I Can't Believe It's Not Murder
“In Soviet Russia, murder can't believe it's not YOU!!”
I Can't Believe it's Not Murder is becoming an increasingly popular alternative to murder often used as a defense for murders allegedly committed by celebrities, professional athletes, and rich people. While it is technically the same as regular murder, it has the distinction of not being illegal, and is therefore highly preferable as a conviction. The practice has its roots in California, where O.J. Simpson was the first to be charged with murder, acquitted and convicted of the lesser charge of I Can't Believe it's Not Murder in 1994. Since then, I Can't Believe It's Not Murder has been the violent crime of choice committed by the rich and famous.
The name was coined by a juror at Simpson's trial after he thoroughly reviewed the evidence and came to the conclusion that O.J's involvement did not, in fact, amount to murder. Baffled at the uncanny resemblance however, he proclaimed "I can't believe it's not murder!"
Licensing and branding
Shortly after I Can't Believe it's Not Murder's success in O.J. Simpson's trial, his lawyers patented the use of I Can't Believe it's Not Murder as a defense and are currently licensing it to those charged with qualifying crimes for a nominal fee of 20 Million US dollars per use. The lack of commission of I Can't Believe it's Not Murder by average people is in no way related to this fee.
O.J. went on to advertise the product in a series of TV ads that recreated his criminal trial. Though widely considered in poor taste, they did introduce popular culture to the famous catchphrase, "if you use this spread, you'll skip Club Fed".
The most widely known off-brand of I Can't Believe it's Not Murder is I Can't Believe it's Not Rape, created by Kobe Bryant in 2005. Since then, other athletes, celebrities, and CEOs have seized the opportunity and committed I Can't Believe it's Not Substance Abuse, I Can't Believe It's Not Insider Trading, I Can't Believe It's Not Regicide, and I Can't Believe It's Not Committing A Lewd Act Upon A Child popularised by Michael Jackson, among others. Despite the popularity of these off-brands, I Can't Believe it's Not Murder remains the most widely committed crime by the wealthy.
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