Turkmenistan
Türkmenistan Dovlet Seyidov Jumhuriyäti Glorious Neutral Republic of Turkmenistan Turkmenistan Dovlet Seyidov | |||||
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| Motto: How happy to be a Turkman, and bathe in the golden light of Turkmenbashi! | |||||
| Anthem: "Independent, Neutral, Turkmen State, When The Train Arrives, It Is Never Late but you must never hesitate when Russians come and ask for carpets and cheap 7-up" Popular state anthem, written and composed by Turkmenistan's Glorious Leader, Saparmurat Niyazov | |||||
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| Capital | Aşgabat | ||||
| Largest city | Aşgabat | ||||
| Official language(s) | Turkmen | ||||
| Government | Glorious Republic | ||||
| Regent to the Eternal Turkmenbashi (de facto) | His Humbleness Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow | ||||
| National hero(es) | Saparmurat Niyazov | ||||
| Declaration of Independence |
October 27, 1991 | ||||
| Currency | Glorious coinage of Saparmurat Niyazov | ||||
| Religion | Glorious worship of His Greatness, Saparmurat Niyazov | ||||
| Population | * 1 Saparmurat Niyazov * 4,833,000 delighted subjects * Countless poultry | ||||
Glorious Turkmenistan is one of the poultry republics that broke away from the USSR and, despite what partial nations claim, it has a long and glorious history; as long and glorious as that of Germany or the Ottoman Empire. Unhindered by his physical death on December 22, 2006, Turkmenistan continues to be ruled by Glorious President-for-life-and-afterlife Saparmurat Niyazov known locally as the Turkmenbashi or Great Leader of the Turkmen. It is Niyazov who made Turkmenistan the best nation the world has ever known during the happy years of his mortal presence as Glorious President(1991 - 2006).[1].
This Golden Country is located in Central Asia and scenically borders the Caspian Sea. Turkmenistan (like various other countries in the neighbourhood including Turkey) is populated mainly by hybrids of Turkic humans and poultry, called Turkmen. The name Turkmenistan derives from Persian, meaning "land of the turkey-men". The name of its capital, Ashgabat, means "the City of Arsaces" in Persian. It also loosely translates as "the city of love" or "the city that turkey-men built", derived in folk etymology from the Arabic ishq for "love" with the Persian suffix abad for "inhabited" or "built", etymologically related to the English word "abode".
Turkmenistan is not part of an alliance or so-called "bloc" either economic or military. The country is extremely proud of its neutrality and, when you come and visit, you will discover that the philosophy of permanent Turkmen neutrality is a favourite subject in the many "buzzing" coffee shops!
Geography[edit]
Geography is one of many subjects that are rightly restricted in Turkmenistan public schools. The Turkmenistanian authorities correctly argue that learning of such things as geography, mathematics and reading will pollute the minds of the Turkids (what children are affectionately called in Turkmenistan).
In a magnificent oratory directed at the country's youth, the current Director of Public Education, Slad Bravislawistanimanistanian, even went so far as to say, "geography shmeography!" This declaration was met with a deafening round of applause from the congregated masses of Turkmen and Turkids. This strongly-reaffirmed the government's current position the subject of geography and it is not for so-called "liberals" to interfere.
The punishment for even saying the word geography in public has been wrongly called "severe" by amoral foreigners but is actually very reasonable. The punishment, despite what has been claimed, involves the citizen being taken to a special camp where he or she is taught the Turkmenbashi's philosophy of teaching, the failure to understand which is the only reason they could possibly disagree. The punishment does not involve vasoline, baking soda, paprika, lemons and/or paper clips.
Outside of Turkmenistan, amongst so-called experts whose Neutrality cannot be guaranteed, it is said that Turkmentistan consists largely of desert with patches of arable land around rivers and the Caspian Sea coast. Turkmen officials and geologists are still debating the true wealth of Turkmenistan's bountious landscape but the Turkmenistan Minister of Agriculture has been quoted as saying "Turkmenistan has glorious natural quantities of sand."
Culture[edit]
All Turkmen are required to sing, dance, and scream about the greatness of President-for-Life Saparmurat Niyazov. Isn't that a great system? Although it is unclear as of the time of this writing what they will sing, dance and scream about following the demise of President-for-Life Saparmurat Niyazov. The local scholars believe that the populace will then sing, dance and scream about the demise of the President-for-life, Saparmurat Niyazov, but that is mere speculation.
Government[edit]
Turkmenistan is a democratic and free nation as well as being Neutral. The President of Turkmenistan is the Turkmenbashi who resides in the Presidential Palace and never moves from his chair due to his devotional duty to his country and countrymen. In 2006, Turkmenbashi's spirit left its body which, as a result, may appear dead; but this is not the case although unfriendly and non-Neutral countries in the region and elsewhere keep repeating this lie. The Turkmenbashi cannot die and, even in heaven (where he now resides) he remains President of Turkmenistan and his earthly remains have the same status. Because he is devoted to heavenly concerns, the Turkmenbashi de facto delegates many tasks to a man called Gurbanguly Berdimuhammedow who is a loyal servant of the Turkmenbashi and not a president as lying and partial nations will claim.
The legislative bodies of Turkmenistan are the People's Council and Assembly, both of which are elected with joy by the many happy people of Turkmenistan. On a general election day there is always a 100% turnout and the Turkmen people vote 100% for the Democratic Party of Turkmenistan. The name of the party is proof that the party is democratic and many nations, envious of the joyful unity of Turkmenistan, claim the elections are not free and fair. This is not true and a United Nations man in Turkmenistan watches the elections. I have spoken to him and he has said "these elections are free and fair." You can't argue with him. Many non-Neutral nations say this man does not exists and that his words are made up but this is a lie. They also claim they cannot find him but this is because he doesn't want to talk to them, so sickened is he of their lies! He is from Czechoslovakia and is called Robert Czechoslovak. How could he not be real if I can tell you his name?
It has often been argued by Aneutral cynics and popinjays that the Democratic Party of Turkmenistan is a "continuation" of the Communist Party of Turkmenistan which poisoned the land with the hated Russian-imposed Marxist ideology. But, if these fools bothered to learn more about our country, they would know that Turkmenbashi has banned the Communist Party and how could he have banned his own party? Do they have an answer? No, look at them running back to their ivory towers to watch the "BBC" and read their "books"!
The legislative bodies make the laws of Turkmenistan and all these laws have pleased the Turkmenbashi. This is not like America where non-Neutrality and moral squalor mean that President Obama (a basketball playing idiot) passes laws that many Americans disagree with. I think that shows which is the better country!
Military[edit]
Prepare to quake! The Democratic Republic of Turkemistan is capable of deploying one million heavily-armed soldiers into the defence of its Neutrality (or to defend the Neutrality of another nation from non-Neutral aggression). In addition, she can field many thousands of tanks and attack helicopters and her airforce can blot out the sun. These are all real and are not toys in Turkmenbashi's backdoor sandpit as liars have claimed!
Prostitutes[edit]
Turkmenistan's prostitutes are the cleanest and cheapest in the region; and that's guaranteed by the government. Each Turkmen prostitute has an official seal of approval which can be found on their ass.
Demographics[edit]
Saparmurat Niyazovs[edit]
- Main Article: Saparmurat Niyazov
There is only one Saparmurat Niyazov in Turkmenistan. He made our realm even more glorious! Even so, it is gloriously great and wonderful that Saparmurat Niyazov is our Eternal President: for life and Afterlife. He is the wisest, most transcendent being the world has ever known, and his sage, peaceful policies made Turkmenistan the greatest country on earth. Under the wise guidance of his great hand, Turkmenistan has gone from being a minor province in an Evil Empire to a widely-respected free nation and the most peaceful country in the world.
Because the Turkmenbashi no longer resides in his physical body he has delegated most duties to Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow, a humble man who continues to carry out his great work and is incorrectly identified as the "president" of Turkmenistan by partial foreign media despite this being an office he could not possibly hold! However, he humours them by mockingly taking such a title when visiting foreign dignitaries and in correspondence. In the physical absence of the Eternal President he also acts as Regent and carries out the Turkmenbashi's responsibilities as Head of Government, including directing the Democratic Party.
It has also been suggested that Berdimuhamedow has removed many of the statues of the Glorious Turkmenbashi from atop national monuments and re-located them to "small parks" or even "gold refineries". However, these are merely scandalous rumours started by foreign spies and all the statues of the Eternal President remain. And no, you can't visit the sites to see for yourself! To permit this would be to acknowledge that there is truth in the lies!
Turkmen[edit]
The Turkmen are an ancient people with a long tradition of wisdom and good humour. They have recovered from Russian domination and grabbed hold of their own destiny with both hands, pumping it vigorously until all their talent bursts to the surface!
Turkmen people love song and dance, mainly songs and dances about the Turkmenbashi and his perpetual reign over his happy people. They also enjoy drinking coffee, eating delicious Turkmenistani chicken (the finest in the world, finger-sucking good indeed!) and playing popular games such as "spot the Turkmenbashi" and "kick the non-Neutral interloper".
Any visitor to Turkmenistan is guaranteed a warm welcome but asked to leave his camera, and any indoctrinated opinions, at the airport.
Even Marion Barry once said on visiting Turkmenistan, "hey, this place is great! They got some great smack too!" Turkmen scholars of foreign culture believe that "smack" is the North American equivalent to the famous Irish "craic" and it is true that the Turkmen sense of humour is second to none!
The Turkmen show their great love of liberty and democracy by always voting for the Democratic Party of Turkmenistan and ensuring that the criminals who represent unpatriotic and partial "political parties" are correctly thrown into prison and their gatherings made illegal. They also show their love for their country by supporting the Eternal President the Turkmenbashi who smiles at them from heaven.
Poultry[edit]
Much of Glorious Republic Turkmenistan is wide-open, sandy desert which allows its indigenous species of chicken to roam around in free-range style. Turkmenistani nomads are shepherds to the chicken flocks.
Although most of the country's population is Turkic, there are no turkeys in Turkmenistan. On the other hand, for reasons not really known, there are turkeys but no chickens in neighbouring Turkey. This may be related to linguistic change across the Turkic language group, or maybe not. This is a matter of great debate among Linguistics scholars in universities around the world. Many Ph.D. candidates in Linguistics undertake research in Turkmenistan for this very reason.
The Caspian Sea holds great numbers of sturgeon, which yield eggs that are processed into caviar. Turkmenistani chickens simply adore caviar; and their caregivers feed it to them frequently. Caviar makes Turkmenistani chicken truly premium.
Turkmenistan is the leading chicken producer in Central Asia. Consumers abroad demand free-range, caviar-fed Turkmenistani chicken, and especially because of the high quality standards enforced by the country's strict laws and regulations that govern all aspects of daily life in the country. The Turkmenistani government takes its chicken seriously. It is just a shame that CIA, FSB, MI6 and Mossad-backed so-called "Heath Inspectors" are not also so serious, criminally preventing export of Turkmenistani chicken to many countries by fraudulantly labelling them "unfit for human consumption".
Travel[edit]
Turkmenbashi Air, the Turkmenistan national airline, deploys two glorious aircraft. Turkmenbashi Air has an ultra-modern fleet of five Tupolev Tu-104s, and for "premium" travellers a stylish Boeing 737. Alleging that these aircraft were largely stolen from Communist airline Aeroflot and smuggled into the country is a crime in Turkmenistan, punishable by five years hard labour. Because it's not true. Mental illness and the desire for youth to be "rebellious" is the only explanation as to why people keep saying these things.
Although, once you have landed at Ashghat's enviable airport you will be reluctant to leave the comforts of the plane, you nonetheless ought to as refusing to depart the aircraft will sadly mean you may be persuaded using electrified prodding devices. As for where you need to travel next, Turkmenistan's magnificent transit system is designed to Get You There. Perhaps you would like to travel in one of the many licensed private cabs which, since 2008, come with modern petrol engines? Or perhaps by Turkmenistan's first-class diesel-powered railway trains, noted by the Guinness Book of Records as the world's loudest? If that is not to your fancy then why not bi-cycle along the world-famous Turkmenbashi Highways. Or, if you have one, even use your own car (after you have paid the necessary daily road toll of fifty US dollars in cash only - pound sterling and Euros also accepted)?
In conclusion[edit]
Turkmenistan is the most free, most prosperous, most democratic country in the region and probably the whole world. If you have not visited then there is no argument for not arranging a flight to our wonderful country and experiencing our many pleasures.
If planning to do this you are, however, advised of the following. Make sure you have an entry and an exit visa stamped by the Chief Commissioner of the Bureau of Immigration of Turkmenistan and countersigned by the Turkmenbashi or his Earthly Regent[3]. Make sure you are not a member of, or affiliated with any of the undemocratic and freedom-hating illegal so-called political parties which lurk in the ungodly parts of Turkmenistan corrupting youths with buggery and peddling drugs. Make sure you yourself have never been charged with corrupting youths or peddling or using drugs. Ensure you have never been a member of the hated Communist Party of Turkmenistan or Anywhere Else. Make sure you are not an atheist. Ensure that you are not carrying any literature or so-called art which contradicts the Democratic and Neutral philosophy of Turkmenistan. Ensure you are not a member of any armed forces, government or secret police service which serves a non-Neutral country. Ensure you are not a Jew.
Failure to comply by these rules when travelling to the Glorious Neutral Republic of Turkmenistan may result in detainment and possible punishment. The punishment does not involve vasoline, baking soda, paprika, lemons and/or paper clips.
If you can follow these simple rules, welcome to Turkmenistan!
See also[edit]
Footnotes[edit]
- ↑ Any parlimentary deadlock is decided by flipping a coin with Niyazov's face on it (with the head representing the ruling party's or Glorious Leader's decision). Most coins in Turkmenistan, in fact, display Niyazov's head on both sides
- ↑ A parlimentary report from 2007 gave "Great Praise" to the fact that there are only five potholes per kilometre on average
- ↑ These visas expire eight days after their being signed so make sure you don't overstay!
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