Paper
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This page is or discusses a loony and/or nutty conspiracy theory of which Uncyclopedia vehemently denies knowledge and existence. The black helicopters are not ^on their way. |
Scribing base or more commonly known as Paper is said to be a conspiracy. Many people believe this "Paper" to be made from the crushed wood pulp from trees, in big, bushy forests. But this is not true, and has been covered up by government officials; in reality, PAPER IS PEOPLE!
Conspiracy[edit]
Government Edition[edit]
According to governmental lies, paper is made from the excrement of a probactian space walrus (and the birthing sacks of n00bs); these animals are very dangerous. They are large and green in appearance, they have three tentacles, and a single large tusk protruding from their mouths, that eventually grows and punctures their brain. Beware their calls of "Gragga Bloff!", this usually means they are going to attack your genitals.
While alive they can be some of the most dangerous things on the planet Gremlock 5. Where the three dot prophets; Makashabi (Mah-kah-shaah-bee), Yakatali-salima (yah-kah-tah-lee-sah-lee-maah), and Aracnus Bae (A-rak-nus-bay) carried out their legendary quest for the sword of Dennis John Morrison, a great evil guy who used his sword for evil.
So, in all its glory, paper was created, and evil was thwarted. So as millions of people will never know how paper was truly created, or where is comes from, and what happened before its creation, a chosen few of you will remember the great evil and its destruction, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
Powers, Abilities, Weaknesses and Enemies[edit]
Paper is known to possess a few unique qualities not shared by any other substance known to man (even pie).
Transformation[edit]
Paper has the power to turn into a sick-ass dragon that you can kill all of your enemies with.
Ability to to fly[edit]
It is amazing at this impossible trick. It can sometimes fly as far as Europe or father. Some say its been to heaven and Pluto.
Ability to Beat Rock[edit]
No one knows exactly how it is done, but this fact cannot be disputed. However, the widely accepted notion that paper is afraid of Scissors is largely a falsehood, this is actually a misinterpretation of Geoffrey Paper's allergy to stainless steel.
Military Techniques[edit]
Anyone who holds a significant amount of paper immediately gains knowledge of advanced aircraft and marine techniques.
Be God-like (w/o having to kill someone several times in a row)[edit]
The user will have a sort of God-like ability to create life. Some people call it origami. Those people are communists, and cannot be trusted.
Blade[edit]
A few people have used paper as a weapon, giving people minor cuts that hurt like a bitch. This use of paper is punishable by death in all countries except France.
Color-shifting[edit]
Paper also possess a very little amount of color-shifting techniques however since papers are color-blind they can only change to a yellow-ish shade and this takes two to three grandmas.
Frame Prone[edit]
One of the few weaknesses of paper is the thing we call "frames" but the truth is it is a Kryptonite alloy base that is capable of constricting the powers of paper. Humans have made an alliance with the "frames." It has been used with many paper of noble fiber. The government even went as far as locking the already framed papers in gloomy, silent, boring buildings where you hear the haunting footsteps of the muesum sdraug
Fire[edit]
Most people assume that fire destroys paper. This is a lie. Paper morphs into a gaseous form, ascending to heaven to fight Satin for the glory of silk and cloth.
Common uses[edit]
Clothing[edit]
The use of paper as clothing was invented by a man called Jesus, who was claimed to be the second born son of god, who often advertised and promoted it by wearing it around his waist running around Camden screaming "God forgives you", (coincidentally he looks similar to that of the Santa Claus which a large majority of people worship during the month of December).
Paper was also used by the UN as clothing, which they distributed around some of the worlds poorest countries such as Disneyland Paris. It was also used as armor for UN peacekeeping vehicles. The results were generally unimpressive.
Food[edit]
Its unique properties made it both insulating and edible. This was a plus for the UN because it meant they did not need to send separate shipments of food to these poor areas. Paper was also tested by the late DR Velcro for its radioactive resistant properties, unfortunately whilst testing the paper with the radiation known as gamma a rabid moose attacked and killed him after attempting to mate with him. Yeah
Living Paper[edit]
Although paper may have many uses, it can also be deadly in the situation that you have a rock, and there is a piece of living paper nearby. (see living paper below) When covered by paper, your rock will be completely defenseless and non-usable seeing as it has been covered. It can no longer function as a normal rock. It is doomed to a life of being picked on and sitting in a little corner, cutting itself. Until one day, it decides to do something about its abnormal appearance and hangs itself. Oh crap indeed.
GM Paper is also used by the British government for carrying out their dirty work.
Living paper is one of the greatest fears in the known universe. "Living paper will kill us all." These words were taken from the works of Darth Vader, the world's greatest Strawberry Pizza maker. Some of you will be like living paper that is not real. But this is not so! Some people say Sonic the Hedgehog isn't real, but I have seen him on TV and in games! Also, Nintendo's first M rated game, Paper Mario, only achieved it's murderous rating because of the living paper in it. Why would they create a game about Living Paper if it didn't exist? THEY WOULDN'T LIE ABOUT SUCH THINGS, WOULD THEY?!!??!?!?!!?!?!?!
No Living Paper has been seen since, but their breeding grounds are said to be found in the many pages of books. They could be waiting for you to open up the book and start reading it. Then you turn the page and... IT JUMPS OUT, flapping around wildly around you, giving many paper cuts to the poor victim, scarred for life, never to open another book in his pathetic life! I would be scared if I were you. However, if still you are not afraid after hearing of such a monster, why are you still reading this silly webpage? Do you realize what sort of hero you could be to eliminate the horrid threat of Living Paper? Just remember to bring a shotgun and a pair of scissors wherever you, the Living Paper hunter, take your miserable feet to. (LIVING PAPER BEWARE)In other words if your a shit fuck retard paper is that thing before computers and the internet and the program named notepad came along so only kids use it because the school system is a terrorist who hate technology that was for the kids fuck you kids! You kids just got kicked in yo chest!