Gorilla Monsoon

“By all accounts was a very nice man. Always came across that way to me.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Pat Paterson

Gorilla Monsoon is a former wrestling announcer and inventor of the Griller Monsoon, a product that is so amazingly good at grilling that if I was to describe it the Internet would crash under the weight of superlatives. He came up with the idea of a grill totally on his own. Anyone who says "Yeah, a tough former sportsman comes up with a grill, that's really original" in a sarcastic voice trying to sound all big and clever is really a big stupid head.

Words That He Said

Famed for a number of famous quotes. Seemingly plucked from thin air and inspired by a form of greatness that I know exists but I've never seen it. Here are some of them:

"He Just Got His Clock Cleaned!"

This phrase stemmed from a period Gorilla spent working in Switzerland at a Cuckoo Clock repair shop. The clockmaker would insist on cleaning the face of the clock after the necessary adjustments had been made. On the point of sale with the receipt clutched in the hand of the deserving customer, young Gorilla would pop up from the workshop located at the back of the store and declare "He just got his clock cleaned!". It was charming at first but soon enough it began to tire and he was asked to leave the shop, the city of Bern and indeed Switzerland itself.

"Shot to the the external occipital protuberance"

Nobody has ever understood this phrase. Doctors have looked into it and they swear it doesn't belong in any medical dictionary they have come across. A friend of mine studied something in university once so he's pretty clever but he didn't know what it meant either. He got stuck on the 'external' part. We all live in wait, leaping from person to person, putting things right that once went wrong and hoping the next leap will be the leap home.

"You can cut the electricity in here with a knife!"

Don't do this. Don't. Gorilla published a book about being an electrician and the above quote was what he called his golden rule. As a result thousands upon thousands of electricians got a nasty shock when they hacked at intricate wiring with daggers.

"Will You Stop??!!"

Gorilla's patience could be tested at times and none more so than when watching MTV. Every new video from the likes of Phil Collins to the Electric Light Orchestra would cause Gorilla to utter that famous line. He has said it many times in the direction of evergreen performers such as Tom Jones, Ja Rule and The Cast of Cats. He was entirely justified every time he said it.

"The devious one"

Every nasty man Gorilla met (and he sure met a lot) was described as the devious one. On one occasion he hired a plumber to sort out his shower. It was pouring cold water all the time, the same old story, we've all been there. Anyway the plumber said he was coming at half past 12, he didn't show his face until 4 o'clock! An absolute outrage! Whenever he spoke about that plumber again he always referred to him as the devious one. Other people named 'devious ones' by Gorilla included Eamonn Holmes, Gilbert Gottfried and The Cast of Cats.

"I Wouldn't Buy a Used Car From that Guy"

Gorilla Monsoon would not purchase a previously owned from the gentleman in questions. See "Devious One" above.

"They are literally hanging from the rafters"

Like most English speakers, Gorilla Monsoon often misuses literally. Fans were never LITERALLY hanging from the rafters. They were actually suspended from the scaffolding, if space restrictions dictated.

"The Garden has gone strictly bananas"

Monsoon was well known for his love of bananas. Oftentimes his backyard garden would be totally banana trees. This usually happened when Monsoon's doctor told him that he would need to get more potassium in his diet.

"He's laying in with the heavy artillery"

During a match if a wrestler started illegally using a field gun or howitzer. However, it had to be of a certain caliber, or Monsoon would simply say "he's laying in with the medium or light artillery", whichever the case may be. He was very savvy on artillery pieces.