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Not that kind of tail, dumbass!!

“Hey, my dog has one of those.”

~ Captain Obvious upon reading this article

The tail is an arm growing out of the rear end of an animal's body. In general, the term refers to a distinct, flexible appendage to the torso. Tails can come in different forms and serve various functions, from flaming tails and useless flab-of-skin tails. About 90% of all animals have tails while only about 20% of humans have tails.

Evolution of Tails[edit]

All children are born with tails.

While tails come in all shapes and sizes, the vast majority of animals use them for balance, and would constantly be falling over otherwise. At least 50 billion years ago, dinosaurs suffered at the hands of their natural predators because guns weren't invented yet. Thanks to the miraculous power of evolution, they would grow tails which later developed spikes and clubs, all efficient weapons that these tiny-brained beasts can actually comprehend.

Common tail types include bushy, prehensile, ring-tailed, pony tails, cotton tails and duck tails. Then there are those tails which appear to possess magical powers, like the kind that regenerates after being cut off. Certain animals have the unique ability to fly by using their tails as propellers. Curly tails, such as those shown in pigs, have no clear function, although a team of drop-outs from Oxford University believe they can produce miniature tornadoes as defense against hungry butchers.

Last and least, there are really short, stubby tails which provide absolutely no purpose. Animals with such unfortunate stubs often have other ways to make up for it. The rabbit, for instance, has what looks more like a cotton ball attached to its butt. What makes the rabbit so special are its ridiculously long ears and irresistible cuteness capable of stealing your soul.

Why humans don't have tails[edit]

Humans have wondered for years why humans don't have tails like animals. Science has shown a number of theories of how animals lost their tails and evolved into humans. The most popular misconception is that humans evolved from monkeys. We know now that the person who came up with this was indeed on crack. The truth is that monkeys evolved from birds.

Recent studies show that humans evolved from mermaids, who were notorious for tail-slapping scuba divers in the face. As punishment for their crimes against the other gender, Mother Nature turned their fish tails into legs and forced them to walk on land, providing them with problems such as leg cramps and persistent shaving. Those that kept their tails instead developed blubber, lost their ability of speech, and became manatees.

Today it is quite rare to find a tailed human, most of which being young kids. At an older age, girls lose their tails, causing their behinds to become round and sexy as a result. Boys keep their tails until an evolutionary change in which they turn into dicks.

Tail boner: That's why humans don't have tails.

Other animals without tails[edit]

  • Gorilla
  • Chimpanzee
  • Orangutan
  • Grue
  • Frog
  • Baby clowns
  • Manx cat
  • You

Did you know?[edit]

  • Having a ponytail does not give you an actual tail.
  • The classic party game, Pin the Tail on the Donkey, was first conceived when a drunk guy died nailing a donkey's tail to his ass.
  • If someone farts when you pull his finger, consider what happens when you pull an animal's tail.
  • If your dog chases its tail, that means it has no life or friends. You don't want to know what happens if it catches its tail.
  • Charizard has yet to realize his tail is on fire, otherwise he would be in excruciating pain.
  • Approximately 99% of all the people who read this article don't have tails.

Other things humans don't have[edit]

Tails occasionally come in handy for naming purposes.