Single mothers
Single mothers are women with fewer than one spouse and more than zero children. Single mothers are a staple of television soap operas and low-quality talk shows. They, their DNA test results, and their personal histories are disrespected throughout the world due to their many unsavory qualities.
Among their few savory ones is an uncanny ability to earn larger tips during their jobs waiting tables at roadside diners, street corners, and the local strip club. Some patrons reason that, since something good has come of them, something bad may as well. Others believe that a reasonable percentage of an unreasonable gratuity will be spent for the well-being of the children, who have done nothing wrong. Others may be experiencing an uneasy feeling of déjà vu about a wife-swapping party they attended a couple of years ago. Should the tip be unreasonable in the other direction, the single mother will remember that day for the rest of your life, as the foundation of the institution is the permanent grudge.
Single mothers have a class solidarity that greatly contributes to their average low income, and resulting inability to afford adequate birth control. This makes the institution of single motherhood self-perpetuating.
Parenting styles[edit]
Parenting experts agree that, despite the importance of motherhood in the proper upbringing of a child, there must be a father figure to bring them back down a bit. While the mother is full of aspiration that their little pixie will be the next Hillary Clinton, the father sets the bar so low (by being unconscious in front of the sports channel most of the time) that a life of cleaning other people's houses seems dynamic and aspirational.
There is also the matter of Star Wars. Single mothers don't know a thing about Star Wars, firstly because it does not star Brad Pitt and secondly, Jabba the Hutt reminds them of the ex. Boys of single mothers instead bury themselves in Battlefield Online, paving the way for an automatic rifle related "little moment" in the playground within a few years.
When this balance is not maintained, single motherhood comes into the picture, now the father is completely out of it. Many single mothers insist "they are doing the best they can," but one parent compares favorably only to zero parents and the resulting Montessori Life. Absence of the disciplinarian male prompts the single mother to either become a communist dictator or benevolent hippie.
Absence of the disciplinarian male also means no wife-beating at all. The single mother makes up for this absence through simulation. She will often lock herself in the bedroom and pretend to be beaten by the absent father. Telling the children that their father snuck in through the window, took her dope, bloodied her up, and then left through the window again, teaches them contemporary chivalry and good marital relations, or at least martial relations. It was single mothers who invented emo culture; no one believes it came from young Japanese schoolgirls, any more than people believe Anime was created by Johnny Cash.
Absence of the male also makes for lonely nights. The single mother copes with this by unwisely letting children sleep in her bedroom, far beyond the age when they really should even be excluded from Mom's health care insurance. A problem with this is that the children see a laboratory session in the use of crack cocaine. Wiser single mothers order the children to "Go to your room!" even though this usually means taking a sleeping bag out onto the fire escape — a rare chance to finally get the kids to "launch."
Single mothers give their offspring hopeful names, like Eternity. Hopeful and ironic, although that single mother is appealing her 2016 sentence of 45 years to life for infanticide, claiming that her ex-boyfriend is the guilty party.
Means of support[edit]
“A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”
Single mothers consider their situation as one the human race's greatest achievements, especially when two-parent households are streaming into the Divorce Courts, in seeming imitation, over disputed ownership of a Def Leppard album. The single mother views herself as a "strong and independent female who does not require a man (or anything by Def Leppard)." Many single mothers achieve this status using their offspring for child labor, under the pretense of supporting the family through tough times. Most mothers downplay the child labor laws, as statistics show that very few children actually die through employment in lumber mills (although they may lose a limb or two in the first few months). By the numbers, the mills are safer than day care because in industry, psychological analysis and random drug testing is compulsory for those responsible for any kind of supervision.
The mothers themselves seldom perform the labor necessary to make ends meet, as most feel they do enough as it is, microwaving all those ready meals and keeping the house clean — meaning free of hypodermic needles, piles of empty beer cans, dog mess and used condoms.
When single mothers are employed, it is often wearing an apron and referring to their clientele as "Hun." Huns were a violent group of nomadic people who lived in Eastern Europe from the 1st century through the 7th century.
Single mothers also receive large payments of alimony and child support from their many previous spouses. These funds enable the single mother's raging substance abuses. They also fund an outsided electric bill, as the single mother needs continual play of I Love Lucy re-runs and several fans, to block the sound of gang violence down in the street. Any funds remaining between one check and the next, can be applied to a follow-on breast reconstruction, as the single mother always tries to stay one step ahead of gravity.
Social life[edit]
It would seem that single motherhood is hard work, but the lifestyle leaves the single mother free to date frequently, mostly with younger men, who are mostly named Chad. They often end up marrying the single mother's daughter, as the relationship with the single mother sours when she cheats on the new boyfriend with the ex-boyfriend.
The single mother always claims to be on birth control. However, see above under "alimony and child support."
Aspirations[edit]
Most single mothers say they aspire toward a respectable professional career. (However, see above under "alimony and child support.")
Career paths available after being a single mother include: nuclear physicist, airline pilot, and Pulitzer-winning playwright.
Exasperations[edit]
Everything that cannot be blamed on you, if you left a bad tip once, is blamed on the single mother's ex-husband (or alternatively, her "baby daddy"). She tells the kids that he is the worst person in the known universe, and blames him for their desperate life. Her eventual suicide note or child murder confession will be your "fifteen minutes of fame."
Famous single mothers[edit]
In antiquity[edit]
History is replete with single mothers. Emperor Nero's mother Agrippina expected to share running the Roman Empire with him when her husband Claudius died, no matter that it was by her hand. However, Nero rejected his mother and then tried to kill her by abandoning her in a leaky boat in the Mediterranean. She swam to shore, but Nero had a fallback plan consisting of a hairy centurion with a sharp blade.
Agrippina's last words were, "Bugger me, I gave birth to a monster!" This quotation simultaneously set in motion the modern study of single motherhood and the Darwinistic line about the acorn never falling far from the oak.
Single motherhood was promoted during the French Revolution by Georges Danton, not so much by divorcing spouses, but merely by divorcing the parts of them below the neck, using the newly invented guillotine.
Niccolò Machiavelli also lived under single motherhood. Unlike Nero, he did not wait for his single mother to act, but took matters into his own hands, practicing "instrumentality" in achieving political goals — in this case, burying the instrument approximately between the shoulder blades of father Bernardo to get to watch television an hour longer.
In the United States[edit]
“If my mother had had an abortion, I would not be here today, would I?”
In fact, Barbara Bush was not a single mother. However, the Secret Service would never clear her access to the White House, citing that omnipresent meat cleaver. For some reason, Dubya never got his clearance either, which is lucky, as Poppa had an annoying tendency to look down at his wristwatch and wonder when the awkward session would be over. So the above question is hardly just rhetorical.
There is no telling how many of the next generation's geniuses are spared from the abortionist's coat hanger by the institution of single motherhood, despite going on to be stunted by the same institution. Single mothers rear an astounding number of the nation's unwanted (including by them) children. They would otherwise have to be adopted by childless parents in the Third World, who are reluctant to do so, despite the obvious entree to argue for permanent residency somewhere with flush toilets.
Dubya's successor in the Oval Office was also a proud product of single mothering. Barack Obama's mother over-compensated for under-manning by taking the mannish name of Stanley Ann Dunham. He was reared by an extended family of Kenyans and Indonesians and adopted the nom de guerre of Abu Bama Care. He was the perfect President for a nation of broken homes, including Americans whose homes were not broken until they left them to swim across the border — a resentful nation whose Founding Fathers never returned to visit.
Quick check[edit]
The best way to check if your waitress is a single mother is to listen for a screaming child in the back of the restaurant, as single mothers often cannot afford babysitting and must hide their many children around their workplace. Children are most often stowed in the oven or dishwasher (which they checked was off first, like any good mother) to avoid the cook seeing them, as he insists on using these devices for their "on-label" purposes.
