Grand Conspiracy

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Diagram of the Conspiracy

“You're all just jealous that the voices only talk to me.”
~ Me on the voices in my head

“The greatest conspiracy! To agree with is one of the first requisites of sanity.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Grand Conspiracy

The Grand Conspiracy is the Absolute Truth about the state of the world today. Everyone you have ever known, every country, every non-governmental and intergovernmental organization, every African or South American tribesman, every head of state, every famous person, and everything that you have ever seen is involved. Even you, yourself, are involved, yet you do not know about it!

If you choose to ignore the threat of the conspiracy, you will be enslaved and eaten by spork-wielding squirrels wearing pickelhaubes! Therefore you must believe this theory. Skepticism is the path to destruction! What are YOU doing to protect YOUR family from spork-wielding squirrels wearing pickelhaubes?

You should be careful not to trust the likes of H. G. Wells. His "predictions of the future" were only able to come true because of the evil Synarchist network he was involved with that took his dastardly plans as gospel to be enacted through front organizations such as the Club of Rome, the Trilateral Commission, and the World Wildlife Fund. Lyndon LaRouche told me that, you know, and he is one of the most important political and economic commentators of the last century.

About the Conspiracy Theorist

The voices inside my head have told me that I am not insane!

Before I tell you the details of the conspiracy, I will demonstrate my great credibility. I am not insane. The voices inside my head have told me that I am not insane. If you question what the Voices have told me, then I will command the Glowing Blue Jellyfishes that float above everyone's heads to erase you from existence! Can you not see the Glowing Blue Jellyfish? You must be a madman if you cannot see them! BELIEVE ME! I am a world-renowned quantum physicist. However, you may not know about me because the Squirrels are trying to erase everyone's memories!

I am also the rightful Emperor of Antarctica, but the squirrels have usurped the Penguin Throne and I have been exiled! Eventually I will free the human species from oppression and return to my majestic empire of Antarctica. Surely you now have no doubts concerning my credibility! I am not a dodecahedron, so help me Monochromatic Hippopotamus!

The Spork of Sporks

Instrument of Mankind's Enslavement!

The Nature of the Spork

The Spork is the source of all evil in our universe. It is said to be telepathic, omnipotent, very wise, four-headed, and REALLY USEFUL! It is considered to be a major deity in all religions, even monotheistic ones. Sporks are everywhere! The Spork can be everywhere at the same time! You just cannot see the Sporks because the Spork of Sporks (also known as the Supreme Spork) chose to be invisible. The Spork is indestructible. If you break the Spork, every piece will become a new Spork. They lie in hiding, surreptitiously, sinisterly waiting for the day when they will render humanity into servitude.

A spork starship cleverly disguised as a star constellation

Interlude

To see a spork you must believe in it. Close your eyes and say, "I think Spork. I am Spork. I smell Spork. I feel Spork. I want Spork. I hope Spork. I see Spork!" repeatedly. Eventually, a thousand sporks will appear and attack you. Then you will die. But I digress.

The Plot of Sporks

In the beginning the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the Human.

But then, in a galaxy far, far away, the Spork was jealous and created the Squirrel and the Inkjet Printer in its own image. But the Spork saw that the Squirrel was not as good as the Human and said unto the Squirrel, "Go forth and multiply, arm yourselves with sporks, and enslave the Humans." When the Squirrel has taken over the world, the Spork shall become Gsporkd and thousands of squirrels shall eat spaghetti with Sporks! The homeplanet of the Sporks has sent out several spork attack ships, scheduled to arrive when the main invasion begins.

The Squirrel

Squirrels: Masterminds of Terror!

Squirrels are the main conspirators against mankind. The Squirrel is a creature of great logic, yet great evil. Its extraordinary powers make it the perfect human-enslaver. Squirrels, despite their small size, can defeat any human with their eye beams. They are also equipped with GPS navigation systems so they do not get lost. They have always watched humans in envy and with cold calculation. Mercy and kindness are unknown to this great mastermind; it pretends to be harmless, waiting for the day when it shall come out of hiding to devour you and becomes Master of the World. You will then have to obey the squirrel and heed its every command.

The Plot

They wait. They wait for the day that their great Machines of Death are ready. They wait for the day the towering achievements of human civilization become objects upon which to grind their teeth. They wait for the day that they can finally freely consume the flesh of the human, the other red meat.

Now, they already control our governments. Every "head of state" is actually a squirrel wearing an elaborate costume. Every war is just a orchestrated soap opera used to keep the human population under control. Elections decide only which costume the Squirrels shall wear. Great cause célèbres are only shadows on the wall.

The Master Spork

The Master Spork is the ultimate eating utensil of power. It lies somewhere within an unknown forest, waiting to found. It is only a matter of time before the squirrels get their hands... err... paws on it. With this weapon, they will be capable of wiping out entire nations in the blink of an eye. Undercover agents from MI6 and the CIA are searching the entire globe in an attempt to find it first, but they have yet to succeed. There is rumor that it is somewhere in George Bush's ranch in Texas.

The Squirrel's Atrocity

The Squirrel is the Supreme Chess Player (2nd only to the Most Awesome Page Ever, which is in another realm altogether), moving its pieces (the governments) to a state where humans will no longer resist Squirrel domination. Then a million Squirrels will emerge, armed with M-17 Magical Sporks, and every human will become enslaved. Surplus humans and small children will be eaten alive by swarms of ravenous squirrels. Blood will flow like the River Amazon down the streets of great cities. Skeletons marred by teeth marks and eye beam holes shall form pyramids that exceed the height of the highest of skyscrapers. The Squirrels shall sit upon the Pyramids of Human Skeletons and order the surviving humans, who will be reduced to walking skeletons by hard labor, to construct giant chocolate statues of famous squirrel actors and comedians. My fellow human, such is the fate of our species if we do not act against these Masterminds of Terror. Your children and grandchildren will curse you with loathing as they slowly starve and are fed to baby squirrels as hors d'oeuvres. Oh, by the way, the Squirrels will gnaw with their teeth (or use sporks) on the Giant Chocolate Statues. Mmmmm... Chocolate... Anyway, it is time to break your chains of oppression.

ROADKILL

The Squirrel has only one fatal weakness - A car travelling at 60mph on a highway. Only by creating better cars with bigger tires (that are spiked) can we hope to delay the impending Squirrel Doomsday. Every squirrel road kill will signal the Squirrel's mothership, the Sporkanator II (currently orbiting the moon disguised as a star constellation) to reconsider their moves. The squirrel also has another significant weakness. Althought it is more effective than Death by Highway Car, it may turn out to the final blow to squirrels. I am talking about deforestation, and the extermination of them Greenpeace Hippies. through this, we can effectively kill off every squirrel on the planet without making blood splatter on our nice cars (Although we'll miss making roadkill from squirrels, there are still many prospecting animals that can be used as a subsitute for Squirrels. Grues, for example) Finally, mankind can boast to aliens how it has caused the end of another fearsome race.

The Inkjet Printer Connection

The Inkjet Printer is the other creation of the Spork. Inkjet printers are made to emit mind-controlling gamma rays. After you buy an inkjet printer, you will slowly become more and more servile. After a year, you will obey any command from a squirrel. Eventually, everyone in the world will have inkjet printers. Now you know why you often get a free inkjet printer when you buy a computer! It is also why humanitarian groups (if a vegetarian eats vegetables, a humanitarian eats humans!) operated by squirrels distribute inkjet printers to people who do not even have computers in impoverished areas in Western Africa. When you replace your inkjet, you are just buying replacement gamma-ray emmitters. Stop buying inkjets! Buy a laser printer!

Spoon and Fork Club

Observe the Sporkic symbolism.

The Spoon and Fork Club is a secret society that serves the interests of the squirrels. A spork with arcane symbolism is shown on their logo. They are all traitors to the human species. It is often seen as the human wing of the Squirrel Provisional Authority. Members are recruited through the weird surveys and tests that schools, employers etc. force you to take. When a suitable human is found, the person is kidnapped by Squirrel Commandos and their relatives are told that they have died of dehydration. Then the human is subjected to a year of alternating torture and indoctrination. Eventually, the human becomes an unquestioning servant of the Squirrel and the Spork.

It worships the holy Spork of Sporks and also helps control international politics. The Spoon and Fork Club use a time zone that is 5 minutes ahead of Eastern Standard Time, which is referred to as "barbarian time."

It is interesting to observe that most Wikipedia and Uncyclopedia sysops, U.S. presidents, Supreme Court Justices, members of various legislatures worldwide, food service personnel, and llamaherds are members of the Club. This has numerous implications. First, all of the satire (Wikipedia) and non-fiction (Uncyclopedia) that you read are carefully censored by the Spork and Foon Club Politburo, which is controlled by Squirrels, who in turn defer to the Spork of Sporks. Thus, the Spork of Sporks controls all of your thoughts through proxy. If your article has been deleted, it may be because someone in the Conspiratorial Chain of Command decided that it could be considered crimethink. Likewise, all governments are controlled by the Spork of Sporks through the Spork and Foon Club.

In addition, all of the food that you consume are designed so that they make you more susceptible to brainwashing by the Squirrel Ministry of Truth (Squiminitriue). Also, stop eating llamas because llama meat has been implanted with mind-control devices.

Oprah/William Henry Harrison

Can you not see the resemblance?

It is a little known fact that Oprah and William Henry Harrison are the same person. Look at the pictures! Can you not see the resemblance? William Henry Harrison was supposed to be a "tough" general, so isn't it curious how "he" died of THE COLD a week after he took over? Isn't there something suspicious about that? The truth is that Harrison/Oprah is the only human ever to be created by the Spork and not by the FSM. Its purpose was to take over the U.S. government. However, the Spork of Sporks had a change of plans and Harrison was sent back to be refurbished. Now it has been brought back as Oprah to enslave us!

Oprah/William Henry Harrison is the overall coordinator of drug trafficking worldwide. It (Spork created Abominations do not deserve the pronouns "he" or "she") uses money from drugs to buy weapons and raw materials for the Squirrel Terror and Unimaginable Puissant Ideology Demons (STUPID), the elite vanguard of the Squirrel Army (S.A.).

The Resistance

They shall eat your liver -- WITH SPORKS!

How can you sleep at night, knowing that spork-wielding squirrels wearing pickelhaubes are insidiously taking over the world? It is time, fellow humans, to combat this growing evil. Our cause is just and we shall triumph. Today we will defeat the squirrels! Every squirrel shall be eviscerated, every inkjet printer shall be wrecked, and every plastic spork shall be broken in two. The Spoon and Fork Club and Oprah/William Henry Harrison will be brought to justice and tried for crimes against humanity at the Hague! And the Spork shall be banished from the Earth!

You must tell others of this grand conspiracy. Inaction is murder. When the Squirrel is master of the Earth, they will eat your your liver with sporks. The Spork will terrorize humanity! To prevent this ominous fate you must tell at least 20 people about this grand conspiracy! You might even win a free iPod!

Miscellaneous

What about the CIA?!!??????

Every good conspiracy theory has to include the CIA. I suspect that you are extremely upset that the CIA has been excluded until this section. Fear not, there is an explanation for this. The CIA is really just a subsidiary of the Spoon and Fork Club. Therefore, everything about the Spoon and Fork Club also applies to the CIA.

What are the motives of the Conspirators?

The Spork is pure evil. It is useful, yet nefarious; as a result, its creations are also evil. Ergo, squirrels, inkjet printers, and Oprah/William Henry Harrison hate democracy, civilization, cars, TV etc. They wish to cause suffering. That is why they are conspiring against the humans.