PlayStation 5

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The inside, outside, and everyside of the PS5 unit.

PlayStation 5 will be an interactive entertainment system that will revolutionise the way unemployed men spend time together with the slogan Less reason to talk, more ways for destroying your buddy's honour. It will be so hi-tec that only newly born babies will understand its features without a ten volume encyclopedia. Using 23rd century rock-and-roll science it will run on ten hydrogen fuel cells smaller than a Smartie that never melts in your hands.

PS5 and its wacky adventures will beautifully narrate the end of Earth's history before the planet becomes a great museum...that place where the cosmic gaming device came from. A device that lets you waste hours and hours...with people you don't even like that much.

A few humans will survive and travel around the galaxy. They will be known as one of those people from that planet with the gaming system. Humans will wander around the galaxy until they all inter-mate with inter-mate-able species. The only remaining object of humanity...will be the PS5.

The PS5 will come in a really nifty box...much bigger than the actual gaming set suspended in a new form of liquid foam bubbles and will be sealed in an extreamly strong plastic wrapper that only a butcher will be able to remove.

Four dimensional version of Twister takes over[edit]

Many fun games will be invented...but four dimensional Twister will be so popular it will become the only game played. Experience of the fourth dimension will change the mental and synaptic structure of human players, which will eventually make them dependent on the gaming system. This is because it will be the only outlet for the experience of four dimensional intentionality. This will ultimately lead to brainwave fluctuations when humans who disconnect from the system. Eventually they will experience shock once confronted with the three dimensional physical world and will experience synaptic arrest and brain failure. By the time PlayStation 6 comes out, all bourgeoisie Earthlings will be utterly dependent on Sony and its virtual reality game world. When players disconnect for brief pauses they will live in the real world as though they are in the Mushroom Kingdom, leading to comical yet deadly situations. People will drive their cars off bridges expecting a cloud to lift them back onto the track with a fishing hook. Others will run around on a shooting spree assuming that the people they murder are holographic images without a beating heart or soul.

The end of the PlayStation franchise[edit]

Eventually the world's slaves and masters will go at it with a brutality that makes Arab chemical war seem like fake smoke. Buddhist terrorism will become the norm. Humanity will be forced to live the nightmare of free elections and a free media and cable television. People from other planets will laugh at us and feel no pity when a meteorite destroys Earth.

After five hundred million years, colourful flowers will grow over the remains of the planet and Earth will become a popular tourist destination for traveling aliens. A Sony museum will be built to commemorate one of the galaxy's stranger races.


The technology that the PS5 will run on is elegant, sexy and simple. Its energy cells will ignite an endo-thermic-nuclear-fission-mega-implosion which will allow Playstation 5 to tap into atmospheric time travel energy. The stabilization of wave band pulses will be regulated by old wind-up alarm clocks and tennis racket strings. We aren't entirely sure if cheat codes will be allowed, though they will most certainly be frowned upon by gaming freaks and nuns in monasteries.

The in-crowd[edit]

Most children will agree that it PS5 is the most "cucumber" thing they have ever "popped" in "immense" time. Cool will no longer be part of the "in" words of the 22nd century; in fact, cool won't mean "cool" as we know it. It will be replaced with the word "borgatonic" (i.e. "cucumber" is a word only "borgatonic" kids use). The system will be called PlayStation 5, though really "freckle" kids will call it "Immense 5". The "luke-warmest" kids will call it "Five", because calling something by its version number will be totally "cucumber-licious".


PlayStation 5 will be far better than Playstation 4 which will use hopelessly-pathetic "video" projection and plastic "game" consoles. PS5 will also do away with "Wi-Fi" technology of the barbarians. No more laughable wires and megabytes will burden prepubescent boys, instead using "linear-non-linear-theoretical-linear" technology. Scientists will discover "time travel energy" by experimenting with stem cells discovered in science labs buried under the carnage of the tenth and final global nuclear winter. Every time one uses the PlayStation 5, they will have millions of three day old fetuses and science to thank.

Games will be outstandingly creative using four dimensional rendering. These innovations will make Mario Kart seem like Pong. Which games players can use will depend entirely on their X2 brain implant. Players with an old X2 version will have to be waitlisted for invasive brain surgery or have their slaves receive an auxiliary co-implant in their neocortex. Co-implants should augment their current ones, giving them the boost they need to enjoy game-playing excellence. American and Chinese slaves will be ideal for auxiliary brainchip amplification as most such slaves will have had their pain receptors removed, and only one in ten die from the procedure. Once the right chip is installed in someone's body, any and all games can be played.

Cosmopolitan gaming[edit]

Without trying to stereotype, the PlayStation 5 will be the result of Korean research outsourced to tech-sweatshops in Japan. It will be marketed by Estonian venture masters through their labour camps on one of the moons of Mars or one of those asteroids around there. The indigenous black-skinned people of Australia will do inter-galactic distribution, while Canadian and Italian slaves will assemble toxic components in an undersea nuclear explosion-proof laboratory.

Switzerland will build a wall around their borders and ban the system, punishable by real and non-virtual death. Smugglers will parachute PS5s to desperate Swiss gamers from hot air balloons controlled remotely by insomniac volunteers, who in turn receive charity credit for their dedication to the liberation of Swiss fascism.


PS5 will not use game controllers but will instead anticipate the will of the subject. The best subjects (players) will get good at PS5 games quite quickly. A typical user will enjoy the control they have in the game enviroment and feel like they are released from the limited constraints of their bodies. Most addicts will find life in the physical realm both tedious and exhausting once they have experienced four dimensions. Most unemployed teenagers will dedicate the majority of their waking day engaged in PS5 activity. Sony will not sell the PS5 but instead will give them away for free and will cover the costs by charging players for use of the system by the minute. Sony will sell very cheap 22nd century versions of Red Bull known as "mega-freckle-juice" so players can go without sleep and maximise their PS5 time. Sony will become Earth's first giant galactic corporation, and will collect and sell more private information data than Facebook or Google combined times infinity.

Other innovations[edit]

Images are emitted directly into the player's brain via a giant magnet on the moon. They are converted into microwaves transmitted into the neocortex of the players via cancer tumors in their skin or genitals. The exact science behind this process is mysterious and will be the result of a scientific experiment gone terribly, horribly wrong. The future will be grim: like our world today, only grimmer. Sony will be so evil, the board will convene at ground zero (a thirty kilometer-wide crater that was once Washington, D.C.). At the meeting they will drink champagne and eat puppies alive while they strategise planetary conquest and plan new games for the PlayStation 5. Board members will never actually use the PS5 as they will be far to busy laughing hysterically at humanity.

The most popular game will be Super Mega Ultra Hyper Mario World XXXII (second edition). The next game in popularity will be a retro remake of Asteroids, only in four dimensions with sensory gizmos that'll make your body feel like an actual asteroid in outer space. A far less popular game will be "Hemroids" which will give the players the sensation of broken veins in their rectum every time they are struck by an enemy. Some users will however find it charming. One out of ten male users will find it very addictive.

An artist's depiction of the first PS5 to fall into the hands of Buddhist terrorists.

The Fourth Day Transcendentalists Foundation[edit]

As the PS5 system becomes one with humanity's physical and the social world, old Earth religions, including Buddhists, will warn "Sony-philes" of the impending danger. Organized and centralized in Switzerland, they will protest peacefully by annoying everyone via the Internet (which only old grand-daddies will use). Once they become something like background noise to everyone with phrases like "Do not connect to the PS5 on Thursdays" to get users to at least try and wean their addiction, they will be ignored. They will become aggressive and instead chant, "Stay true to yourself and away from the caustic techno propagandist false truisms and seek the path of realism on the fourth day of the world's work week". Growing frustrated, they will become violent and commit self-immolations. These will quickly be replaced with drive-by assasinations and eventually full out intergalactic Buddhist nuclear fission war. The Dalai Lama will be the world's most wanted criminal and will be on most no-fly lists. He will finish his life by setting himself on fire outside of Sony's headquarters. His death will be dignified and heartbreaking for the dozen or so people who notice.

Physical properties[edit]

The PS5 unit will be composed of a strong but lightweight fibre made of sunrays and dolphin spinal fluid. It will come in four colours: clear, transparent, see-through and non-reflective. It will be in the shape of a double-cubed cube with the word "SONY" floating inside and outside of it. The PS5 will be housed within a frame of golden mercury to protect the nuclear fission material from getting into the hands of Buddhist terrorists.