Vince McMahon

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Vince McMahon was born in 1813 to his parents who owned a freak show. It was a traveling circus freak show in that freaks would fight other freaks. His grandfather had started it during the Revolutionary war in Connecticut in order to entertain troops. In order to avoid paying the British sports tax at the time, Vince's grandfather had branded it as sports-entertainment in that all fights were scripted and a winner and loser determined in a script before the fight would begin. It was called the World Wide Wildlife Federation or WWWF at the time, because freaks were considered wildlife. Later on it had to be changed to the WWE or World Wrestling Entertainment to avoid a legal battle with a group of tree huggers that wanted to save pandas.

Vince McMahon getting a kiss!

Early Life[edit]

Vince was born to already wealthy parents, and attended the best private schools in Connecticut. Due to rampant steroid abuse by his parents when he was conceived he grew testicles the size of grapefruits. This made him one of the freaks in his parents freak show. He would sing and dance badly, so when he was of the right age they made Vince an announcer for the freak show. He would continue to take steroids and work out to build his muscles like any freak would. This had some adverse effects on his brain. It turned him mean and nasty. Every time he did something mean and nasty he would fake his own death or injury to make the crowd feel sorry for him.

Monday Night War[edit]

Vince took over his freak show from his parents and grandfather who had already died because they were old. This was in the 1990's when they had a TV show now called RAW that aired on Monday nights. Ted Turner who was a billionaire and founded CNN got into the cable TV industry early and founded his own freak show called WCW that also aired on Monday nights on a different cable TV station. It was the same thing scripted fights that they called Professional Wrestling and Sports-Entertainment with men and women who abused steroids and other drugs to get freakishly huge bodies. WCW had a group called the nWo, so Vince had his own group copy them and call themselves DGeneration-X and brought in the Attitude Area in wrestling. DX was lead by Triple H who would later marry Vince's daughter Stephanie to try and take control of the company. Ted Turner would recruit wrestlers from Vince's company, and Vince would just make new wrestlers to replace them.

It continued until about 1998 when the wrestlers who worked for WCW demanded more money, and Vince's company saved money by paying low salaries to new wrestlers who didn't know how to read a contract. Suddenly Vince is a billionaire, and Ted Turner is just a millionaire. So Ted Turner sold WCW to Vince, and then went crazy violating Godwin's law comparing everyone to Adolf Hitler.

21st century[edit]

After buying out WCW and later ECW, Vince kept his empire growing, he made a Smackdown show for Thursdays. Vince had screwed over wrestler Jeff Jarrett and so Jeff founded TNA to compete with the WWE and made TNA impact. TNA did great, took a lot of business and wrestlers away from WWE. Then Vince faked his own death in an exploding limo, and the people had cheered because they thought he was dead. Then Vince came back and got into a war with Donald Trump and lost a bet with him and had to have his head shaved bald. Vince was bald, bald bald bald, and he tried to hide it with hats and wigs and other stuff. Then Vince made a fake game show were he gave away money every week to get people to watch. He faked a falling sign on himself to get more ratings. He let Triple H and his daughter Stephanie who got married to take over WWE for a while.

The Authority Era[edit]

Vince was getting old, 201 years old and taking SENS anti aging medicine to keep him alive. He let his son-in-law Triple H and his daughter Stephanie take over WWE. Vince had invested money into SCO and lost big time and went out looking for more investors to grow his company. The Authority would bring about movies and the WWE Network for $9.99 a month, but screw over the wrestlers they didn't like. As it turned out The Authority would make bad business decisions and make the people angry at them, but it happened to raise the roof on ratings. Then Dixie Carter took over TNA and kicked Jeff Jarrett out and TNA started to stink. WWE was gaining on them.

Vince McMahon Having Sex!

It looked like nobody could stop The Authority until John Cena and his team would take Team Authority on in a match, and Vince said if Team Authority loses then the authority is out of power unless John Cena brings them back. WCW/TNA Refugee Sting came in to rig the match so that Team Cena won. The authority was out of power, and Seth Rogans had a plan to get them back. The Big Show turned heel and joined him with Corporate Kane to threaten to curb stomp Edge's head and break his neck unless John Cena sent back The Authority. So Cena gave in, and members of his Team Cena got fired by the Authority. Vince was too busy counting his money to care. John Cena had a lumberjack match with Rogans to bring them back, but the lumberjacks were all heels that hated Cena and so he lost. Cena wanted to bring back his team, and Triple H said one more match but if Cena loses he loses his Royal Rumble heavyweight WWE championship opportunity and if he wins the three superstars are hired back. But Cena had to face a handicap match with Rogans, Kane, and Big Show. Sting came back to cause a distraction and Cena pined Rogans for the win. TNA moved to Destination America because Spike TV got tired of their BS, and so people quit watching it because it is on a higher cable TV pier now, and the WWE wins in ratings.

The Fake Deaths and Fake Injuries[edit]

Vince faked his death at least a hundred times and did a lot of life insurance fraud to get his money back. He paid his wrestlers to fake injuries to sell over crowds at his show, and even faked some injuries himself. Even if he is over 200 years old, he uses SENS medicine to extend his life to live longer at the cost of his IQ points and has gone senile over the years. Nobody knows for sure if Vince really died, or faked it yet again.

The Steroid Abuse Scandal[edit]

Vince was sued by the federal government for giving his wrestlers steroids. There was a big controversy when Superstar Billy Graham died of bone cancer due to steroid use. Even Hulk Hogan testified against Vince, claiming he was just a 98 pound weakling until Vince kept injecting him with horse steroids until he got freakishly big. It looked bad, but then when Vince testified he claimed "I did not know that I couldn't do that. Steroids aren't used in wrestling any more or any less. Let me donate some millions to your political campaigns and then you can make this lawsuit go away." and once Vince donated millions to their campaigns, the federal government dropped the lawsuit.

Sex Scandal[edit]

In 2022, McMahon resigned from the WWE after allegations of sexual assault.