogs called "judges," small dogs that are always in the palm of their rich owners' hands.