Carl Sagan

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“Billions and billions.”

~ Carl Sagan on the number of women he could have totally banged.

Carl Sagan is also known as the "Awesome Astronomer".

Carl Sagan (November 9, 1934 – December 20, 1996) was an American astronomer, astrochemist, astrobiologist, astronaut, pothead, and astro-enthusiast in general. Famed as one of the originators of the Artificial Pseudoscientology movement, he is considered by many as the "Thinking Man's Scientist".

He was (and still is, after death) the best person of all time.

Ex terra lucem[edit]

New science had their own scientists who figured that Sagan was stupid enough to join their ranks, and awarded him honorary deluxe junior woodchuck astronomy scientist for life. He received a pay raise, and started his own TV show on PBS called Cosmos after writing a book of the same name and having his speech problems fixed. The show was long and boring, but it won Sagan a Nobel Peace Prize and a Nobel War Prize. He subsequently starred in a seven-part television series of his earlier book Bonjour Tristesse, in which he played himself both before and after the temporal fissure that caused a split of his being into two distinct identities: the original, and one that traversed the multiverse solving mysteries in a hippie bus, although this has yet to be proven or made into a hit movie.

File photo: Sagan wih the Viking Lander probe, at his summer home on Mars.

After he became famous, Apple Computer wanted to name their next Macintosh in his honour, but he objected to it, and then Apple nicknamed him "Butthead Astronomer". This upset Sagan, and he decided to go on a rampage and invent the word pseudoscience to discredit anyone he did not like. The New science scientists liked this phrase, and use it to attack and bash anyone who was not stupid like they were.

Towards the end of his life, Sagan developed Universe with Stephen Hawking, a musical containing the entirety of the cosmos within its two hour and forty four minute runtime. Due to an excessively large budget, mainly because of an excessive cast, the musical was not very successful, and Sagan had to fall back on the fame he earned through making the "turtleneck with smoking jacket" look popular among scientists.

Many people dislike Carl Sagan. This is because he has been able to out-reason even the most reasonable of philosophers simply by pointing out the fact that they were making the stuff up off of the top of their heads. Few shared the same tenacity that Sagan displayed.

After his death, Carl's mind was transferred into a computer simulation of reality, where he was tasked with investigating and terminating people who became aware of its existence.

See also[edit]