I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

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I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

Theatrical Movie Poster
Release Date: Summer, 2006
Genre: Family
Starring: Gordon Freeman
Featuring: Michelle Pfeiffer
Director: Mel Gibson
Producer: David Cameron
Budget: 200 Pounds, Quartered

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is a 2006 non-fiction documentation film about a government conspiracy, in which the general American public are forced to believe that a new brand, "Super Butter", released by the NSA, is actually butter. Several scientists find out that Super Butter actually contains nicotine, and no bacterial transformation whatsoever, and attempt to tell the public about this discovery. However, not long after the discovery, the government finds out, and starts a manhunt, looking for the scientists.


Five scientists (David, Gordon, John, Asher, and Mary[1]), who are loyal supporters of Anchor® butter, receive a letter from the government, stating that they are offering free samples of "Super Butter: an enhanced version of butter while still retaining the classification of butter" at all shopping malls, and a list of the many reasons why it is better than all other butter, including spreadable butter. The scientists, knowing that Anchor® wouldn't ruin their perfect recipe, decide not to have samples.

A week later, John realizes that nearly all his friends seem to have an addiction to Super Butter, getting cranky if they do not get their fix of Super Butter. Asher obtains a sample of Super Butter, and after the scientists experiment on the sample, they discover that there are so many things wrong with Super Butter it can't possibly be butter. For example: there's no bacterial transformation of milk, as there is no milk or bacteria in it. The one thing that surprises the scientists is that Super Butter actually contains nicotine, which explains the almost obsessive addiction their friends have.

Mary then begins to print some pamphlets stating the actual contents of Super Butter, and the scientists each hand 10 out to their friends. However, one of their "friends" was actually an NSA agent dressed up as one of their friends. The pamphlet is immediately sent to the NSA central Administration using a phone-scanner, and a manhunt ensues. David, who delivered the pamphlet to his "friend", is followed to his car. He picks up McDonald's® on his way back to the lab, but when he returns to his car, he gets sniped by a sniper.

Two days later, the four remaining scientists receive a phonecall, only to discover that it's David's "Sorry but I'm dead" AI device (one of David's own Inventions). They break up after a radio intercept points out that the NSA have located their lab and that a really large nuke is aimed at their lab. Each grab their Radios, H.E.V suits, and escape in separate cars. Just moments after they get out of their Township, the nuke hits the lab, with the explosion barely missing them.

John heads for one of the shopping malls, but gets hungry and goes to the McDonald's® instead. Asher heads for the local media to tell them about their findings. Mary heads to France to get the French Military on their side. Gordon picks up a dildo and heads towards the NSA central administration.

Mary explains the French are our only hope.

At McDonald's, John becomes shocked to see David's dead body lying around. As he reports it to the others over the radio, he gets sniped in the face by the same sniper. Meanwhile, the sniper celebrates as he finally nailed a "360 no-scope". A message is sent to all the others, by Mary, warning them not to go to any McDonald's outlet, for fear that they may be sniped by a sniper who has managed to achieve the legendary "360 no-scope". Gordon becomes hungry, but due to this warning, he decides to go to KFC® instead.

He goes to the nearest KFC® he can find, but unfortunately, the teller does not understand sign-language, seeing as Gordon has never been able to speak. He then goes upstairs to talk to the manager, but he finds the manager tied to his chair, and a sniper pointing his middle finger out the window. Gordon taps the sniper on the shoulder, and smacks him on the head with the dildo, knocking him out. Looking out the window, Gordon sees John's and David's dead bodies lying around at a McDonald's®. Unfortunately, the sniper wakes up, and a fight ensues. The sniper is eventually thrown out the window, and Gordon takes the sniper rifle with him.

Mary makes it to the airport successfully; however, after showing her passport, airport security takes her away and puts her into a limousine with tinted windows. Over her radio, she makes sign-language using her video message protocol, informing the others that she has been captured, and that she can't make any noise. Gordon sends a video message, using sign-language, informing the others that the sniper who took David and John down has been eliminated. Asher says "What are you guys smoking right now?" over the radio, and the limousine drivers are alerted to the fact that Mary has a radio. The radio is confiscated, and Mary is knocked out.

Asher manages to get to the TV studio safely, and a recording is made. But just a short moment before the news begins, the studio power is cut, and an assault on the studio begins. Meanwhile, some members of Anchor® are shot dead, and others are held hostage. Gordon drives past the studio to see the assault and several large vans marked with the acronym "NSA". He then gets a message from Asher informing him that the studio is under attack, and so he to the top with Asher, her perpetrators start talking, pointing out the dirty tactics which were used.immediately heads up the stairs, and a gunfight ensues.

Once Gordon gets up to the top, picking up guns from dead officers along the way, he finds out that the power is down, and that he needs to turn it on himself so the message can be broadcast. While he is finding where the power was cut, Mary is delivered to the building, duct-taped over the mouth and tied to a chair.

Suddenly, the power goes on, and a test pattern is broadcast. Asher, Mary, and the two perpetrators look at the screen, and see the video that was filmed at the studio, about Super Butter not actually being butter. Then a recording is shown of the perpetrators talking about their dirty tactics. Asher and Mary look to discover that the studio was being monitored by secret cameras, as they could see a lens in a picture frame. As the perpetrators put a gun to each scientist's heads, and nearly kill them, the glass shatters, and each of the perpetrators are shot dead. The two scientists look out the window to see a disappointed Gordon at the control tower, holding a sniper rifle. Unfortunately, Gordon did not have time to do a "360 no-scope".

The final scene shows Asher and Mary walking out of the building, in slow motion, with Gordon rejoining them, and the NSA vans exploding in the background.


I Can't Believe It's Not Butter was well-received in America, receiving critical acclaim from film critics, and even managed to achieve cult status. Bill Clinton believed it to be "the best film I've seen in years".

It did not fare as well in the United Kingdom, as it was "a load of ropey old bollocks... a film with no credibility whatsoever". Ardal O'Hanlon simply said: "This is so silly, I can't believe it's not butter."

When Chuck Norris watched this movie, he could believe it was not butter, causing the movie to be scared shitless and result in the invention of margarine. [I can't believe I didn't invent that!]

I Can't Believe it's not butter, however, was not a big success in the United States of Canada as it caused people houses to turn into pierogies in a blink of an eye after seeing the movie. Subsequently, the government of the United States of Canada covered up the controversy with glue and used newspapers. However in 1846, civil war broke out between Apple and the U.S.C. over the film. It lasted for 13.5 seconds. Presently, no outcome has been determined.


A sequel has been planned, due to be released in 2011, with the title, I Can't Believe It's Not A Hyperlink.

See also[edit]


  1. All these names are biblical, excluding Gordon, of course.