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“I can't believe its not better...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Margarine

“Hey, wait a minute! THIS ISN'T BUTTER!”

~ Eric Schaeffer on Margarine

“Tastes like bland chicken and cardboard! Maybe that‘s why I like it so much.”

~ Kenny Rogers on Margarine

“At St. Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast! Where I stole the Margarine. (Pronounced MAH-ger-EEN)

~ Frank Zappa on Margarine

“I can't believe it's not heroin”

~ Sid Vicious on Margarine

“I can't believe it's not butter!”

~ Captain Oblivious on Margarine
Spots of margarine on Iraqi Constitution (magnified 2 times)

Margarine is a delicious near-plastic treat that people believe to be healthier than butter. It is created under highly controlled conditions using various oils that are whipped into shape, usually with a whip. If given an electrical shock for an extended amount of time, it can start living on its own. A living margarine, or "marglin", is often marketed as an adorable and vicious harmless pet. Pet store owners frequently fail to mention that if fed after midnight, will reproduce uncontrollably and have an insatiable appetite for human flesh. A detailed account of that very situation is given in the award-winning documentary, The Blob.


Besides being edible (so they say), margarine is commonly used as a cooling agent in nuclear reactors due its inability to conduct heat. Some scientists speculate that it could withstand Sun-like temperatures.

Margarine can be used to reduce wrinkles, seal pipes, as an antiseptic/anaesthetic, prevent sunburns, kill rabid smurfs, and can, when applied directly to the forehead, help an individual retain sanity (most of it) while watching a Pauly Shore film. It is currently being tested for use as a treatment for Super AIDS.

It can also be added to thermonuclear bombs to increase the destructive yield.

Margarine-Based Products[edit]

  • Margarine
  • Margarine Spray (can be used as a flavoring or sunblock)
  • Margarine Bites
  • Margar-Aid (Summertime drink)
  • A-1
  • Pest-B-Gone Insect/Grue Repellant
  • Neosporin
  • HeadOn (applied know how it goes)
  • Vaseline
  • Spam
  • Most public school cafeteria food (usually coupled with an irradiated form of Soylent green)
  • Bleu cheese
  • Ultra High Fructose Corn Syrup
  • Snickers bars
  • Heineken beer
  • Crowbars
  • Beer bottles
  • Condoms

See also[edit]