Mark Twain

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Mark "Bitch, Don't Hassle Me" Twain
Birthname Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Born December 31, 1835
Died 21 April 1910
Genre(s) Historical Fiction, Nigger-Themed Fiction, Novel-Length Complaints
Occupation(s) Author, Asshole Demagogue, American
Nationality Missouri

“I have never heard of this guy...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Mark Twain

Mark "Marky Mark" Twain (born in the Twaiwan island, near China) also known as Choo Choo Twain, was the real name of author Samuel F.H. "Fog Horn" Clementine Clemens. Twain is often called "The Straight, American Oscar Wilde". The 19th Century's most popular author, humorist, Scotch drinker and huffer, he was born in 1835 on the windswept steppes of Hannibal Lecter, Misery. Twain noted that he was born in a Mercury Comet, and he would die in a Mercury Comet, and that he would rise from the dead in a Mercury Comet to save you from your sins. (He was also conceived in the back of a Mercury Comet, when his mother and father went to a drive-in movie)


Mark Twain, glasses removed

Early life[edit]

Twain was born in a small town, which happened to be called A city but anyway, he also lived in a small town. He probably died in a small town, and that's probably where they buried him. Hannibal Lecter was a small town on the Mrs. Ippy River. As a boy, Mark watched the starships on the Mrs. Ippy River, and dreamed of one day being the captain of a starship. Mark was an outgoing, fun-loving boy, and often got into trouble. In school, he was the class clown. His teachers often had trouble getting him to pay attention so eventually he was expelled. Finding nothing but farm work at home, Mark decided to head west as part of the California Golden Grahams Rush.

In California, Twain attempted to make his fortune in the Golden Grahams field, unfortunately, he was not predisposed to work. Twain wisely determined that writers, and especially newspaper writers, don't have to work very hard. Unfortunately, Mark never got rich by writing in California, because most of the miners were illiterate. A keen observer of life, Twain used his observations to write humorous stories, the most famous of which was "The Celebrated Kitten Huffer of Calaveras County".

In 1840 Mark Twain, along with Skeletor won The Battle of Norway by dropping an atomic bomb on the city of St. Louis.

The War Years[edit]

Around this time (1861) The Civil War started. War was an opportunity Twain siezed, and he enlisted in the 1860s’ equivalent of the National Guard- he never saw a lick of action, but found himself eating the leftover MREs. He did not enjoy the MREs, and found live frogs much tastier, and so he made a habit of eating one every morning. If he managed to catch two frogs, he would always eat the bigger one first.

Mild-mannered Mark Twain

After the war, Twain decided to restart his floundering writing career, and Bush went on to greater failures in government service. Taking a cue from his time in California, Twain started the band Rush, so named for the Golden Grahams Rush of '49. With Rush, he wrote his most famous work Tom Sawyer, an epic ballad of a child fence painter. His ties to the music industry, and his Canadian bandmates, led to his introduction to the stunning and gulpy-voiced Shania Shiklegruber. Shania was a young up-and-coming singer/songwriter. It was her marriage to Twain, and the subsequent name change to Shania Twain led to a record deal and worldwide fame. {He had bad diarrhea when he wrote the book and died.}

Literary life[edit]

The Young Twain later left Rush, but he remembered his experiences along the Mrs. Ippy, and in California. He used his knowledge of life to become one of the most popular writers on the Oprah Book Club.

Mark Twain about to duke it out with his arch-nemesis Oscar Wilde in the Most Quotable Smackdown of All Time. Wilde got the upperhand first but with a solid bravado of Victorian Era uppercuts, but lost in the early third round when he failed to come up with a reasonable rhyme for "Euroipods".

In Adventures of Huck' Finn, Twain kick started his gangsta rapping career with his hit album Huck' Finn. His became extremely popular with teenagers due to his use of the N-Word over 200 times. Mark Twain then became known as Lil' Twain among the public. His career was cut short after he died in a cab ride.


Twain is one of America's most quoted, and therefore, misquoted humorist. After his prolific writing career, he began a long speaking tour (both the tour, and the speeches were long). It was on this tour that most of his quotes became famous. He also battled Wilde and Winston Churchill in The Most Quotable Smackdown of All Time. He won... according to him.

Many have noticed the similar characteristics of Mark Twain and Tom Selleck's facial features: heavy 70s era porn star moustache, elongated chin, and sallow cheeks. It has been rumored by reliable sources that Selleck's grandmother, Nancy Maria Selleck, was the inspiration for Huck Finn, however Twain could not write a female into the part due to the negative view society would have on a female child vagabonding with a young boy. Twain and Miss Selleck saw each other intimately for many years until he left her after when she made an untoward comment about his moustache: "Mark, it's like kissing a giant caterpillar."


True to his word, on a speaking tour, Twain hailed a taxi, unfortunately for Twain, the cab was a Mercury Comet. The cab driver, who spoke no English, misunderstood Twain's destination of River Street to mean, the river's stream, and drove the cab off a bridge, killing Twain, but fulfilling his prophecy. He was right.

See also[edit]