EU
| Europe Undermined (EU) | |
|---|---|
| Full Name | Europe Undermined |
| Organisation Type | Continental Oligarchical Government |
| Head of Organisation | Belgian Prime Minister (changes every 5 years) |
| Number of Members | 28 |
| For | Helping the French and Germans become great despite the fact they lost every major European war. (English translation: Cheating). Opening all the borders so that the Eastern Europeans can go on permanent holiday to Britain. |
| Against | The British and the Turks - who aren't really European. Wonky, ill-proportioned fruit and veg. |
The Europe Undermined (EU) is an organisation created to spread the myth of a peaceful, loving European community to the wider World. It was originally created by the Benelux Empire (composed of the Netherlands, Belgium and Luxembourg) in 1951 under the name the European Cull and Steal Community (ECSC).
Though over the decades the organisation has gone through more name changes (EEC, EEK, YUK, POO), the EU has retained its core mission: It was an organisation set up to steal all they could from Germany and Italy as defeated countries in WW2 under the falsely placed name of "reparations." The EU was also intended to cull Germans; if any German was spotted they could be shot instantly on the spot without further questions. This however led to many Belgians killing off the Dutch and Liechtensteiners. The EU is now composed of the majority of Western, Northern and Central Europe. It recently won the Nobel Peace Prize shortly after reminding the UN that if North Korea did fire a missile at any other country they would provide full military support for that country.
The EU likes to claim it represents a historical continuation of the Roman Empire, Holy Roman Empire and Disneyland.
The Reasoning behind the EU
The EU is used by lots of different countries in different ways. Instead of being an organisation where all nations cooperate and reach a final united aim, the EU is simply there to be a tool twisted into suiting a country's own aims.
France uses the EU when it wants to piss off Britain. It usually spreads a message such as, "Look at you now. All those military victories and conquering the world means nothing now that Europe is pacifist". The French also use the EU as an excuse for other superpowers to pay off French debts (incurred due to strikes and a catholic holiday system), as if they don't France may collapse, and thus so will Strasbourg where the EU parliament is held.
Germany uses the EU to its full advantage in its ultimate aim of World Domination. It can easily bully poorer, "lesser" countries such as Greece into handing over all their money and then using their bankruptcy as an excuse to invade. In German the EU is referred to as the "Vierte Reich", literally the Fourth Empire, as the Germans are still under the impression that the EU is the the area of influence Germany was allowed to have after winning WW2.
The British have to look good in their two friendship groups. They have to look good on a global scale as a superpower by sucking up to the USA and being friendly with Putinland and they also have to look like they are sticking up for their continent and part of Europe. Therefore the British take the EU as a sort of light-hearted optional programme where you can opt out of things that make you too European but adopt enough to look like they're involved.
The Austrians use the EU as a cover for joining as one with Germany although the Austrians see it as Germany becoming part of Austria. They also use the EU to make it look like they care about the rights of their former territories like Hungary, Czech Republic, Slovenia, Slovakia and Romania. They also see the EU as an organisation full of the top-dogs of the continent and are still under the illusion that the rest of Europe thinks of them as a superpower. Whenever a decision is made that they oppose they revert to the tactic of telling everyone that the Bosnians killed Archduke Ferdinand in Serbia, hoping that it might start a war that Austria could win.
Belgium use the EU as a place where they can hang out with the big powers and boss them about. When all the other powers remind them that to be a super power in Europe you must have previous colonial possessions they whip out the old, "We used to own a rather large territory called Congo, you know" trick. They also stand around reminding France that, despite the fact they speak French, they are not actually French.
Italy uses the EU to pretend that Berlusconi is not a Fascist dictator, running the country through the mafia and is in fact ruling over a very civil and democratic country.
Spain and Greece both use the EU to remind all the other powers that if it weren't for the Greeks inventing all their new technology and giving that to the Romans and if it weren't for the Spanish discovering gold in the Americas and losing it to the French and British then none of the other powers would have ever had empires.
The Scandinavians use the EU as an excuse that they are all civilised, protestant people who eat normal food and have manners when in actual fact they are all pagan Vikings who loot and pillage and hunt down sea monsters and whales for their grub. They also believe that when Iceland joins the EU that will mean it will become part of Denmark again.
The Eastern European countries use the EU so that they can move freely from border to border until they reach Britain where they stay on permanent holiday. They also say that they can't be Communist dictatorships any more if they are EU members.
The Balkans use the EU as a certificate to say that they are all officially European despite being owned by the Ottoman Empire for quite a long time (a few hundred years). They also use the EU to confirm that they are all peaceful and friendly now and will not fight between each other again, provided that Austria doesn't carry on mentioning that the Bosnians killed an Archduke related to a royal family that no longer rules over Austria.
The Scottish use the EU as an excuse to have a completely separate membership of the EU to Britain just so that it can make a point of being an independent nation from Britain. This is largely due to the restrictions imposed by the UK government on the trading of heroin and shortbread.
EU Policies
Economic policy is based around the USA giving lots of loans to European countries and then having a financial collapse, demanding the money back (which the Europeans have wasted on useless commodities like wine and bureaucracy), obliging Germany to bail them all out. However, the French got annoyed that the Germans were complaining that they had to bail everyone out so introduced a single currency, the Euro, so that next time there was a financial collapse even Germany's money would be worthless. However the British have opted out of this and prefer getting weighed down by the Pound.
Foreign policy is to remind the rest of the World that the EU countries had empires, and that if you were to combine all these empires together it would probably take up half of the world. So don't mess with them.
The EU agricultural policy adopts the French socialist farmers model. High tax on people eating the food. Every carrot must have a certain length. Every apple must be a certain weight. Every banana must have a certain angle of curvature. Every asparagus must have a certain taste. Surprisingly, despite these strict measures to help keep down food production so that there is a huge demand and the French farmers make a huge profit, Europe has been shown to waste the most food compared to any other continent.
The EU military policy adopts the policies of the big three countries: France, Germany and Belgium. Everyone else is obliged to back up their policies. For example if France decides to invade Mali then they will be supported by the Belgian Mountain Troops and Germans while the Brits supply weapons to the French and Mali terrorists. If Britain rescues the Falkland Islands, no one cares but the French do remember that Argentina ordered some new fighter jets so ship them off to Argentina immediately. If Germany invades anywhere all the other powers gang up on it immediately (apart from Austria) and call in the 28th EU Member (the USA) for backup.
EU internal policy concentrates on delocalising the government so that instead of having lots of small governments set up in each country representing the culture, history and ethnic group of the country, there is simply one government split up into three main parts (as explained in the government section), that oppresses rules over all the states of Europe to gain a larger sphere of influence.
The EU Parliament
Structure
The European parliament has been described as representing the second biggest democratic electorate in the World after the parliament of India (the US parliament technically represents more people but can not be described officially as democratic). The EU parliament is composed of three main houses: the House of Arrogance and Illogical Reasoning (Brussels), the House of Human Rights and Lefts (Liechtenstein) and the House of Bourbon (Strasbourg). The president of the parliament is the Belgian Prime Minister, which changes every five years. There is also a special, unofficial role of Fuhrer of the EU parliament. This position is only recognised by Austria and Germany, and is the Chancellor of Germany, changing every four years.
The House of Arrogance and Illogical Reasoning devotes different amounts of time to different topics. Some time is devoted on coming up with new agricultural policies to make food look perfect and correct. Germany takes a strong role in this as it will not allow any unterfruitein to get through EU fruit and veg border agency. Some time is spent on coming up with rules and legislations by picking them out of a hat at random and announcing them. However most time is spent with all the countries bickering about their historical past and how important their imperial empire was compared to others.
The House of Human Rights and Lefts was set-up to address rights (The House of Right) and equality (The House of Left). The House of Rights usually spends time handing out freedoms to poorer EU countries and France, with such freedoms including: "Right to pay 80% tax", "Right to claim constant benefits", "Swiss bankers having the right to hold all of the EU's savings and then keep it for themselves", and "Right to be persecuted by the Catholic Church". The House of Left spends time making sure that everyone is equal, from the French farmers to the Swiss bankers. They hand out constant warnings to EU countries that they may be breaking their people's equality rights. Some recent warnings have forced Britain to keep an extremist terrorist inside their country as it would not be fair to deport him to Jordan to face a trial for terrorising Jordan. Another warning is that France is not being socialist enough and allowing people to come off benefits and actually start working. This was resolved, however when Francois Hollande invented so much paperwork and taxes that had to be handed in to start up a business that the unemployment rate in France is back to the usual 100%.
The House of Bourbon was a French move to secure overall power of the EU and have a back-up to prohibit Germany from taking all of Europe over. For this reason the House of Bourbon Committee has one rule that takes precedence over all over rules, namely that in a continent-wide emergency all power is diverted to the House of Bourbon Committee. In peacetime the House of Bourbon is mainly in charge of making sure that everyone is affected by the recession, making it fair and equal and helping to deliver the socialist outcome that most of Europe desires. The House is the only house not to be represented by every country as Britain, Germany, the Netherlands and Scandinavia have been banned for being protestant and too right-wing for the French.
Parties
The largest EU party is the EPP (European People's Party). Contrary to the name however it is a Conservative-Christian centre-right party so does not stand for the people but for the interests of Jersey, Luxembourg, Switzerland and other places where there are no taxes to be paid.
The next largest party is the S&D (Social Democrat Party). They are a socialist party that supports all the unemployed people such as Yorkshire miners, French farmers and all the Greeks. They are also in league with a few extremist communists lurking around in Eastern Europe. If they were to come to power Belarus would immediately join the EU and become a major EU power.
The ALDE (Alliance of Liberals and Democrats for Europe). This party promises that Europe will turn into a single country when they come to power, everyone will have jobs and Europe will take over the rest of the World. Lots of silly people will then vote for them because they believe that the ALDE could really do that. When the party comes to power they will realise that what they said they would do is not practically possible and will spend their whole time in power apologising that they aren't going to do what they promised. In this way they are the complete political opposite of Britain's Liberal Democrat Party.
The fourth largest party is the Green Party, who believe that Europe should unite as one country and then be painted green on all maps. The Green Party would also deport all non-renewable energy sources back into the sea where they came from.
The fifth largest party is the ECR (European Conservatives and Reformers Party). Not many people vote for this party as it contradicts itself in its own name, wanting to be conservative by sticking to traditional values and yet introducing reforms via revolution at the same time. This party is therefore based on a new form of quantum physics where it is possible to carry out two conflicting policies at the same time.
The smallest party in the EU parliament is the EFD (Europe of Freedom and Democracy). The reason why this party gets the least votes is that most of the EU no longer accepts the ideas of freedom and democracy as they prefer extremist socialism, fascism, bureaucracy, apologists and monarchism.
Geography and Members of the EU
There are 28 member states of the EU. They are listed in order of importance here:
Belgium, United Kingdom, France, Germany, The Netherlands, Liechtenstein, Croatia, Sweden, Denmark, Poland, Portugal, Czech Republic, Hungary, Slovakia, Slovenia, Malta, Ireland, Bulgaria, Romania, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Finland, Cyprus, Greece, Austria, Italy, Spain.
Europe is very geographically diverse, with landscapes ranging from streets full of rioters in Greece to mountains full of rioters in Britain.
The History of the EU
The ECC
The European Economic Community was set-up as an effective continuation of the ECSC in 1957. France, West Germany and Italy joined the ECC to make 6 member states. Britain saw this as a huge threat beginning to form on the continent. Their two former enemies were ganging up to create a new European superpower. France saw this as a great chance not to let Britain have a dominating role in European politics by refusing to let Britain join.
The French President at the time Charles de Gaulle had once been exiled to Britain, at a time when Britain was almost subjugated into surrendering to the Germans. This was largely due to the huge increase in French people on the British Isles, which had a huge impact on Britain as a sane, stable country. He decided to return the favour and personally ban British entry into the ECC. In response the British upped military spending and made a law that forced every man in the land to train himself in the art of the bow and arrow so they could stick two fingers up at the French. The French still misunderstood that the British were making a rude gesture and thought (as many Americans do) that the British were trying to imitate the Victory sign. So the French retaliated with the loser sign and the petty dispute continued. While the US, the USSR and the rest of the World were engaging in a potential nuclear war with major apocalyptic, possible consequences for the planet the French and British were wasting all their US funding on trying to piss each other off.
Meanwhile, the Germans, being sensible and clever, stayed out of the disputes and built up their economy and industry instead, as they couldn't wait for the British and French to realise that they had just given the Germans to recover for another World Domination plan to begin.
The Boom
During the late 80s and early 90s the World experienced a financial boom. This affected Europe and the EU as Britain and Germany loaned lots of money to other European countries. This money was put into huge, disorganised, unrealistic projects like Italy's Death Star construction project. This ill-fated attempt was abandoned and later converted into a venue for Prime Minister Berlusconi's private entertaining of diplomatic guests.
At the same time in the 1990s the USSR collapsed, allowing an influx of new members into the EU. These new members brought with them huge unemployment, poverty and war. However Europe had gone through a dramatic reformation, with Socialism triumphing over Communism. Soon many countries had their own Social Democrat Party formed from ex-Fascist and Communist leaders who had failed to rule European countries for the past few decades.
The change allowed the British Labour Party to come back to power for the first time in almost two decades since they led the country into financial recession.
The Recession
The Recession which hit in 2008 suddenly showed that, unlike the views of many beforehand, the Germans were in it all along to build their empire. Everybody else's economies were collapsing but not the German economy for some reason. Germany pretended to care by bailing the rest of Europe out, but in repayment each country had to become one with Germany. The British and French tried desperately to stop this, but soon extremist groups began to crop up all over Europe, from Communist rallies in Spain to a Hungarian MP asking for the list of names of all the Jews in Hungary. The EU currently is in the process of realising that all along no-one was listening to each other, and that different countries' interpretations of the role of the EU were different, but still the French and British are left bickering with each other about who's empire was greater. However, the most distressing thing for the EU was that its Department of Agriculture finally ran out of money. Everything had been done to try to save it, but the minute it collapsed a wave of horse meat lasagne swept across Europe. In some parts the clean-up is still not yet finished. Horse meat tsunamis are notorious for the mess they leave.
The Future of the EU
The future of the EU is seen in a different light by each individual country.
The British see themselves pulling out of the EU in a few more years as they have developed the ultimate "opt-out" plan. They plan not to need to be a member of the EU and obey all its decisions any more, but still get a major say on how the EU works. Luckily, UKIP-funded geologists have theorised that due to the movement of tectonic plates, Britain is moving further away from the rest of Europe physically. However this may have disastrous consequences, as that means Britain will edge closer to America. Construction of a huge outboard motor in Cornwall, allowing control of Britain's direction, has been suggested as a possible solution. A minor psychological defect shared throughout much of the population also means that people from Britain often seem to think of their country as it's own continent, meaning that impromptu geography lessons are required whenever the EU is mentioned.
The Germans see the EU as turning from their sphere of influence into their own empire. The "Vierte Reich" or "New World Order" will become a reality thanks to the carefully planned Schlieffen Plan. The Germans intend to finally sort out Europe into an amazing dominating global power all united under the Greater German flag.
The French see the EU as continuing to fund their large amounts of debt so that they can still afford to go on strike for at least one day per week and still consume large amounts of wine. They also need to carry on their marketing campaign to attach ropes to Britain and push it as far away from Europe as possible.
Belgium is still dazed at the thought that they think they control the whole of Europe and are faffing about trying to find their hat full of random policies that they dropped on a visit to Holland.
The rest of Europe sees itself going bankrupt in a few years time. With no hope of being saved, and the possibility of the continent being over-run by anarchic tribes who have no law system and people who can shoot anyone they want at will, they see the increasing similarity to America.
See Also
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