Mother Nature

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CIA file #3941, December 6, 2023

Profile: Mother Nature / Gaia
Designate: Terraist; enemy of mankind
Content: Threat evaluation; felony report
Document classification: Top secret

“I hate that bitch. From the first time she refused to let me buy her a drink to when she destroyed half of Washington state with Mount. St. Helens, she's always been a crazy bitch. God I want her.”

~ Al Gore on Mother Nature

“Man, what a stingy old hag she is, to deny us a decent standard of living like that. But don't worry - we'll get that bitch eventually...”

~ People's Republic of China and India on Mother Nature

Rough FBI sketch of the arch-villainess herself
Mother Nature

Mother Nature resides somewhere
in this immediate area.

Real name Gaia
Birth date 4,570,000,000 B.C.
Status At large
Affiliations WWF, Greenpeace, PETA, Al Gore,
El Niño, Hurricane Katrina
Previous affiliations Poseidon, Fairy Godmother
Notable aliases Mother Earth, Terra, That-Bitch-Who-Just-Ruined-Our-Picnic
Strengths Control over weather systems - blizzards, hurricanes, tsunamis, thunderstorms etc; denial of resources; semi-omnipresence
Weaknesses Few; only safe way to kill her is through a global nuclear war or through a massive meteorite, or preferably both at the same time
Personality Malevolent; quick to anger; long to forgive and forget
Current base of operation The Sahara desert; multiply possible other bases across the planet
Danger assessment EXTREME - do not approach without a massive nuclear arsenal and international support
Wanted Dead or alive;
10000000000$ reward
Last known appearence Mad Aunt.jpg
Last taken photo of Mother Nature, in New Orleans, United States of America, in August 23, 2005, shortly before the terraist attack on the city

Mother Earth[edit]

Even fish commit suicide to protest their mom's bashing.

Gaia, or Mother Nature as she is popularly called, is a terraist leader who has been fighting a guerrilla war against mankind from the very start, and is the chief perpetrator in the ongoing conflict known as "War on Terra". Her tactics include everything from hit and run, lightning quick strikes, to blitzkrieg style tsunamis. Mother Nature's wicked agenda comes from the fact that she can only reproduce once every 10 billion years, and is totally spiteful towards anyone who can do it often, like humans and rabbits. She is at times beautiful and stark-ugly, not to mention ruthless, causing baseball games and all their overpaid juice-shooting "athletes" to end on account of rain. She is seemingly semi-omnipresent, being able to dwell at many different locations across the planet at the same time and operating on multiple fronts. She made a name for herself in the 1980's with displays like Mount Saint Helens and AIDS.

She has been linked to many historical terraist attacks throughout history, such as the sinking of Doggerland, the Biblical great deluge, the 79 A.D. eruption of Vesuvius, the destruction of the Colossus of Rhodes and the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the sinking of Titanic (by the means of summoning forth a massive iceberg) and the extinction of the Pleistocene megafauna, just to mention a few. Some atrocities have only been interrupted because humans beat her to the banquet and achieved the same effect, such as the exinction of moa and elephant birds. However, while she has been blamed by some of having wiped out the dinosaurs as well, that claim is now considered unsubstantial to a large extant since that event has since been linked to an extraterrestrial invader 65 million years ago.

After the flooding of New Orleans, the USA has had a ten billion dollar bounty on her head, and the FBI has her on their top 10 list of most wanted criminals. Her criminal activities are combated by the Americans through their War on Terra, and China, India and other developing countries are doing what they can to exterminate that fickle bitch forever, using cunning devices such as refrigerators and cars to accomplish this. Reports indicate that she may be traditionally friendlier towards Russia, and that she aided the Russians both against Napoleon Bonaparte and Adolf Hitler by driving the French and the Germans off with frigid snowstorms. She does tend to change her loyalties every once in a while though, according to a yet unpredictable pattern and agenda.

Other various appearences throughout history can be listed as follows:

  • Once showed her ugly face to swallow the peace loving Egyptians who were only trying to get their slaves back, in the historical First Sea Olympics.
  • "Terraformed" (her own euphemism for a terraist attack) New Orleans into No Orleans by raising the water level by five meters.
  • Appeared in the form a giant wave in Thailand at the end of year 2004, resulting in the deaths of thousands of innocents.
  • Numerous activities in Central- and South America during 2010.
  • Knocked over that tree in your parents backyard last week.

If you see Mother Nature, do not hesitate to call the Interpol and/or the World Health Organization; for though she may appear to be unarmed, her weapons with which to wreak havoc are many and deadly nonetheless: sinkholes, earthquakes, landslides, avalanches, invasive species, diseases, tsumanis, thunderstorms, floodings, drought and ice ages, just to mention a few. A full 185 page list of her many atrocities throughout history may be ordered from the CIA website for 20$.

Mother Nature's appearance[edit]

Mother Nature can sometimes be seen in the form of a roughlooking lady in her late fifties with varying haircolor who arrives on a motorcycle to herald the coming of calamities. This is the guise in which she was photographed in New Orleans shortly before the flooding. Otherwise she mostly appears in the form of a raging tornado or a wild storm, which can be a thunderstorm, a rainstorm or snowstorm depending on the weather and climate. Occassionally she appears as a tall and terrible wave towering above all others. Yet none are nearly as terrible as the aforementioned humanoid form she is sporadically seen in. If you think you have seen her, do not wait to alert local authorities, as her presence may often be a harbinger of doom.

Worship and continued activities[edit]

Some humans of lesser will have succumbed to Mother Nature's sinister intentions and sided with her against humanity. Those worshippers are many and powerful and have formed great organizations, such as PETA, Greenpeace and WWF. Those organizations are partaking in a great many unholy rituals to further her hostile agendas, such as reforestation, the releasal of caged animals and the omition of meat from their diet. This heathen religion for worshipping her is known as environmentalism and may result in green hair if practiced for too long. Mother Nature's zealous followers are now planning the greatest terraist attack in many years, in which extinct megafauna will be restored to North America, pitting mammoths and cave lions among many other fell beasts against the unsuspecting denizens of America [1]. Scientists have postulated that she may have attempted, and is still attempting, to cause another glacial period in the northern hemisphere, but this may already have been successfully averted by the release of massive amounts of carbon dioxide to combat her during the War on Terra.

The usual devastation from one of Mother Nature's regular terraist attacks.

She has also attacked Guatemala City with large sinkholes, great cavities in the crust of the planet, and attacked both Haiti and Chile with devastating earthquakes in early 2010, and before departing from Chile also unsuccessfully attempted to murder a score of innocent mining workers by trapping them far below ground. In September 2010, she must be assumed to have passed Mexico in her supposed trail slowly leading away from South America, and caused the 2010 Oaxaca landslide which killed nearly one thousand innocents, possibly as a retaliation against the earlier attempt on her life in April with the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon oil platform. No photos were taken of her in any of those events. We only have this one picture of her from her raid against New Orleans in 2005, and rough sketches drawn by people who claims to have seen her elsewhere at various times.

Since then, Mother Nature is assumed to have relocated and operated primarily out of the Sahara desert in Africa, with the intent of spreading it as far as she can. She resumed her terraist activities some months later, in March 2011, and continued her catastrophic 2010 earthquake spree with a massive 8.9 scale attack on the isles of Japan. There is no doubt that Mother Nature remains at large and more dangerous than ever. Noone truly knows her full motivations, save that she appears to harbor an inextinguishable hatred against humans and wants us of the planet by an means necessary. Many meteorologists and seismiologists have unsuccessfully tried to trace her trail of destruction. Some have observed that a rogue Spanish agent known as El Niño, who may or may not be her biological son, may be cahoots with her, but the former has continued to elude capture by governments around the globe.

The only known photo of Mother Nature's Spanish agent, El Niño, seen staring ominously into the camera at the utmost right on the picture.
CNI, June 2003

A message from Mother Nature[edit]

After her devastating seismic strikes against Haiti and Chile in 2010 and the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon platform in the Gulf of Mexico, the United Nations received this one, handwritten message from Mother Nature, delivered unstamped and without a return address with ominous threats and warnings:

Dear hominids and allies thereof (dogs, cats, horses, hamsters, furbies, hobbits and jabberwockies etc.)

Earlier this year I am sure you noticed an onset of earthquakes in Central- and South America as well as in Qinghai, China, and surely you must by now know that I was behind it. The attempted assassination on my person last month by the destruction of the Deepwater Horizon oil platform did not go unnoticed, but really, that was such a botch job. Any insurance salesman would tell you that. I feel insulted. What the hell were you thinking?

Is this the best you lamebrains have to combat me with? It will take a lot more than just spilled oil to eradicate me and my many followers among your own species. In that case, driving you hominids off the planet either by extinction or forced exodus into space will be easier than I thought. You have not heard the last of me.

Oh, and seriously, you can have that incompetent idiot Al Gore. He's been a good ally and spokesperson, but I am tired of him travelling back and forth in that damn jet plane. You know how carbon dioxide makes me sneeze.

your arch-nemesis, Mother Nature.

That is what the letter said. No formal response has been made, as world leaders have been unable to discover Mother Nature's exact current whereabouts.

How to combat Mother Nature if you see her[edit]

Mother Nature may be ruthless and resourceful, but even she have her weaknesses. For once, it is known that she is allergic to carbon dioxide and methane, so large doses of these may give her a cold with fever. She is also vulnerable to certain heavy metals primarily mercury, lead, cadmium, tin, arsenic or thallium, so releasing those close to where she dwells may weaken her. However, these will also likely affect the carrier alike. Certain gases such as chlorine and sulfur dioxide may irritate her trachea but are ill advised, since Mother Nature herself tends to use these against humans occasionally.

A better option is to bombard her with a thick layer of napalm, although it may at best bruise her. For actually killing her, large number of atomic warheads, preferably hydrogen bombs, should be used, the more the merrier. If you can acquire some of these, you may be able to levy out significant damage to her. Of course, you'll most certainly destroy a lot of other things too, possibly including yourself and those you hold dear, but who cares? She's a bitch and she deserves it after all the pain and suffering she's caused us. If more passive, you may simply wait and hope that a meteorite half the size of Mars suddenly appears and just happens to hit her right in the kisser. The probability of survival in the case of the monster meteorite scenario may be roughly 3.14 in one quadrillion, but at least there is that tiny chance you'll survive.

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