Sega CD
| Sega Micro CD | |
 This is supposed to be cutting edge? | |
| Units Sold: | 230 Microvision Universally-Wide |
|---|---|
| Specifications: | Intel Octomom 4 1.39-bit 3.14159... Core Processor @ 1985GHz
500KB of GOAT |
| Obscure Games: | Hotel Mario, Sonic SD Card, Your Mom, Sonic the Hedgehog
Footnotes= |
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The Sega CD was the second story of Sega Tower of Babel, a series of ambitious, but unsuccessful add-ons to the Sega Genesis gaming console. Like the Star Wars prequels and the children of famous people, the Sega CD was much-anticipated, but turned out to be a disappointment. The system was noted for its bizarre FMV-based games like Night Trap and Double Switch (with Corey Haim).
Genesis Begets the CD[edit]
When the Sega Mega Drive was starting to get popular, it met the Turbografx CD at a Megadeth concert and the pair had just a few too many beers. It ended in a one-night stand, but the Turbo CD wound up being pregnant. A couple of months later, the Sega CD was born, and it got dumped in a fried chicken bucket at the doorstep of the Genesis' house. It wouldn't be until '92 when it finally got done with college and was told to get a job. With high hopes, the Sega CD looked for work in the emerging video game industry, but before long, it made horrible mistake number one: sign a contract with Marky mark and the Funky Bunch.
When it launched in '92, all the Sega CD had was shit for games. Yet Sega fanboys bought it up thinking that Full Motion Seizure meant "OMG REAL LIFENESS GAMEZ!". Unfortunately, Sega's most faithful were disappointed when they realized that all the games were really just about clicking buttons to make some idiot dance or something.
Rise to Infamy[edit]
Fresh out of school and hungry for glory, the CD attempted to prove itself as an edgy and trendy game console. The result was the controversial murder-porn known as Night Trap. The game was about vampires trying to rape a bunch of teenage girls, which secured its place in the porn market. Night Trap appealed to edgy teenagers who didn't know any better, but the game caused the Sega CD to be ostracized by the rest of society. While the world was perfectly used to murder-porn, the public was mortified by Night Trap's profanely bad story-telling. As a result, a bunch of uber-Christian mothers with nothing better to do started raising a shitstorm. This magnified the controversy, which not only damaged the public image of Sega, but also caused enormous backlash against the entire video game industry. Soon, many parents began to believe that their kids' time would be better spent going outside or making friends. Worldwide, video game sales plummeted, and it wasn't long before the Sega CD's tattered reputation made it the Nickelback of the gaming world.
On the bright side, Night Trap did contribute to a statistical decrease in violent crime. Thousands of would-be murderers played the game, and thought to themselves 'Wow, if killing people is this boring, I should probably find something better to do with my free time'. However, this decrease in crime was counter-acted by the release of Grand Theft Auto just a few years later.
The Badness Gets a Facelift[edit]
Over the next year, the Sega CD squatted over the video game industry and squeezed out a long line of genuinely smelly games. In fact, many of the games were so terrible, that after playing such ridiculously-named titles as 'Sewer Shark' and 'Bug Blaster', many gamers suffered from traumatic stress. In order to cope with these horrible experiences, many gamers mentally repressed any memory of the games. Others turned to alcoholism. Those who were desperate enough even resorted to getting jobs. Nevertheless, the system stayed the course of crap after crap until the eventful release of the now classic Sonic the Hedgehog, which was about collecting rocks of crack and defeating Wilford Brimley in a hover-chair.
CD Does Drugs[edit]
After a while, the disuse of the Sega CD brought it into a bad crowd. But it was responsible for creating one of the greatest drugs of the 90s while drinking Sprite and Vodka: the Sega 32X. The final product looked like a black tumor or a mushroom that causes you to have violent hallucinations. People playing the 32X reported seeing themselves fighting zombies and demons on Mars or being in a death match with ninjas. However, after a while, nobody liked 32X anymore due to its involvement in the killing of Tupac Shakur, and because everybody liked the new kid on the block, the Saturn, which also lost to the unspeakable horror.
Bad Times Get Worse[edit]
Around 1996, the Sega CD's rampant drug habits negatively affected its already-poor game sales. Eventually the CD started showing up to work drunk and stoned, and it wasn't long before it received a pink-slip in the mail. Sega's reason for firing the Sega CD from video game industry was because things "just weren't working out." A couple of weeks later, CD was evicted from its apartment because it couldn't pay the rent. Newly homeless, the Sega CD relied on unemployment checks to fuel its continuing drug addiction. At that point, the CD began hanging out with other hapless and drugged-up consoles like the Atari Jaguar and the Philips CD-i. When it became clear that the add-on was a failure, people at Sega started pointing fingers trying to figure out out whose dumb idea it had been in the first place.
In CD's place, Sega hired the Saturn, which was a whole new console with a clean background check and a degree from a prestigious school. Sega's hope was that the new guy would actually manage to produce something good. However, after the CD had botched the market, the new guy wouldn't last very long either. In fact, the Saturn never even managed to get its own game featuring Sonic, which was the one game series that had made Sega popular in the first place. The Dreamcast wouldn't last very long either and after three unsuccessful consoles, Sega eventually went under, thus leaving room for Microsoft to join the console race with the Dreamcast 2 Xbox. As the company packed up its belongings and somberly moved out of the office, the Sega CD watched, laughing drunkenly from the street corner.
Since then, nobody knows where the Sega CD went. Some say that he got boxed up and was chucked into the back of a dark closet, never to be seen again. Others say that he was thrown into the garbage and now resides in a landfill. There are even rumors that he moved to South America and made a fortune as a masked wrestler. Whatever happened to him, the Sega CD is out there somewhere, drunkenly plotting their revenge.
See also[edit]
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