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A rare three-wheeled dolphin.
Binomial name
Dolphinus smarteae
Primary armament Sonar blaster
Power supply Sonar hypnosis
Health 5000
Mana 1000
Strength 2000 kilowatts
Intelligence MI6, Einstein
Weight 110 Lb.
Length 2.8 meters (9 feet)
Special attack Squeak-Squeak-Chittery-Squeak
Conservation status
Pestilence or Dinner (Japan)

You've heard the expression "chicken of the sea"? Well, dolphins are the club steak of the sea.

Next time you vacation to the east coast...Savannah, in particular, look through your binoculars around 1:30 am and you'll see ghostly dolphin boats cruising through the tides with eerie glowing lights surrounding the boat's hull.

Oh sure, they call themselves "shrimpboats" but everyone around these here parts knows that they're really casting for dolphins. Why else would there be hundreds of dolphins jumping through the air in their wake? They're jumping for joy at the sight of nets full of shrimp (aka "dolphin bait"). And all those seafood "soups of the day" on Bay Street? Dolphin a la king!

Dolphins have long been known by the intergalactic federation of Vogons to be the second smartest creatures to inhabit earth, after mice. Humans fall in third place, much to our dislike. It is this reason that we were not able to know of the impending doom of the earth, and had to wait until some Arthur Dent guy made the Magratheans create Earth II.

Dolphins enjoy smothering themselves with mayonnaise and being eaten by humans, despite what many environmentalists believe.

Swimming with dolphins[edit]

Axl Rose demonstrates how to drown with dolphins

Quite probably the most under estimated experience anyone can endure. This ruined my holiday to the Bahamas (which was quite impressive as this place is tedium personified in land mass form). This was actually chosen as the number one thing to do before you die by the BBC. Shooting up Heroin probably beats this. Taking my cat-ferret-dog for a walk on Mt. Everest in a snowstorm barefoot was more spiritual than this experience. Seriously, imagine a large fish. Add some jumping and that's your lot (NOT REALLY). I just can't begin to fully describe how mind-numbingly dull swimming with dolphins is. It is very nearly as dull as Carlisle, or even Dent.

A favourite dolphin activity is not, as previously thought, swimming with humans -- it is instead swimming close enough to humans to steal their jewelry and sell it on SEABay. In 2010 Flipper "The Ripper" Manson, resident of a South Florida dolphinarium was found guilty of disemboweling four tourists and castrating two others with his unusually long corkscrew-shaped tongue. Sentenced to death in the electric chair, Flipper pleaded justifiable homicide in the face of extreme provocation and remains on Death Row awaiting the results of his appeal.

Cold Blooded Sexual Predator of the Seas[edit]

Wanna suck my face, Flipper? Hey! Reggo gny kongue! Reggo!

Dolphins are manically hypersexual and will rape divers if excited, as in the movie Cocoon. It makes you wonder what dolphin trainers do in their free time.

Dolphins, like hippies, have sex for pleasure. They have marathons. In fact they are the only other animals that have sex for pleasure except humans, dogs, cats, horses, monkeys, gophers, armadillos, whales, jellyfish, worms, tree frogs, marmoset, seals, mice, deer, hyena, antelope, digimon, leopards, fish, sea anemone, crocodile, naked mole rats, parrots, albatross, flamingo, hawks, wolves, butterfly, mosquitoes, zebra, sloths, turtles, bees, ants, lizards, snakes, werewolves, vampires, mummies, gnomes, and platypus. Good luck explaining when the life-guard finds all of you naked in a tide pool.

The force of a male dolphin's ejaculation is equal to that of the Saturn V rocket.

Intelligence etc[edit]

"Because as we both know, Mr. Anderson, without porpoise, we cannot exist.

Dolphin intelligence has been massively underestimated by scientists. They Are Actually the world's second smartest beings, the first of course being mice.

Dolphins are famous for their victorious resistance of the complicating powers of Law, just like rich people. Additionally, they are the only animal capable of ascension into Heaven when they die; they just choose not to.

They're always so happy to learn stuff like jumping through flaming hoops backwards. It's because they teleport out of their pens at night and launch plasma-based airstrikes against secret military bases. Remember Hurricane Katrina? They used their reality bending mind-powers to call upon that fat guy who flies around on a cloud and controls the weather. They have powers like that because they are control freaks.

The Great Uprising '97[edit]

How not to swim with dolphins

A dolphin uprising occurred in 1997, after hundreds of dolphins developed powerful psychic abilities, through a pact with Oscar Wilde, including the ability to shoot "frickn laser beams" from their eyes. The dolphins attacked settlements on the Pacific islands including Fiji and New Zealand, although this was not heard of by many because, let's face it, nobody gives a shit about New Zealand, and Rugby players would blow up because of the happiness, so the government hides the information. The dolphin army began growing in number, threatening larger, more important places until Robochrist, the second reincarnation of Jesus as a cyborg, stepped in and silenced them with his Blessed Smite Arm Cannon.

Because of this uprising, John West changed their practices and began tinning tuna with dolphin meat so that now the dolphin population is controlled so uprisings can never happen again.

Many TV programs show animals, such as dolphins, being tagged. This is not so they can count them, it's actually a method of killing the dolphins, which biologists seemingly hate. As soon as the dolphin is released back into the water, the tag short circuits electrocuting and killing the dolphin.

The disappearance of dolphins[edit]

Dolphins disappeared from the earth after humans accidentally misinterpreted their last warning of the impending destruction of earth as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double backward somersault through a hoop while whistling the star-spangled banner. The message was of course 'So long, and thanks for all the fish' (cue music).

General Opinion[edit]

The Malaysian Tiger Dolphin is the most feared Dolphin. Discovered in 1985 by marine biologist Carl Sagan, the "Terror Dolphin", as it is commonly known, usually travels in packs of 40 or more.
Vladimir Putin secured Russia's dolphin vote after he scared all the sharks away.

“Dolphins are wondrous creatures. A special bond exists between humans and dolphins, a unique relationship that extends beyond conventional methods of communication and transcends human tendencies to seek out members of the same species.”

~ America on Dolphins

And in Conclusion[edit]

Dolphin Jumping.jpg