“This helmet may not be very effective in combat, but it sure makes for a good back scratcher!”
The Pickelhaube (German for Pickle hat) was a spiked military helmet invented in the later half of the 19th century that is now worn today in heavy metal and outlaw biker fashion as a form of rebellion against popular fashion trends. It is most commonly seen in all the Germanic countries. It can also be found elsewhere.
The Pickelhaube was originally designed by the very horny[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] King Frederick William IV of Prussia in an attempt to create a sex toy that he could use to pleasure his wife and her friends whenever they came over for parties. He modeled the German Pickelhaube after the Russian military helmet that had a feathery plume at the top which was used to tickle adversaries. The version he designed was made of leather and had half of a pickle glued on top of it. He introduced the Pickelhaube to the Prussian military in October 23, 1842. They said that they would accept it only if he replaced the pickle with something more useful, so he replaced the pickle with an iron spike. This change in design made no difference to his wife, as she could now use the spiked Pickelhaube for sadomasochistic purposes.
The basic Pickelhaube was made of skin from animal bum — usually a cow — that was painted black and wrapped in aluminum foil to keep out insects. The Pickelhaube also included an iron spike at the crown, but the ones with tall spikes (like the one worn by Otto von Bismarck) were reserved for high-ranking military officials, because they were seen as "cooler" than the rest of the military. Early versions of the Pickelhaube had a high crown, but the height gradually reduced due to protests that it looked to much like a certain part of the male anatomy.
Besides the sharp metal pointy thing sticking out the top of it, perhaps the most recognizable feature of the Pickelhaube was the ornamental front plate, which denoted the regiment's province, state, city, house, or cardboard box sitting in the alley. Some of the most common front plate designs included the eagle, the Siamese twin eagle, and the emoticon.
All-metal versions of the Pickelhaube were worn by high-ranking military officials because they hoarded most of the metal that was available. This version also included a curved neck guard to prevent sunburn and to keep birds from pooping on their neck. On the neck guard there was usually a message written on it. The most common message was the phrase "Russen raus!", which was German for "Kiss my ass, Russians".
In 1892, the "Pickelhaube-Cozy" — a variant of the Tea-Cozy — became standard issue for all soldiers wearing the Pickelhaube. This accessory was meant to taunt the enemy and look fabulous at the same time. It also prevented old ladies from running away at the sight of the Pickelhaube.
All helmets produced for the infantry before and during World War I were made of leather or some mystery substance that felt like leather. As the war progressed, they were running out of cows to kill for their leather. Realizing this, they started to make the Pickelhaube out of other materials. Starting in 1915, they started to make the Pickelhaube out of sheet steel, pebbles, and pennies they found on the ground on their way to work. However, the German high command demanded much higher numbers of the Pickelhaube, leading to the usage of old shirts, paper,
people, and cardboard boxes.
During World War I, it was discovered that the Pickelhaube was not all that it was cracked up to be. The leather Pickelhaube didn't do much to protect against shell fragments, and when it became stained, it could not be removed because the Pickelhaube was not machine-washable. Another slight inadequacy was that the spike stuck out over the trenches and threw insults at the opposing force, thus making it an indicator for German troop locations. At the end of World War I, they replaced the Pickelhaube with the Stahlhelm, as they felt it was "less easy to make fun of an upside down cooking pot than it was to make fun of a helmet that made the person wearing it look like a human spear".[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
Today, the Pickelhaube is not seen all that often anymore, but they can still be bought on eBay and placed in a collection, but it still makes for a good kinky sex toy after all these years.
Tactics and Use
The original tactic for use of the Pickelhaube as a weapon was "throw your outlandish hat at the enemy", invented by King Frederick IV. The problem with this tactic was that the Pickelhaube was not very Aerodynamic due to its design, thus it would not travel far if thrown. Sometimes, the wind would blow in the opposite direction that the soldiers were throwing, and the helmet would travel back and end up being impaled in the soldier's eye. For these reasons, use of the Pickelhaube in this fashion was scrapped.
During the Franco-Prussian War, Otto von Bismarck thought of a new tactic for use of the Pickelhaube as a weapon: point your head down until you face the floor and charge blindly at your enemy while screaming like a madman. This tactic was so popular and effective that they even made a game out of it: 5 points if you hit the enemy in the abdomen, 10 points if you hit the enemy in the head, 100 points if you hit the enemy in the crotch, and a trillion points if you hit the enemy in the bum. Through the use of this tactic, the Germans were able to defeat the French, and left them with a painful feeling in their hind quarters.
- The pickle attracted Grues.
- It also blinded the enemy with its luminosity.
- This was the most accurate translation we could find.
- Especially the soldier's grandmothers.