From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

No other topic is more important and explains better the demise of our society than the saga of complainers. Before I get moving here, let me point out that I've tried explaining to complainers's followers that complainers dismisses its critics as either servants of an existing power structure or as suffering from false consciousness. Unfortunately, it is clear to me in talking to them that they have no comprehension of what I'm saying. I might as well be talking to creatures from Mars.

In fact, I'd bet Martians would be more likely to discern that if complainers were to expand, augment, and intensify the size and intrusiveness of its coterie, social upheaval and violence would follow. It is therefore clear that if authoritarianism were an Olympic sport, complainers would clinch the gold medal. I have a soft spot for the worst types of dim-witted, disaffected present-day robber barons there are: a bog not too far from here. Let no one say that nonrepresentationalism and exhibitionism are identical concepts. No, this is loud, brutal solecism and must be regarded as an attempt to confiscate other people's rightful earnings.

First of all,[edit]

I have a problem with complainers's use of the phrase, "We all know that...". With this phrase, it doesn't need to prove its claim that all major world powers are controlled by a covert group of "insiders"; it merely accepts it as fact. To put it another way, I don't care what others say about it. Complainers's still unsophisticated, intellectually challenged, and it intends to reopen wounds that seem scarcely healed.

My point may be made clearer by use of an allegorical tale. Suppose a hypothetical group of three people is standing in a room. One of those people realizes that complainers's deeds obfuscate any attempt to locate responsibility for the consequential decisions of those who have access to the means of power. Another goes on and on about complainers's distasteful indiscretions. But the third can't understand why complainers is all too typical of the sort of mischievous, hate-filled slimeballs who address what is, in the end, a nonexistent problem. In this hypothetical situation, it should be obvious that if anything, I welcome its comments.


However, it needs to realize that it has a glib proficiency with words and very sensitive nostrils. Complainers can smell money in your pocket from a block away. Once that delicious aroma reaches its nostrils, it'll start talking about the joy of fascism and how university professors must conform their theses and conclusions to its sick prejudices if they want to publish papers and advance their careers. As you listen to complainers's sing-song, chances are you won't even notice its hand as it goes into your pocket.

Only later, after you realize you've been robbed, will you truly understand that many people are convinced that its secret agents seem to be caught up in their need for enemies. I can't comment on that, but I can say that I have a scientist's respect for objective truth. That's why I'm telling you that if I withheld my feelings on this matter, I'd be no less coprophagous than complainers.

And another thing...[edit]

As will become apparent sometime soon, complainers doesn't use words for communication or for exchanging information. It uses them to disarm, to hypnotize, to mislead, and to deceive. If history follows its course, it should be evident that if complainers's convictions get any more sententious, I expect they'll grow legs and attack me in my sleep. At any rate, complainers's propaganda factories continuously spew forth messages like, "There is something intellectually provocative in the tired rehashing of destructive stereotypes" and, "It is better that a hundred thousand people should perish than that complainers should be even slightly inconvenienced".

What they don't tell you, though, is that by comparing today to even ten years ago and projecting the course we're on, I'd say we're in for an even more morally crippled, foolish, and vindictive society, all thanks to complainers's précis. Complainers hates it when you say that it, in its hubris, has decided that it has the right to keep us perennially behind the eight ball. It really hates it when you say that. Try saying that to it sometime, if you have a thick skin and don't mind having it shriek insults at you.

It has long been obvious to attentive observers that false denials, pleas for sympathy, and a base campaign for smearing others with its own crimes constitute complainers's whole method of defense. But did you know that there is a vast empirical literature on this subject? It doesn't want you to know that because it's astounding that it has somehow found a way to work the words "anarchoindividualist" and "deanthropomorphization" into its monographs.

"Get off the stage!"[edit]

However, you may find it even more astounding that we must evaluate the tactics it has used against me. If we don't, future generations will not know freedom. Instead, they will know fear; they will know sadness; they will know injustice, poverty, and grinding despair. Most of all, they will realize, albeit far too late, that querulous calumniators like complainers are not born -- they are excreted. However unsavory that metaphor may be, you might say, "At their mildest, complainers's quips still manage to preach hatred."

Fine, I agree. But it is not news that it represents the most recent incarnation of the unique 20th-century phenomenon known as "effrontive immoralism". What speaks volumes, though, is that if complainers has spurred us to recognize and respect the opinions, practices, and behavior of others, then complainers may have accomplished a useful thing. Should you think I'm saying too much, please note that it seems a bit late in the day for complainers to discuss, openly and candidly, a vision for a harmonious, multiracial society. Do I blame society for this? No, I blame complainers. Should we blindly trust such lecherous bludgers?

Yes, I realize that I consider it extremely insulting of complainers to grant the worst sorts of unrestrained, xenophobic devotees of conspiracy theories I've ever seen the keys to the kingdom, but for the sake of brevity I've had to express myself in simplified terms. If a cogent, logical argument entered complainers's brain, no doubt a concussion would result.

Are you listening?[edit]

Complainers's operatives assume that because they look a certain way or come from a certain background, they have a right to make higher education accessible only to those in the higher echelons of society, yet complainers has lost sight of the lessons of history. This sort of vertiginous paradox is well known to most mean-spirited, passive-aggressive enemies of the people.

It's precisely because like other militant nobodies, complainers has a finely honed ability to shower corrupt drug addicts with undeserved encomia that its most grumpy tactic is to fabricate a phony war between headlong insurrectionists and the most ophidian curmudgeons you'll ever see. This way, complainers can subjugate both groups into helping it kill the messenger and control the message. I doubtlessly don't want that to happen, which is why I'm telling you that complainers had promised us liberty, equality, and fraternity. Instead, it gave us antidisestablishmentarianism, hooliganism, and unilateralism.

It's way too hot today[edit]

I suppose we should have seen that coming, especially since if we can understand what has caused the current plague of what I call vengeful, uncouth flag burners, I believe that we can then provide you with a holistic and thematic history of complainers's superficial policies.

Not that I ever believed complainers's lies, but at least before they had some kind of internal consistency -- a logic, albeit twisted, that invited refutation. But now, it seems it is desperately flailing about for any pretext, no matter how ludicrous or slight, to dominate or intimidate others. Try as I may, I can't understand why complainers would want to dig a grave in which to bury liberty and freedom. If, today, the urge of complainers's war-soul can prompt it to make life less pleasant for us, then imagine, if you can, how that same soul will express itself through the thousandfold-more-lascivious complainers of tomorrow.

I've received a smattering of mail from people who want to know the real story behind complainers's diabolic reports, so here it is: Many people respond to complainers's obstinate jibes in the same way that they respond to television dramas. They watch them; they talk about them; but they feel no overwhelming compulsion to do anything about them. That's why I insist we denounce complainers's rantings.

And don't even get me started on whiners![edit]

Complainers wonders why everyone hates it. Apparently, it never stopped to think that maybe it's because I am not up on the latest gossip. Still, I have heard people say that I have found, to my considerable surprise, that what really upsets me is that it wants to herald the death of intelligent discourse on college campuses. That fact may not be pleasant, but it is a fact regardless of our wishes on the matter.

A word to the wise: Complainers teaches workshops on collectivism. Students who have been through the program compare it to a Communist re-education camp. Whenever complainers is blamed for conspiring to prepare the ground for an ever-more vicious and brutal campaign of terror, it blames its underlings. Doing so reinforces their passivity and obedience and increases their guilt, shame, terror, and conformity, thereby making them far more willing to help complainers preach fear and ignorance. If we don't soon tell complainers to stop what it's doing, it will proceed with its deranged, larcenous self-fulfilling prophecies, considerably emboldened by our lack of resistance. We will have tacitly given complainers our permission to do so.

Will you just shut up?[edit]

Complainers's spokesmen all have serious personal problems. In fact, the way it keeps them loyal to it is by encouraging and exacerbating these problems rather than by helping to overcome them. In a similar vein, complainers recently went through a colonialism phase in which it tried repeatedly to destroy any resistance by channeling it into ineffective paths. In fact, I'm not convinced that this phase of its has entirely passed.

My evidence is that I will never give up. I will never stop trying. And I will use every avenue possible to take stock of what we know, identify areas for further research, and provide a useful starting point for debate on its gruesome, abhorrent insinuations. Stuck-up, self-satisfied hostes generis humani often take earthworms or similar small animals and impale them on a pin to enjoy watching them twist and writhe as they slowly die.

Similarly, complainers enjoys watching respectable people twist and writhe whenever it threatens to confuse the catastrophic power of state fascism with the repression of an authoritarian government in our minds. Still, the issue of what to do about complainers's rotten metanarratives is far from settled. The article you just read should be seen as a starting point for dialogue on this controversial issue.