UnNews:Campaigns For al-Qaida Presidential Elections Heat Up

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12 June 2006

"This hook will spill the blood of infidels!", Candidate Abu Hamza al-Masri shouts at a recent campaign rally, about his custom made throat slashing hook.

BAGHDAD Iraq) -- Campaigns to replace the martyred Al-Zarqawi as President of al-Qaida Iraq heated up this month ahead of November's elections. Zarqawi's term ended last week when he was assassinated traveling in his motorcade. The alleged gunman was caught, but subsequently murdered by Jack Ruby, shrouding the whole incident in mystery. Conspiracy theorists allege there was a "second bomber", an American plane that dropped a 500 pound bomb on Zarqawi from the grassy knoll, but experts dismiss such speculation.

Insurgents all across Iraq are gearing up for the upcoming election to replace their former leader. Car bombings, IEDs, and death squad patrols have all increased in the last week, as each faction tries to reduce the number of opposing voters. The leading candidate is Abu Hamza al-Masri, who served in Zarqawi's cabinet as Secretary of Carbombings. Given his vast knowledge of explosive devices, pundits say he is the most viable candidate. Sporting a hook instead of a right hand, he vowed to, "use it for evil, not for good", at a recent rally.

But al-Masri is being challenged by Abu Abdul-Rahman, who has a lot of support abroad, including from spiritual leader Osama Bin Laden. "Abdul-Rahman is my kind of guy," commented Bin-Laden. "He really despises all infidels." The candidate is running on a platform of modernization, advocating use of modern weaponry over traditional techniques of execution. In a recent interview, he explained rhetorically, "Why bother beheading someone with a sword, when you can kill them much more cleanly with a bullet to the back of the head?"

Both campaigns have increased spending on television ads, which are quickly starting to go negative. In the most recent commercial, al-Masri is seen in a bombed out terrorist training camp saying to the camera, "During the last bombing, Abdul-Rahman fled to Syria, while I stayed here - that's how I lost my right arm - I am a true veteran." In a competing ad, Abdul-Rahman is riding on the back of a rusty pick-up truck, alleging that, "That liberal al-Masri only wants to kill infidel soldiers - but I support the killing of all infidels, even civilians."

There are many other candidates for President of al-Qaida Iraq, but only the top two stand a chance in the terrorists' two-party system. Third party candidate Ralphaqua al-Nader, running with a pledge to, "kill people, not the environment," is viewed as a long shot. Fourth party candidate, Helen Clark-al-Mohumman is asking "why can't we just accept the Americans into our homes and try to save the whales?". The other three party member have a price on her head because she neglects to wear her shawl to cover her extremely large nostrils. The price so far is two containers of falafel, a worthy prize. Polls indicate that Clark-al-Mohumman's rating is similar to that of George Bush's. Meanwhile, the United States vowed that whichever candidate is elected, "we will work diligently to kill them and dismantle their terrorist network, apart from Clark-al-mohumman, who we will help save the whales by leeching all the oil from the Middle East, hence, prevent oil spills that will kill whales." The United Nations resolved to send international observers to monitor the fairness of the election. Secretary General Kofi Annan asserted, "We want to make sure that all terrorist parties are elected legitimately, just like Hamas was elected recently in Palestine."

In lieu of a debate, the main candidates will face off in a sword fight on July 18th, which will be televised live on Al-Jazeera. A poll of 900 voters likely to still be alive by election time put al-Masri in the lead over Abdual-Rahman 45% to 40%; the margin of error was plus or minus one car bomb.