Nickelback
Nickelback is a band that was formed in Mordor, USA. It comprises Chad Kroeger as 'guitarist', 'composer' and lead screamer; Rolf Harris on drums and wobble board; and the loyal minions on bass and backup screams. They managed to use Kroeger's demonic powers to brainwash the world into buying their albums, and became the most successful 'band' in all of Canada. They have released nine albums and will continue to do so, because they're a really popular band despite you being told that nobody likes them.
Origins[edit]
The earliest mentions of Nickelback come from cavemen paintings discovered in 1967 by famous explorer Robert Plant on his expedition "Over the hills and far away". The paintings depict a giant Canadian hillbilly with long hair and a goatee breathing fire and playing guitar; Plant's team was finally able to decipher who it was when they saw a figure in the audience wearing a Nickelback T-shirt. Carbon dating places the cavemen art to around 300,000 B.C.
The first real use of the word Nickelback was found written in the scrolls in Ancient Greece: it reported how Chad Kroeger made Mt Vesuvius erupt after the band was booed offstage in Pompeii during a concert. After finding this evidence, scientists still have not been able to piece together the story of how they came to be, but there are rumours. Some believe that Rolf Harris was brainwashed into joining Nickelback by Kroeger and together the two shrouded the world in darkness until the great hero who was promised can destroy them. Others believe that Kroeger is the spawn of a jackal and Adam Sandler.
Nickelback throughout history[edit]
Since Nickelback formed in the early Paleolithic Age, they have been part of — or caused some of — the most famous events in history. We have photographic proof that Chad Kroeger helped spread the Black Plague in the Middle Ages, and we also have evidence he conquered Persia alongside Alexander the Great. There is even a mention to Kroeger in the Bible in the Book of Daniel 7:
"And in that vision I saw, a fourth beast, terrifying, frightening and rather annoying. It had large teeth; it crushed and devoured its victims' eardrums and it said unto me 'Look at this Photograph!' but I didn't stay to listen to the rest as I had heard the song before and I didn't like it."
Rise to power[edit]
At some point during the late 19th century, Rolf Harris decided the band should actually write songs and play them at concerts instead of strumming a guitar and summoning Avril Lavigne to devour the audience with Harris's wobble board. At this point the band ground to a halt: Harris decided to play his own songs and became a great success on his own while Chad Kroeger went to Purgatory to write 'songs' and feed on the souls of the lost.
No one knows what became of the minions during this time. In 1939 Chad returned and summoned Harris and the minions to his lair to begin to perform. The released their first album in 1944; by many accounts Adolf Hitler heard this album and ended up shooting himself. The album itself was a flop, and the band all but disbanded until the 1990s. In 1996 the band released their second album Curb Your Chadthusiasm, and in 1999 they released their third, The State, to minimal success. However, their fourth album Silver Nitrate Up, released on the same day as the September 11 attacks (an act many believe was a promotional stunt by Roadrunner Records), became a huge seller with its hit single "How You Remind Me".
Kroeger's plans were finally all falling into place, and eventually his band would rule the world. In 2002 they released the song "Hero", which was featured on the soundtrack to Sam Raimi's Spider-Man. In 2005 they released "Photograph", which later became an infinity mirror meme template. In 2006 they unveiled the atrocity known as "Rockstar", which had no relation to Rockstar Games. In 2020 they unleashed a heavy metal cover of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" on an unsuspecting public.