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“If I buy something from IKEA that was made in Northern Europe, I expect it to be already fully assembled.”

~ Noel Coward on his new wardrobe

IKEA logo.
IKEA facade. The store was capable of transforming into a fully armoured attack robot at night, and could cross the English Channel in two mighty bounds. Unfortunately several small but important screws were missing from the kit, and the instructions were in Albanian Yiddish. On the only occasion when the actual transformation was attempted, one leg flew off the beast and demolished a nearby Starbucks.

An acronym standing for "I Kowtow to Egregious Australians," IKEA makes and sell flat-pack furniture but due to restrictions in the law in many nations are unable to deliver. Many people get around this by driving Volvo station wagons to IKEA and filling them to the brim with gaudy plastic tat made by Lars Larsson and called something ridiculous like the OMSBROM toaster rack. IKEA is also said to have been derived from I-Kill-Y(e)A due to the furniture's ability to cause heart arrest in people who like popcorn.

Ikea's latest innovation in chair ergonomics! Comes flat-packed with removable canvas upholstry.

Other notable items sold by IKEA over the years are the KITTENHOEFFER magazine stand, the QUISLING wall-lamp and the MARMOSET spinning mobile chair. IKEA self-assembly furniture is made of balsa wood and comes with a small Allen key. Instructions are usually that of the standard "insert flange A into sprocket ZB-5001C" type. Unfortunately, the instructions are originally written in Japanese (not Swedish, contrary to popular belief), translated to Bulgarian, THEN Swedish, then German, Portuguese and finally Esperanto before being translated into English eaten by a grue. Fun stuff.

Many members of the public have been banned from IKEA and taken to court for not returning the pencils that are given at the start to help fill in order forms. This has created a new sport, though officially unnamed at the moment, where the participants run into an IKEA and attempt to escape without either being caught or purchasing a product from the popular KRAPP line of furniture found there.

All items featured in IKEA are made with product specifications such as: being 5 inches too big to fit into a car boot, missing at least one vital construction piece, the instruction writer thinking it would be funny to include pictures of other instruction manuals, and etc.

IKEA is seen by many as the happiest place on Earth; what better way to spend a Saturdays then by carrying a disassembled wardrobe through a car park or enjoying a plate of meatballs made through questionable means? IKEA is also a great place to spot the elusive argumentative couple, usually found arguing over lamp shades or the right to bear arms. It has been proven beyond reasonable doubt that the reason for 50% of modern marriages ending in divorce is because those people went to IKEA together for a "relaxing" afternoon.

IKEA was founded by the Swede Ingvar Kamprad, despite the chronic lack of style in design so typical of the Swedes. The only thing that mattered was supply chain management, namely persuading people to buy stuff directly from a warehouse.

Secondary Profit Areas

Three typical IKEA-Geeks being aroused by a rare "collector's edition" IKEA catalogue.

IKEA currently turn profits of $5 billion US per hour thanks to their secondary roles as:

  • A major cocaine distribution outfit. Ties to the Scandinavian Mafia have been denied although Don Don Donssohn has indicated that he owns the majority of shares as of this time and that "Youse all best be careful or you'll wake up with a HOERSHEDD foot warmer".
  • (With surprisingly little modification) a line of vast torture chambers designed along the same lines as mazes given to laboratory antelopes. The whole concept is founded on the idea that the public craves suffering, and so the range is particularly popular in Scotland. IKEA has actually been known to provide additional funding to fire houses in their community through bribes designed to offset any fire codes for clearly labelled and reachable store exits.
  • Swedish meat balls merchants with cheap meat ingredients from McDonald's.
  • Intense Marriage Counselling Sessions; visits to IKEA stores are used to provide intense compatibility testing for thousands of young and old couples wishing to test the patience of their loved ones and the strength of their union. The ability of a married couple to survive a shopping trip to IKEA is thought to be one of the strongest indicators of an extremely strong bonding. Psychiatrists and marriage counsellors are normally given a referral fee of 10% by the store for prescribing trips.
  • The secret manufacture and distribution of the duck-billed platypus, whose existence has baffled scientists for centuries. Certain governments buy platypus at extremely lucrative prices, believing them to be a natural George Bush repellant.

Little Known Facts

Our new customer service technique is unstoppable!
The unofficial Ikea logo (IRC:Ach! My eyes!). Note the pulse of the first K
  • The name IKEA is actually Swedish for 'Give us your wallet'.
  • IKEA is the world's largest buyer of umlauts, and consumes over fifteen Jüürkstöäs worth per every ten seconds.
  • Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA, loathes and despises all suburban husbands. It's not just like that by chance. He also can fly.
  • The most famous IKEA posterboys are Billy Bokhylla and Roger Brödrost.
  • The hot dogs sold in their cafe are made of ground up ceiling tiles and rubber cement, served on a healthy whole wheat bun, and topped with a sauce made from past employees that failed somehow.
  • Every time their CEO farts, they get an idea.
  • Where else can you get meals for $1? At least at IKEA Etobicoke.
  • The standard IKEA floor plan was designed by the mythical Greek Daedalus to trap shoppers for all eternity, and thus use their souls to prevent global cooling, warming or spongiform related diseases.
  • Jimmy Hoffa's last known whereabouts were in an IKEA. It is rumoured that he wandered in, got lost in the store, and has been looking for the exit ever since.
  • In Italy, IKEA is known The Antichrist and is worshipped through the burning of Convent Virgins, which has greatly reduced the annual export of said virgins to other places such as Brooklyn.
  • If you fall asleep on any floor model bed or sofa at IKEA, a cleverly concealed trap door will open and you will be whisked away by Oompah Loompahs employed by Lars Larsson. Nobody knows what happens next, but most assume it is unpleasant. A movie about this scenario is being produced starring Keanu Reeves and David Duchovny (see sideways).
  • The mysterious multidimensional space beneath the House of Leaves is actually an incorrectly assembled SCROERVALD book shelf and toilet rack. It is assumed that this space is actually a variation on the concept of a Durac Sea and as such only exists in the minds of Tibetan maths-monks.
  • IKEA's tertiary mission is to pave the way for the Swedish bid of world dominance. This is expected to be scheduled once all beer and vodka has been drunk.
  • The defeat of the Swedish army in the war of 1988 was blamed on its IKEA-made artillery pieces. The hapless Swedes couldn't figure out how to assemble their SVEDUPELLE meatball catapults. Their wooden shields were also found to be hollow.
  • If you are too retarded to assemble a simple piece of furniture, IKEA's recommendation is that you make really bad jokes about your incompetence and then base a stand-up comedy routine around them, perhaps lightly peppering the routine with jokes about how you're also too retarded to set a VCR timer and about how gangsta rappers have funny names. And so it goes.
  • The Microsoft human resource department recently outsourced its tests to IKEA's instruction manual division.
  • The royal residence of the Swedish king has furniture only from IKEA.
  • The BUMERANG wooden hanger is optimized for maximum efficiency in IKEA's mission to remove any and all bums, hoboes, and tramps from the face of Sweden. Ingvar Kamprad's phone has been tapped, and he had this to say (translated for your convenience): "Those GODDAMN BUMS have been STEALING MY FUCKING PENCILS!" Some fringe conspiracy theorist groups believe he has an ulterior motive that is unknown at this time.
  • In Soviet Russia IKEA furniture build YOU!!
  • Apple is suing IKEA over the Apple iKea
  • IKEAs are holy sites to Elemenstormers.
  • Note to be confused with ΠKEA
  • IKEA in goozlematoff means Swedish corporate whore. The only other thing that this word applies to Zlatan Ibrahimovich
  • Ikea furniture sets are named off of Swedish slang terms. Watch as Swedes laugh at you for buying a Penis Bed or Herpes Sofa.

“This has been my greatest accomplishment”

~ Oscar Wilde on finishing building VANNDER, a candle holder by IKEA

IKEA theory

The newest and most hotly disputed view regarding IKEA was recently suggested by Doctor 50 Cent of the Institute of People Who Spend Too Much Time Talking to Walls. His theorem supposed that IKEA outlet stores were not so much buildings, but instead large, ultra-efficient gateways to Sweden. This theory is based on two facts;

  • Sweden was recently converted into the world's largest IKEA store
  • If you knock on the wall of any IKEA store (excluding Sweden) you will find that it is hollow, fact.

This theory explains how IKEA stores have many workers, as the whole population of Sweden is employed by IKEA, and yet how it still takes so fucking long for your item to reach the counter.

The opposing theory is mainly based on the opinion that 50 Cent is a gun-toting inbred prat, and that nobody cares what he thinks. This theory, by Mark von Schitzelhessen supposes that IKEA is actually just a large tax scam where someone lost the plan on what the hell was going on. like their furniture.

IKEA workers

The workers of IKEA (formerly Sweden) are a hardworking, resiliant group. Their pay is minimal, their treatment by old ladies is brutal, the food they eat is remains of their old ladies and their stay consists mainly of sleeping on showroom furnishings.

Recently, a small uprising by some disgruntled IKEAn's was brutally put down by some crazed zsckeff tables. if you would like to contribute to the IKEA Terrorist Children's Hospital, please donate lots of moneys to the wiggle your balls in a blender whilst beating a kitten fund.

The movie

The movie of IKEA was made by Ed Monton the creator of The Aviator in cooperation with the creator of The Hulk. It is set on a world far far from ours, at a time when monkeys rule the universe, where suddenly emerges a mermaid from the sea. Her breasts are firm and tight due to excellent Breast Control, and she is married to Ingvar Kamprad (played by Keanu Reeves). WARNING: spoiler. However, the inhabitants of Xenu invade Earth and scatter all furniture to remote parts of the galaxy. Despite the best efforts by Hulk Hogan (who has a minor part), it was never possible to find and assemble all these pieces. The evil plot is to make people believe they could accomplish this feat which would force them to wander around large car parks for ever, and curse at the impossible instructions and missing parts when they were assembling the furniture at home.

David Duchovny plays with himself, as a cunning linguist researcher who has discovered the truth, but is silenced through ongoing efforts of the Church of IKEA.

Purchasing Items In IKEA

Having decided on which of the billions of items sold by IKEA it is that you wish to buy, you will need to visit your local store (which is probably at least 80 miles away). Take a pair of binoculars with you, because your item will be on the top shelf of a 70-foot high metal rack. Once you have located it, spend another hour attempting to locate a member of staff. They will tell you that, very shortly, a man will come with a ladder and get it down for you. That man will never come.

See also

External links

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