O.J. Simpson
“O.J. Simpson took an axe and gave his ex-wife forty whacks. When he saw what he had done he gave Ron Goldman forty-one.”
“ What’s black and red all over? O.J. Simpson’s wife.”
Orange Jumpsuit "O.J." Simpson (July 9, 1947 – April 10, 2024) was an American football running back and one of the greatest Riverdancers of all time, known mainly for having been found guilty not guilty guilty [again] of committing necrophilia against his ex-wife, Nicole Simpson.
The initials "O.J." are suspected of standing for "Orange Juice", which could imply that even though he is not orange, the color burnt orange vaguely resembles his skin color, along with that of many black people. Of course, this is perhaps just another dirty lie cooked up by prosecutors still trying to nail him, even if it means defaming the poor man. Bastards.
Origin
The Mother, the Calf, and the Holy Pot Roast. Also known as the Bovine Trinity. According to the Holy Cow, the Mother was visited by the spirit of of a vicious bull in heat. During the visit, the spirit impregnated her and she gave birth to the Calf, O.J. (Original Jesus), who was expected to rise up and become the bull of bulls; king of the great white juice which the lovely females squirted into little buckets. In fact, they even called him "The Juice". No one is quite sure how or why Orange wound up becoming a part of his name, seeing as O.J. isn't orange, he's black.
The Juice's life
During his days as a young Calf grazing the Cow Palace grounds in San Francisco, O.J. played pigball in high school. Since pigs are the natural enemy of bovines, many bulls would go out and kill them, using their skin to create pigskin balls (known as pigballs) which were used in the sport, Pigball.
O.J. had one brother and two sisters who prefer to remain anonymous. He hooked up with some creeps when he was thirteen years old and joined the Beefy Warriors, a notorious gang in the area. Two years later, he was jailed by a couple angry pigs, who had control over the government at that time.
At the age of 20, O.J. married a lovely cow named Marianne (a glamorous Playcalf playmate). They had three children who also prefer to remain anonymous. Their youngest was two when he drowned, in a lake behind their house, so Marianne and The Juice got divorced.
Football
With a 1–12–1 record in the previous season, Buffalo Bills' owner Dan Duquette decided to take drastic measures. He secretly provided military aide to a coup d'état that ended with the death of head coach Edward Luttwak and quarterback–coach Macht Nichts. In addition he employed a bold strategy that involved making managerial decisions with the assistance of a wheel not dissimilar from that used in the popular game show Wheel of Fortune. Having solved "Black Men with Food-related Epithets", Duquette selected O.J. with the first pick in the 1969 NFL draft. Simpson hadn't previously played football, but considering that the only other possibility for the category was a man named Porkchop who suffered from narcolepsy, Duquette had little choice in his selection.
O.J. became an all-star leading to an assassination attempt by Barry Sanders, a rival running back and great nephew of the God of Chicken himself, Colonel Sanders.
Acting
After he had gotten sick of playing with poopie, The Juice moved onto a different career path — acting. He is best known for his portrayal of Kowdi Mooray in the television miniseries Utters.
When he was 98, he married again. This time to an attractive Brown-spotted cow named Nicole. Eight months after their marriage, their first daughter was born and two years later they had a son. Both of them would prefer to remain anonymous. Nicole divorced him when he was 45 years old; seven years after their marriage, saying that it was "outright abusive".
The message
Depressed and lonely, O.J. retired to the tavern where the bartender, washing a glass with a cloth, revealed to The Juice that he was his father. Startled, O.J. ordered another strong one and listened intently as the barkeep went on. It was there, in that bar, the night Nicole had kicked him out of the house, that O.J. was reunited with his father, the vicious bull spirit.
After a long hug, his father told him that he was sent to give him a message and not to indulge in a sappy family reunion. The Juice's spirit, his father went on, would one day rise to become lord of the rings. Until then, however, he would have to preach good morals and heal cripples.
Enlightenment
The Juice went home that night feeling as though he was a new man. He woke up in the morning and went straight to an apple orchard for breakfast where he would plan out the rest of his life. While he meditated quietly beneath a tree, searching for a sign ... something he could tell the people ... an apple spontaneously fell from a tree limb directly above him and knocked him out, sending him into a coma for five months.
According to Dr. Steven King (who later wrote a book loosely based on O.J.'s story called The Dead Zone), when an apple hit O.J.'s head it awakened a dormant area of the bovine brain which allowed him to see visions of someone's past, present, or future by touching them, or something they had touched.
The Juice worked closely with the police to solve countless investigations. A month after he woke up from the coma, he touched the Buddha and had a vision where he was Buddha and became enlightened. The vision was so vivid, even after he let go and returned to the present, that he believed he truly had himself become enlightened.
Necrophilia
O.J. Simpson's ex-wife was murdered by Tiger Woods (a black man) on June 12, 1994. Not O.J. Simpson. But four days following her death her gravesite was found dug up and her body was discovered still dead outside her condominium. Her clothes were in tatters and another type of glove was found at the scene. Simpson was charged with necrophilia and his arrest was widely publicized.
Following O.J.'s turning himself in and pleading "... absolutely one hundred percent guil ... erm, excuse me. Gilbert Arenas is a great basketball player" trial commenced. Note that Gilbert Arenas hadn't yet begun his career, leading some to believe that O.J. is the seventh incarnation of Nostradamus.
Arrest
Two years after Nicole divorced O.J., her body was found lying next to Ron Howard's in an enclosed apartment complex. Both were apparently violently stabbed to death. The pigs immediately tracked down The Juice and charged him with both murders.
More than a thousand expectant reporters waited for him to make a statement. But he didn't. One of his defense lawyers read a stone tablet which O.J. had chiseled out the night before claiming that he had nothing to do with the murder of the beautiful Brown-spotted cow.
Later that day, some pigs saw a white Ferrari speeding away from the area. It was recognized as belonging to one of O.J.'s friends and they began pursing it. Tiger Woods (a black man) was at the wheel, shouting that O.J. was inside the car with a gun to his head.
Helicopters followed the chase and it was aired live. One of his ex-pigball coaches who wishes to remain anonymous went on the radio, trying to urge The Juice to pull over and surrender. Eventually the car returned to O.J.'s home, and he remained inside the vehicle for forty-five minutes. When the pigs went to investigate, the found that The Juice was not in the vehicle.
Trial
On January 24, 1995, O.J.'s trial began with the prosecution, lead by Marcia Clark, providing evidence of previous violence between Simpson and Brown including an audio recording of Simpson saying, "I told you not to get the fucking chunky peanut butter, that gives me the shits, bitch!" and then proceeding to backhand Brown like a true pimp should. In addition the prosecution brought up a bunch of mumbo-jumbo involving DNA fingerprinting and undeniable evidence and yada-yada-yada and a whole bunch of cockamamie Harvard-law-degree bullshit that real Americans don't understand. I mean the evidence excluded 99.999% of the population, but come on — math is for geeks!
O.J. had assembled a "Dream Team" of legal defense to combat the charges consisting of now legendary (as well as late) Johnnie Cochran, F. Lee Bailey, Barry Scheck, Robert Shapiro, Alan Dershowitz, Lionel Hutz, and Cousin Vinny. O.J. also hired Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley who were members of the 1992 US Olympic Men's Basketball Team, known as the Dream Team "for shits and giggles". And might I add nothing to do with the semi-legendary film of the same name.
Cochran's first move as the defense was to walk over to the prosecutorial side's table and hock a loogy into each one of their cups of water (this act being the key reason the supreme being, God Almighty, upon Cochrane's death banished him to the Twelfth Circle of Hades). The team did nothing — demonstrating how they were literally and figuratively "taking it like a bitch" throughout the case.
Cochran then called up O.J. to the stand. O.J., while rising up, swallowed two blue diamond-shaped pills. Cochran asked for Simpson to "try on the glove". Simpson dropped his pants and produced an 18-inch erection. When Cochran struggled to fit the entire glove over his throbbing manhood in one of the most famous moments in litigation history the jury clearly saw that 1) the glove didn't fit and that 2) the stereotype is true. Golfer Frank Nobilo later bought the aforementioned item in a celebrity auction and uses it on the infrequent occasions that he plays left handed at the municipal pitch and putt.
When the verdict was read that Simpson was not guilty he said in a quote later repeated by The Juggernaut, "Yes, we're gonna have a fuckin' rape party!"
O.J. Simpson's book "If I Did It" was recently given Oprah's Novel of the Year Award ... Okay, no it wasn't, but it was remade into a child's book after the rights were sold to Dr. Seuss.
Finding the real killers
After he was found not guilty Simpson vowed to find the real killers. He needed help on his search so he called up his buddies Mr. T and Stephen Hawking. Surprisingly Raptor Jesus who had heard of Simpson's plight came to his aid. First Simpson made a list of all the people he'd wronged in the past. He remembered stealing this white guys bike once so he went to see him. Mr. T took it a little to far when he slammed the poor guy in his pink jumpsuit against a wall and said, " I pity da fool who can't find the real killers, so you best be telling me where they be at."
However the result were good and they found out what they needed to know was at the old abandoned warehouse. Unfortunately the warehouse had steps so Stephen Hawking had to stay outside. When they went inside though they were jumped by two guys jumped down from a balcony and O.J. screamed, "It's a Trap!" They ran towards the exit but Raptor Jesus blocked their way, and pulled off his face. It wasn't Raptor Jesus at all! It was actually Tiger Woods (a black man). Stephen Hawking heard the screams and activated his magical black hole powers. Their assailants were sucked into the hole, but Tiger Woods (a black man) got away when Satan showed up in his 1973 red Cadillac Coup de Ville.
They had won that round, but tragedy was about to strike. Stephen Hawking said he knew who the real killer was. He turned his head towards O.J., well it was more of a slight turn really, not even a turn, you see Stephen Hawking fails at movement so it was sort of a gesture really but you get the idea, and he said, "It was yo ..." Unfortunately O.J. tripped at that moment and knocked Stephen down some stairs where he became even more paralyzed and couldn't reveal the real killers. O.J. says he was about to say it was Tiger Woods (a black man) and an investigation is now underway.
The ultimate dinner party
In a distant part of the city, in a huge hotel, that night was a huge dinner party hosted by O.J. All his apostles showed up for cake, cookies, and ice cream. O.J. is quoted as having said "eat me in remembrance of these" as he passed around several hamburgers and glasses of milk at the beginning of the party.
Death and resurrection
The following day, O.J. was found guilty and sentenced to the slaughter house. Three days later he returned in a new form. Known now as "The Holy Pot Roast", he appeared on a plate and was consumed by several hungry dogs. No one had time to communicate with the Pot Roast and it was never seen again. Although countless people around the world continuously cook pot roasts in the hope of him one day returning.
Effect on race relations
As expected, when whites got word of the verdict they did nothing about it but pout for fear of being politically incorrect. Meanwhile all the Negroes went out and got wasted on malt liquor while eating watermelon and fried chicken. Figures.
Sadly, the verdict was revealed later to be the result of some simple confusion about the testimony that could have been, but was not, dealt with during the trial. It turns out that the jury thought that "DNA" was a rap group, and that the testimony was that the killings were a homicide committed by DNA, rather than O.J. This thwarted racist super villain Mark Fuhrman's evil plan to frame O.J. with the large supply of O.J. Simpson blood he had been carefully collecting since 1982.
In 2003 O.J. Simpson convinced the Congress of the United States that the real killers of his wife were funded by Saddam Hussein, and he was granted billions of dollars to look for them in Iraq with the help of the Coalition of the Willing.
Tropicana
In 1996 Tropicana sued O.J. Simpson because of the blackmail, terrorism, and verbal abuse the company was taking after the trial. On day one "Mr. O.J." (the Tropicana mascot) testified: "The bastard took my name!" Eventually, with enough sleeping with the jury and forged signatures, O.J. won the case and took home the mascot. R.I.P.
Death
On September 16, 2021, Simpson visited a 7-Eleven where the owner had been selling memorabilia for fifteen cents, any two for a quarter. Outraged by the price O.J. confiscated "his". The owner declined to prosecute.
O.J. Simpson died in April 2024. Next stop: Will Netflix make a mini-series about him?
Books
- Killing Your Wife for Dummies
- If I Did It, I Would Totally Capitalize Off of It: But I clearly didn't kill the bitch! I mean, am I making any money off of it? No! Those damn Goldman's are making sure of that!
- Getting Away with Murder: The O.J. Simpson Story
- If I did it, here's how it ... Who am I kidding? I did it. I killed the bitch.