Rockstar Games

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The Rockstar Games logo slowly fills up with the tears of Lars

Rockstar Games is a video-game developing company that was founded in 1996 by Lars Ulrich. Lars' fame as the drummer for Metallica was only going to be his stepping stone to further greatness by expanding out into the rising popularity of the video-gaming industry. Lars had learned from the past mistakes of Aerosmith and Micheal Jackson that rock bands and video games do not make a good combination. So Lars decided to the let the rockstar part of it just be the name of his company, while hiring a million Japanese kids do the programming for him in games that would appeal to gamers. Lars was doing very well, and becoming a real pioneer in kick ass video game making. Some of his biggest hits are the Grand Theft Auto series, which Lars based upon his average drunken and high on drugs Friday nights of the 1980's. Max Payne which was based on Lars' sexual fantasies to have a gun and blow things up outside of a suburban area. And Earthworm Jim which was a game Lars' had developed about his penis to try and mock Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee by Lars' claiming he had a bigger penis which is an obvious lie and why no one remembers the Earthworm Jim series.

Rockstar Rulings

A typical kick-ass shot from GTA 3
A great ass scene from GTA: SA

In the beginning Lars' knew what he was doing. He was making kick-ass video games with blood, violence, crimes and all the sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll any 9 year old gamer could ask for. Lars' was on top of the world when he developed the GTA3, Vice City & San Andreas games. It looked like Lars' was about to be voted king of coolness and become a god amongst his mere mortal gaming followers. However, just like the career of Metallica, Lars had to go and fuck it up. Over at rival gaming company, Napstar, they where offering things for free. All you had to do was ask Napstar for a simple program, and you could download any game you wanted. Napstar became the latest rage and where more popular then Tommy Lee's penis.

When Lars' found out that his games where being downloaded for free, he clenched his fists tight and shook them in the air before he threw his shoe at a pot-plant and ran into his room to sulk for hours. Lars' spent 3 weeks crying his eyes out & calling Napster a bunch of "doo doo brains" before he decided to come out of the closet and hold a press conference to announce just how much of a pooh-pooh-head he thought the guy running Napstar was. Lars' then called out an open challenge to whoever was behind Napstar to come out and face Lars' like a man. Boy, to man. Man, to boy. Sookey-Sookey Lars Lars, to Man.

They're All Gonna Laugh At You

Lars' received his response at Wrestlemania when Lars' was bitching about starving artists not having enough money to buy Ferrari's or Lamborghini's anymore and would have to live a life of poverty with mere limousine's and Porsche's when suddenly the lights went out and a voice echoed through the room "IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LALALALALALALALLALALA, WHAT THE FUCK, I'M COOKIN'" then out of the smoke from the conveniently placed pyrotechnics that went off emerged none other then Tommy Lee who came out with his valet Pamela Anderson and a cooked up scheme to announce that it was he who was in charge of Napstar, and it was him who was responsible for giving away Lars' shit for free and it was him who was about to plant a tree in Lars' ass so he could rape it in the shade. It was at this time that Lars' face turned red from anger, and he couldn't keep his frown down or his arms crossed tight any longer that he jumped up off his seat and started stomping around like the Ultimate Bitch that he is, he began wiping the tears out of his eyes and stomped up to Tommy Lee, who stood approximately 8 feet taller then Lars, Lars pointed at Tommy and said, "You know what, you are just a big poop". The crowed gasped, never had such harsh words been uttered before. But Tommy kept his cool, and just turned to the crowed with a smile and winked, then turned back to Lars, undid his own fly, and made Lars suck on what a real drummer tastes like. Once Lars' was covered head to toe in Tommy Juice. He slowly walked home silently, destroying every letter box between the broadcasting station to his moms basement. When Lars got home he ran a hot bath for himself while his mom tried to strangle him. She had no idea about Lars being a little bitch or anything that happened that night, she just wanted to kill Lars' cause he's a douche maggot.

Lars' with the rest of his band selling out in typical fashion.

Enter Fagman

Typical Suck-Ass screen from GTA: IV

Lars' vowed to get his revenge on Tommy, and the rest of the world. Lars' final straw was when he read reviews for Metallica's album, St. Anger where most reviewers said "Shit Crapper". Combined with the reviews for the Metallica documentary Some Kind of Monster which commonly was asked "Is this a remake of Spinal Tap?" with people quoting favorite lines like, "You're invading my personal space, dude...LOL". Lars knew there and then he had become the biggest joke on the planet. So in Lars' bitter anger of revenge, he set out to make the GREATEST video game ever made. He spent years developing Grand Theft Auto 4. He put countless effort into designing state of the art graphics, kick-ass blood bath missions, cars that just make you wanna do donuts on dead hookers in the middle of the street, shit blowing up all around you, games inside games inside games, and whatever else makes the most kick ass mother fucking testicle ripping experience of your life. And Lars achieved this! He put everyone of those elements into a single game. Lars had created not just the greatest game of all time, but the greatest fucking thing mankind has ever seen!!! However, there was an evil scheme behind it, awaiting the day of it's release.

Seek & Destroy

Only thing is, Lars designed this game, for vengeful purposes. With the help of his gay lovers at MicroCock, he managed to wedge Wankers Live as well as his own personal pain in the ass program called R.A.G.E (Rape All Gamers Engine) which he programmed in to fuck with any attempts to install the game within 3 hours before you find out your computer needs a million gigs of ram to display the copyright screen alone. Lars unleashed his creation on PC's everywhere and then bathed in the hatred of complaints every gamer had that wanted to play GTA 4 and modify the shit out of it like they had previously. Unfortunately, Lars was too stupid to include the corrupt software and pain in the ass installation program to console versions of the game. Lars threw a sissy-fit over this and had once again locked himself in his personal closet space to drown himself in tears again. He has since received a hug of sympathy from his wife James "Cowardly Lion" Hetfeild but still refuses to record another album to help destroy the career of Metallica once and for all. Until then, Lars' has been heard sobbing in his personal bubble of tears that he will get all those dumb pooh-pooh heads back soon and have his revenge.

Founder and CEO of Rockstar Games, Mr Lars Urlbitch.

The Memory Remains

A typical reaction shot of someone trying to install GTA4 to their PC.

So until that day comes, please enjoy the new wave of Napster called torrents and feel free to download all Rockstar games prior to 2005 that did not come with Lars' stupid attempt at preventing you from playing a potentially kick-ass video game... oh and while, you're at it, download all the songs Metallica have ever recorded. Then delete them, then download them again and keep doing this for the sake of gamers rights to enjoy a well made game that actually is able to be installed and played without the "Pin Dick Lars" virus attached to it.

Currently Tommy Lee has legally had to shut down Napstar, but he is working on unleashing a new threat to Rockstar Games entitled Operation "Red Bull Games"

Article Author: Tommy Lee (rock on fuckers)

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