Eric Clapton
“If I saw you in heaven... I would back away slowly and try not to say anything dumb.”
“He took my wife, but I had much better hair.”
Erich von Clapton (to give him his full Germanic name) was a musical genius at the age of three. He became the chief court composer to Emperor Franz Ferdinand Hapsburg of Austria. Clapton impressed the emperor deeply by playing the solo from Layla on harpsichord and sackbutt simultaneously. Franz Ferdinand was entranced and presented his young prodigy with 30 concubines and the deeds to a Bohemian flour mill. Von Clapton responded with an a-capella drum solo on a theme by Handel, and the king immediately presented the boy-genius with 4 of his daughters and his 2nd-favourite son Prince Leopold Hapsburg. From this collection Clapton formed his privy chamber orchestra group known as The Yardbirds.
After leaving the Vienna Boys Choir school, Von Clapton moved into a trendy 'loft' apartment in the Austrian capital with his unusual family set up. By this time young Prince Leopold had left the entourage to form the Alternative Symphonietta Apocalypse Band and was touring Burma). 'Mad' King George III was well impressed with Clapton's guitar virtuosity and ability to 'toot' a wheelbarrow of snuff every day and soon promoted him to Archbishop of Power Chords. Clapton countered with the memorable 461 Ocean Boulevard and began a World Tour, supported by Ted Handel and Carla Bruni-Bach.
Clapton and his entourage travelled in a convoy of glass carriages pulled by white horses, with teams of naked dwarf-prostitutes scattering pink rose petals upon the crowds of admiring peasants. Around this time Clapton developed his trademark hand-wave, modelled on that of the British Royal Family, thus earning himself the title 'Slowhand'. Clapton had outgrown his original Austro-Oompah music roots and claimed he was now firmly British. Emperor Franz Ferdinand barred Clapton from Austria after that 'insolent' declaration.
Following the tour, which broke all records for sheer debauchery and snuff-consumption, the victorious Clapton returned to London and was inducted into the Rock'n'Roll House of Lords as Lord Creme de La Creme. Incredibly, Clapton was still only 8 years-old! A few days before his 9th birthday- which was to be a Public Holiday and Official Day of Great Rejoicing, Erich - or rather 'Eric' as he now preferred - began to write the first few bars of Tears in Heaven for his next album "Background Noise To Listen to While Driving Your Convertible to the Golf Course" — surely a nod to Clapton's middle-aged and well-to-do fan base. As the haunting melody floated from his window, Prime Minister William Pitt the Elder, who was listening eagerly in the courtyard below, dictated the following letter:
| “ | Dear Eric,
I feel more than a bit silly trying to run the country when obviously you should be doing it. I have enclosed the keys to 10 Downing Street and have burned myself, and thrown my body into the mighty Thames. Yours in deepest admiration, Sir Clement Atlee |
” |
When Eric arrived in Downing Street he played the two opening bars from Layla and instantly unemployment in the United Kingdom dropped to zero percent, poverty completely disappeared, and Status Quo promised not to release any more albums.
Having solved all of Great Britain's problems, Eric popped into the office of the United Nations where he solved global warming, tempered capitalism, and actually managed to get Greta Thunberg to shut up albeit for a short time.
When Eric completed the opera Wonderful Tonight aged 9 years 2 months he received a challenge from God, who was jealous of his incredible talent, to a guitar battle. Clapton accepted, assuming that the Lord of the Universe would be a suitable challenge. However, God cheated, and instead created Herman Li as an opponent, who could play one billion notes per second. However, because the guitar battle was a live one, rather than a studio recording, Li could instead only play five notes per minute, and when Clapton played his first note, Li wet his pants, and Eric was declared the winner.
After the dominant victory, Clapton received the following telegram from God:
| “ | Dear Eric,
I just can't take it any more. I have been trying to sort out all this shit out for years, and those bastard humans just keep fucking it up no matter who I tell to kill who. I just can't play the guitar as well as you, and so have left the keys to the pearly gates under the mat. Please try and remember to feed Gandhi, but watch that fat bastard Buddha, he keeps eating all the pies. |
” |
Despite feeling slightly embarrassed about the whole thing, Eric finally agreed to take up his seat as the single omnipotent being of the universe. Everyone enjoyed peace and tranquility for a short time whilst Eric gently played in the background. Black holes decided to stop sucking and supernova just could not be bothered with all the fuss. Unfortunately order came to an end and the usual chaos returned when the 1990's finished and Eric was forced to spend most of his time trying to stop Prince from making another comeback career.
Selling Paradise[edit]
On November 19,2015 Clapton would sell Heaven to Robot Walt Disney for a unknown amount of money so he could focus on his music career and because the people in Heaven are f*cking annoying
Rivals[edit]
- In the apocalypse, every guitarist who ever lived will group together and challenge Clapton to a duel. Clapton has teamed up with Jimi Hendrix and the two have been practicing for the event for some time. Hendrix has admitted that because he is dead he might not be as good a guitarist as he once was. Clapton has taken this into consideration.
- Clapton once challenged Sauron's forces, Saruman's forces, Hitler's Storm Troopers, The Imperial Storm Troopers from Star Wars, and Bernie Madoff to a duel to bring balance to the space time continuum and end evil once and for all. Clapton defeated all of the fiends with the help of his friends in Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band by playing Yellow Submarine, but he allowed Bernie Madoff to live to tell the tale of the epic battle before Clapton ascended back to heaven.
- Clapton still spends most of his time zapping dead animals with his god-powers and resurrecting them, only to make them die again by playing the "While My Guitar gently Weeps" solo.
- Clapton is theorized to have been gifted his god powers by Denny's.