The Official List of the Best Things in Existence
The term “The best thing since sliced bread” has been around in popular English vernacular since before anyone can accurately recall. The phrase is used to describe anything thought to be great, and is used thoughtlessly. Since the dawn of time, a list has been inscribed in the history of the cosmos of the best things ever, an Official List of the Best Things in Existence.
This is not to be confused with the list of Greatest Inventions, as this list covers not only inventions but ideas, discoveries, people and yes, Virginia, even countries. What follows is The Official List of the Best Things in Existence in its entirety.
Timeline of the Best Things Ever
Chuck Norris
Timelessness-Contemporary Times
Often credited with creation of the physical universe, Chuck Norris is also a noted ass-kicker and doer of good deeds. All legends throughout the history of mankind are directly attributable to Norris' actions, including the bringing of fire to mankind and the Biblical flood. His beard conceals a third fist, rather than the standard chin, and his famed roundhouse kick was the real cause of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. Of late, Mr. Norris has been keeping a lower profile than normal, although rumor has it that Norris will rise again when angels walk the Earth. Only time will tell if this is a fact.
Note: Unfortunately, no picture of Chuck Norris is available; this is due to the fact that he occupies over twenty dimensions, making it physically impossible to capture him on film, or in prison.
God
Timelessness-4 billion BC
He was the only thing for an unimaginably long stretch of time.
Oxygen
4 billion BC-60 million BC
In the beginning, Optimus Prime created the heavens and the earth, and a bunch of other boring shit that everyone takes for granted. Yadda yadda yadda, and then He created life. This life promptly died within the first few minutes of creation, no matter how many times He tried to make it. Eventually, He realized that the life He created couldn’t breathe, and so He invented oxygen, which allowed life to flourish.
Optimus Prime then realized that, according to the list, He had created something even more important than Himself, and went into seclusion for 4 billion years and running. His last words were reportedly “Yeah, well, I was on the list the longest, and nothing’s going to take that record from me!”
And you know what? There’s no way to prove Him wrong.
Monkeys
60 million BC-45 million BC
And the life known as ‘Dinosaur’ died, and so humans stepped up to claim their position as the greatest species on planet earth. They survived the alien death rays that killed off the dinosaurs, and as such, they celebrated. They threw such a wild party that creation itself took notice of them, and inscribed homo sapiens on the Official List of the Best Things in Existence. Of course, this was BEFORE it found out what man had left flaming on it's front doorstep. After that, it was just too late.
Language
45 million BC-20 million BC
Language is believed to have first been discovered around 45,000,000 BC when, moving rocks from one big pile of rocks to another large pile of rocks, an unnamed caveman dropped a rock on his foot and uttered the pivotal first word: “Moog”. Modern scholars have extensively studied this word and translate “Moog” as “Fuck my toe”. Language has several branches on the Official List of the Best Things in Existence, which are listed under three separate entries.
Punctuation
40 million BC-35 million BC
Did the anonymous caveman want someone to attempt sexual intercourse with his toe? In 40,000,000 BC a solution that would last until the 1990s was created when periods, commas, question marks, semicolons, weird things like ΅ that no one really uses, and exclamation points entered language, finally allowing people to differentiate sentences. Thus, “Moog” was promptly amended to “Moog!” which translates into “Fuck! My toe!”
Singing
35 million BC-25 million BC
The first musical, 2 Guys, a Girl and a Brontosaurus* was performed 35,000,000 BC, and the world has never been the same. So pleasing were the sudden discoveries of things like tone, pitch, and screaming angst that in some cultures, notably the Watusi tribe in what is now modern-day Kenya, the tone deaf were put to death for their displeasing warblings.
*the only musical about both bestiality and foursomes.
Saying Things While Belching
25 million BC-20 million BC
Recorded history shows that on March 20, 25,000,000 BC, Grok Ingersoll belched in mid-sentence, yet talked right through out the gaseous emission. His fellow tribesmen found this so hilarious that they rolled on the ground laughing for a solid half hour. For the next five million years, saying things while belching was considered the funniest joke ever. This tradition carries on in the noble Canadian national sport, Saying the Alphabet While Belching, and the Afghani national sport, Burping for Allah.
The Wheel
20 million BC-5 million BC
The wheel was first invented 20,000,000 BC and was primarily used for hunting. Early hunters would roll large rock wheels down hills, hoping to hit various animals for dinner. This practice was the precursor to hitting deer with your car.
Evolution
5 million BC-4,000 BC
Right about 5,000,000 BC, humans finally lost their tails. This was seen as a good thing, as tails often carried bugs and diseases and hindered primitive fashion considerably with their unseemly bulging. Evolution was invented and glorified, and for nearly 5,000,000 years it was hailed as the greatest thing since the wheel.
Beer
4,000 BC-3,000 BC
Like we even need to say anything here. Beer was first invented by the Egyptians, so let’s all raise a glass to those geniuses of drinks.
Opium and Cheese Sandwiches
40 million BC-35 million BC
When Oda Nobunaga was eating lunch with a retarded, schizophrenic albino hillbilly, he accidentally spilled some of his opiates into the youngster's string-cheese and ritalin sandwich. It was that day that the greatest damn thing to ever meet sliced bread was born. Opium and cheese sandwiches are also produced as byproducts of the cellular respiration of mollusks and neo-conservatives.
Boats
3,000 BC-2,900 BC
Let’s be honest here: Even with beer and wheels and no tails, life in the Old World was crowded and smelly. Luckily, several brave adventurers noticed the large bodies of water that would later be known as the Mediterranean Sea, the Pacific Ocean, the Caspian Sea, and Isaac’s Swimming Pool in his Back Yard. They noticed how wood floated on water and, together, hypothesized how they could use this to transport themselves across the waters. Finally, in 3,000 BC, they built the first boat and set out for new lands.
History doesn’t record these early ventures, because they all failed, but it's the thought that counts, right?
Getting Boats Right
2,900 BC-1,500 BC
Nearly 100 years after the first boat was made, the first successful boat was made, and the Vikings sailed from Europe to America, where they married the Indians and never came back. This amazing feat was accomplished by removing the hole in the bottom of the boat that was meant to be a toilet. Luckily, they left blueprints.
Sandals
1,500 BC-47 BC
Sandals were a universal godsend, as nearly every culture on Earth discovered them around the same time, all giving positive reviews. The Hebrews said “Whether wandering in the desert for forty years, running from our captors or defeating our would-be oppressors, sandals keep our feet comfortable.” The popular Roman advertisements claimed “Sandals: JVST DO IT!” Even the Japanese, on the other side of the world, noted “The sandal prevents our feet from turning hard and calloused like that of a dog.”
Cæsar's Mom
47 BC-42 BC
One year after the crowning of Julius Cæsar, an April Fool's prank was played, where Cæsar's Mom was named "The Best Thing Since Sandals". Cæsar himself was even sent an anonymous telegram that read, "Dvde, yovr mom is hot as fvck". Before fighting to their deaths, gladiators were required to sing the song "Cæsar's Mom Has Got it Going On".
Cæsar was not amused, but as it was already written on the list, there was nothing he could do about it. He publicly decried the appointment of his mother as one of the Best Things Ever and threatened to crucify whoever started the prank.
In 46 BC, Cæsar was sent another note, reading "Cæsar, lighten vp! Wovld it be better if we said 'Yovr mother looks like a common whore, and she smells like she has jvst svrvived a battle with the lions'?"
Many were suspected of having started the joke. Suspects include:
- Brutus
- Pliny the Younger
- Cleopatra
- Jesus of Nazareth
- Oscar Wilde
- Cæsar's mother herself
Sandals 2: Electric Boogaloo
42 BC-1 AD
Following Caesar’s assassination in 42 BC, the joke about his mom being one of the Best Things Ever was thought to be in crude taste (because the old slut was wrinkly like a raisin, her tits being so saggy that she could tie them together), and sandals were once again named the Best Thing Ever. Critics said that this reign was just a tired retread of all the jokes and characters found in the original appointment of sandals, however.
Jesus of Nazareth
1 AD-33 AD
A stunning display of nepotism by God, bitter over being replaced on the list by His own creation of oxygen; He just wanted to live vicariously through His own son Jesus, who wanted to become an author and a poet, and to follow the music in his soul. He was pushed reluctantly into a life of greatness, religious conviction, and ultimately a brutal murder, and as such, has been credited with a spot on the Official List of the Best Things in Existence, as well as being the central figure in the second-largest religion the world has ever seen, behind Jainism.
He ultimately did get to write a book that achieved some degree of critical acclaim, the Bible, and as such has been reported to be content with his time on earth. (Actual translation: 'Jesus the Nazarene')
Jesus promised to return, and if he does, he will bring forth a giant army, with recognizeable generals such as Karl Marx, Bruce Wayne and the Subservient Chicken.
Shapes in the Clouds
33 AD-668 AD
Following the ascension of Jesus Christ into Heaven, his followers spent hundreds of years looking to the sky waiting for his return. They rarely found Jesus, but rocket ships, bunnies, and really scary faces were reported in abundance. So many followers of Satan spent so much of their lives recording and analyzing their findings that the art of looking for shapes in clouds, or tripping, was added to the list.
The Printing Press
668 AD-1492 AD
The printing press* was invented in 668 and revolutionized the world of reading. The first books printed were the Guttenberg Bible, the real Bible, William Shakespeare’s cult classic Hamlet, and John Milton’s Paradise Island. So successful were sales that the Book Publishers Association of Europe lobbied for the printing press to be included on the list. It was, of course. ‘Cause you’re reading about it now. Duh.
*Interesting Historical Fact #2: This website was made with a printing press! Wow, isn’t that neat, kids?
Columbus, America, and Other Assorted Bullshit
1492 AD-1776 AD
The year 1492 gave us several great things. First, it gave us a new addition onto the list, one that covers several areas in one. It also gave us the discovery of America, which unfortunately would turn out to be the beginning of the end of mankind. Christopher Columbus, the director of the first two Harry Potter films, became a household name two solid years before the first house was ever built. He had been just another underground explorer waiting for his big break in showbizness along side his three stripper-wives, Nina, Pinta, and the Santa Clause Marina. (The second of which, Pinta, was named after her father's '72 Ford Pinto.) In honor of his big break, his three stripper-wives sang this now famous schoolboy rhyme, “In fourteen hundred ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue”. However, the original verse included the now-forgotten second couplet of “In fourteen hundred ninety-six/Columbus gave the Indians syphilis”. Oh, and Halley’s Comet was discovered, too. And third, 1492 also gave us an enourmous aural pleasure when Captain James C. Vangelis tried out his bagpipe when landing with his crew in the New York harbour. After all, the discovery of America wasn't such a difficult thing to do. Imagine Columbus could see the Twin Towers and the Statue of Liberty from far, far away. Besides, GPS was common already then.
Homosexuality
1776 AD-1865 AD
No, this is so interesting, how can something so old be the Best Thing in Existance in 1776? Well, lets talk about the gay couple John and Abagail Adams, famous American gays. Later, in Spanish California, Oscar Wilde invented gayness and spread its popularity there. In 1812, everyone in NYC died and got replaced by gay people. Thomas Jefferson hung the Manly Lisa on his wall in 1819. Now is that cool or what?
Every Piece of Southern Literature Ever Written
1865 AD-1927 AD
In 1865, the smash novel Gone with Jane of Green Heights was published. This book is the only book ever written about the height of life in the south, before it was destroyed, rebuilt, and repopulated with inbreeders. It is the only surviving record of an Alabama with graduate students, without "smokes", and a gene pool that doesn't completly invert.
1927
1927 AD
1927 is known as the greatest year, ever. And why shouldn’t it be? It was fantastic, everyone was smart, things went swell all year round, people learned how to vocalize their thoughts when being filmed, and the Dow was always up, up, up! God, what a great year. I wish I lived there.
Curiously, 1927 also holds the record for the shortest amount of time at the top of the list. However, this is only due to the fact that on April 19, the next Best Thing Ever was invented. . .
Sliced Bread
1927 AD- 1997 AD
Ah, sliced bread. Where would we be without you? I’ll tell you, still risking staph infections from slicing our own rye loafs, that’s where! Sliced bread has taken all the danger out of the American kitchen and has reduced the amount of time it took the average person to prepare themselves a delicious snack.
Professional Wrestling
1997 AD-2002 AD
Erm. . . Actually, we’re still trying to work out how professional wrestling got on the list. Granted, if it’s on here, then it must be for a reason, and there’s no way to erase something from the list. We’ve got scientists and lawyers working on it. Trust me.
Notable additions to the world:
- Livejournal Promos (Invented by "Mr. Wrestling II" Chris Hero)
- Stone Cold Steve Austin
- Hulk Hogan
- Steel chairs to the noggin
- Chyna's Penis
- The sight of grown men fighting over a clothing accessory so large it’s rendered virtually impractical
- Peanut Butter. Extra Crunchy
- The cause of World War IV (Debated)
- the word n00b
Eminem (Disputed)
2002 AD—2005 AD
On Eminem’s 2002 hit single Without Me, he clearly states that he is the “best thing since wrestling”, thereby adding himself to the list. Many followers of the list shake their heads and raise a public outcry.
The Dispute
Critics of Eminem’s inclusion on the list point to the fact that he added himself to the list, which isn’t allowed (unless you're God). Furthermore, they prove that it doesn’t really count, as historians are still searching for why professional wrestling was added to the list, and no new additions should take place until people at least know why the previous holder of the title is there.
LL Cool J released an album called The Greatest Of All Time, which knocks Eminem's rather lame boast into a cocked hat.
Yahoo Video Search
2005 AD-2010 AD
Not much explanation is needed for this one. An Internet search for free video porn? And you can search for whatever type of porn you want: grannies, trannies, live donkey sex, dead donkey sex, practically anything!
Another Dispute
Historians have still not figured out why professional wrestling was added to The Official List of the Best Things in Existence, but the Board of Additions to the Official List of the Best Things in Existence says, "Fuck the 'No Additions to the List Until Historians Figure Out Why the Previous Item Was Added' rule!", so the addition stands, unless you're a stubborn historian, in which case, the Board of Additions to the Official List of the Best Things in Existence tells you to bugger off.
End of the World Hype
2010 AD-2012 AD
With a lot of people that is so obsessed with the world kicking the bucket on December 21, 2012, this was a period of time where these so called Experts, Religious wackos, and crazy lunatics made up a gazillion End of the World days, ranging anywhere from the 2nd coming of Jesus Christ, 2 or more countries gets pissed off at each other, People wasting a lot of useless crap, 365 days of Black Friday, Earth takes a giant shit, the entire Universe takes a giant shit, or simply the Mayans are too impatient with December 21, 2012, and they decided to end it all early themselves.
Angry Birds
2013 AD
Angry Birds popped into existence when couple of Finns got bored to death and wanted to create a game featuring a few wingless birds with no legs that had to be fired out of a slingshot to murder some immobile green pigs. Who could have thought that the little mobile game would turned into a huge craze around the world, spreading major fandom and merchandise all over the place. Even some movies have been turned into birds. At least one out of the next 10 people you'll bump into will have something Angry Birds related on them (no matter if they have the game, draw stuff related to Angry Birds, or wear Angry Birds clothes), and if you step into a store, 9 times out of 8, you'll see something Angry Birds related. If you're wondering what they're going to come up with next, you'll never know.
Minecraft
2013 AD - 2016 AD
What just stared as an abandoned project soon turned into a world filled with nothing but block and cubes. As people view, especially miners that only sees that one person have created a 2nd world to live in, and that one man is named Notch. Mostly you'll see people bragging on how much of their wasted life they used on creating artwork by using nothing but blocks, and trying to fight of creatures that will explode in your face. Just be careful on what you do when on this game, people can be friends with you and stab you in the back.
Pokémon
2016 AD - present
With the release of Pokémon Go, which caused half of the population to be more onto their phones to be able to catch 'em all, which caused these random phone trainers to randomly walk into unexpected areas, either walk into another human being, into traffic, or walk into Area 51. And add on top of that, while everyone else is out getting all those rare Pokémon, you're stuck with all those Pidgeys, Zubats, and Rattatas. On top of Pokémon Go, you got the popularity of Pokémon skyrocketing to weird heights, anywhere from trainers using their time to the gaming, anime/manga, the card game, or too busy making a lot of Rule 34 art, either way, these trainers surly can.... Catch 'em All!
The Future of the List
Who knows what’ll be next on the list? A new advancement in technology? Moon bases? Edible n00bs? The End of the Internet as we know it? Space Pirate Ninjas from 4096 named Orion Blastar who like to time travel? Anything could be added to the list. Even you!¹ Humanity waits in collective reverence of the Best Things Ever come before, and in awe of the next Best Thing Ever to present itself. It’ll be great.
Footnote
¹ But not likely!
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