The Most Quotable Smackdown of All Time
“There was a Smackdown....and I wasn't informed?!”
“It all started one day when I was walking through a flower garden and writing poetry.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“As I recall, you were actually smoking crack.”
~ Winston Churchill
“That's ridiculous. I was reflecting on the inner beauty of the the soul of the lonely, dignified carnation.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“A carnation called compulsive shoplifting”
~ Mark Twain
“I was not shoplifting! And anyway, it's not stealing if they're free.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Yes, and it's also not stealing if the shop owner catches you and beats you. Quite simply, good sir, you suck at shoplifting.”
~ Mark Twain
“Dude, I don't suck, you suck.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“No, I agree, you suck.”
~ Winston Churchill
“There is only one thing worse than sucking, and that is not sucking.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“And I do not suck.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Let's take a vote on it.”
~ Winston Churchill
“Sucks.”
~ Mark Twain
“Sucks.”
~ Winston Churchill
“Fine. Let's see how many quotes are on all your making up quotes pages.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“...”
~ incorporealescence
“Not so many!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“...”
~ incorporealescence
“So what? People don't want to make up our quotes because they know they could never match our wit. We're far too cool.”
~ Winston Churchill
“I'm so cool, I'm talking in green."”
~ Mark Twain
“I'm so cool, I'm talking in green, And I'm going to put a headline right here just because I feel like it!”
~ Winston Churchill
OSCAR WILDE IS A SOCKFLOBBIT
“Ha ha ha ha ha!”
~ Mark Twain
“I am not a sockflobbit!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“You can't not be a sockflobbit, Oscar. It's written right there on the internet. It must be true.”
~ Mark Twain
“I'm so cool, I-”
~ Winston Churchill
“Shut up shut up SHUT UP!”
~ Ambrose Bierce
“Come take a seat on my anger sword.”
~ Ill Mitch
“All right. Shut up. Everybody!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“[silence]”
~ incorporealescence
“Wee-ooo-wee-ooo!”
~ Mark Twain
“SHUT UP!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“NO! You shut up, hippie!”
~ Mark Twain
“[silence]”
~ incorporealescence
“Anyway, I was walking through the flower garden, when I saw Winston Churchill knocking up... wait, I mean 'over', a baby carriage.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
~ Mark Twain
“The stupid baby was making faces.”
~ Winston Churchill
“I said, 'Why Winston, that is not an act becoming of a world leader such as yourself!'”
~ Oscar Wilde
“He was drunk, wasn't he?”
~ Mark Twain
“Well, I suppose I did take a little beer during my stroll.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Ya. They sold beer right next to the lillies.”
~ Winston Churchill
“Ha ha ha ha ha!”
~ Mark Twain
“And anyway, it wasn't beer. It was scotch.”
~ Winston Churchill
“...”
~ incorporealescence
“A lot of scotch.”
~ Winston Churchill
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'm drunk right now!”
~ Mark Twain
“Man, Oscar! You were so tanked.”
~ Winston Churchill
“Incidently, Wilde, I just read Dorian Gray last week.”
~ Mark Twain
“You read it drunk, I suppose.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Of course! I needed to be drunk. That book sucked. I mean, If I wasn't reading it drunk I think my head would have imploded.”
~ Mark Twain
“Hey! I'll have you know that that book is taught in high schools throughout the world!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“I remember when my professor introduced that book. He said, 'Class, this book is stupid and it sucks. I'm assigning it to you as torture. I'll expect a twenty page report next Friday.'”
~ Winston Churchill
“[Ahem!] I TOLD WINSTON THAT HIS BEHAVIOUR WAS UNBECOMING. HE WAS UNCOOPERATIVE.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“You threatened to kick me in the shin! Do you expect me to cooperate?”
~ Winston Churchill
“I POLITELY TOLD HIM THAT HE HAD BEST CEASE HIS BEHAVIOUR FOR HIS OWN BENEFIT. HE CONTINUED TO ACCOST THE INFANT, SO I TOOK APPROPRIATE ACTION.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“You call shooting at me with an AK-47 appropriate action!?”
~ Winston Churchill
“It was an M-16.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Well, at least he's patriotic. (Nice gun).”
~ Mark Twain
“I was in the process of subduing this dignified statesman, when Mark Twain showed up. He thought our situation absolutely hilarious, so he sat on a bench and laughed. Winston, then, kicked him in the shin.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“He deserved it.”
~ Winston Churchill
“Yeah, I kind of did.”
~ Mark Twain
“But you didn't expect me to be carrying an axe of dignity!”
~ Mark Twain
“And then Mark Twain chopped Winston Churchill's head off.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“[silence]”
~ incorporealescence
“I got better.”
~ Winston Churchill
“Say, by the way, Wilde. What's the deal with all this 'behaviour' stuff. It's 'behavior,' you English bastard. Spell it right!”
~ Mark Twain
“-Ahem!- So there I was, me with nothing but my morals-”
~ Oscar Wilde
“I wish it would have been "nothing but your morals and your pants.”
~ Winston Churchill
“Me with nothing but my morals and insane Mark Twain, swinging an ax at me in blood-lust!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“I wouldn't call it bloodlust. I had a faint desire for a little blood, maybe.”
~ Mark Twain
“And he chopped my head off!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Well you shot me in nose! You got better, but I still can't smell a thing!”
~ Mark Twain
“Wait a minute, Bob Dole wants in on this.”
~ Bob Dole
“Oh damn. Now he's here.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Please Escort Bob Dole away, Mr. Twain!”
~ Winston Churchill
“AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!”
~ Mark Twain
“Mark Twain stumbles to the ground, thus failing his removal attempt, and in the accident chops his own head off”
~ Smackdown Announcer
“I guess you shouldn't try that while you're drunk, huh Mark?”
~ Winston Churchill
“That's gotta hurt!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“What? so is he dead now?”
~ Bob Dole
“I'm afraid so.”
~ Winston Churchill
“That's a shame.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“No, wait! I'm okay!”
~ Mark Twain
“I thought you were dead, Mark!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Stop being such a sockflobbit.”
~ Mark Twain
“I'll show you who's the sockflobbit, you axe-mad yank! Wilde force attack!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Wait! Stop it! Bob Dole won't have this!”
~ Winston Churchill
“Yeah! Bob Dole won't have this!”
~ Bob Dole
“And what'll you do about it, Dole!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Bob Dole is calling... Bill Clinton!”
~ ~Bob Dole
“Hi y'all.”
~ Bill Clinton
“Hi, Bill”
~ Bob Dole
“So, y'all want to fight, huh?”
~ Bill Clinton
“They do, Bill”
~ Bob Dole
“And I'll bet y'all hate eachother's guts, right.”
~ Bill Clinton
“Sure do, Bill.”
~ Bob Dole
“Well, whenever I find myself wanting to punch Oscar Wilde in the face, I like to sing a little song. It goes like this-"”
~ Bill Clinton
“[Ring Ring]”
~ a cell phone
“Uh huh, Uh huh. But Hillary I- Yeah, alright. Uh huh. Okay. Bye Bye.”
~ Bill Clinton
“Well, it looks like Buddy ate Socks. I probably should go.”
~ Bill Clinton
“Bye Bill.”
~ Bob Dole
“Bye Bob.”
~ Bill Clinton
“...”
~ incorporealescence
“Now, where were we?”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Fighting! EEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”
~ Mark Twain
“Wildeforce 9! Buzzsaw mode!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“[Twenty seconds later]”
~ Sun Tzu
“Egad! That was the most horrible bloodbath I've ever seen between two notable nineteenth century writers since the last time this happened!”
~ Winston Churchill
“Owwwwww...”
~ Oscar Wilde
“uuuuhhhhh...”
~ Mark Twain
“Uhh... wow.”
~ Bob Dole
“So, Bob Dole...”
~ Winston Churchill
“Yeah.”
~ Bob Dole
“Want to get a burger?”
~ Winston Churchill
“Yeah.”
~ Bob Dole
“Wait a minute. You guys haven't finished your testimony yet.”
~ Judge
“Oh right, that.”
~ Winston Churchill
“Well, Bob Dole's going to go get a burger anyway. See ya Churchill.”
~ Bob Dole
“Yeah, see you Bob.”
~ Winston Churchill
“Now, where was I?”
~ Winston Churchill
“Twain just chopped Wilde's head off.”
~ Judge
“Yes, Twain had just chopped Wilde's head off. And mine had grown back just in time to see Twain's victory dance.”
~ Winston Churchill
“Your What had just grown back?”
~ Judge
“My head.”
~ Winston Churchill
“Oh... Wait. What?”
~ Judge
“My head. You see, in the late 1800s, I had acquired a -- never mind. Ask Poe about it sometimes. He tells the story much better than I do. Anyway, Twain did this kind of a Salsa dance with a little bit of a Cha Cha twist and I thought the whole production looked rather feminine. An Oscar Wilde joke came to mind, but I didn't say it, because I feel I'm a better man than that.”
~ Winston Churchill
“I see.”
~ Judge
“I observed that Mark Twain hadn't yet realized that my head had grown back, so I decided to surprise him with a mighty yell: 'EEEEAAAAAGGHHHHEEEEEAAAAGGGGGHHHHNNNNNNGGGGGG!'”
~ Winston Churchill
“Ohhhh...”
~ Oscar Wilde
“I can...just...barely...remember...that, because of all... the... searing pain... I'm experiencing... right now.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“So your head had grown back by this point too?”
~ Judge
“Of course.”
~ Winston Churchill
“So I screamed my mighty cry, and Mark Twain, in response, cried like a little girl.”
~ Winston Churchill
“I saw Oscar sneak up behind Twain, and crouch as if ready to trip him. So I pushed Mark Twain over Wilde into the fuming volcano below. His dying words were, 'Ham and eggs!'”
~ Winston Churchill
“I was hungry.”
~ Mark Twain
“But he's not dead. Actually, he's died two other times and he was dead just now, but he's still not dead!”
~ Judge
“You can't kill Mark Twain, judge. He's an immortal piece of Ninteenth Century Americana.”
~ Winston Churchill
“That is so corny.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“And you, too, survived decapitation for similar reasons.”
~ Judge
“Naturally.”
~ Winston Churchill
“So why are you three in court, anyway?”
~ Judge
“Beats me, you're the one who-- Oh wait, I remember now. That was when the cops arrested us later, for trying to hijack that car.”
~ Winston Churchill
“You stole a car!?”
~ Judge
“Tried to.”
~ Winston Churchill
“We were all so drunk.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Heh heh. How where we to know it was the President's limo?”
~ Mark Twain
“And Bob Dole caught us.”
~ Winston Churchill
“He would.”
~ Judge
“He said, 'Bob Dole doesn't like Grand Theft Auto...'”
~ Winston Churchill
“I do, San Andreas was freakin' sweet!”
~ Mark Twain
“...Then he beat us all to a pulp with Dole-Jitsu, and brought us in here.”
~ Winston Churchill
“May I say something?”
~ Sylvia Plath
“What do you want?”
~ Mark Twain
“I want to know...how life is like for the average teenager living in England.”
~ Sylvia Plath
“[silence]”
~ incorporealescence
“We're done now.”
~ Winston Churchill
“[silence]”
~ incorporealescence
“Well, having heard from all parties involved...”
~ Judge
“I deem you all insane, and condemn you to a life of editing Uncyclopedia 23 hours a day, and listening to William Shatner sing for the other hour.”
~ Judge
“And that's why Oscar Wilde has contributed so much to Uncyclopedia over the past 6 months.”
~ Bob Dole
“That, and the fact that he has to outdo Mark Twain, such childish behaviour.”
~ Winston Churchill
“George Bush doesn't care about any of you!”
~ Kanye West
“George Bush doesn't care about black people. Oh god, we're all going to Hell!”
~ Sylvia Plath
“Ask not if George Bush cares for any of us, but if any of us care about George Bush.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“ *Bursting In* OOGA BOOGA WHERE THE WHITE WOMEN AT?!”
~ Lenin
“Shut up! Just shut up!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“But what about the black people?!”
~ Kanye West
“Yes, what about those damned Negro's?! Did I mention we're all going to Hell in big Chinese ovens?”
~ Sylvia Plath
“I apologize for this Smackdown.”
~ George Bush
“In Soviet Russia, Smackdown apologizes for YOU!.”
~ Lenin
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