Toddlers
Toddlers are a race of communist child-like humanoids who are notorious for being inferior in every aspect to the average human. Toddlers are the result of not wearing condoms and can be fatal to parents. Adult toddlers, for example, are barely a fourth of the size of an adult human, are unable to speak well, and consistently test lower on IQ test than humans. This is one of the many reasons for the repression of the toddlers by humans and for booster seats.
Natural Habitat[edit]
Though toddlers are found worldwide, there are certain locations that they favor. Any toddler who breaks free from human control is very likely to find its way somewhere dangerous. Here's a list of the most common toddler destinations, in ascending order of peril:
- A toy store
- An ice cream shop
- Puddles of their own poop, pee, and/or vomit
- Highway traffic during rush hour
- Underwater
- Australia — especially if they are Australian
Humans have many systems for recovering toddlers that have run away, including the Child Recovery Helpline and GPS devices.
Toddler Revolutions[edit]
Toddlers have many times tried to end their persecution by the humans. Most revolutions, however, failed due to inferior planning, inferior strength, inferior motivation, inferior supplies, inferior numbers, and to diaper rash. To this day, it is not known if they've given up or not. Who knows? Maybe one day, they'll succeed...
The Children's Crusade[edit]
The Children's Crusade was a valiant effort by the toddlers to find the Holy Land. 10,000 toddlers escaped from their human captors and made a brave dash for Jerusalem. However, raiders led by Darth Vader captured them and sold them into slavery. Many historians believe that Vader mistook them for children, and that he would not have enslaved them if he knew they were toddlers. This explanation accounts for the misnomer in the name Children's Crusade. It has been suggested that it be renamed to the "Toddlers' Trip," but everyone is too lazy to change the name.
Child Labor Laws[edit]
When Child Labor Laws were passed, they contained a flaw that prohibited any toddlers from getting a job. Though the labor laws were a major blow to coal mines and factories, which used child labor for the good of mankind, the laws actually helped in this instance. Previously, toddlers had disguised themselves as illegal immigrants in order to obtain jobs. The inferior jobs performed by the toddlers devastated the economy, and was one reason for the decline of coal mines. With the Child Labor Laws, however, any toddler caught working was put to death. This decreased competition for the real illegal immigrants, who were paid less as a result. Everyone wins!
Famous Toddlers in History[edit]
Toddlers have appeared numerous times as famous historical figures. Anyone famous for doing a terrible job at things is usually considered to be a toddler or to be related to one. Here are some examples:
- George W. Bush
- Gandhi
- Steve Irwin (it is generally believed that only a toddler can be killed by a stingray)
- Probably you
- Many others.
