Hulk Hogan

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Born A while ago in Hulkamerica
Profession Wrestler
Spotlight hog
Assosciated Brands WWF, WCW, nWo, WWE, NWA, MIB, PMS
Height 5'16
Weight Old and wrinkly
Years active 1683 to present (unfortunately)
Former Ring Names Hollyweed Hogan
The Patriot Act
The Artist Formally Thought To Have Talent
Terry Ballsagnia

“Hulkamania is running wild, like it’s never run before.”

~ Hulk Hogan on how Hulkamania couldn't run before

“Vince McMahon made Hulk famous? BULLSHIT, Rocky made his ass famous.”

~ Siskel & Ebert

“Oh yeah, I saw him one time at MGM studios filming Baywatch meets Knight Rider ... I forget what it was called.”

~ anyone who saw the making of Thunder In Paradise

Terry "Hulk-Hollywood-Retire-Already-Damn-It" Hogan, more known as the Hulkster, or Spotlight Hogster, is a household name known all around the world from his days of hugging big sweaty old guys in a wrestling ring, and teaching the ways of Hulkamania to all the little Hulkmaniacs out there who follow in Hulk's footsteps by saying their prayers, eating their vitamins, and injecting steroids directly into the eyes of their dicks.

Where it all began[edit]

Hogan, aged seven months, about to hulk up over having to go to bed before 9 p.m.

But before there was Hulkamania, there was just a man, a man of 6'8" stature, a man with bleach blond hair, a bass guitar, and a destiny. A destiny to have more guys take a dive than any other wrestler in history. But before this could happen, the man we know as the Hulkster, or Betty as some of us close to him call him, had to start out somewhere. He was born into the world sometime as far back as the days when the Dead Sea wasn't even sick yet, Hogan's mother Paul got knocked up by Adolph Hogan and soon Hulk Hogan came crashing down, and it hurt her inside. Hogan then decided to take a stand and refuse to hide, and his mom was his friend, and the doctor hurt her pride, so Hogan couldn't stand aside. He picked up the doctor and slammed him on the ground, then climbed back up his mom's umbilical cord and leapt off the bed, leg first, onto the doctor's chest. Terry grew up like any normal child of the medieval era, born with a silver sword in his hand, a lush thick blond mustache, a balding head, and a desire to pick things up and slam them. By the time Terry was nine months old he had outgrown slamming G.I. Joes and was into slamming the family dog with a leg drop right after. Although some people saw it as animal cruelty, it was quite a sight to see someone so young pick up a fully grown mastiff, give it the finger of doom, then proceed to body-slam it hard enough for it to stay put as he took flight and landed on the dog with a diaper full of doodie. Now you know where the term "Atomic Leg Drop" comes from!

Hogan showed signs of great strength when he started school. His kindergarten teacher told him to draw a picture of a building, so he drew one. Then he slammed the picture, frame and all, on the ground and gave it a humongous leg drop. No one really knew what to think of this behavior, especially when Hogan slammed a fellow classmate and the teacher came to tell him off — Hogan stopped the teacher yelling at him by pointing at her. His eyes widened as he looked at the other children, and signaled he was going to slam Mrs. Lumberman, a 45-year-old mother of three. The children encouraged Hogan, who seemed to feed off the energy of the audience. He held a hand up to his ear for one last boost of encouragement, then picked up his teacher and slammed her right into the floor. Then Hogan climbed up on a box of legos and dropped down on her with a leg drop. When the medics and police arrived on the scene to attend to Mrs. Lumberman three hours later, she gave a statement about Hogan, and it took twelve police officers to remove Hogan from the kiddy-gym. (He was not done flexing and posing for his fans yet.)

It was said that Hogan gained such strength from his mother, who breast-fed him 100% pure steroids until he was 14, when he started snorting steroids because it was the latest rage the kids were into. Then he took it one step further by injecting steroids directly into the eye of his dick like his favorite comic book hero, The Incredible Hulk — which is where his nickname came from. When Hogan didn't get his steroids he became angry, and you wouldn't like him when he's angry ... well you might, but you'd be an idiot. Anyway, back to Hogan as a kid ...

Hogan had become a menace to Venice, just a rough out-of-control child who became a rough out-of-control teenager, but then Hogan found his place in life at age 15. He took up bass guitar and found that slamming chords was more productive than slamming people. It's just a real shame Hogan sucked balls when he picked up a four-string guitar. Everyone knew it, but no one would tell Hogan he sucked because if they did he'd slam them and drop a leg across their chest. As long as Hogan was happy murdering classic songs on stage, so was everyone else in Venice Beach for not being slammed by the Hogan. However, it was pretty bad — Hogan's playing sounded like a cat being sucked up a lawnmower and crapped out a tuba funnel in a buffalo's anus. But then a miracle happened ... In September of the year of the Hulkster, the Iraqi war started, and America needed a few good men to be deployed to Iraq to fight the evil forces of the Deceptecons. The entire village of Venis Beach decided they should sign Hogan up for that, and send him away because they knew his ego would not turn down a fight — plus, hopefully, if someone kills him in action they won't have to live in fear of being slammed or hearing him murder Stairway To Heaven worse than Rolf Harris did.

Hogan, before the accident

So Hogan was enlisted into the Marines, and sent off to learn how to control this cool boat that was named K.I.T.T. Thunder. While Hogan was deployed in Iraq, he came under fire by the opposition's tank that proceeded to shoot the Hogster right in the testicles. Any normal human being would have succumbed, but Hogan from taking so many steroids felt no pain, and instead rose to one knee, started shaking his head around like a madman, and rose to his feet while jerking off furiously. Hogan stood up and looked the tank down the barrel and said, "Thank you, sir. May I have another?" The tank then fired another round, which bounced off Hogan's chest. The tank backed up, then fired again, and again; still the Hulkster refused to sell. On the fourth fire, Hogan's eyes just widened, and he began pointing at the tank and shaking his finger around. When the tank went to fire one more time, Hogan raised his arm, blocked the tank's gun fire, and began a series of overhead punches — then he picked up the tank and body-slammed it. Posing to the crowd that had gathered, holding his hand cupped up to his ear as the fans cheered, Hogan clapped a few times then proceeded to land an atomic leg drop on the tank, pinning it for a 3-count, and spent the next three hours flexing his muscles for the crowd. It was like Hulk's kindergarten days all over again!

Upon his return home to the United States of America, Hogan said in a press conference, "I did it for all you Hulkamaniacs out there, Brotha. If you just take your vitamins, say your prayers, and do steroids you too can be immortal." Hogan then spent six hours flexing for those in attendance. No one knew what Hulkamania was, or what the hell Hogan meant. When an Asian reporter asked what Hulkamania was, Hogan just grew green and picked him up and repeatedly slammed him into the ground one hundred times before clapping, running through a brick wall, bouncing off a parked car and coming back to land a leg drop on the little Asian dude. Hulk then went back and picked up the car, slammed it on the little Asian dude and said, "Any more stupid questions, Brotha?" In fear for their own safety and even their own lives, no one questioned what Hulkamania was ever again, they just went with it ...


WWF, Brotha![edit]

When Andre needed a cuddle, even the powers of Hulkamania couldn't prevent it.

A man of Hogan's superhuman size and strength caused from over-use of steroids could lead him to only one possible career. Unfortunately the Olympic games had just finished, so Hogan went to the next best thing, wrestling. WWF owner Vince McMahon was eager to bring in Hogan, because if Hogan could pick up a tank and body-slam it he could easily pick up Andre The Giant — and carry him to bed when he would get drunk, make an asshole out of himself in public, then pass out cold right there in the gay bar that the WWF scouted a lot of their talent from. The WWF needed this guy. Hogan was employed to be Andre's pick up boy, and also started to wrestle for the company.

Hogan and Andre The Giant became good bum-chums, and would do everything together. Hogan and Andre were the biggest names the wrestling world had to offer. They seemed inseparable, until one day Andre woke up with a stiff neck in the foyer of the Hilton hotel and blamed Hogan for the stiffness by not picking him up and carrying him to his room. Andre openly challenged Hogan on TV to a match at Wrestlfakia. Hogan did not want to take on his friend, but Andre started tearing off Hogan's clothes, twisting his nipples, poking him in the chest, squeezing him by the nuts and punching a few babies. Hogan resisted a lot of the harsh attack, but it was the poking that Hogan couldn't take anymore, plus no one could understand what the hell Andre was muttering about. He sounded like a retard trying to speak with a mouth full of saltine crackers.

The match was booked, and history was about to be made — Andre and Hulk were to be the main event showcase. When the match got underway, Andre proceeded to try and choke the life out of Hogan for ten minutes. The crowd was falling asleep, and Andre was getting a little heavy eyed, too. Hogan used that time to give Andre a nasty Chinese burn and escape the choke. Andre then raised his arm and let it crash down on Hogan's head, a move that would knock any normal man out, but it only knocked Hogan down to one knee. Andre delivered another blow, but Hogan started to get that look in his eyes, the steroids were starting to kick in, and after Andre's third blow Hogan was back on his feet and masturbating. Andre tried several times to make Hogan stop, but then Hogan's eyes grew wide and he pointed at Andre. He blocked the next punch, then whipped Andre into the ropes, where Andre bounced back and Hogan lifted his leg up to let go a devastating rip-roaring fart which Andre could not avoid running into. The smell was making Andre rock around and stumble on his feet. Hogan then signaled to the crowd that he was going to slam Andre, something that had not been done since Andre's previous match the week before. Hogan proceeded to successfully body-slam Andre, then run into the rope and back to Andre. Hogan farted as hard as he could, propelling himself fifteen feet off the ground; when his ass ran out of gas, he came crashing back down on Andre with a leg drop, pinned him and won the match for the WWF Championship, which Hogan would hold onto for a record 345 years, as he would only ever defend once a year.


Real American v Rocky[edit]

The WWF being not only a wrestling organization but also a wildlife foundation, it was only natural that the animals employed by the WWF would want a chance at the Hulkster. Hogan beat the crap out of roadkill all over the nation, but his biggest challenge came in 1985 when Rocky challenged him to a fight. Rocky came out to the theme of Eye Of The Tiger during one of Hogan's four-hour-long victory poses, and interrupted him with his tag partner Bullwinkle. Bullwinkle helped mock Hogan in a small skit they did, where Bullwinkle looked at Rocky and said, "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my ass" ... "Again?" said Rocky. Bullwinkle continued, "Nothing up my rear ... fart ... Presto! Whoops, sometimes I don't know my own strenth", Bullwinkle had managed to land moose shit all over the American flag. This just infuriated the Hulkster to see one of America's most beloved duos in such a dramatic heel turn. Hogan issued the challenge right then and there that he would slam Rocky and Bullwinkle right onto that pile of steaming hot moose crap they had laid on Ol' Glory. So Hogan exited the ring and ran down the isle to greet the duo with his 24-inch python of a dick, his fists trailing not far behind. Hogan suddenly was sideswiped and attacked with a chair from behind by Boris and Natasha — the duo of Rocky and Bullwinkle had sided with Russia. Rocky then walked up to the now laid out Hogan and told Hogan he would see him at the next Wrestlefakia, where he would end Hulkamania once and for all.

So the challenge was set, and the day of Wrestlefakia came again, and Hogan was ready. And to cut a long story short, Rocky and Bullwinkle got a few good hits in, with the aid of Boris, Natasha and a shocking surprise visit from Yogi Bear, but in the end, as always, Hogan prevailed. He hulked up and kicked everyone's asses, then flexed for the audience for ninety minutes before going to take a dump, which he proceeded to dump onto Rocky's corpse, which was still lying motionless in three parts in the squared circle, except for the one part that was hanging off of Bullwinkle's horn which had been strategically forced up Natasha's axe-wound. From that day forward, Hulkamania ran wild, and Hogan was the all-American hero for beating up communist Russians, and the American defectors.

The Incredible Hulkster[edit]

Hogan had his next match one year later at Wrestlefakia 3 against Mr. T and Mr. Rogers in a jelly wrestling masturbation match which Hogan won by the enhancement of constant steroid use. Hogan also had big feuds with King Kong and Godzilla, and a copyright infringement match against David "Hulk" Banner — which Hogan won by default when Dr. Jekyll said to Mr. Hyde, "Look who's talking, bitch." Hulk then focused on kicking the crap out of foreigners, supplying kids with drugs and guns, and preaching that saying your prayers and taking your steroids is the American way of life, and every American's God-given right to shoot steroids into the eyes of their own red white and blue dicks.

Hulk hogan steriodaddicts.jpg

The Megasteroidiacs[edit]

Another large steroid abuser was climbing the ranks of the WWF, and so the decision was made that Hogan should be teamed up with "Fred "The Nacho Man" Savage". Savage had made a move into professional wrestling after his four-year run as the star on the TV show The Wonder Years, finding himself to be one of those childhood actors no one wants to watch anymore when they reach puberty. Savage and Hogan combined as what is remembered today as one of the all-time great tag-teams that never won a God damned fucking thing together. The MegaSteroidiacs become very popular in the few times they were seen together. They were managed by Miss Queen Elizabeth III and dressed in matching red and yellow panties in a brief stink stint until the tag-team ran into trouble when Savage thought Hogan was hitting on his bitch, Queen Elizabeth, when in fact what was happening was Hogan was teaching Liz how to suck dick harder for Savage's benefit.

The two ended up going at it at the next Wrestlefakia, where Hogan fueled up on more steroids than ever and overcame the challenge. Hogan defeated Randy in the typical way, Randy got a few hits in, the Hulk said "Go Go Hulkster Steriods" and Hulkamania was running wild all over Savage's ass like it was expected to. To celebrate his win, Hogan told Miss Elizabeth she needed bigger tits, and she should inject some steroids into them. Miss Elizabeth refused to do such a thing, saying Randy always thought her breasts were cute the size they were, so Hogan grabbed her by her little titties and slammed her on top of Randy ... Hulk then grabbed a pillow and went home to challenge his wife and son to a ... hang on, sorry, this wasn't Hogan at all, it was another person we were thinking of in a fit of roid rage. Anyway, Hogan beat Savage.

A few years later the duo would team up again in the WCW, but we will get to that later when we mention what a crappy reunion it was during the dying days of WCW.

Hulk about to "serve" Roddy Piper in a "Bring it On" dance-off

Rock N Wrestling[edit]


During the 1780s anything could be seen on American television, and if Gilligan's Island could be continued in a crappy cartoon series then Hogan was going to take advantage of the toon-time airwaves too. So along came the viewing displeasure on a Saturday morning time-slot, "Hulk Hogan's Rock N Wrestling", which had nothing to do with The Rock, unfortunately. The show debuted during Hogan's popularity boost when, just like Chuck Norris, Hulkamania was considered cool at the time, and so Hogan and his WWF buddies had a cartoon series to be shown in between the months Hogan was not seen defending his title in the real world, hence the show ran for eleven-and-a-half months in between each year's annual Wrestlefakia PPV events.

The show portrayed Hogan as the sword-master of Grayskull, and he would take on the evil forces of Skeletor and The Iron Sheik. His sidekick was Hogan's beautiful cousin and princess of Outworld — and also his wife — Mae Young. The show also guest-starred the characters and voices of real-life wrestlers such as Andre The Giant, Roddy Piper, Randy Savage and Mr. T. The show was the first cartoon ever broadcast live, which was a real strain on the animator's hands but they managed to do it because they all worked hard, said their prayers, and injected steroids into the eyes of their pencils. The show was somewhat of a hit with the adolescent retarded youth of America for the brief few years it ran between 1787 to 1903, but it was canceled on the spot when a young John Cena made a guest appearance and fucked it up for everyone's viewing pleasure.

A wrestler demonstrates how you get over on Hogan.

The ultimate put-over[edit]

Hogan's reputation was building up that there was no one on the planet who could kick his ass. That's when Vince discovered a man from farts unknown named The Ultimate Gaylord, who was discovered at a gym Vince was scouting potential protein-slurpee drinkers at. The Ultimate Gaylord offered to suck Vince's dick for his steroid fix, and that's when Vince knew this would be a good opponent for Hogan. At the following Wrestlefakia the two steroid-abusing cocksuckers met face-to-face for the first time. The match is synonymous with history, as never before had a crowd been bored to death as much as these two cutting promos that made peoples heads cave in, and a standoff that lasted 234 minutes as Hogan and Gaylord flexed their muscles and compared dick sizes. Gaylord won when his 2.4 inch penile length outdid Hogan's by a good centimeter. This was the first loss Hogan had ever had in his career, and it looked like Hulkamania was over. But no, it wasn't; Hogan and Warrior would find themselves tagged together in the finals of the 1990 MacGyver Series. Hogan and Warrior each were the surviving members of their teams, and paired up together with some other jobber who was just there to make Hogan and Warriors steroid-enhanced physiques look impressive next to a little scrawny Latino bitch. They took on five other guys, who were pretty big heels at the time, but the only one you'd remember is "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase. The others were just nobodies paid off to take a dive to Hogan and Warrior like the rest of the WWF roster. Hogan and Warrior were unsurprisingly victorious, and the two spent a record-breaking fifteen hours flexing there dicks for the crowd after their win.

A few months later, Warrior ran to Hogan's rescue when it looked like one of Hogan's opponents was not going to accept the bribe to take a dive. Hogan returned the favor shortly after when Warrior came down with a sudden case of diarrhea during his match, and needed someone else to slam his opponent in case he accidentally released something that would require an ultimate dry cleaning bill. Hogan and Warrior, now best of friends, were ready to become the greatest tag-team known to man that the WWF and the world had ever seen, but it was not meant to be — Hogan was offered twenty bucks to go make Suburban Commando, and Warrior was diagnosed with Amoebic Dysentery, which forced him out of the WWF. (Leaving him to never wrestle again unless a company was dumb enough to want to hire such a shitty wrestler.)

Not even electricity can stop the Hulkster, seen here raping a toaster just after body-slamming it.

Hulkamania runs dry[edit]

Andre The Giant died, Randy Savage was filming the Wonder Years reunion, Mr. Wonderfuckingfull Paul Smorndoff had left due to exploding on an over-injection of steroids into his left nipple, and The Ultimate Warrior had turned to shit — there was really no one left for Hogan to face. in 1990 the WWF started to take a different approach that maybe younger wrestlers, who possessed actual talent, might just be the direction the WWF needed to take. The crowds were rather bored of The Real American slamming anyone else who did as many steroids as he did. Hogan's last big feud in the WWF was with Sgt Slaughter and the Iron Sheik in an "America Patriotism" match that brought back the tank Hogan had slammed in Iraq, but by the time it was over and done with fans had grown tired of Hogan's always doing the same old bullshit over and over again> They were tired of seeing Hogan sell for five minutes, then hulk up, slamming people and dropping a leg on them. They were more interested now in wrestlers with more than a five-step dance routine to their act. It was clear the following Wrestlefakia fans were bored by Hogan when he took on Buford T. Justice. Hogan was pretty much out of action and hardly seen again in the WWF until the next Wrestlefakia, when a sumo-sized newcomer who weighed more than <insert name here>'s mom named Yokozuna came along and was dominating the WWF. He was said to be so fat even Hogan couldn't slam him ... and it was true, Hogan never did slam him. Hogan of course did beat him at Wrestlefakia when Bret Fart lost to Yoko, then challenged Hogan, but it was all just a final nail in the coffin by Vince to see if anyone truly gave a flying fuck about the Hulkster any more. A few weeks later the re-match was set between Hogan and Yoko and, to Hogan's surprise, Vince had arranged for Yokozuna to not take a dive this time and just kick Hogan's ass, which he did. Hogan tried to slam Yokozuna, but he couldn't. Yoko did this by eating that tank Hogan once slammed, and then eating all the hate mail the WWF had received about how crap Suburban Commando was, which not even Hogan could pick up and slam that kinda weight. Yoko became the new champion, Hulkamania was buried into the ground, and its grave was pissed on by Paul Bearer and The Undertaker — who announced Hulkamania can now rest ... in ... peace. Pretty dramatic, huh?

Fun fact: Thunder In Paradise was a ripoff of Knight Rider — it is ironic that the executives decided to ditch both Hogan and his dumb ideas about a talking boat, then bring in David Hasselhoff and rename the show Baywatch.

Hollyweed Hogan[edit]

Trivia: Hulk was asked to play Mr. Nanny in the continuing TV series The Nanny, but he turned down the role of a blushing steroid queen from New Jersey after co-star Madeline Zima said Hogan's acting skills were "about as impressive as a fart in a jacuzzi".

Now that Hulk was retired from wrestling, his ego was big enough to believe the acting he did for the WWF would lead him to star roles in feature films that required a big beefed-up-on-steroids giant of a man. Hogan was keen to play the role of Danny Divito's brother in Twins, but Hogan was out-auditioned by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Hogan wanted to outdo Arnold by showing the world he was more a man's man than Arnold ever could be, so Hogan signed on to play the lead role in the 1992 Shakespeare play, Mr. Nanny. Hogan said his prayers, mixed his vitamins with steroids and beefed up for the role to look perfect in his little pink tutu. Hogan was sure this movie was going to be a timeless classic, but by the end of the year that year's no. 1 hit was another Arnie movie, Kindergarten Cop.

This really pissed Hogan off, so he decided to take every role Schwarzenegger had ever played and combine them into the one movie, which ended up leading to a continuation of the movies' story in a TV show. The show was called Knight Rider Thunder In Paradise. Hogan played a retired wrestler marine who was keen on steroids, loved children, hated Iraqis foreigners, and lived on a beach where it was always sunny, never rained, had a lot of chicks in bikinis, and anyone ugly was a bad dude, Brotha.

Hogan enlisted an all-star cast of acting talent for the show, such as Chris Lemon, The Giant Gonzales and that old dude from The Avengers. For the movie, Hogan needed an annoying kid to play his daughter, so he asked his good pal Steve Guttertrash if he knew anyone. Steve recommended the little brat who had played the little lady in his last and final movie, 3 Men & A Horny Lady. So the cast was set, and Hogan was ready to outdo Arnie in his own movie which had beaches, babes, boobs and shit blowing up. The movie was shot and finished in two hours, as not much thinking is needed for these types of movies, and Hogan was set to out-shine Arnie. But guess what? Arnie released True Lies and no one even saw T.I.P. Hogan decided they better make a sequel, but Disney MGM said why not just make a TV series out of it — so Hogan began working on the show. Each week a new bad guy resembling one from Arnie's movies was cast, and Hogan ripped off one Arnie character after another, everything from Predator to Jingle All The Way. The pilot was called Santa With Muscles.

The MGM executives kinda liked the idea of chicks in bikinis in a place that never rains, but they felt Hogan was trying to be too much like Arnie and coming across as a douche-bag. Besides, the whole idea behind a talking state-of-the-art boat was just a complete rip off of Knight Rider. So the executives figured they may as well get rid of both the boat and Hogan, and start the series from scratch. It was now called Boobwatch, starring David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson. Hogan would find himself out of work once again, so he went and made one last attempt at making a successful action film. He was sure The Secret Agent Club would be a huge success, but it was dismissed as just being a cheap imitation of True Lies.

Hogan and Hulkamania had not run wild on Hollywood as he thought he would, so where was a washed up old has-been retired wrestler who can't act for shit to go now?


WCW, Nigga[edit]

Hogan found himself being asked to join the WCW because they were buying up all the useless old talent the WWF was done with. Hogan came out of retirement and fans were happy to see him again, but after seeing two matches of Hogan doing the same old crap again they grew tired of it. They were more interested in re-runs of My Little Pony. Soon all the effort Hogan had made to get the fellow superstars of his TV show Thunder In Paradise ringside for his first WCW match against the nature boy, Dick Shair, his title win in his debut match almost seemed for nothing. Hogan then tried to side with the biggest name in WCW, Sting, but in a last desperate attempt to ask Sting if he could play bass for The Police. Hogan went into a fit of anger when Sting told him the Police were not even together anymore. So Hogan challenged Sting to a match, and said he would slam him, but this match never took place as it was just too soon after the disaster of the famous Ultimate Warriors loss to Phil Collins at the previous WCW PPV. Hogan struggled to find an opponent whom people would give a shit about if he slammed them. The WCW was so desperate for ratings they wanted fresh talent to play the man who saves the day from rule-breaking bad guys. When his friend Sting was in trouble against an old rival named Bufford T. Justice (who now called himself SexPistol Vicious and had joined forces with the Four Whoresmen), Hogan knew his gimmick was done for. Instead of calling upon the red and yellow to come to Sting's aid, they instead sent out Robocop ... it finally dawned on Hogan no one cared about his slamming giants or leg dropping tanks any more. His final moment of recognition of this fact was when he found out his opponent of the week was Shockmaster and that they were cheering for him instead of Hogan. Hogan had even kissed and made up with the Nacho Man and reunited the Megasteriodaddicts, but no one really gave a shit; they had seen it before and wanted something different. Hogan decided it was time to make a change. He was pissed that the Hulkamaniacs were bored of his telling them to say their prayers, inject their vitamins and snort their steroids; it was time to take the WCW company by the balls. It was time he was back on top as the man who everyone took the dives to, and it was time to run wild and shit on the WCW, so Hogan decided he would get his revenge by making Suburban Commando II. That didn't work, so he decided to switch to the dark side of Hulkamania and side with the Emperor, Eric Pissoff.

Nwo logo.jpg

The N.W.O.[edit]

Hulk Hogan's nWo look
The nWo rainbow faction

For over a hundred years Hulk Hogan had put all the Hulkamaniacs around the world to sleep with the same show every night. So it was time for a change — it was time to do the same old crap in a different way. Hulkster teamed up with his new BFF's, Razor Ramon and Diesel, who had just come from Hogan's old stomping ground (WWF) in a trade to the WCW for rights to the Shockmaster and a jar that is said to contain a fart personally sealed in a bottle by Jerry Garcia at Woodstock. Hogan and his ladies of the night decided it was time to turn the WCW on its heels and take over the world of professional wrestling from within the boundaries of WCW territory, and form an alliance to make sure no one — and Hogan meant no one — would ever be able to go over his authority again.

The plan set into motion, Snott Balls and Kevin Crapp began appearing on WCW TV, like they were an invasion from another planet. They took over the microphones and danced around like fairies for the camera, then announced they were not alone — there was a third man, a third man who would dance with them through the night. But who was this third dancer they spoke of?

At the next PPV — "WCW's Jam This Up Your Ass, WWF" — Hulk's buddy The Nacho Man was being attacked by Balls and Crapp, and a few guys from the back tried to run down to Savage's aid. They were met with a swan dive by Crapp and Balls finished them off with his devastating finishing move, the outsider's goatsie. Then the red and yellow appeared, and fans went "YAY ... oh wait, it's him." Hogan came down the aisle and it looked like he was coming to the aid of Savage — but nope, Hogan pranced into the ring and gave Freddy Savage a couple hundred leg drops in what was known as one of the biggest moments of Hogan's career that didn't involve his body-slamming anything. People threw shit at the trio, left right and center, and Hogan, Balls and Crapp all danced through the shit tsunami like it was snowing chocolate.

The following week saw the birth of the nWo. Hogan, ditching his classic yellow and red, donned black and was struck by lightning several bajillion times, which left its mark on his newly spray-painted black lycra leggings. He changed his name legally from "Hulk Hogan" to "Hollywood Hogan" in front of the High Supreme Court of Mexico. Hogan felt this made him several million times more effective at anything, ever. Upon being confronted by an angry pregnant mother with her five-year-old son (who idolised Hogan) in tow, Hogan punched an elephant to death and promptly body-slammed the corpse on top of them, and proceeded to spray paint "nWo 4 life" on the dead elephant's back.

This was what the nWo was all about, slamming animals on kids and then vandalizing them, and also laying claim to everything now being owned by the nWo, kinda like when a dog pisses on something to mark its territory only when it pisses on something it's now a member of the nWo. From approximately 1996 to 1993 the nWo ran wild. Hogan popularized his method of knocking out his enemies by hitting them in the back of the head with a spray-paint can, then carving nWo into their bare backs with a rusty screwdriver. This was how the nWo would roll, BROTHA.

The nWo started to become very popular, and soon people were behind the nWo wanting to fuck asses with them and spray paint it when they were done. The nWo started a huge rivalry among other WCW wrestlers such as Stink, Dick Shair, The Shitman Bret Fart, The Giant Andre wanna-be and Richard Simmons. But it was a newcomer to the WCW who sparked the biggest rivalry — a woman who was a WWF's Steve Austin rip-off (only black), Whoopi Goldberg. She became a huge name overnight, parading as a nun and having a really kick-ass entrance where she and twelve other nuns would sing rock 'n' roll classics with words changed to praise her religious god, Lemmy of Motorhead, and inhale smoke from fire extinguishers as a cool pyro gag. The conflict between the religion of Lemmy and Hulk Hogan's nWo belief in the gods of steroids instantly became a huge rivalry. Hall was the first of the nWo to take on Goldberg, but he was defeated with Jackasser within seconds. Nash was up next, but he chipped a nail and lost the match, so it was up to the Hollywood Super Steroid himself. Hogan came down with a bad case of PMS and had to forfeit the match.

The nWo was having trouble defeating Goldberg, and Hogan would lose the title to her once his menstrual cycle stopped playing up. This caused controversy in the nWo and Hogan insisted that all members of the nWo needed to say their prayers, work hard, and eat a shit-load more steroids. This, however, was not what Hall and Nash thought it should be, as they wanted to just try getting drunk and seeing where it went from there. Eventually this led to the nWo's splitting into two rival factions. Hogan led the original black-and-white nWo, while Hall & Nash started up the red faction, which they named the "nWo Fudge Packers".

Within the next show, both sides of the nWo had recruited more than fifty thousand new wrestlers each. This led to Hall and Nash being so drunk they did not even know whom they were recruiting any more, and said "to hell with it", spending most of their time in bars or getting drunk on airplanes where they would have sex with as many stewardesses as they could. This started up their new faction, the "nWo Mile High Club".

Over the next two years the nWo eventually collapsed, as there were only four WCW wrestlers left who had not joined the nWo and two of those were in comas anyway. So the nWo empire crumbled and WCW returned to the way it was before the nWo invasion. But ratings were really declining over the next few years, so a gamble was made to bring back the nWo and see if it could boost ratings. Hall, Nash and Hogan returned as the nWo, together again. That night the show had a ratings boost of 0.1 — which looked good at the time, but then Hall announced again that they were going to start recruiting more members for the nWo, everyone watching just switched off their TV's saying, "Not this shit again." Thus the nWo crumbled once more, and WCW went out of business the next day.

"You won't tell anyone about this, Brook, if you know what's best for you."

Hogan Knows Best[edit]

Brook, Hulk's daughter

Now that Hogan had retired from wrestling again, it was only natural to hire a film crew to record the day-to-day life of the Hogan family. Hulk wanted the show to be called The Hogan Family but network producers said it had already been done twenty years ago. This made Hogan angry, so he got on his pee-wee 900 and went out to find Jason Bateman to slam his ass and leg drop him, which he did. He slammed Bateman's head so hard into the ground that Bateman's career has sucked even more than Teen Wolf Too ever since.

So the cameras were installed to the Hogan house, and America was forced to watch Father Hulk Hogan, Mother Titty Sags Hogan, Dorky Son Hogan, and Jail-bait Hogan in their day to day lives of injecting steroids into each others dicks, while trying to escape from the Nazi P.O.W camp. Hogan had moved the family to the Nazi war territory because he felt that taking on a bunch of Neo Nazi bad guys would satisfy his urge to pick people up and slam them, plus he was a long-time member of the KKK. Hogan would fight the evil forces off that Corneal Clink would ascend upon Hogan each time he wanted to go to the shop for a box of fags. Hogan would fill in prime-time viewing by killing Germans, and pumping iron, while the wife would inject steroids into her tits to enlarge them, while their daughter Brooke became the no. 1 sensational slut in America overnight — and the son was about as popular a douche-bag as the kid who played Ozzy Osbourne's son.

The show about the boring lives of a sagging wrinkly old mother and her husband ran for three seasons — which just proves that only in America can you find people dumb enough to watch this kind of shit. Every boy under twelve worshipped Brooke Hogan, yet they also thought Britney Spears was a talented musician. But with the few fans the show had, they were shocked to hear the news that the show was to be canceled at the end of season 3, as Hulk Hogan decided in a mid life crisis attempt to be hip with the kids again. He'd have to start doing what the kids were doing, and to be their idol; he'd have to sleep with the most desirable woman to a kid — and incest was not allowed on MTV yet. Some sneak previews of Hogan's feeling up his own daughter were leaked onto the internet, and even a controversial black market video was released on the internet of Father Hogan and Jailbait Hogan in an intimate encounter which led to the divorce of Hulk and his wife because she knew he would always cheat on her with someone who had firmer and faker tits than she had.



Return of the N.W.O.[edit]

As you may or may not know, the WCW was purchased by WWF owner Vince McMahon, which meant he owned everything the WCW had created from the nWo to Robocop. But what would Vince do with the WCW? He did what any man in charge of the history of the WCW would do — he buried it. Soon the WWF had to change its name to the WWE over a dispute they had with an animal rights group. (Pandas want tax reductions on their breast implants like all the other WWF Divas, but Vince refused to budge.) He lost the case when the Pandas won a settlement and forced the WWF to change its name to World Wobblies Enlargements.

Vince had employed several of the WCW wrestlers he thought might have somewhat an ability to actually wrestle, so this meant none of the members of the nWo were required. Vince still owned the nWo, but never had any intentions to use it. His mind would change a few months later when Dick Shair stole co-ownership of the WWE from Vince. Vince decided if Dick wouldn't give his company back to him, he would destroy it. Dick did not listen to reason, and Vince was on the phone right away to Hall, Nash and Hogan to bring the nWo to the WWE and attempt to destroy it by having the nWo recruit everyone in the WWE until the fans became chronically confused once again as to who the hell was a member of the nWo and who wasn't. Viewers simply switched over to watch something more interesting on TV like Denver: The Last Dinosaur.

The nWo appeared on WWE Raw the next night, and Dick knew that if the nWo started recruiting people again ratings would drop, people wouldn't watch anymore, and the WWE would lose all of its stock value. Rick tried to be brave and not cave in, but before you know it the nWo was recruiting everyone in site, and stocks in the company were worth -44 cents. Dick Shair made a deal with Vince that if he paid the -44 cent debt Dick owed now, Vince could have the company back. So Vince now owned the WWE again, fired the nWo and ratings went back to normal. However, just before the rest of the nWo was fired, Hogan had been challenged by one of the most electrifying men in sports entertainment to date, The Rock. While Hogan was out with the nWo cutting a promo about how Jim Ross's chair was now part of the nWo and boring fans to death, The Rock interrupted the chair's induction to challenge Hollyweed Hogan to a match at Wrestlefakia, Man to Old Man, Steroids versus Millions — and The Rock means millions of dollars to be paid to Hogan to take a dive to him for a change.


Icon Vs. Icon[edit]

Hogan faced his biggest challenge yet, because Hogan is computer illiterate. The Rock icon version 2.9 had openly challenged Hogan to a main event match at Wrestlefakia, but how was Hogan going to slam a computer icon? Hogan had no friends with computer skills, all his friends from the Rock N Wrestling days had no clue how to work a PC. Things did not look good for the Hulkster. Come match day at Wrestlefakia, Hogan dawned his nWo gear, attached his colostomy bag and said a few prayers, but realized his steroids were going to be useless for this new age match up against the worlds most electrifying data entry wrestler known as The Rock.

Hogan entered the ring and sat down at his laptop, while in the other corner The Rock was already uploading his tactics to defeat Hogan. The bell rang and The Rock began feeding data to his Pentium-processor-powered PC, while Hulk fiddled with the buttons on his laptop trying to figure out how to turn the thing on. The Rock began an assault of hexadecimal coding chains that sent the crowd into a roar of excitement. Hogan tried to counterattack by praying to God to make his laptop boot up. The Rock then opened up MS Paint and drew a nasty picture of Hogan taking it up the butt from Jarred from Subway. The Hulkster was not looking good. For the first half of the match The Rock dominated Hogan, launching commands and making Rudee-pooh, candy-ass pictures that mocked the Hulkster.

Things started changing when Hogan found the power switch, and it looked like things were going to boot heat up. Hogan delivered The Rock the big boot up sequence that knocked The Rock's computer off its table. Hulkamania looked like it was about to load up and run wild in the background of Windows XP. The Rock began to look desperately for a way to counter-hack Hogan's big boot up attack, but he could not. The sound of "Welcome, Where would you like to go today?" echoed out of Hogan's laptop. Now Hogan was back in the race.

At this time, the nWo appeared with their newest members, Stephen Hawking and Bill Gates. They were going to have them hook into Hogan's laptop and help hack The Rock's desktop, but Hogan had a change of heart — he ordered the nWo to go back stage and stay out of this battle, this one he wanted to do fair and square.

The Rock quickly installed a nasty people's Ibrow Trojan which he E-mailed directly into the heart of Hogan's in-box. But something strange was happening, the crowd was beginning to side with Hogan, and fans yelled out commands and inputs for Hogan to try. It seemed the power of Hulkamania was returning. Hogan soon countered the trojan by downloading an antivirus and was back online and executing dos commands to block The Rock's attacks with a firewall, sending the crowd into a roar of thunderous cheers. Hulkamania was rising once again, and fueling the power needed to execute the 1.21 gigabytes of ram he needed to get to The Rock, in a last desperation attempt, got up from his seat and pulled the battery out of Hogan's laptop, which allowed his 3-count to be downloaded to the referee's instant messenger service.

Hogan had lost the match. But the crowd were on their feet, cheering at both men for one of the most epic battles they had ever witnessed at Wrestelfakia. Hogan extended his hand to The Rock, and held his arm up to declare who was the better man. As Hogan was about to leave the ring, The Rock called him back, and to show great sportsmanship he deleted the nasty photos of Hogan from his hard-drive. Hogan and The Rock then in traditional Hulkamania fashion, flexed and posed together for the crowd for nine weeks.

The next time Hogan was seen on Raw, he was out there to admit The Rock was the better man, and The Rock came out to give Hogan a thank you cuddle and offer him a night of spooning. But then the other members of the nWo appeared saying they were Hogan's spoon buddies, not The Rock. The Rock then asked the Hulkster whom would he rather spoon with, the nWo or the people? Hogan could feel the power of Hulkamnia in the air, and all the little Hulkamaniacs who wanted him to return to the red and yellow panties and spoon with them. Hogan made the decision that Hulkamania was back, alive and well. The nWo were sent back to the fudge packing factory.


Retire already, damn it[edit]

Hulkamania ran wild once again — for a week. Fans were reminded that Hogan's matches were usually a snore-fest, and the first rule the WWE set on Hogan was wear some pants cause his saggy wrinkly old balls were dangling out of his yellow knickers. So Hogan changed his look to a tie-died pair of leotard slacks and a boa around his neck, now that he had gotten over his jealousy of Arnold Schwarzenegger and was trying to outdo Jesse Ventura. Hogan even threatened to run for president of the USA by wearing Rey Mysterio Junior's clothing and calling himself The Patriot. But the campaign was declared a bust when the people cast their votes that they didn't want Hogan running their country into the ground like he did the WCW. They were happy with the idiot they currently had running the country into the ground.

Hogan decided he may as well challenge the The Undertaker to a ten-year-old too-late rematch. Hogan lost the match against The Undertaker, and proved he couldn't take a bump anymore. The Undertaker choke-slammed him and Hogan fell to the ground in one of the worst looking botched moves since Kevin Costner made Waterworld. Hogan reminded everyone that he could bore audiences to death with the same old matches he always had, though fans were screaming for him to retire already. But Hogan then set his eyes on Triple-H. Hogan informed Triple-H that there was only one man who should never put anyone else over in this business, and always paid off his opponents to take a dive to him. But Triple-H refused to stand down and be the no. 2 man to do such things. "H" told Hogan he was the new wave of the man who pays guys to take a dive to him, and that he would see Hogan in the ring. This kinda scared the shit out of Hogan, as "H" was the new generation of steroid enhanced muscle men, and he was not going to accept a bribe to take a dive. Hogan's ego would not let him back out of the challenge though, so Hogan ended up getting his ass handed to him by "H" and the fans thought finally, maybe, now Hogan would fuck off and retire.

Hogan decided maybe it was time to retire, as Triple-H was not going to let Hulkamania run wild over him for a bribe of twenty bucks and a blow-job. So Hogan made the decision — it was time to hang up the yellow and red panties, and finally go off and make Suburban Commando II.


Hulkamania lives forever[edit]

In 2003 Hogan returned to the WWE to be inducted into the WWE Hall Of Shame. Hogan had also received a wide boost in popularity when his botched choke-slam The Undertaker gave him won the first place yearly prize on America's Funniest Home Videos. The fans welcomed Hogan to the ceremony and wanted to see him botch a move one more time. The crowd kept chanting, "One more botch, one more botch"; Hogan said in his induction, "Never say never" — meaning Hogan may give the fans what they want, and botch up selling a move one more time for Hulkamania.

Ya gotta believe.

The end of a legend[edit]

In 2004 The Fartstink Kid, Shawn Micheals, a.k.a. HBGay, needed an opponent to take on the tag-team of a couple of foreigners, and with HBGay given the opportunity to select anyone he wanted to be his partner, he selected Hogan for some reason. He could have picked anyone, like Doink The Clown or The Gobbledegooker but no, he wanted Hogan. Why? We may never know, but Hogan accepted the offer and HBGay and Hogan teamed up to kick the shit out of the non-American team in traditional WWE racist stereotype fashion. Then as Hogan and HBgay were celebrating, HBGay got sick and tired of Hogan flexing and posing his steroid built muscles for the crowd, that he delivered the sweet chin music (super kick) to Hogan's wrinkly old testicles.

The following night on RAW HBGay said that he just wanted to know what it was like to stop Hogan from taking so damn long to pose after a victory. And it felt good to just kick Hulkamania in the balls for all the bored to death Hulkamaniacs out there having to see a 500-year-old man flex for hours on end. Hogan then stated a challenge to HBGay that he was not old, and that Hulkamaniacs loved to be bored to death by his victory poses. HBGay accepted the challenge and Hogan would take on HBGay for the first, and last time.

Hogan handed HBGay twenty bucks before the match, and said, "Take a dive kid, or I will make Suburban Commando II." With a threat like that, Shawn accepted the bribe and was happy to take a dive to Hogan. Hogan was victorious in what should have been his last match ever.


Wait, no it's not[edit]

Hogan hadn't given the fans what they wanted to see, he had left the WWE and claimed he had retired, but the chants grew louder from fans to see Hogan botch up one more time. So soon enough, another challenger in the WWE started calling himself the "legend killer", a faggot by the name of Randy Orton. He would go out and beat up old guys like Mae Young and Tom Sellick, so this lead to him wanting to beat up the oldest known geriatric known to man in the wrestling world, Hulk Hogan. Hogan accepted the challenge, but backstage, things were a bit difficult. Randy was just a spoiled little shit, so Hogan's bribe of twenty bucks to take a dive was not going to cut it. Orton demanded Hogan give him 25 bucks, and a buy him a pony if Hogan wanted him to take a dive. Hogan told Orton that kind of bribe was just ridicules & refused to pay it. Hogan told Orton he had no respect for his elders, and how back in his days kids would take a dive to him for a nickle, but Randy was too pig headed and would not give in to his demands. Hogan even threatened he would go and make another movie, but Randy arrogantly said he couldn't possibly make a worse movie than The Marine.

Hogan had never faced a challenge like this before, Orton was not going to budge on his deal, and Hogan was left with the proposition to pay the ransom money, or lose the match. Hogan decided, fuck it, he will try and kick Randy Ortons ass without bribing him to take a dive. So Hogan went back to his roots, and medicated himself up on super steroids, and told Orton to meet him in the ring at BummerSlam.

The day of reckoning came, and Hogan and Orton squared off. Orton showed his cockiness by giving Hogan a wedgie that left a mark for weeks, but Hogan fought back old school style and gave Orton one of the nastiest Chinese burns in known history. Orton began to shed tears from the pain, and went crying to his daddy to tell on Hogan for being a big meanie to him, but Hogan was the bigger man, and when faced by Orton's father, Hogan simply picked him up and slammed him, then let go a dusty old fart that elevated him enough to land an atomic leg drop, that now looked like an atomic dust pile, sure Hogan didn't have enough power left in his ass to elevate himself like he used to, but it was enough to keep Papa Orton down and out. Hogan then focused his attention back on Orton who was trying to text his friends to come back him up, but Hogan summoned the powers of Hulkamania and grabbed the phone from Orton, slammed it the mat and gave it a leg drop. Hulkamania was running wild again, and the fans were cheering for him to botch up taking the RKO, so Hogan let him give him one, and Hogan successfully botched it old Hulk Hogan fashion by taking the move and not selling it, Hogan got right back up and Hulked up on Orton and slammed him, then slammed his dad on top of him, then slammed the referee on him, then slammed a table and a chair and just about everything else the nWo once laid claim to, then Hogan took a deep breath, cupped his ear to the crowd, and ran into the rope and back to deliver one of the biggest farts Hulkamania had ever produced, Hogan blasted a hundred feet into the air then shit his pants, and fell back to the ring with his leg held out and aimed it onto the pile of laying bodies and objects in the ring. Unfortunately, Hogan missed his target by thirty feet, but he still managed to get back up and pin Orton for the 3-count.

It was the final botch in Hulkamania history seen in the WWE. Fans rejoiced and applauded that Hogan was now finally going to stop wrestling and not make a movie ever again.

Hulkamania is finally over[edit]

Hogan retired from the WWE, and the world became a much better place. Flowers bloomed, and birds sung, clouds turned white and peace reigned all over the world. Osama Bin Laden joined Greenpeace, George W. Bush grew a brain, Bill Clinton had sex with his own wife, and the universe was ready to live happily ever after. - The End :)

Oh shit, he's not?[edit]

The world was shocked to hear the news that Hulk Hogan was not done with wrestling yet! Just a few short years after he had retired, he announced he announced he was going to wrestle again. This caused stock markets in wrestling to crash, toilet paper dropped by 15%, counseling groups were set up by lesbian dictators, the president retired and 90210 started advertising Dr. Pepper in every scene of their show and Australia declared war on Utah ... but the tragic events died down and people breathed a sigh of relief when they heard who Hogan was going to wrestle for — like anyone would tune into that fucking wrestling company's show.


Impact! (TNA series)[edit]

The Epic battle of 2014 in a crock v croc matchup
Brook Hogan's debut in 2013. You know you wanna run wild on it.

Hogan announced in a press conference that due to not being able to get financial backing to make Suburban Commando II, he needed a job now that his ex-wife's boobs had exploded from too many steroid injections & she used all the money for replacement titties. Hogan had asked his old bum chum Eric Pissoff to help him take over TNA wrestling. Hogan and Pissoff bought the company and then announced on TNA IMPACT that they were going to run wild on it, like they did in the WCW — meaning they would be able to take over a semi successful company and run it into the ground, then collect the insurance money to fund Hogan's movie plans. Hogan was visited on the show by his old nWo buddies, who for some reason wanted to join with Hogan like nothing had ever happened, but Hogan told them everyone in the business has to botch things up for themselves, and that Hogan was now the king of botching things up, and he didn't need anyone elses help to drive the company into the ground. Hogan then fired all the TNA talent and brought back his old buddies like the Nasty Boys and Hacksaw Jim Duggen to help elevate the fastest sinking ship in wrestling history. Hogan is even contributing to the fall of TNA himself by wrestling again and boring fans to death with his botched moves and payouts to younger guys for taking dives to him. Once Hogan had achieved running the company out of business, it's Suburban Commando II or bust.

Hogan cleaning toilets since he left the WWE and attempted to make TNA the WWE competition

It's finally over[edit]

TNA went out of business in September of 2014, Hogan finally had achieved what he set out to do, TNA was buried and left with memorable moments like when Hogan teamed up with Chuck Norris to take on Ric Flair and Dusty Rhoads in a "which of these old farts will manage to be able to get into the ring first without dying or breaking a hip" match — which Hogan paid off the others to let him win in a total time of 4 hours and 23 minutes. And no one will ever forget when Sting let Hogan play bass for the first time in the Police reunion one-night-only special paper view event.

No it's not[edit]

In December of 2013 it was revealed that Vince McMahon had purchased TNA in a corporate takeover just to rub it in Hogan's face that he now owned TNA and Hogan would receive no payout to fund his movie he had been trying to make for 25 years. And to rub it further in Hogan's face, Vince told Hogan he owned the rights to the names Hulk Hogan, Hulkamania and Hulkamaniacs, and that all the time he had spent in TNA saying those words, were in direct violation of copyright infringement. So now Hogan had the choice to either pay his debt of $13.50 for the copyright infringements, face jail time or work for him once again helping move The Big Shows drunken ass around like he originally did for Andre back when he started. Hogan could not face the idea of having no money to pay off prisoners to take a dive and let them be HIS bitch, and Hogan's ex-wife had spent all his money buying new tits for herself, so Hogan had no choice but to be the Big Shows pick up boy.

Is he done now?[edit]

Let's just say our prayers, eat our vitamins and hope Hulk never pisses off The Big Show enough for him to challenge him at a future Wrestlefakia, and we can also cross our fingers and hope when Hogan injects steroids into the eye of his dick he explodes like Mr. Wonderfuckingfull did twenty years ago. But only time will tell if Hulkamania will ever raise its head again and come back to bore the living shit out of wrestling fans across the world. Just keep the faith, Brotha, just keep the faith.

Misc logo.gif

Musical career[edit]

He made the music that made people rape common house plants.
"Beach Patrol" is a kick-ass song!

When Hogan wasn't bribing younger dudes to take a dive to him, he was found sometimes using some of the money he once had to record music. No one has the testicular fortitude to tell Hogan to his face that the reason his recordings do not sell is because ... well, to put it in the words of the famous critics Siskel & Beavis, "Euhhh, huh huh, this like, sucks ass 'n' stuff, yeah. Euhhh, I said ass". Hogan recorded his first song in 1845 with his drinking buddy steroid supplier, Jimmy "Fart In My Mouth & I will Go South On You" Hart, Hulk abused a bass guitar while Jimmy blasted out regurgitating sounds on his megaphone in a song tune noise they called "I'm Gonna Slam You If You Don't Buy This Song, Brotha". The song was a mediocre hit in Russia; it debuted at no. 5069 but was knocked out of its position by Abbas "Mamamia", which is why Hogan hates all foreigners to this day. In 1993 Hogan put together a band called the "Wrestling Big Boot Band" and made one of the most unintentional hilarious albums of all time, simply titled, Hulk Hogan and the wrestling big boot band.

The album charted even worse than his previous single. The album featured the no. 1 smash hit in Hogan's mind, "Beach Patrol" which Hogan says is the greatest song ever written, and if you disagree with him, and your not American, he will slam you back to your home country, Brotha. The album also featured "Bad To The Bone" which shows without a doubt that Hogan is not the brightest tool in the shed as the song sounds nothing like the original, but Hogan defended it in an interview saying, "Shut the fuck up, Dude!" The third single from the smashed to pieces album was "I wanna be a nymphomaniac and have fun with my dead family and friends" which was a decent tune, but a bit before its time. The fourth and last single was "Hulkster's In The House Cause He Just Slammed Another Hulkamaniac and He Will Kick His Ass Again In Heaven and Slam Him Through the Clouds And Make Him Come Crashing Down So Hard That It Hurts His Pride Inside, Dude, Brotha, Nigga", which was just a ripoff of Metallica's "Ride The Lightning". After the albums release and fail to make any money back for WCW records, a law was stated that Hulk Hogan may never ever record another song ever again in the United States. That's when Hogan headed to Japan and recorded his only hit song, "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday" which was a super smash hit on the Tokyo bill board because anything that sounds as crap as that has to be a smash hit in Japan. Hogan now hates all the Japanese people now because the song was knocked off the charts by an even worse song, if you can believe it BROTHA called "Crazy Frog Sings: Hulkster's In The House Cause He Just Slammed Another Hulkamaniac and He Will Kick His Ass Again In Heaven and Slam Him Through the Clouds And Make Him Come Crashing Down So Hard That It Hurts His Pride Inside, Dude, Brotha, Nigga — DJ Tanner Club Remix".


See also[edit]