“IPods? All manufactured by Apple. Keep it quiet! ”
“This little contraption has saved my life and gotten me out of almost any boring predicament I've ever had.”
iN 1999, the first iPod was found, with tons of pr0n and no good music, deep in the jungles of East Austria. This led researchers to believe ancient civlizations had died for good cause. The ipod was 30ft tall, made of 12carrot gold(the best) and,as thought to be said by the writing on walls in King Tut's tomb, the most highest god of these eartly people.
The iPod, a pathetic attempt at cloning the successful Zune media player, is a money-powered device produced and sold by Apple Inc. It plays anything by Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Bush, and the other Bush. It also has a porn download service built into it ($1,000 extra).
Before adoption by Apple Inc. the idea was presented to Microsoft's CEO Bill Gates who responded with "iPod?! What a shitty idea!" Bill is now sulking next to his Zune.
An instant hit, iPods slowly grew in popularity to '[ theiR posiTiOn iToday as iThe preferred iMobiLe musiCal iDeviCe of iChoiCe for iPeople with more iMoney than iSense. Eventually, you came along and suggested to Apple that they become less hiGh-and-miGhty about themselves; thus, iN an iMpossiBle partnershiP wiTh MiCrosoft, the youPod was created.
iThe iPod imaniFesto istates ithat, iDeally, ieverybody ishould iown ian iPod iand iliSten ito ibad ipop imusiC, iDeally iMadonna iand iU2, iDeally iwhiLe idownloadiNg iGwen Stefani ion ia iPC, iDeally ia iMac, ialthough iMicrosoft isoftware iand iDell iwiLl ibe itolerated iuntiL ithe iNstigation iof ithe iGloriOus irevolutiOn, iotherwiSe iknown ias ithe iVolution.
Here follows an extract from the eighteen million points of the iPod manifesto (inspired by Woodrow Wilson and D.W Griffith's love of racism and white men on white horses).
1. iPod is a(n) product of capitalism, an evil but beneficial for of privately funded economic enterprise. The public generally speaks of this as fair and square, a phrase that sells us several more of our iCuboiDs furtheriNg the cause of iVolutiOn.
3.141591337265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510. PiPod (pronounced "pie-pod") iS the ratiO between the iCircumference and the iDiAmeter of the ciRcular diSc on the front of the iPod.
17376. iPod proposes that the iDea™ of BiG Brother iS preposterous enough for us to iNcorporate iNto our plans for the world. BiG Brother shall be used as a cover for our masquerade, beiNg revealed only when iPod, the true iMaster of the uniVerse, deciDes that the iTiMe iS iRiGht.
1863. iPod jokes include i whatever but there is many things that cannot uuse i in front like iglasses or idrops.
1345782. iPod adviSes that the iM((aniF))esto be kept out of publiC liBrariEs. ipods are dead! cats!
1345783. ((iPod)) suggests that people are encouraged to iDownload the iCensored versiOn oF the maniFesto on theiR iPods.
12436481. Nano technology, when iNvented, shall be used to iNcorporate the iPod iNto the miNds of the populous. AccuspuddingpopsatiOns of the braiNwashiNg powers of the iPod are unfounded and based solely on eviDence stolen from our laboratoriEs.
13000000. Workers of the world uniTe, you have nothiNg to lose but your sense of iNdiViDualiTy, iHumour, iSexualiTy, iSiGht™ and iAdventure that miGht take you beyond iBoundariEs proviDed and regulated by the iPoliCe.
The truth behind the iPod
The iPod was actually found by Jesus (several days after the iPods finding Jesus died). After Jesus's death the iPod went missing later being recoverd in 2001. It dazzle the worlds leading scientists while little to anyones knowledge it could play music! Unfortunately, no one knew that the iPod was advanced, TOO ADVANCED! The iPod was a completely self sustainable machine that had an unlimited amount of battery and, due to the programming of Satan, its one goal was to improve anything and everything that the iPod considered obsolete. With this programming, the iPod would go up to random items, people, wildlife, plants, etc. and would say "You are obsolete!". After having quoted that phrase (which later became its catch phrase when the iPod starred as a stunt double in the movie A.I.), the iPod would then left click tools scroll down and then select "Convert to Components". After converting to components would then intergrate the components into itself making it ----larger---- smaller and more advanced. At one point, the iPod reached complete advancement after which created a new program for itself. Its new task was to making everything left into improved versions of themselves. Making up to and over v18.104.22.1689 of almost everything that it didn't intergrate into itself up, until the iPod got bored with its repedative task and decided to make an improved copy of its self. This was BBBBBBBBAAAAAADDDDDDDD!!!!!!! after making an improved version of itself the improved version: iPod v0.0.00.001 integrated the older version into itself making it even more advanced. This resulted in each new iPod improving itself and intergrating the older version over and over until an error occurred on version: v6666666666666666666Yoda
The iPod v666(for short) didn't copy itself; instead it copied earth than absorbed the copy and THE ORIGINAL after that it became so advanced that it absorbed the galaxies and during its travels absorbed a blackhole and eventually absorbed the universe leaving just itself in a vast amount of nothingness. Until it absorbed itself. Leaving nothing but nothingness behind..... except Uncyclopedia... and Meryl Streep...
Known Errors and Flaws
Because iPods were developed by kiTtens and rushed to the market so quiCkly, the iPod iS a poorly desiGned deviCe.
- Even though iT runs on MS-DOS, the kiTtens iNcluded ported versiOns of WiNdows errors to make users feel more at home wiTh the new iNterface.
- Users have found iT prone to errors iNcluding the dreaded BSOD.
- The iPod iS partiCularly piCky about the types of musiC iT wiLl accept for transfer. For example, the accompanyiNg software recogniSes and rejects downloads of any song from the 1960s 70s and 80s, especially anything by an unsigned or indie band. Such music can lead to frequent hard drive malfunction and default back ot the original song contents usually set to Justin Timberlake and the Pussycat Dolls.
- UsiNg the new iPod Nahobo genesisno can cause rectal ipain.
- If you are lucky it doesn't cause you severe depression, and if it breaks before the warranty is up, by the time apple decides to do anything, the warranty is over, cos they are slack
iNew iReleases and iVariAtiOns
- iVarious iPods have been released and preceded, including:
- iCarly- see this article
- iPod iMicro - iHolds 50,001 songs, iPhoto, iHD video compatible, uses technology stolen from CL7 to cook Apple ][s
- iPod iPequeño - iHolds 1,000,000 songs, iPhoto, iHD video compatible, iCalendar goes up to year 9,000
- iPod iInvisa - iHolds 8,000,000 songs, every photo ever taken, iPong, iWatch with 48 hour clock
- iDick its long and hard baby!!!
- iPod iMiniscula - iHolds 60,000,000 songs, every photo that will be taken, and an iCalendar to year 200,000
- iGod - iThe iGod is equipped with a googolplexian yottabytes(iYB). iThe memmory capacity allows, literally, all the knowledge of the universe in mp3, txt and mpeg4 formats. iIt should be noted that it destroy all iProducts it comes in contact with (including itself) within a four mile radius if its iBattery is fully (or half-way, or not at all) charged. iThe iGod is only possessed by iBill iGates and iVladimir iPutin (who iStole it from iGates) but is set to be on the black market in . The iGod can not possibly be stolen because it is too heavy to carry more than half a meter every month.
- iCod - Waterproof version of the standard player. Must be kept in water at all times to avoid malfunction. Powered by feeding it bread once a day. When battery dies completely, iCod can be dipped in batter and eaten with deep-fried potatoe slices called Chips
- iDodd - As well as holding over 50,000 songs (all about Diddy Men), this player is also capable of advising you about tax returns, satellite navigation (as long as you want to go to Notty Ash) and generally being fucking irritating. Avoid this model.
- iPood - a toilet with built in music player, which is activated by flushing the toilet.
- iRaq - As well as holding iNukes, it is unstable and ready to destroy everyone that ever came iN contact.
- Unfortunately, the iPod iMini was misnamed, as iT iS actually the siZe of a Rover iMini car by Rover. iPod miNis may only be purchased by people—men or women—who enter the store wearing a miNi-skiRt. ThiS requiRement iS waiVed iN Scotland.* ** * The iButt, to be released iN 2007, iS the next step iN the miNd-control that pervades Apple Corp. iN testiNg, users experiEnced euphoriA comparable only wiTh kitten huffing.
- A deviCe called the iPod Photo iS now on the market, but buyers should note that iT iS not actually an iPod, but just a photo of one.
- The iPod Shuffle has been noted to shuffle repeatedly iNstead of staying put. iT's about the wiDth of a man's thumb and iS often found stuck iN relatiVely the same places as saiD thumb. iPod Shuffles may only be purchased by people who move to or viSiT Buffalo, New York.
- The Hewlett-Packard versiOn of the iPod, which iS sometimes known as the hPod, also doubles as a Hydrogen Bomb. iT iS conviEniEntly pocket siZed.
- Another versiOn of the iPod, produced under a liCensiNg agreement wiTh Pamela Anderson, iS the dPod.
- On October 12, Steve Jobs announced the new 10-pound iPod Gigantor. Features iNclude a 17 iNch display to look at photos and pr0n, 500GB HD space to store pr0n, and a handy carryiNg case.
- The DoomPod iS an iPod made for Penguins iN the Arctic and Antarctic regiOn to play Doom.
- The iPod Seal iS an iPod made of Seals.
- There was an unsuccessful marketiNg campaiGn in MexiCo for the Apple iPot.
- The iPod staple, whiCh comes stapled to your head for conveniEnce and that "i'Ve got an iPod stapled to my head!" look.
- The iPodendo iS an NES emulator that plays ROM iMages. iT iS also capable of playiNg MP3s, NES soundtrack code, and other appliCatiOns.
- Also, the PiPod was featured by Weebl and Bob
- The revPod was desiGned as a variAtiOn of the RevolutiOntendo for miLiTary soldiErs to liSten to jams on; and to explode on enemy turf when necessary.
- Oftenly has been miStaken as a remote control.
- iPod has been known to cause peoples heads to asplode.
- iPods can be miStaked as bombs to old people and some dogs. The iBomb can be related to stuff blowiNg up.
- iPods can be used as replacement WiiMots for the Nintendo Wii
- Central TraiNs use iPods to control theiR traiNs and generate excuses
- A never seen before variant of the iPod was made, and iS called the iBlade. iT iS commonly used as a method of reliEviNg oneself of spammers, and of heartless emotiOn by cuttiNg of the wriSts. iT iS also a handy letter-opener.
- iPod Flea iS the siZe of a tiCk tack and can play your favoriTe song over and over agaiN! To liSten to an album you wiLl need to buy the Flea collar and to buy songs you can go to the onliNe Apple FleaMarket!
- iGay iS an iPod that actiVates the homosexual hormone iN order to breed more homosexuals.
- It has been proven, that every time you charge your iPod, Steve Jobs eats a baby.
Product Application Notes
Use a piRated software program called iKnowNothiNgAboutCopyriGhtedTunes to share fiLes and musiC with foreiGn Websites and transfer them to your iPod. iF you have an iPod or some variAtiOn thereof, you can use iT for the followiNg:
- Address Book: ViEw the liTtle black book of Madam HeiDi FleiSs to veriFy that your husband's name does not appear.
- Calendar FunctiOn: Schedule tiMes to meet wiTh your crack dealer or your future mother-in-law, whiChever iS the least offensiVe. You can even schedule your upcomiNg nuptiAls well iN advance, but don't bother. After a few months of haviNg thiS deviCe wiRed permanently to your craniUm, iT's unliKely anyone wiLl want to marry you. Your heariNg, health, and verbal and sociAl skiLls wiLl be so badly damaged, the only optiOn left for you wiLl be to joiN a nunnery.
- AudiO FiLes: Your iPod can double as a diGiTal voiCe recorder, iF you have enough diScretiOnary iNcome to purchase all the addiTiOnal overpriCed accessoriEs that are endlessly marketed to weak-miNded consumers. Use your iPod to record class notes so you can cheat on a hiStory test, all the whiLe claiMiNg you're really liSteniNg to musiC.
- Alarm Clock: Set your iPod to go off at iNappropriAte tiMes, liKe 2:00 AM, when your stepdad iS tryiNg to get a decent niGht's sleep before hiS early morniNg work shiFt. Leave the deviCe on your mother's piLlow, but only on niGhts when she has to wake at 5:00 AM to make an iMportant busiNess meetiNg.
- AciD: After your iPod iS permanently wiRed to your braiN, you can make iT giVe you iMages of briGhtly colored backgrounds agaiNst whiCh you are turned iNto a siLhouette and forced to dance around liKe an iDiot. This optiOn iS especiAlly popular iN San Francisco.
- Games: Play cute sex games downloadable from that porn siTe your mom doesn't know about, especiAlly siNce you somehow managed to defeat the securiTy software she iNstalled. Other games iNvolve NES rom iMages for the iPodendo.
- iBrator: HotwiRe the iNternal workiNgs so the whole case shiMmiEs to and fro whiLe iT's iN your front jeans pocket. (Also see iPod Shuffle.) mmmmmmmmmmmmm~.
- Chemotherapy: HotwiRe the iNternal workiNgs so you can save a bundle on your health iNsurance.
TiPs for usiNg iPod
Here are a few neat iDeas for gettiNg the most out of your iPod.
- Spy KiDs: Whenever you wear your iPod headset, leave one ear bud sliGhtly askew so you can stiLl hear your parents talkiNg. ThiS allows you to selectiVely iGnore comments that don't iNterest you, whiLe siMultaneously enabliNg you to chiMe iN whenever your attiTude, taste iN musiC, or maturiTy are questiOned.
- Food PyramiD: iPods should never be miStaken for bologna, frankly because they are more liKely to resemble moldy cheese. iPods make terriBle miLkshakes. Do not put your iPod iN the blender with ice cream. However, iT's perfectly okay to substiTute iPod Shuffles for piNeapple chunks iN liMe Jello. iT iS also okay to substitute an iPod shuffle for a poptart. iPod nanos can be consiDered go-tarts.
- TraiNiNg AniMals iT iS easy to traiN your dog the basiC commands liKe 'siT', 'stay' and 'shoot' wiTh your iPod. SiMply hold down the foreword button and poiNt the iPod at your dog and yell the command untiL you a) get bored, or b) someone asks what the hell you are doiNg.
- Crafts Projects: Never spread glue on an iPod. iT makes iT harder to remove iT from your pocket. iNvest iN a heavy-duty hammer to flatten the iPod for scrapbookiNg purposes.
- Brotherly Love: Your liTtle brother wiLl benefit greatly iF you show hiM how to shove an iPod Shuffle up hiS nose. iT's uncomfortable and takes a lot of practiCe, but iT's well worth iT. Make sure you have a diGiTal camera ready to record the results.
- Toilet Paper: the ipod is a great way to clean up after itself why would you want an ipod!
Refresh your iPod addiCtiOn wiTh the followiNg wonderful new add-ons and gadgets.
- iSpi place the iPod up to a wall, and you can see though iT. Great for giRl's locker rooms.
- iDontKnowWhatYou'reTalkingAbout: so here's a picture of a bunny with a pancake on its head.
- iWasherAndDrIer: Washes your clothes and driEs them whiLe you liSten to your 'tunes.
- iPot: SiT back and relax as iPot sooths your iSoul. ThiS new iPod has all new colorful screen effects to enjoy your iPot even more and come wiTh a compliMentary track of your choiCe by Bob Marley and Alex Greco.
- iDon'tgiveashit iSeriousleydon'tgiveashit
- iStink: iStink giVes you 24hrs of apple scented freshness
- iOU: iOU money, im going to pay it back
- iSoviet: this app plays you
- iBrick: iBrick converts from an iPod to a doorstop after your iWarranty iExpires
- iNcest: iNcest giVes you and your chiLdren hours of pleasure
- pod!: iPod upside down, an appliCation which turns the screen the wrong way around
- iJklmnopqrstuvwxyz: Teaches the full alphabet
- iRon: 1000 hours of musiC whiLe you iRon your clothes (earphones not iNcluded, although iT's also possiBle to liSten to the relaxiNg sound of siZzliNg meat and skiN by placing the heated part of the iRon to your ear or other part of the body). ConnectiOn to an alternate and a contiNuous current requiRed.
- iPood: SpeciAly desiGned for those who have iBs, iPood iS a new product that prevents shiT going everywhere
- iPwnYou: iJust pawned you
- iRetard: Keep your retards iN liNe with thiS! iF you catch them jerkiNg off to gay porn just stiCk the cattle prod attachment found below the strap on diLdo attachment and apply pressure to iNeck. iF that doesn't work then cum on them wiTh your iSpooge.
- iNviSiBle: iNviSiBle Makes your iPod nano 69 times smaller
- iSpooge: ThiS iS used to create cum, can't guarantee your mother wont get pregnant whiLe usiNg thiS.
- iRection: In conjuctiOn wiTh PfiZer Corps comes the latest iN bedroom accessoriEs, the iRection comes iN buiLt with 10 doses of MycoxafloppiN, and MydiXafaiLiN, the sciEnce style names for the maiN iNgredient of Valium. Now, wiTh all these iCcessories, iF only you had an iGiRl.
- iStink The fiRst iPod to iDouble as an iDeoderant. Be iPrepared for unrelentiNg iFemale iAttention and or iLate iNights.
- iNoahiPod modiFiEd by Noah for use on hiS ark.
- iLaunch A revolutionary technology perfect for launching the latest iPod accessory at a corporate event designed by Apple in 2006.
- iBomb ThiS cool iPod can blow up at any tiMe, wiTh a siNgle touch on the pad. BatteriEs not iNcluded.
- iBottle ThiS new iPod accesory allows you to strap your iPod to a 4 gallon water bottle. GiVe to the people you hate because all people who aren't iDiots know that iPods aren't water proof!
- iBrator -Give Eve her apple
- iFUCK: you
- iCat An accesory for your iPod that lets you take your tunes wherever your cat goes.
- iFairy: ThiS accessory allows you to plan ahead for those speciAl occasions where you are sure to be the giFt reciPiEnt. Every tiMe you connect your iPod to your computer, iT transfers the browser hiStory of shopping siTe pages to your iPod and creates a liSt of "gotta haves". On November 25, or any date you wiSh, the iPod automatiCally emaiLs a copy of your liSt to Jebus, Hanukkah Harry, or whatever fantasy character you desiGnate, wiTh a CC to your parents.
- iQuit: A very useful accessory desiGned to keep the human populatiOn in check. The iQuit teaches the user the many fun arts of suiCiDe. Bought mostly by men who hate theiR mother-iN-laws.
- iRish: Blatantly the most stupid invention ever!!!
- iSmell: The iSmell PeriPheral allows you to download diGiTiZed odors that you can play at wiLl, especiAlly duriNg a bad prom date. FavoriTe downloads iNclude bean fart, hotdog burp, and semester-long locker room T-shiRt.
- iLost: The new Apple project that, hopefully, wiLl help iT enter the GPS busiNess by allowiNg you to liSten to musiC whiLe desperately tryiNg to fiNd the riGht road.
- iLard iLard 2.0, from iCantthinkofagoodaccessory Co., can remove some of your extra fat iN only 3 hours. Also has a new "Fat Detector" for scopiNg out fellow overweiGht people from up to 1 miLe! System RequiRements: Mac OS X-tra Large, 300 LB of storage, and iLipo jack for optiOnal suctiOn tube attachment not compatiBle wiTh WiNdows XL Fat EdiTiOn. Only 50 payments of 100 iDollars!
- iAsk and iAnswer two iGadgets wiTh extremely advanced voiCe and word recogniTiOn sensors and talking systems. Here is an example of an interestiNg conversatiOn between an iAnswer and iT's owner.
-Owner- Hello! What's your name?
-Owner- Um...OK! How old are you then?
-Owner- Is everything all right with you?
-Owner- There's clearly something wrong with you!
-Owner- Um... can you hear me?
-Owner-AAAAAAAAAAAA! I can't take it anymore!
And an even more iNtrestiNg conversatiOn between an iAsk and an iAnswer.
As you can see, they are amaziNgly iNtelliGent. Buy your iAsk and iAnswer set now along iAnswer earphones!
- iGum Ever just bored and siTtiNg around doiNg nothiNg? Well, wiTh iGum, you can chew your musiC! .... ok you come up with an iDea... jeez
- iGun A favoriTe iN DetroiT
- iHop Makes pancakes and sasuage
- iSplode wiLl make your head a splode by liSteniNg
- iWaxPod: Seven miLliOn stoned iPod users can't be wrong. They were enliSted to help desiGn thiS uniQue product used to store your iPod earphones. An iWaxPod iS a leftover plastiC egg fiShed out of the dumpster at the end of Easter. iF you don't have a dumpster iN your backyard, substiTute a piLl bottle.
- iWetsuiT: Protects your iPod from beiNg knocked about whiLe iN your backpack. The iWetsuiT iS made of the same thiCk neoprene materiAl reserved for wiNter scuba diViNg attiRe, but wiTh extra ziPpers and pockets to store hundreds of iPod accessoriEs. The iWetsuiT unfolds iNto a full length outfiT you can wear whiLe liSteniNg to your iPod underwater. Folded, the iWetsuiT measures 12 by 24 by 4 iNches, and makes a great eviDence-free weapon for smackiNg classmates iN the head duriNg passiNg periOd. Please remove your iPod before attemptiNg to operate iT, as the statiC electriCiTy buiLd-up of the iWetsuiT can cause electrocutiOn.
- iLaundry: AutomatiCally diSpenses liQuiD detergent when user’s clothes start to smell. iLaundry then osciLlates viOlently for a periOd of 25 miNutes, then riNses wiTh cold water. ThiS accessory iS only recommended when usiNg the iWetsuiT.
- iHeil: Back duriNg WWII, Apple manufactured theiR iHeil. The product allowed German NaziS to liSten to theiR favoriTe tunes whiLe fiGhtiNg. iT was hugely successful. The deviCe consiSts of a wriSt strap that holds the iPod comfortably iN place. iT was desiGned maiNly for the Nazi'S maiN posiTiOn: the salute.
- iThiNk: iN less than a week, speak 13 foreiGn languages fluently, master every martiAl art known to man, and joiN an underground rebelliOn. The iThiNk attachment plugs diRectly iNto the language processiNg and reasoniNg centers of your braiN by way of a jack on the back of your neck. MatriX iNterface software iS iNcluded at no extra cost. RequiRes submiSsiOn to communiSt iDeals.
- iForget: Uhh... iForgot what thiS one does....
- iRemember Uhh... iDamn, iI was itoo ibusy istudying ithe iI's ithat iI iforgot iagain. i.
- iBox: Lets you play Crappy games on your iPod, wiTh a 2 miNute liFespan of your battery.
- iStupiD: iF you are iNcapable of beiNg stupid, then iStupiD iS for you. iStupiD comes wiTh 34 diFferent portable softwares that wiLl enhance one's capabiLiTiEs of mental retardation anywhere.
- iSpy: WITH MY LITTLE EYE, SOMETHING BEGGINING WITH i!!!
"iI c4n't b3li3v3 th3 r3sults of the iStupiD softw4r3s!!!!!11 iI notiC3d th3 diFf3r3nc3 th3 s3cond d4y wh3n i b4shed my h34d iNto my n3ighbor's dog! Only 4ft3r 2 w3333ks, i'V3 b3g4n to iNj3ct morphiN3 iNto mys3lf! Aft3r the full 6 month p3riOd, i'V3 beg4n to w4tch MTV and 5p34|< |n 1337!!!!111!11!!1 4nyon3 c4n b3 a full fl3dg3d iDiOt by usiNg iStupiD!" ~ iStupiD customer
- iKKK:Apple's raciAlly controversiAl supporters. Set of three. Comes wiTh flaming cross and x-rated raciAl remarks.
- iOMG: OMG THiS iS SO AWESOME LiKE OMG iTS SO GANGSTER OMG OMG OMG OMG
- iNnoy: iMports the MiCrosoft papercliP, whiCh pops up whenever you turn on your iPod. " iT looks liKe your goiNg to liSten to a song."
- iTunes: That iS what WiNdows MediA Player iS for.
- iTrip: Was fiRst thought to be an accessory for the iPod allowiNg iT to transmiT FM frequenciEs, has shown to also be able to broadcast braiN waves causiNg the user to temporariLy black out, and fall. Product has caused many fataliTiEs. Use at your own riSk.
- iKill: Was noted Self Explanetory
- iShiT: (upgrade to the iCrap) iTs so good, because iT enhances your shiT to super shit
- First Gen iPwn the iPwn first generatiON is like... grooooovy!
- Latest iPwn The iPwn has many pwn features for iNstance the n00b Seek and Destroy feature where iT actually fiNds n00bs and pwns them for you.
- iMug The iMug iS capable of iNcreasing your chances of gettiNg mugged whiLe carryiNg your iPod iN dark alleys.
- iVirus Causes any iProduct to malfunctiOn, diSplayiNg iSuck on the screen. ThiS allows for anyone to get iNsurance money from Apple and buy a real thiNg.
- iCondom Stop your iPod from beiNg african... BUY AN iCONDOM
- iMaturiTy For non-iMature people. ThiS, however, was quiCkly diScontiNued after iT was diScovered that those who buy iPods have thiS already had thiS as an attriBute of theiR personaliTy.
- iSuk Although iT may be an unnecessary accesory, the iSuk iS maiNly equiPped on every siNgle iTem the MaciNtosh has ever sold. The iSuk was the basiS for the very fiRst piEce of shiT computer they sold. Feature iNclude: Low battery liFe, miSsiNg piXels, iNcompatiBiLiTy wiTh 90% of programs, iTchy watery eyes, anal seepage, hiGh iNsurance rates, and geniTal herpes.
- iMoticons For when you are too lazy to maniPulate your face iNto an expression, but you are too stupiD to get a regular emotiCon
- iDiLdoPlay your iTunes whiLe gettiNg a real workout!
- iSabi?????? iI wiLl let you fiGure that out.
- iVasectomy You know what thiS does.
- iBalls The newest iPod out from Apple not only can suck your balls iT doubles as a vacuum.
- iTorso iN the worst ciRcumstances your torso gets chopped off you can buy iTorso and rock out liKe a quadriPlegiC.
- iLiMb an addiTiOn to iTorso add a leg or arm to iTorso for only 10 easy payments of $14.99!!!
- iPot assiSts your iPod iN kiLliNg brane sellzz... ya...
- iPORN What a Lemon uses to get hiS pleasures.
- iBliNd All your favoriTe songs in braiL!
- iDeaf MusiC for the heariNg iMpaiRed!
- iGayPORN What a care bear uses to get hiS pleasures.
- iFart What you lookiN at?!
- iHole put thiNgs iN iT for pleasure.
- iShotgun useful to mobster who need to make a hiT and love to liSten to Garth
- iBeatyourMeat HJ on the go.
- iAmYourMother Self explaining.
- iRan Shoes that play your music and smells.
- Islam Join to slam tall towers for fun...yeah.
- iSuck You sucking
- iBomber A vogue accesory among youngs. Useful for bodyrock Jihad on your infedels.
- iAAAAAAAAA! AA AAAAAAAAA AAAA AAAA AAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAA AAAA AAAA
- iMacintosh A 3rd-D app in the Apple iI.
- iShit SELF EXPLiNiNG...
- iPad for those with Chicago accents
- iDildo The first and only sex toy that penetrates you in two ways at the same time, through your Vagina and your ears.
- iReally-need-to-go An addition to the iSHit
- iRape' you attach to the outside of the ipod and it then rapes you yes you the preson reading
- iK-47 Listen to your favorite muslim chants while massacring infidels.
- Mi-6 apple's new intelligence agency in a box. Note: Pre-2005 models may make mistakes and label electricians as terorists.
- iGasm all the uses of a partner with all the need of a thumb.
- iDied for those fuckiNg emos who kiLled themselves.
- jPod the new ediTiOn of the iPod, the jPod iS so much better, people jUmp off of cliFfs to get iT.
- iCharge Allows you to charge your lazer
- iFire Sequal to iCharge where you fire your lazer
- iGrue Contains the top-ten music hits according to the Grue-MTV awards 2010. Some of
- iBLAH the final of the iCharge trilogy. In this you get burnt to a crisp
“Why not just make an iPod with speakers?”
On theiR never endiNg quest to riViTaliZe technology, Apple released the iPod DockiNg StatiOn (PossiBle attempting to create a more resiLiAnt alternatiVe to theiR iPod headphones, whiCh break iF exposed to sound). Although to some iT may appear liTtle more than a paiR of cheap speakers glued together, the dockiNg station iS most indeed a fresh and iNnovatiVe deviCe, utiLiZiNg an abstract dockiNg port to ensure that, unliKe other mere sound output deviCes, iT's good for absolutely nothiNg but playiNg an iPod (for conveniEnce). It was a biG hiT amongst dediCated iPod liStenerS, not satiSfiEd by weariNg theiR headphones around theiR neck on full volume, to make sure everyone around them knows exactly what they're liSteniNg to, so to demonstrate theiR iNvariAbly excellent taste iN musiC. It's also a favoriTe for Mac users wantiNg to drown out the sound of criTiCiSm, with an ongoiNg track of them selVes goiNg 'La-la-la-la-la-la-la!(ProfessiOnally miXed with Pro Tools), as criTiCiSm is the only thing that can send them back to the fiFth diMensiOn, where they belong. Of course, giVen the ever growiNg demand for diVersiTy in modern culture, making iT iN 250 diFferent shapes and siZes was a must. Many collectors have gone mad and cut theiR eyes and ears out tryiNg to fiGure out just what the fuck the diFference between them iS.
Have Your own iPod!
WiTh the advance of the iOdd technologiEs, today you may have your own iPog! These aniMals aren't just liKe the iJapanese TamagoshiS, they act almost liKe normal dogs!. You can iFeed them by theiR iMetalliC cable, whiCh works as a modern straw. By connectiNg them iNto a iFeediNg Terminal, the iPog sucks all the energy from your iHouse. iT wouldn't happen, iF you had an iHouse. DespiTe that facts, iPog are somewhat cool, and they do not bark liKe a dog everytiMe, just iF you download that noiSe. They usually bark worse songs, liKe RolliNg Stones choiR iN 2056. TheiR earplugs are both ears and rope, that you can use to hang yourself whenever you need. Very useful. You may fiNd iPog pet shops in iRan, iRaq, iTaly, iDaho, iLliNoiS and iOwa. Or even saying iLoveu cappucino with a simple touch of iCe
Where to Get Your Own iPod
iPods are the one of the most coveted deviCes on the market today, coming iN second only to solar-powered nose haiR cliPpers. Here iS an age-by-age guiDe to where you can acquiRe your own iPod.
- ProtectiOn Racket (Elementary school): Schoolyard chums are more than wiLliNg to giVe you an iPod at no cost to you. All you need do iS to promiSe to shiEld them from bulliEs. Of course, you're not responsiBle for what miGht happen to them iF they aren't your friEnds.
- Locker Rooms (HiGh School): Hang out whiLe your classmates, play volleyball, or practiCe cheerleadiNg. Open an unsecured locker or two and help yourself. That jerk doesn't deserve an iPod anyway... riCh bastard! TiP: Cover the securiTy system camera wiTh shaviNg cream beforehand.
- Up you butt and around the corner (your own one): StiCk two fiNgers up your butt (preferably the iNdex and thumb) and then piNch, and pull out. (miGht need some cleaning before use)
- Treasure Hunt (College Student): iNvest iN one of those metal detectors so you can diG up an abandoned iPod or two on the nearby college campus. Most students know Mom and Dad wiLl cough up money to replace an iPod "stolen" or "lost" duriNg the semester. iF you can't fiNd one iN the grass, try dumpster-diViNg around the end of the year, or siMply open a nearby unattended backpack. iMagiNe how grateful your dorm roomiE wiLl be when you present hiM wiTh a previOusly-owned iPod to replace hiS previOusly "lost" or "stolen" one! But he wiLl eventually lose iNterest and go back to biNge driNkiNg and unprotected sex.
- Subway Stud (Young Urban ProfessiOnal): You can get your choiCe of iPod models iF you travel London mass transiT systems. Just poiNt out a potentiAl terroriSt attack to diStract the owner, grab the iPod, and run. Chances are, no one wiLl notiCe iN all the mass confusiOn and hysteriA. Another variAnt of thiS iS to fiNd a guy wiTh an iPod, tell the cops he's a BraziLiAn electrician, and take the iPod off of hiS body when they shoot hiM.
- Apple Store (Homemaker): Moms can fiNd iPods iN the produce sectiOn of theiR neiGhborhood Safeway stores, riGht next to the bruiSed bananas. There are seven variEtiEs of iPods, iNcludiNg iJonathan, iWiNesap, and iGrannySmiTh. iF the store iS out of iPods, check the purses of other shoppers, whiCh normally happen to abandoned for a few seconds iN a shoppiNg cart. You may also get your "mac"matiCiAn certiFiCatiOn at thiS store.
- Game of Fetch (seniOr ciTiZen): ViSiT your local area park, upon locatiNg your nearest fellow seniOr you should quiCkly tap hiM on one shoulder and run around to the other siDe, whiLe hiS old neck creaks around to look for you, steal hiS cane and throw iT a few yards away. When he goes to get iT, take hiS iPod, as everyone has them these days. (iF you are not capable, just take iT, he's bound to not iNotiCe anyway)
- NiNtendo Store (viDeo game enthuiAst): People can play NES games on the iPodendo.
- A pocket (miDdle school): Rarely, you may see someone have theiR iPod in theiR pocket. iN order to gaiN possesiOn, reach iNto theiR pocket, and pull iT out. RunniNg iS recommended duriNg thiS procedure. Afterwards, claiM that you have acciDentally broken iT, and "promiSe" that you wiLl buy them a new one. Actually buyiNg them another one iS not iNtended.
- North Korea Commonly fouNd on sidewalks in metropolitian areas and takeN in exchange for a clone of AlisoN Krauss. Caution must be taken when approching North Korean ipods however, they will commonly expel large ammounts of buTter and the ocCasional Fender Telecaster
- Your Mother (Anyone who has one): iT's somehwere on your mother's body, you just need to fiNd iT. Try lookiNg by her ass.
iPod in Popular Culture
“iPods are a marvelous fruit, the most marvelous fruit I know. Their smell recalls the living rain, their taste the freshest snow.”
[thiS iS also known as 'iPop']
- The iPod iS frequently mentiOned iN Schindler's Christmas List.
- You can't go down a fuckiNg street wiThout seeiNg one, even iN the projects.
- Everyone has an iPod, iHave an iPod, myDog has an iPod. except you, u-Don't have an iPod, you are not cool enough.
- All members of the ACLU own iPods.
iCan't Believe iT's Not iPod
iCan't Believe iT's Not iPod, MiCrosoft's attempt at cashiNg iN on the lucratiVe iPod market.
Can iT really cause Cancer?
iT has been proven that iPods cause cancer. Doctor Dre has done research on the subject for over 30 years. The iPod contains a radiOactiVe sound diStriButor iN iTs fliMsy ear buds. When the volume reaches a certaiN volume level the radiO actiVe sound diStriButer(RASD) actiVates causiNg maliGnant tumors and spontaneouss combustiOn. It also may cause ball cancer if placed in any males pockets.
What to do when you encounter an iPod
Keep iN miNd that iPods are very terriToriAl creatures, liKe cats. They don't react well to other iTunes liBrariEs, and wiLl hiSs and spiT iF you corner them iN another liBrary. They are most dangerous when cornered. They wiLl pull out a kniFe iF they aren't updated to the latest versiOn of software. Try not to take any of iTs songs, either. Once a song enters the iPod, iT can never come out after iT sprays iT wiTh an aciD whiCh converts all fiLes iNto .m4p fiLes. Then they melt and ooze and you don't wanna touch 'em. Gross. PlayiNg DVDs on your iPod? iF you're not NorwegiAn, then forget about iT. They spiT these up iN haiRballs out of theiR USB cables. Rub iTs cliCk wheel softly untiL iTs screen briGhtness goes down. Then you can keep iT horny wiTh some iPorn whiLe you hiT iT with a sack fulla penniEs (CanadiAn penniEs won't work, George Castanza). Now you can briNg iT up to the cashiEr and cough up a mere $300 to take the liL' bugger home.
- WarniNg As iT iS liKe cats, iT wiLl get even more piSsed iF you already place iT near a MiCrosoft Zune, whiCh are liKe biTches..err dogs.
The iPod Software
- iPod software is often known to be regularly updates. Records show that there is 17million updates(the software is updates every 7 seconds).
- Also, iPod software must be used in life support machines, air traffic controlling stations, nuclear power plants, or anywhere else where the program's failure could compromise human livelihood.
- iT iS a little known fact that the iPod comes with an "Easter Egg" - a scale! Just place your iPod on the ground (iConcrete seems to work best), put on wooden shoes, and step on the iPod. The scale will automatically appear.