NSA
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It not yet clear what the abbreviation NSA really stands for, but some believe it's No Such Agency, while others think it's National Socialists of America, No Secrets in America, Nothings Secret Anymore or Nobody Say Anything. The NSA has made numerous attempts to assassinate those uppity jerks responsible for RSA.
Major Employer of Mathematicians[edit]
It's been claimed that NSA employs more mathematicians doing nothing than any other organization in the world. While the bulk of the NSA's activities still consist of illegal wiretapping ("gathering electronic information"), their mathematicians have a quintessential interest in cryptology, trying to solve the FBI's Kryptos lawn sculpture before their cross town rivals the CIA. In particular the intricate mathematics needed when developing algorithms for short-cut factoring products of large primes (see "NP complete"), which in turn allow faster cracking of encryption keys. Since the employed mathematicians are not complete idiots , they spend most days browsing on the Internet.
Despite the commonly held idea that the NSA actually employs these mathematicians, nothing could be further from the truth. The NSA sub-contracts their cryptology and encryption to companies like Safenet, where it's not as secure and where the employees are not screened. It all sort of falls into the old government contract business, where millions of dollars go down a black hole. This phenomenon occurs because private companies can donate to a politician's "reelection fund" while a government agency cannot. Therefore politicians buy contracts from private companies for this kind of work as much as possible with the unwritten agreement that it will result in a nice healthy campaign contribution and a few all-expense-paid trips to the Caribbean.
Employee Count[edit]
The number of employees who work at the National Security Agency is a closely guarded national secret, and is not available to the public. However, a recent espionage probe revealed that foreign agents had determined this number through complicated mathematical analysis. This formula was recently revealed:
Fancy High-Tech Doodads and Whatchamacallits[edit]
For the highly reasonable sum of $314 trillion and 52 cents, the NSA has developed some truly wonderful top-notch high-tech gizmos that allow them to analyze and identify any person in the world in 4.3 nanoseconds just from traces of DNA on a condom. The sophisticated technology also allows satellites to be instantly realigned to the exact positioning of any person on 3D maps ('as seen on TV'). While the worldwide multilingual word triggering system of global communications (see Echelon), combined with the computer processing of voice patterns, allow any citizen of the world to be precisely pin-pointed in a snap. With all this technology the NSA has been astoundingly successful at stopping non-terrorists from committing terrorist acts and in tracing average citizens around the world. Not to mention the 100% success rate in Hollywood movies!
It is deeply unfortunate, however, that the NSA still needs visual eye contact and a maximum distance of 3 feet (1 m) in order to keep track of terrorists or criminals. Even then, the terrorists must have the word "Terrorist" written on their foreheads.
NSA information gathering strategies[edit]
The National security agency utilizes every means at their disposal to ensure that the United States remains secure. A few of these tactics have been leaked out by former NSA employees who got sick of the crap load of bureaucratic nonsense that consumes 85% of each employee's time.
Mind Scanning[edit]
In the lowest level of the NSA is a large machine that runs on Brown's gas. This machine uses satellite uplinks to scan brain waves of any human on the planet. This technology scans brain waves and turns them into a 3-D holographic image. It was hoped that this technology could help the NSA learn of advanced technology being researched by foreign scientists, however to date it has mostly recorded useless holo-porn.
Many conspiracy theorists have believed that putting aluminum foil over the head would thwart the NSA's mind scan technology. This is entirely false. The aluminum foil actually works as an antenna the improves reception of your brain waves. The truth, which many have given their lives to bring to you, is that latex gloves provide the best protection. For complete protection you must wear seven gloves at once.
Alien Clones[edit]
The National Security Agency retrieved alien DNA from New Mexico, and cloned the cells. Using cryogenic technology, they revived 40 dead women and forced them to be proxy mothers for the alien cells. These aliens have the capacity to trans-mutate into any human form so long as they can ingest a single complete DNA sequence from the subject. To successfully pull off the alien clone swap, the aliens turn invisible and follow the target for three months, during that time they collect the needed DNA. The alien then mutates into the form of the target and takes over his or her life. The target is then taken to Ft. Meade where they undergo grueling cryptology lectures from NSA's mathematicians until they give up their secrets. Most victims crack within three hours.
The aliens can never revolt or reveal themselves in their true form, because the NSA uses addiction control to ensure the aliens' continued cooperation. The aliens have proven to be addicted to the blood plasma of their birth mothers. These unfortunate women must live (or are placed on extended life support) for decades giving plasma twice a week to provide the "drug" for the alien's daily fixes.
Zombies[edit]
The NSA's mind scan device was recently modified for mind control. Unfortunately, for reasons known only to them, it cannot control the mind of a living person, but can control the mind and movements of a recently deceased person. The NSA has in the last year been controlling deceased persons in Africa and Uganda. The mind control allows the NSA to send these zombie drones into secure areas armed with cameras and recording devices. These zombies continue to function through most gunfire and are controlled by 10th degree black belt ninjas so that they seem to be experts in martial arts. These drones will keep going until nerve endings from the brain to the body are completely severed.
Unfortunately, a few of the zombie drones have been known to make autonomous movements, and in three cases have gotten completely out of control. In response to this, the United States Government began its "tongue-in-cheek" emergency preparedness plan entitled "Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse." This is designed to prepare the U.S. for a possibility of a complete loss of control of the zombies without tipping the government's hand about its real zombies.
The world's biggest ear trumpet[edit]
Sometimes the oldest technology works the best. The NSA has developed an ear trumpet that is so large that it can hear sounds from Madagascar. Hidden underneath the ground, the ear trumpet has a bell the size of Maryland. This bell juts out into the Atlantic ocean for nearly 75 miles and listens to sounds coming through the earth. The real reason oil drilling is suppressed on the Atlantic coast is to keep drills from drilling through the ear trumpet.
The small end of the trumpet connects to the office of the Director of the NSA (DIRNSA). Rumors abound that the DIRNSA never does anything but listen to the ear trumpet all day, and that the reason that the DIRNSA is replaced every third year, is because they become hearing impaired from the noise of volcanoes and earthquakes if they are allowed to listen for longer than that.
Emerging information gathering strategies[edit]
The national Security Agency is always looking for the best way to gather additional information. The following strategies are currently being researched and developed.
Arson[edit]
The NSA is nearly finished with its latest technological breakthrough in their ever-growing set of information gathering techniques. The one most likely to be completed next is arson. The theory behind the concept is that smoke from ink-covered paper is chemically different from smoke that comes from plain paper. Using spectral analysis, the NSA will soon be able to analyze the smoke that comes from burned paper to see what was written on it. With a known ratio of inky versus non-inky smoke particles The NSA can figure out the possible set of letters that might have been on the page. This is a finite set of about 2626 number of possible letters per page. That is way easier to crack than 1024 bit encryption that every Tom Dick and Harry has these days. The one kink that still eludes them is what to do when black and white images appear on pages, but this will soon be solved. They nearly have an inky-smoke 3-D spacing algorithm worked out that will let them throw out patches with too much inky smoke in one place. Such patches would indicate the presence of black and white pictures.
Girl Scout cookies[edit]
The NSA hopes to soon be able to put listening devices in girl scout cookies. The listening devices are actually placed in mutated hook worm larvae within the girl scout cookies. The hook worm keeps the devices from being digested and passed out in the feces. These hook worm larvae do not grow more than 5 mm so that they are not bothersome parasites like normal hookworms. They do not reproduce either. They are also said to live for up to 35 years in the intestine of the target. When the cookie is ingested, the hook worm attaches to the intestine of its host and the listening device listens and transmits information said and heard by the infected target. Because the device runs on methane, it can be active indefinitely. Unless the target has a bad case of the runs, the sound sent from the device's transmissions can be filtered and understood.
All this technology is currently in place and ready to go. Barak Obama was the test case. The problem is that NSA recruiters are having trouble recruiting girl scouts to sell cookies in the Middle East. Many terrorists and other high-value targets are simply too suspicious and eat nothing but food they grow in their own caves. However, research has shown that even they will buy and eat girl scout cookies. Current efforts to recruit girls scouts for this assignment have been hampered by court battles initiated by the families of girl scouts who were either decapitated or sold to a sheik and added to his harem. The NSA is currently developing cyborg girl scouts to solve the issue. Sadly, zombie girl scouts proved ineffective.
Disclaimer[edit]
“Do you really like puzzles and use national security to justify playing trivial games all day? Or do you prefer reading the diaries of terror suspect's children and watching them undress through the web cam looking glass, to look for clues of course. Well than put down the crossword puzzle and consider a career in NSA crypto analytics or in making government sponsored pornography. It's to protect our country, we swear!”
This article was NOT written by the NSA "office of spying on our own people like the KGB and getting away with it even though this is clearly a violation of the law just because we are linked to the government". Any attempt to prove so will cause you to disappear for completely unrelated reasons. You have been warned. This article is sponsored by the United States Government.
Getting a job at the NSA isn't really that hard, and neither is passing one of their security clearance checks. They sub-contract their recruitment and security checks, which are very easily compromised, like when they hired Steven Wray Grimaud.
Mr. Grimaud was tossed out of the Navy's cryptology unit during Viet Nam, for getting drunk and blabbing Navy operations from a bar stool in Tokyo. He was relieved of duty and discharged.
It was just a simple matter of going to any university Russian studies department, and schmoozing it up with the Soviets and the NSA recruiters, who had it in for the boyz in Moscow. Mr. Grimaud was able to walk straight back into the translations unit at the NSA, just as long as defense contractors didn't check his navy files.
The use of off the shelf Kaspersky Lab antivirus software by subcontractors has pretty much leaked all of the NSA's vast information, including their nude photo and suicide video collections obtained from hacked web cams, in the high tech equivalent of a cop having their gun stolen and used to shoot them, or that time someone broke into the Batcave and stole Batman's files on how to take down the Justice League.
It was only after his ex-wife found out where he was 30 years later, and demanded to know where all the missing child support had gone, that Mr. Grimaud's problems began.
Mr. Grimaud was able to rely on a network of other crony cryptologists with similar backgrounds, to throw off any internal investigations. See, easy.
Endorsement[edit]
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This article was verified reviewed by a former NSA employee for accuracy of content. We are watching you. Always, particularly when you broke our hearts.
See also[edit]
- CIA
- Central Stupidity Agency
- Big Brother
- Paranoia
- ECHELON
- Ignorance Management System
- Sudoku: It's important multi billion dollar government crypto analytics damn it, it's not a game!
- JSA: The justice league only wish they were this heroic!