Andre The Giant

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Andre The Giant
Andre The Giant
Political career
Order 67th president
Vice President Mr. Jihad
Term of office 1963–1969
Preceded by Erbs
Succeeded by Yerbs
Political party green Party
Personal details
Nationality French
Date of birth April 20, 1889
Place of birth Linz, Austria
Date of death Probably the very distant future
Place of death N/A
First Lady Well, she was underage, and not yet a lady, but who is going to try and convict a 10'2 giant, and not fear for their life?

Andre The Giant also known as Andrew The Giant (born April 20th 1889) was a French actor, multi-instrumentalist, musician, wrestler, giant, author, internet personality, religious figure, gardener, chef, and accidental scientist. Andre has never been an easy character to describe. He lives to this day and is a firm memory in many minds. In his lifetime, Andre has discovered LSD, written many critically-acclaimed books and has been raped several times. Andre is known for his size (10ft 2", 3.1 m) and is noted as being the only person to have beaten Flea at a gardening competition. His gardening skills and control have earned him the nickname "The Jimi Hendrix of gardening" and the tropical area in his armpit supports this. He is world famous for being the best guitarist in the universe. It has recently been discovered by leading scientists that he is not actually a giant, but that the rest of us are actually undersized.

Early Life

Andre The Giant demonstrating which hand he masturbates with on "Choking the chicken with Andre", 1920.

Andre was born Sean Christopher Bailey on April 20th, 1889, the same day as Adolf Hitler who was even more coincidentally in the same ward in Austria. His mother and father were killed in a freak accident when he was 15. Andre farted and the roof of the house collapsed, crushing his parents. Upon realizing what was about to happen, Andre stood directly under the roof (pretty hard not to do so inside a house) and assumed that his head would absorb the roof, but instead he pressed the button on the side of the toaster which teleports you to George W. Bush's personal bathroom. Andre was teleported and upon arriving, caught Bush cleansing his pubic hair with conditioner.

It was after the roof incident that Andre started his rapid growth. At 15, he started to quickly outgrow his average height of 5ft 7" (1.70 m) and by 16, he was 6ft 2" (1.88 m), by 17, he was 6ft 10" (2.08 m), by 18, he was 7ft 8" (2.34 m), by 19, he was 8ft 10" (2.70 m), by 20, he was 9ft 6" (2.90 m) by 21, he was 9ft 9" (2.97 m) and he eventually reached 10 feet (3.05 m) at 24. Andre reached his current height of 10ft 2" (3.10 m) at the age of 31 and has not grown since.

It was during this growth that Andre become a furious masturbator due to the size of his hands. He briefly hosted his own children's program in 1920, "Choking the chicken with Andre", which normally included several talks with masturbatory officials and answered questions young viewers in the studio may have. The show would normally end with a demonstration by Andre as the credits rolled. In one demonstration in particular, Andre set the new world record for ejaculation speed (2.3 seconds, at 78mph). However, whilst doing so he blinded the camera-man who was eager to get a close-up of the result. He has since pressed charges against Andre, but Andre won on the grounds that "that stupid bastard shouldn't have been there anyway, he knew well what I was doing".

General Life

Hulk Hogan reading Andre the recent news that Napoleon had lost the battle of Waterloo, June 18th, 1815.

Ever the keen anti-war activist, Andre's anti-war spirit was formed in his teenage years where he witnessed the takeover of France during World War III (Circa 2,029-31). It was in the army that Andre discovered the many benefits of his enormous size (10ft 2", 3.1 meters) and also the many disadvantages. His height contributed to his skyrocketing weight (between 1,000 and 2,000lbs) which he has reportedly used to kill war-criminals.

His acting career took off after a leading role in 1995's "Speed" took him to celebrity status, playing the lead role of a man who saves a bus containing a bomb which will detonate if the bus' speed drops below 1,000mph, Andre delivered his role with a such a level of intensity, which had never been seen on screen before since Arnold Schwarzenegger's 1984 film "Conan the Destroyer, Model Train Enthusiast, and Part-Time Barbarian".

Newspapers are constantly questioning him for his secret of living for over a century unaffected by typical human aging. On one occasion, Andre told UK Newspaper, The Sun, that his secret is that he is friends with Jesus, God, Santa Claus and Some guy, the latter of which he shares an intimate relationship with, which shocked the public to a degree that everybody in the world died. As the reigning king of the world, Andre celebrated by running around the world (remember, like Forest Gump) but he soon ran tired of this and hid under a rock (a large rock). When he emerged, his beard and hair had grown down to his ankles, causing discomfort when walking or performing any activity whatsoever.

Recently, Andre resides in a house (a large house) which is rumored to be white. When he is not mowing Frank Zappa's lawn and dropping acid with Jimi Hendrix, he likes to tour extensively with his band "Giant" which has had huge commercial success with singles such as "Radio Ga Ga", "Wild thing", and the Christmas No. 1 of 1985 "Last Christmas" which was later stolen by George Michael, and recreated. In a blind rage, Andre killed George Michael, after George exposed himself to Andre in a public restroom.

The Invention of the Beard

It is a little known fact that Andre invented (and patented) the world's first beard in 1154. Its discovery followed a series of unfortunate incidents in the lab (leaving Andre's first wife without her legs) but which resulted in Andre acquiring The Formula:

Beard = 'Ardness + LSD

Due to the fact that Andre only discovered LSD in 1946, he was forced to travel forward in time to retrieve his invention and perform the world's first Bearderization on a goat (which is why goats have beards).

This time-traveling incident is also what caused Andre's infamous 'Zappa' Beard, when he grew Frank Zappa on his chin. This provided further proof of the power of beards and cemented Andre's place as a revolutionary.

However, many scientists have disputed these claims as Andre was not born until 1889, about 750 years AFTER the discovery of beards. Upon hearing this, Andre killed the entire population of Nepal, and the issue was not taken up again.

Music Career

Andre holding the guitar he developed which would eventually become the Gibson Flying V (Circa 1935).
Andre's 1967 Concept album, "J'adore LSD".
Andre's 1973 album, "Dark Side of the Sudetenland".
Andre's 2004 album, "Your nan is dead".
The first part of Andre's 2005 series of live albums, "You can't be that tall on stage anymore".
Andre's Techno album 'OK Computer Animated Andre...', the only electronic album to be recorded by Andre, and the only album to use cyborgs in the studio

Andre is a famed multi-instrumentalist, he is capable of playing the guitar, bass guitar, drums, trumpet, keyboard, piano, synthesizer, ukulele, alto sax and, requiring the most technical ability, the triangle. His main and favored instruments are the guitar and triangle, which he can often be seen playing when he isn't cracking heads in the ring.

Andre began playing guitar in 1907, at the age of nine. Andre rarely played because he knew that Jimi Hendrix had yet to be born until 1942 and then would not play until he was 14. By the time Hendrix had started playing guitar, Andre was touring the world with his band, Giant. Andre's enormous hands gave him unbelievable capabilities on the guitar which, when combined with his talent, fused to make him arguably, the greatest guitarist in the universe.

During 1931, Andre had grown tired of the limited amount of electric guitars on the market, so he decided to make his own. Andre wanted easy access to the fretboard and soon got the idea to have none of the body obstructing the fretboard. The first prototype had a square body shape and later names included the "No body obstructing the fretboard" guitar and the "Flying G" in tribute to his hometown of Grenoble, France. Eventually, with the suggestion of Dr. Vagina, the name was changed to the Flying V, with a new appropriate shape in accordance to the new name.

Andre is famous for his antics on stage and tricks. He is known to play guitar with his teeth and with his tallness. He is also known to play the guitar with his mind. Andre will sit the guitar down on the floor and stare at it whilst thinking really hard, and it was with this method that he played the greatest guitar solo ever in 1968.

Andre was briefly a member of Emerson, Lake and Palmer (ELP) but was kicked out after tripping over Greg Lake and crushing Keith Emerson's entire collection of pianos and Moog synthesizers.

As well as his huge solo career, Andre enjoys touring and playing with his band, Giant. Although they only have four albums with Andre, he sees them as his most valued musical collaborators.

He has had one of the most praised music careers in history, surpassing sales of those such as The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, and Pink Floyd.


  • Andre the giant's mother's 48-hour labor (1889)
  • Choking the chicken with Andre soundtrack (1920)
  • On this album, I use a Floyd Rose locking tremolo equipped guitar with Marshall stacks. I use several distortion pedals, a wah-wah pedal, a phaser, a chorus pedal, an octave pedal, a flanger pedal, a talk box and a ring modulator. I also play like Jimi Hendrix despite him not being born yet. I utilize such techniques such as dive bombs, tremolo picking, finger-tapping, volume swells, feedback and other such techniques which have not been invented until now. (1938)
  • Play that funky music French boy (1960)
  • French Sounds (1966) (With Giant)
  • J'adore LSD (1967)
  • This tall guy's got a soul (1968) (With Giant)
  • Baguettes of Fire (Live and Studio) (1968)
  • Andre is bigger than a Zeppelin II (1969)
  • In The Court of the French King (1969)
  • Band of Frenchies (1970)
  • Paranoid (1970, with a cameo by Black Sabbath on "Frenchies Wear Boots")
  • French Fried Soul (1971)
  • Gardening Soundtrack a la Tarkus (1971)
  • Close to the French (1972)
  • Made in France (Live album) (1972)
  • Dark Side of the Sudetenland (1973)
  • A Night at Grenoble (1975)
  • 'Fro by 'Fro (1975)
  • Never mind the Croissants, here's Andre (1977)
  • Andre's wall (1979)
  • Back In Black (1980)
  • I really like France and felt that I hadn't mentioned it enough (1984)
  • Master of Puppets (1986, spoken-word album)
  • Surfing with the Frenchman (1987)
  • Appetite for Schoolgirls (1987)
  • I am actually better than Jimi Hendrix (1988)
  • Simply Andre (1991)
  • I am really tired of all this rape (1992) (With Giant)
  • Bread for the French sun (1992)
  • In Utero, for 9 months (1993)
  • Frenchicide (1993 though recorded in 1992 via time travel)
  • SuperAndreKnown (1994)
  • OK Computer-animated Andre, just don't hurt us (1997)
  • The last album (1999)
  • Really...the last album (2000)
  • I'm serious, this is it. (2002)
  • Your nan is dead (2004) (With Giant)
  • You can't be that tall on stage anymore (Vols. 1 - 6) (2005, live)
  • Hit my head on the sky (2006)

Andre met Cliff Burton in 1985 and after several heavy jams, the two had a string bending and fret stretching contest. Cliff got increasingly annoyed because he could only bend the string up 4 semitones, whilst Andre was bending the string up an entire octave. Andre also stretched from the 1st to the 16th fret, whilst Cliff managed from the 1st to the 6th. Cliff eventually advised Andre to "Wait there". Cliff then proceeded to get a stool, stand on it, and slap Andre around the face.

It is a little-known fact that Andre played the guitar parts for "Machine Gun" on Jimi Hendrix's "Band of Gypsys" album. Andre was behind the curtain (a big curtain) and played the parts whilst Jimi mimed. During the solo, Jimi's hands are clearly out of sync with the guitar. Jimi simply laid back and did his usual orgasm faces, but had a particular difficulty doing so as he didn't know what Andre was going to play next. Also during the solo, Andre utilized his "French pedal" and "Fart pedal".

Andre uses several guitars, amplifiers and effects pedals, a few of which he designed himself. "The French Pedal" and "Fart Pedal" were invented and patented by him. The first makes the guitar very deep and growly, much like a Frenchman's voice, and the latter makes every note sound like a fart, an effect utilized today by many famous guitarists such as Eric Clapton and Jimmy Page. He favors his Gibson Flying V, although he can sometimes be seen playing his patented 18-string, 72-fret, custom guitar which has been designed to fit his enormous size.

Andre is currently recording his new album "Your parents are dead, they were all stabbed" and it is scheduled for a summer 2007 release. It is rumored that Andre will once again join Giant in the studio for their fifth album. Andre said of the album:

  • "It may possibly be the best album I've ever made, I am French."

Professional Gardener

Andre mowing his ranch in Paris, France showcasing his professional gardening skills by executing a particularly difficult maneuverer around a tree.
Andre ordering his opponent to "check out his freshly trimmed bush" during a wrestling match.

Andre is well noted in the field of gardening for his skills, control and accuracy. He was once nick-named “The Jimi Hendrix of Gardening”. During later years to present, Andre developed a liking for gardening after witnessing Adolf Hitler compete in a gardening competition. Andre has competed in several gardening competitions since 1978 and has won every time at ease. He is also noted as being the only person who has beaten Flea at a gardening competition. Flea said of Andre:

  • ”The man is brilliant! The way he trims the edges...his control…and that’s just the start of it! oh yes and he’s fucking tall!”

It is rumored that Andre once competed in a gardening competition without controlling the mower. He allegedly placed the mower onto the grass, stared at it and controlled it using his mind. Interestingly, this is the method he used to play the best guitar solo ever, directly after kicking Jimi Hendrix in his testicles.

Not only does Andre have a penchant for gardening wild-life but also himself. Andre is infamous for his pubic hair which, due to the amount of times he trims it, is deemed flawless. It was voted No. 1 in “Pubic Hair” magazine which featured all the greats such as Jimi Hendrix and Vince Vaughn. Andre also keeps his under-arm hair to stubble, which, when shaved repeatedly can become as sharp as a razor-blade. Andre is known to use his armpit stubble in order to take the advantage in wrestling matches via the impalement of his opponent. One of his opponents said this on the subject:


Andre was arrested on July 28th 1997 on suspicion of trying to mow off Some guy's beloved beard after a domestic argument between the couple. The father himself stands 7ft 10" (2.39 m) tall. Andre was arrested once again on April 2nd 2003 after he mowed off Prophet Banks' sideburns whilst he was sleeping. Andre was eventually found guilty as the whole incident was caught on CCTV, which also revealed that before mowing them off, Andre licked his sideburns and sniffed them.

As a result of Andre's huge popularity, a series of games, "Andre's Pro-Gardener" have been produced for the Playstation 2. The game allows you to control the mower with your mind, and yell comments such as "I am French" at your free will.

Writing Career

The cover of Andre's first book, "Let's talk about sex", released in 1935.
The cover of Andre's second book, "Nuns, guns, and the runs", released in 1937.
The cover of Andre's 2005 comeback novel, "How not to get raped".

Andre has always had a taste for literature. He excelled in all of his English classes throughout his time in school. It was not until 1934, at the age of 45, that Andre decided to write a book himself about issues he saw important in the world.

His first book "Let's talk about sex" was released in 1935. It was critically acclaimed and accepted even by the most unexpected audiences. Roger Ebert said "A fantastic read, it has jump-started me and my wife's sex life and we now do it three times a day". The main theme of the book is sex, sex positions and other personal tips from Andre, such as, How guys can have multiple orgasms, the 68'er, and why you shouldn't do it in a pool. The most infamous quote from the book reads as so:

  • "An extraordinary place to have sex, is in mid-air under the influence of speed-ball. But I wouldn't recommend doing this more than twice a week as it truly fucks you up."

His second book marked a new direction with his writing, "Nuns, guns and the runs" was released in 1937. The story follows the 'fictional' Rowdy Saudis around on several murderous rampages. It went straight to No. 1 on the New York Times best-seller list for four weeks and reportedly made Andre $3,638,345,983.00 (over three billion). This income motivated Andre to write several more literary pieces.

His third book, "Did we really land on the moon?" was released in 1938. The title was deceptive in that it made the reader buy the book, and upon looking inside, would realize that Andre had simply stuck a few pictures of the moon in between comments such as "Yes, I am French" and "You wanna go some?". The book then ends with "Yes we did land on the moon, what are you guys? stupid?".

His fourth book, "Menage a trois avec Andre", released in 1938 also, was also a flop and was seen as a cheap attempt to recreate "Let's talk about sex". The reason being that the book consisted of pictures of photo-copied pages from "Let's talk about sex", with the folds in the pages visible in the pictures.

Following his second consecutive flop, Andre's contract with his publisher was not re-newed in 1939 and Andre gave up on literary works for some time as he felt that he had lost his touch.

Andre stayed away from literary works for several years after his conflict with his publisher. However, after several counts of rape on Andre, he felt as if he needed to bring this serious issue to the attention of the public. In 2005, after several years in the works, Andre released his fifth book, and arguably his best since "Let's talk about sex". "How not to get raped" was released in 2005. The book deals with, as the title suggests, techniques to reduce your risk of rape. It also features several testimonials from Andre himself, and presents the reader with several options, such as having your penis removed, which Andre did himself in September 2006.

Both "Let's talk about sex" and "Nuns, guns and the runs" have been adapted into films in 1985 and 1993 respectively as Peter Jackson simply couldn't resist. The movies were commercial failures as they consisted of Peter Jackson reading the entire book aloud whilst sitting on the toilet. His stutter only made matters worse, and made the films even longer in length. His numerous attempts to pronounce "Ejaculation" have since become legendary, and its status has been compared to that of "All your base are belong to us".

It is rumored that Andre is currently writing a sequel to "How not to get raped". The, as of yet untitled book instead focuses not on rape in general, but simply how to escape getting raped by Zooey Deschanel. An extract of the book has leaked onto the internet:

  • "John Frusciante had told me how he had once been raped by Zooey and how she snapped his penis. He was also kind enough to submit a picture of his broken penis so we could see what damage this bitch does. Unfortunately, even in the fast-moving world of today, there is no cure...for broke dick."

Discovery of LSD

Andre during his second LSD trip

Andre discovered LSD in 1946 by mixing Mustard and Fruit Pastilles after the Rowntrees company refused to make a line of mustard-flavored fruit pastilles for him. Andre placed the Mustard and Packets of Fruit Pastilles in the blender in the proportions 500g : 10 respectively.

After combining both, Andre was eager to try it as he had wanted Mustard flavored fruit pastilles for quite some time. What Andre tasted blew his mind, he reported seeing shapes, colors, noises and a complete cut-off from reality.

Andre later recorded a concept album about LSD, entitled "J'adore LSD" and wrote a saga of books on the subject, "How to make your own LSD", "The government are lying, it isn't harmful", "How to get the best LSD" and "How to download your own LSD which can be printed out".

It is a common misconception that either Dr. Albert Hofmann or Jimi Hendrix discovered LSD.

The "Pussy Stubble" Incident

Andre during the "Pussy Stubble" incident of 1979.

During 1979, Andre was pondering about whether to change his faith to Beardianity. His then faith was Shaveianity, which strictly forbids beard growth and encourages daily shaving. It was during this time that Andre attempted to grow a beard.

A rare photograph of Andre taken one month after the "pussy stubble" incident, 1979.

During the first few days, his beard growth went unnoticed and he kept his ambitions to himself. It was approximately a week into his beard growth on May 29th 1979 that he was targeted by leaders and high-ranking officials of NoShaveNoBeard faith, who believe in no shaving and no beard growth. They proclaimed his attempted beard growth to be "Pussy stubble" which stirred massive controversy throughout the world.

Andre did not reply to these comments until eight months later, by which time, his beard measured four inches and muffled his speech. Andre officially replied via a television program on January 17th 1980. His statement was as follows:

  • "I would like to confirm that my beard is not pussy stubble, I am past that phase and am now in the deep end on my quest to grow a huge beard"

However, when this statement was first made, it was mis-heard due to Andre's muffled speech caused by his beard. The government reportedly heard:

  • "I would like to confirm that I should be feared for I will turn you all to rubble, I am vast in my raids and am now in the deep end on my mission to make me feared."

After resolving the conflict, Andre commented:

  • "Well... I am sort of French, when you think about it"

Professional Cake Humper

Andre showcasing his professional cake humping skills on a 12-foot cake, 1958.

It first became apparent that Andre had cake humping skills on his seventh birthday. His parents bought him a large cake for his birthday, and instead of eating it, Andre humped it to death within seconds.

At the time, cake humping was an underground sport, but had a cult following. Andre's father (Jean Claude the Giant) was one of the many followers in Grenoble, France who had enough experience to know a talent for the sport when he saw it.

By 13, Andre was competing in professional cake humping competitions, winning every time except for one. Andre was disqualified for attempting to eat the cake, therefore aiding the goal of humping it to death. His opponent on that day was a young George W. Bush. Shortly after, the two boys formed a friendship. Bush was quick to tell Andre about his ambition to be president which Andre laughed at.

In one particular cake humping competition, Andre seriously fractured his penis after the cake was sabotaged by Ozzy Osbourne, who had replaced the cake with a block of steel covered in icing. However, Andre carried on the competition blissfully unaware and it was later revealed that Andre had punctured through the steel, leaving a hole big enough to fit a human head through.

Today, Andre does not compete in professional contests as often as his main reason for competing was his parent's support, who both died in 1904. Although, occasionally Andre will step up and show his cake humping skills as shown in the picture to the left.

Voice-over Work with Inigo Montoya

Sometime in the 1980's (the exact year is not really important), Andre teamed up with sword-fighter and fellow voice-actor Inigo Montoya for work on the film The Princess Bride, starring the Dread Butt Pirate Roberts. This provided a short-lived boost to Andre's career, although his accident on the set with the flaming holocaust cloak left him literally and figuratively scarred for life, impeding his chances at future work and leaving him a target victim for rape (see below).


Andre was most famously raped by Zooey Deschanel, seen here on a poster warning her next victims of her coming.
This rare photograph was taken moments before Andre was almost raped by Zooey Deschanel. He had saved himself by kicking off his shoes, blinding his attacker with the stench. (not shown - people running and screaming from said foot odor)

Andre is well-known as being raped several times despite his size. This had let to speculation that he is a poose. Andre has been raped by several celebrities including Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Brad Pitt and George Clooney who gang-raped him.

In 1967, Andre was approached by Steven Spielberg to turn his story of constant rapes in a motion picture. "I got raped... several times." was released in early 1968 to mixed reviews. Many people misinterpreted it as pornography and consequently, Disney canceled their contract with Andre, and his live show "Chances are... I'll get raped tonight" was never to be seen.

Andre attributes the numerous rapes to possessing a very sexy ass. It has been suggested that whilst serving in the armed forces, Andre was frequently bummed in the showers. He was most famously raped by Zooey Deschanel, who has raped celebrities such as Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham, Keith Emerson, Tom Connor and John Frusciante, whose erection she snapped. He said of her:

  • "That bitch is crazy, I got raped, had some lunch, then she raped me again, I went to sleep, and I woke up getting raped. And to top it off, I was doing a handstand, and she raped me!"

Zooey said in return:

  • "Andre has a small penis. He had the juiciest balls though!"

But in fact, we have proof that professional ass eater and boy scout molester, Vincent "Storm Drain" Jugglesby, lived in Andre's sixty thousand acres wide penis for twelve years without exiting once. Then again there is the saying, "the bigger, the better." There was a death hoax following comments made by Deschanel suggesting she had raped Andre to death. Considering Andre was 115 at the time, it was believed that he had perhaps died of cardiac arrest during the rape.

Following his growing dislike for the constant rape, Andre had his penis removed in September 2006. Most of the people who regularly raped him were extremely disappointed, and George Clooney has reportedly committed suicide. Thinking all was safe now, Andre fired his bodyguards who protected him from rapists. However, people soon realized that they could rape Andre's face instead, leading to rumors that Andre may consider having his face removed.

Death and Resurrection

Yes, just like Jesus, Andre died and returned three days later.

Andre The Chef, Bob Marley and South Park

In 1965, Andre and Henrik Ibsen wrote a play about how to make pudding. The play has been set up at Broadway many times and is still a large hit. He has founded many cooking-schools in Southwest America, dedicating one of them to his very good friend, Bob Marley, who died as we all know, from food poisoning at a party at Andre's house. The police have recently investigated the case, and found out that his famous apple pie had been sabotaged by Jimi Hendrix. In recent years, Andre has taught Chef, the famous chef from South Park how to successfully make midgets out of food. This has also led to Andre and Chef founding the organization of "Little Small Underwear Elves" (LSUE) The organization became a part of the United Nations in 2003.


Andre when he was distorted.
  • "Many people believe that I am a giant, but I say no, you're just all tiny wimps who don't have reproductive organs"
  • "I am a firm believer in the Beardian faith which supports equal rights through facial hair, me and fellow Beardians do campaign to have genes changed in order to have both sexes (excluding dogs) have the ability to grow beards, big ones."
  • "Recently I have made a new product, Andre's carpet cleaner, it'll work or no money back"
  • "I take offense to being called a giant, so I killed everyone, including the person writing this article, in order to take out my frustrations, I'm sure you understand."
  • "When Roger Waters claimed that money was the root of all evil, I didn't believe him, and I still don't, fuck you ROGER WATERS"
  • "Hulk Hogan may have beaten me at Wrestlemania 3 but I am scheduled to beat him at Wrestlemania 4, ROAR!"
  • "There has been a lot of speculation about my opinion on carpet cleaner, to settle things once and for all, I like carpet cleaner and all its purposes and principles it stands for"
  • "I eat guitars daily to boost my metabolism, it has been proven by doctors"
  • "Grow a beard to show wisdom and shave to show ignorance, but don't EVER, and I mean EVER stick carrots up your nose, take it from me, it truly fucks you up"
  • "I met Jimi Hendrix once, he was a nice guy, all drugged and stuff, he even offered me some LSD, I declined after I explained to him that my enormous size makes me unable to be affected by common hallucinogenic drugs"
  • "France rules, and that's the bottom line because Andre Cold said so"
  • "Honeycomb's big. Yeah yeah yeah! It's not small. No no no!"
  • "I once ate a bomb which was said to have enough explosive potential to destroy France, all it did was give me bad gas, however, every time I farted someone died."
  • "I have a posse"

History of Beards

Andre is world famous for his startling repertoire of beards, in his years of living he has been seen wearing the following facial hair designs:

Andre's innovative patented beard. Dubbed "The Patch".
  • Moustache
  • Sideburns
  • Soul Patch
  • Full Beard
  • "The Patch"
  • Mutton Chops
  • Hitler Moustache
  • No beard (shocking...)
  • Goatee
  • Elvis Sideburns
  • Salad Cream (details not confirmed)
  • Frank Zappa (not the beard, he actually grew Frank Zappa on his chin. However, he had to shave him off when it emerged that Frank Zappa was dead, and prolonged beardedness could cause a time paradox)


Andre in a rare mugshot after being arrested following a domestic argument with partner, Some guy.

Name: Andre The Giant

Height: 10ft 2 (3.1 m)

Shoe Size: 20.5 Swimming Pools

Weight: 2078lb (peak), 1235lb (lowest), 1783lb (current)

Foot odor: Blindingly, Horrifically Stinky

Years of being a gardener: 28

Beard or no beard: Beard

Owns a tractor: Yes

Owns a combine harvester: Yes

Fastest Ejaculation time: 2.3 seconds at 78 m/ph (World Record)

Pube length: 40mm

Rapability Scale: 9.6

Times Raped: 28390462 (Subject to change)


Andre successfully ripping off Lord Alfred Hayes' face.
The artistic movement dedicated to Andre, "Andre The Giant is ard" which shows his huge height and weight.
Andre visibly bleeding shortly after hitting his head on the sky.
  • Successfully masturbated a spoon.
  • Landed on the moon in September of 1939.
  • Found Nirvana after a long 42 hour meditation.
  • Father of Mr. Methane
  • Tallest man in history, even larger than Ronald McDonald.
  • Was present during the second coming of Jesus
  • Lives in the white house with his home-boy, George W. Bush.
  • Has had 56 No. 1 hits, far surpassing Paul McCartney's 55.
  • Has an artistic movement dedicated to him, "Andre The Giant is ard"
  • Has been named the greatest guitarist in the universe many times.
  • Founded a religion, Beardianity, with other leaders, Tom Connor and Josh March.
  • Has won every professional gardening competition since 1978 and in turn, is the only person in history to have defeated Flea in a gardening competition.
  • Received the medal of honor in World War III.
  • Has successfully ripped the face off of legendary wrestling commentator, Lord Alfred Hayes.
  • Has bedded more women than any man, EVER.
  • Successfully drank a gallon of water!
  • Played the best guitar solo ever in 1968 with his mind after kicking Jimi Hendrix in his testicles.
  • Has punched Roger Waters straight in the nose.
  • Made his own carpet cleaner and orange peeler.
  • Hit his head on multiple things due to his size.
  • Hit his head on the sky once.
  • Has a demented article on Uncyclopedia dedicated to him.
  • Is praised by Oscar Wilde as having the biggest genitals he has ever seen.
  • Discovered the entire solar system.
  • Came out of his mother's womb reading "Macbeth".


Andre is also an accomplished poet, below are a few examples of his master works.

Taken from "Literary Masterworks, Vols. 1-5" (except where noted):

  • Roses are red, violets are blue, get in the ring and I'll bloody kill you.
  • [Taken from "Gangsta roots"] I did the best guitar solo ever, kicking Jimi in his balls. Putting an end to his tether, and ownin' all a y'all. I got super powers, flyin' through the skies like Superman. Getting high on 'erbs whilst playing sitar in Iran.
  • I never got the song from them Foo Fighters, Its called Monkey Wrench, Maybe it's because I'm French?
  • France rules, everyone else will lose, France rules.
  • The Cat In the Hat.
  • You sit on the chair but it brakes, you ride a boat but it shakes, you go for a swim in a big lake, but no matter what, you're still a big FUCKING GIANT.
  • The handicap of largeness has plagued me so, if only I were normal, life would not be my foe. I tried to jump from the Empire State Building, but hit my head on the sky I did. Life, oh... it's horrid, what a fate I have been given, what a normal life I have been ridden, leaving the question "Why?". Why must I live this life?, hit my head on the sky? And put up with constant lies about my personal life. Hanging on by a thread, close enough to being dead, so, hey, don't be surprised, if one day you find out, that Andre died.
  • My name is Andre and I hump cakes, when I pee, it turns into lakes. Humping cakes is what I do, peeing lakes when I need the loo. Nevertheless, life is grand, what a jolly ol' life I've had. Although I can't seem to catch the bastard, who pissed on my young lad.
  • Chocolate sprinkle, old age wrinkle, a bit of a tinkle, to mark my territory.
  • Love the world and all it is, love the world and to take a shit.
  • [Taken from "The Gangsta is back"] I'm taller than y'all, so I spit on you. Doing damage in a rage, I should be locked in a cage, I don't even age, lord! my trousers is beige. Four feet taller than y'all six foot twoers, I do a drive-by then go to Hooters, I am a real playa, real gangsta too, lovin' to kill all those mindless foos.
  • [Taken from "AK-47: An Anthology"] Hey yo, ma name is Andre, and I am a GANGSTA. I do drive-bys, and the girls, I'll RAPE YA. Don't mess, 'cause I'm dressed to kill, I'm holding an AK-47 and I'm blastin' ya grill. I got respect in the hood, to ma homey's I love ya. I never woulda made it without the love and support ya. But I must confess, I stabbed ya, in the dark, while singing "La la" and raping your grandmotha.
  • I'm French.
  • A poem I write, on the paper I do, to make me some money, after being sold to you. No longer need to prostitute myself, income comes in steady, no longer need to hear customers saying, "Andre, are you ready?".


Andre standing roughly 10 feet (3.05 m) tall. The men next to him are 5ft 11" (1.8 m) on the left and 6ft 5" (1.96 m) on the right.
  • Andre caused his parents death by farting and making the roof collapse.
  • Andre had a fetish for old pussy and liked to drink out of date milk after getting inside of said pussy.
  • Andre got drunk one night and went on a binge with George W. Bush. Andre attacked Bush after he made a crack about France which resulted in Bush declaring war on him.
  • Andre discovered LSD whilst experimenting with Mustard mixed with Fruit Pastilles blended together. Andre explained: "hey, well... you know, we all mix mustard and fruit pastilles now and then... yeah..."
  • Andre separated Siamese twins which were deemed "unseperatable". Andre raised his arm and yelled in a big French man accent "AAARRGGHHHH(I am quite tall)RGGGGHHHH!" and Judo chopped the twins free. But Andre tripped on the life-support wire and fell onto the twins, crushing them, and causing Andre to fart into the IV unit.
  • Andre once raped his guitar to the point that it took him to court on several counts of "guitar-fret and whammy-bar wankery".
  • Andre once made his guitar say "I am French... deal with it."
  • Andre was considered the role of Greg Brady on the Brady Bunch but was beaten by Barry Williams. To show no hard feelings Andre bought The Deathstar for Barry.
  • Andre once kicked Jimi Hendrix in the balls, and then proceeded to play the best guitar solo in the world using his mind.
  • Andre has a poose.
  • Andre once flicked a toy car into outer space. The car became outstretched and the man inside landed on the moon. The car became known as a rocket and the man was known as Neil Armstrong.
  • When he is not trimming his bush, Andre can be seen flicking midgets into a world beyond our world. You don't know where it is and how you'll get there but it won't smell too good, that's for sure.
  • Jimi Hendrix sued Andre during the sixties for the misuse of poose

See also