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An old-school fascist with a blaster.

Formerly a follower of the doctrine of Fascism, a vicious political philosophy of a militarist totalitarianism. Nowadays, the word Fascist refers to anyone who annoys you, even slightly.

Why exactly the Fascists stopped strutting around in black shirts publicly assaulting their enemies and started correcting the spelling of your e-mails instead and telling you off for not washing your coffee cup is unknown.

Fascists - Old vs. New

Fascism has its advantages, but it's not very compatible with birthday parties.

Old School Fascists

  • Would assault political enemies, sometimes forcibly feeding them castor oil to symbolically "purge" the opposition and to humiliate the individual in question.
  • Imprisoned and tortured those who disagreed with fascist doctrine.
  • Continuously invaded Ethiopia, Libya, Albania and Greece. They tried to invade Greece a lot, but eventually had to get a bigger, badder Fascist friend to help.
  • Made deals with the Nazis, plotting to conquer the world.
  • Coerced and controlled businesses and unions alike.
  • Ruthlessly censored all forms of the media.
  • Rebuilt whole societies on a foundation of fear and intimidation.
  • Adopted a semi-official uniform of black shirts (or brown where black was too expensive).

"New School" Fascists

  • Yell at you for not flushing the toilet when you're finished.
  • Yell at you for hanging the toilet paper incorrectly, or not at all.
  • Expect two forms of ID, at least one of which bearing a picture.
  • Fire you from work for browsing porno and/or Uncyclopedia all day.
  • Put you on hold, then have the nerve to say that your call is important.
  • Shush you at the movies.
  • Hassle you when you take your time ordering at McDonald's.
  • Give you a parking ticket.
  • Insist you wash your hands the correct way.
  • Raise your rent.
  • Ban you from Uncyclopedia or any other Wiki after you've vandalized 20 articles.
  • Don't even listen to your side of the story.
  • Are even slightly to your right politically (while those to your political left are always Communists).
  • They are members of the Republican Party, and possibly the Tea Party.
  • Adopted a uniform of any damned thing they want except Iron Maiden T-shirts
  • Tell you to stop running in the corridors or treading on their front lawn.
  • Insist that you show the proper respect for all things patriotic.
  • Encourage their supporters to "rough up" hecklers at their rallies if security doesn't escort them out fast enough.
  • Are likely to sue you for the "emotional distress" caused by your disagreeing with them publicly. Even if they don't need the money.
  • Call you nasty names, even if you are the opposite sex.
  • Imply scandalous behavior in your family while vigorously denying any in their own.

In recent years, the marauding bands of fascists, communists, Nazis, and Socialists responsible for these and other outrages have largely vanished, and recent statistics show that over 74% of such irritations are now caused by terrorists.

Alternative meanings

On Wikipedia, a fascist is somebody who reverts the Article on Fascism. They commonly meet in the fascist discussion board Talk:Fascism, where they plan edits to the article using political models with as few dimensions as possible. Anonymous users then serve their purpose by vandalizing the article, a pattern that is not uncommon on Wikipedia.

See also

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